Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

"Nutrition is boring to me" is basically saying "Your nutrition is boring to me," which feels like "your nutrition doesn't matter to me," which feels like "I don't really care if you have an eating disorder or are falling back into it."

I can't believe I just actually emailed that to you

woah he said that?

hey t. just saying hi

Dear T,

A really good session yesterday, in breadth and depth. I've earned the right to pick up and carry my vayola whenever I want, but it is key to do so purposefully and meaningfully, respecting what I have been through and what I want to accomplish. Thank you for your careful listening and thoughtful responding.

There was a griefquake this afternoon. I don't know how much longer I can contain this.
I miss feeling safe.

If the cost of being totally me is as high as it seems, are the rewards worth it? I need to know, damn it.

I am so nervous about seeing you today.

I would ask vice versa. What is the price of you being you? Altho truthfully this cost / price is confusing to me! What happens if you are you. What happens if you are not you?

I just want to look at you again. I want to look deep into your eyes again. I haven't felt that intoxicating feeling when I've looked at you for months. What suddenly brought it back? I don't know, but I want more.

I’d love to be able to look into my therapist eyes. I’d be terrified of what I felt though.

Oh gods I get that too sometimes. It will probs happen today since I haven't seen her for 4 weeks.

I've just been listening to this song from 2:00 onwards over and over because it says exactly what I feel when I look into his eyes

I am okay
I am okay
I am okay
I am okay

T, I really want to text you because I am feeling so incredibly alone and nervous. I won't, as you just wrote me an e-mail last night...it sucks having no one sometimes.

good job lol

jk

Dear T,
I kinda hope p-doc didn't update you on today's session. I hope you'll understand that I've decided to not try the one med, the second one, after reading about it more. It scares me too much. Let's discuss out other ways to deal with that. I'll definitely try the Lexapro, though--pretty sure the Zoloft is no longer doing anything for me, and it's one of few SSRIs I've yet to try.
LT

seriously i mean why do you put up with me?! i must be such an absolute pain in teh butt to you.

it was really hard hearing some of the stuff you said today, t, but i can't thank you enough for having the cojones to say it all, I know you are right and i'm sorry that right now i just can't do it because i think that coming weekly for like 3 months would be ****ing awesome if h wasn't being a **** about it i know you probably think i'm a weak and cowardly dork about now and probably super disappointed in me and stuff but damn this is so hard. damn.

i'm disappointed in myself

Dear No. 3,

You really missed the boat, you know.

ATAT

three weeks left
- it's so soon
- it's an eternity

*whimper* T, I miss your kind voice desperately.

Why am I still hoping you will magically get in touch this week?

I just, well, I appreciate you so very much, you know. Yesterday's session was hard, you said a couple of truths that hurt to the bone, but with such compassion. Thanks for understanding and not refusing to let me come a couple more times after I backed out of the 2-3 month thing. I know it would be best in the long run if I did come longer but... I'm not ready to upend my life just yet and that is what I would have to be prepared to do.

Dear T,

Things are percolating from two weeks ago about making choices, although Wednesday's discussion about the cage I put myself in isn't exactly irrelevant. Made a choice about my weekly meeting with my creative friend. Feels like too much pressure, wanted to move it to every 2 weeks. Emphasized it has nothing to do with her, she's not pressuring me, I am. Emailed her and she responded, she's fine with it. Let's just say one bar removed.