Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Yikes, Daisy, that would freak me out, too. Also, like SE, wondering if you're going to ask T about it.


Ex-MC was current T's boss (well, more of a co-boss, as there were two owners of the practice at the time) for a few years while he worked there like 8 years ago, but it wasn't a supervisory role. I learned this after I'd already scheduled the session, but I don't think it's really affected our working together. Well, OK, maybe some in the *very* beginning, as he seemed a little bit defensive of ex-MC, but not anymore.

Just had a great session with you. I didn’t want it to end.

You make me laugh, you get me completely.

I bloody love you and I so want to tell you that.

It is literally painful to not be tracking my food.

I'm unsure of whether I'll discuss this with current T or not. I'm leaning towards not doing so. I have developed a good rapport with him, and I want to continue to work with him. Plus I've never revealed RoboT's name. We just refer to him as "the former therapist." So even if T and RoboT know each other, T wouldn't know who RoboT is based on my disclosures.

I have empathy, but I also need space to talk. I hope you recover soon.

I feel myself starting to detach from you, I think it's just in response to your upcoming holiday, which officially starts in 2 weeks 2 days. What's going to be different this time around or is it just going to be like all the others? No contact and I have no idea where you are, but just the usual line that you will hold me in mind or some nonsense like that?

Yeah that sounds good in theory, but thinking of me doesn't actually help me.

I'm going to wait a week before going home as, ticket prices are insane at the moment. I'd like to give you your birthday present early to avoid posting fees, but the idea of you leaving for an entire month just makes me mad at you for being stupid enough to go on a holiday. You just came back from one at Easter.Why do you have to go away again?

(yep I've officially crossed the line with that last sentence )

Oh, so he doesn't know who he is? That makes it kind of different then. And I could see you opting not to ask current T about it because obviously then you'd have to reveal who he was.

I only told current T who ex-MC was because, since they used to work together, I suspected he'd figure out who he was if I talked about his wife's illness and passing.

I miss you... It's the last week before your stupid vacation. I want to see you. Gaaah...

Thanks for the email. It meant (means) a lot. See you tomorrow ❤️

You won't really hang up on me will you like in my dream??

Dear t,

Please answer my e-mail. I'm stuck in a hotel for a few days so my whole schedule is going to be messed up so I'm hoping I can see you Friday morning instead of Thursday night. I'm also hoping to see you Friday morning next week too since there's a play I really want to see next week on Thursday night. I may just cancel one session but I really don't want to skip two weeks. I'm hoping the e-mail went through, I don't know how good the hotel wi-fi is though I seem to be posting here fine.

-Butterfly

T: I heard the words "I would be devasted if you killed yourself," but feel no emotional reaction to it. Sorry. But don't worry, I won't right now.

Stupid dreams.

I don't get it. I'm doing everything right, I'm using all my coping mechanisms, I'm eating right and exercising and all that *****... yet I still feel like absolute garbage and my suicidal thoughts have never been this intense before... I literally just don't understand. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here (or I was there, rather)

I think I should go back to one session a week. Maybe it'll be easier on me in the long run.

I am a nervous wreck because someone is using and abusing me. Any ideas on how to help me?

What I wanted to explain today is...

- I literally can't move during those times. It feels like I'm trapped in my body. My head argues with itself. "Lil, you're supposed to move, you need to study" - "blah be quiet, she's feeling awful, can't you let her rest for once?" - "I don't care how tired she is, she needs to get up" - "Please you all, just be quiet... I just want to sleep..." - "It's not like we care about what you want" - "Of course we care. She's we. Lil, let's at least try to get you to your bed or the couch... You'll hurt all over tomorrow if you keep laying on the floor..." - "Ohhhh and now you're nice to her?!? She's just faking. She's faking and a liar. Even this conversation we're having is just a huge fake. She's perfectly fine. We're fine. I'm fine. Whatever"

- Yes, there are also those times where I can't move simply because I'm too depressed. But that's not the same. The "I'm too depressed" feels different. I feel less trapped, everything just feels extremly heavy, pointless, impossible. Not the same.

- The not being able to talk is similar... It's not that I don't want to talk to you. It has nothing to do with you at all. I want you to help me with this chaos. For some reason, I can't get the words out though. I'm screaming in my head, saying all those things I want to say... All those things I need to say... It just feels like someone builts a huge wall between those thoughts and the part of my brain that's actualyl supposed to talk... Like the signal gets lost somewhere. Like there's a border and the people protecting the borders are very strict, not allowing everyone, every thought, to pass through...

- It's all a lie though anyway and just there to make you think that something bad happened to me. I'm fine. There are no episodes where I'm unable to move or talk. It's fake.

- Thx for being so patient with me... Sorry for taking so long... Sorry I'm contradicting myself all the time... I don't know what's going on there...

Why do you hate me? It's so painful.
Why do new receptionists hate me?
Because I'm bad and disgusting?

Don't hate me please I love you

Hugs. Maybe type it for T, please

I don't hate you. You're not bad or disgusting. I know you believe you are. That's because of the abuse and the neglect. I often think "I am Bad, therefore I was abused and neglected", but I know you'll believe that's not true. In the same way, I don't believe you're bad or disgusting.

T was sleepy and tired today, he acknowledged this and apologized, but I'm sure it's because of me. He sounded indifferent and cold today, I think he hates me, he got tired of me, wants to get rid of me etc. Well, it's understandable. His vacation starts tomorrow, I hope he'll have a rest from me... I'm crying and hating myself right now

I forgot if you can email him or not, sorry.

I hear your sadness. All these beliefs are important to tell T.

You are not someone to "get tired of", or someone to hate or someone to "get rid of". You're not. Truly. I don't T thinks this of you but if he does, it still does not mean you are these things

*fetches tissue and sits beside you*

No, I can't I wish I could. I have a lot of to tell him right now.
And I should stop spamming the thread

I don't want to go tomorrow and moan at you again because you're not perfect in every way, but I will have to. I doubt there's a T in history who is so kind and insightful, cares so much, goes to such lengths for their client, remembers everything their client ever said, and yet gets constantly moaned at for not being better. I'm sorry I'm not more appreciative.