Couch 171: Scams R Us

ruh roh · Jul 13, 2018, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

How would you feel if your therapist told you that they accommodate you more than they do their other clients? What if the tone it was said in sounded quasi-accusatory and defensive? He seems to think I expect all kinds of things from him but I'm not sure how I'm conveying that. I asked him for a quick chat this morning and it left me feeling worse. I feel like a burden still. I think I am a burden. He keeps telling me he can't meet all my needs. Of course he can't. I didn't ask him to.

I would not feel good. That said, you seem to mostly be unhappy with your therapist, and there are a lot of complaints, so maybe it would be a good idea to look for another? I'm not sure he can really help you through the trauma and violence you've been through.

susannahsays · Jul 13, 2018, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

At one point today, he said I need to take into account other people's feelings when he was talking about me saying (in the letter) that I was hurt about him going to a conference next week.

I'm confused by this suggestion of his as it pertains to him going to a conference. Granted, I'm not very good with feelings, but it seems bizarre to me that his attendance at this conference evokes such sensitive feelings that they must be deferred to. You'd think he was talking about attending a parent's funeral or something else deeply personal, not a business engagement. I don't really get what feelings he has about the conference that you should have taken into account - especially that would then make it inappropriate for you to share yours. I think it's particularly ridiculous that you're supposed to anticipate and give care to your therapist's emotions about this conference in order to know you need to be silent about your own.

NP_Complete · Jul 13, 2018, 06:12 PM

Other than the DBT thing that we disagree on, I think he's been a really good therapist for me. It's just somehow gotten derailed since he came back from his vacation. Now that I think about I think I know which thing I said that caused all this. I'm such an idiot. I have no idea how to fix this now.

velcro003 · Jul 13, 2018, 06:37 PM

what do you think you said that has made him act differently?

CantExplain · Jul 13, 2018, 06:41 PM

Have the passions deserted me? Is there nothing left but comfort, convenience and satisfaction?

NP_Complete · Jul 13, 2018, 06:44 PM

We met the day after his vacation on a Friday. It was an okay session, but I didn't feel that connection. I was basically running on fumes at that point. After I left, I felt this wave of despair and loneliness wash over me. It was awful. I told him (in the letter) that I had seriously considered suicide that afternoon and night. I decided not to drink that night because I felt like I might do it. Since he read it, he's been saying he can't fill all my needs and boundaries and other things in the same vein. I think he's scared that I'm going to kill myself because he can't meet my needs and he's going to blame himself. In fact, I'm very confident that's exactly what all this is about. I don't know how to fix this. He's actually one of the main reasons I don't kill myself. I don't want to hurt him. What am I supposed to do? I sent him an email to apologize but I doubt it's enough.

Jul 13, 2018, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You need those pictures for closure.

Exactly. Because she always said she would give them to me 'someday'.

NP_Complete · Jul 13, 2018, 07:06 PM

I feel like the world's worst person right now. He's been through all this with me and I've made him doubt himself.

Jul 13, 2018, 07:06 PM

I was talking to another exBIL who is a T and he said there are T's out there who see "do nothing" the same as "Do no harm"!

WarmFuzzySocks · Jul 13, 2018, 07:12 PM

NP- Being real about where you are is what you're supposed to do in therapy.

His fears and doubts are his responsibility, not yours. You've got enough on your plate without taking on his stuff.

WarmFuzzySocks · Jul 13, 2018, 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I had already decided to make ice cream this week-end. Bowl is in the freezer as we speak! It will be fresh peach with a touch of Amaretto. It makes amazing ice cream sandwiches using ginger snaps--or even crumbling snaps over the top in a dish.

Other favorites: Black Walnut or Pistachio (the only other ice creams I like with chunks), Coffee, Lemon Custard, and Green Tea. And yes--a fabulous Vanilla. Love dark chocolate, but chocolate ice cream tastes too much like milk chocolate, so not a fan.

Now I want homemade peach ice cream. Yum.

DP_2017 · Jul 13, 2018, 07:18 PM

Having a terrible night. Hating myself so much. Wishing I could talk to T but I surely am not gonna waste his Friday night bothering him with my drama. Sucks having no one else I can really talk to.

stopdog · Jul 13, 2018, 07:23 PM

Homemade peach ice cream was something we had once a summer. It was quite the ordeal with getting the salt and the ice ready. My dad and grandfather were in charge of the mechanics operating the machine and my grandmother made the base. We churned it by hand until eventually my grandmother made them use the motorized churn.

atisketatasket · Jul 13, 2018, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

Exactly. Because she always said she would give them to me 'someday'.

Art, I don’t understand. You say the pictures were an excuse to contact her. But now you also say you need them for closure. The two can’t co-exist to my mind.

CantExplain · Jul 13, 2018, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

We met the day after his vacation on a Friday. It was an okay session, but I didn't feel that connection. I was basically running on fumes at that point. After I left, I felt this wave of despair and loneliness wash over me. It was awful. I told him (in the letter) that I had seriously considered suicide that afternoon and night. I decided not to drink that night because I felt like I might do it. Since he read it, he's been saying he can't fill all my needs and boundaries and other things in the same vein. I think he's scared that I'm going to kill myself because he can't meet my needs and he's going to blame himself. In fact, I'm very confident that's exactly what all this is about. I don't know how to fix this. He's actually one of the main reasons I don't kill myself. I don't want to hurt him. What am I supposed to do? I sent him an email to apologize but I doubt it's enough.

They encourage us to depend on them and then let us down.

CantExplain · Jul 13, 2018, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I feel like the world's worst person right now. He's been through all this with me and I've made him doubt himself.

His T would tell him: "Doubt is a gift. All wisdom begins with doubt."

CantExplain · Jul 13, 2018, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Having a terrible night. Hating myself so much. Wishing I could talk to T but I surely am not gonna waste his Friday night bothering him with my drama. Sucks having no one else I can really talk to.

You can talk to us. Privately, if necessary.

CantExplain · Jul 13, 2018, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Art, I don’t understand. You say the pictures were an excuse to contact her. But now you also say you need them for closure. The two can’t co-exist to my mind.

Human motives are seldom pure. That's why Ts make so much money!

atisketatasket · Jul 13, 2018, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Human motives are seldom pure. That's why Ts make so much money!

Because their own motives aren’t pure?

But it’s a serious question (for art). If the pictures are a need they are not an excuse. If they are an excuse they are not a need.

feralkittymom · Jul 13, 2018, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Homemade peach ice cream was something we had once a summer. It was quite the ordeal with getting the salt and the ice ready. My dad and grandfather were in charge of the mechanics operating the machine and my grandmother made the base. We churned it by hand until eventually my grandmother made them use the motorized churn.

Yup--I only make it once a summer, too, when the peaches are at their peak; it's not worth it otherwise. I still think the White Mountain churn with ice and salt makes the best ice cream, but, being lazy, I'm using a Cuisinart!
Did your grandmother make a custard base? I do for most ice cream, but for peach I like no eggs better--lighter and more peachy, I think. The amaretto gives a nice layer of flavor, but is mostly to prevent the ice crystals common to no egg ice cream.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 13, 2018, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

We met the day after his vacation on a Friday. It was an okay session, but I didn't feel that connection. I was basically running on fumes at that point. After I left, I felt this wave of despair and loneliness wash over me. It was awful. I told him (in the letter) that I had seriously considered suicide that afternoon and night. I decided not to drink that night because I felt like I might do it. Since he read it, he's been saying he can't fill all my needs and boundaries and other things in the same vein. I think he's scared that I'm going to kill myself because he can't meet my needs and he's going to blame himself. In fact, I'm very confident that's exactly what all this is about. I don't know how to fix this. He's actually one of the main reasons I don't kill myself. I don't want to hurt him. What am I supposed to do? I sent him an email to apologize but I doubt it's enough.

I think you need to talk to him about these fears. You shouldn't have to apologize to him for being honest about your feelings. Plus, you took steps (not drinking) to stay safe. If you feel have to start hiding those thoughts from him, that wouldn't be good. Because you want to have the ability to be completely honest with him. Also, it's possible this isn't why he's acting differently.

unaluna · Jul 13, 2018, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Have the passions deserted me? Is there nothing left but comfort, convenience and satisfaction?

Midlife crisis?

velcro003 · Jul 13, 2018, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

We met the day after his vacation on a Friday. It was an okay session, but I didn't feel that connection. I was basically running on fumes at that point. After I left, I felt this wave of despair and loneliness wash over me. It was awful. I told him (in the letter) that I had seriously considered suicide that afternoon and night. I decided not to drink that night because I felt like I might do it. Since he read it, he's been saying he can't fill all my needs and boundaries and other things in the same vein. I think he's scared that I'm going to kill myself because he can't meet my needs and he's going to blame himself. In fact, I'm very confident that's exactly what all this is about. I don't know how to fix this. He's actually one of the main reasons I don't kill myself. I don't want to hurt him. What am I supposed to do? I sent him an email to apologize but I doubt it's enough.

Hmmmm. Maybe, but I hope you can ask him directly about it. Let's go with the idea that it is what caused him to talk about boundaries and needs.

The first thing I thought of was that it scared him, the idea of you actually killing yourself, and why he backtracked a little in what he was saying.

I've talked pretty seriously about suicide with my T, and when she gets really worried she starts talking about me maybe needing a higher level of care temporarily, or going to see my shrink for a med adjustment, but she never backs away. In fact just last session she said she would be devastated if I killed myself. I hear her words but really they have no emotional impact on me, which I should probably tell her.

Anyway, maybe that is what happened, but maybe it is something personal in his life that is affecting his sessions with you.

I hope you can ask him.

NP_Complete · Jul 13, 2018, 09:34 PM

I do plan on talking with him about it, but I feel like this is the issue. It seems to explain the mixed messages, like about him caring about me and telling me it's okay to ask for what I need while at the same time feeling like he's pulling back a little bit and saying he can't meet all my needs. Once I saw it, it felt like all the pieces fell into place. I've been thinking quitting therapy might be the fix. I don't want to be the person making him anxious and doubting our therapy together. I plan on going Monday so I have a few days to think about it.

StressedMess · Jul 13, 2018, 09:38 PM

Family game night consisted of d's boyfriend teaching us Texas Hold 'em, and then getting fleeced of all my play money. Youngest d then trounced us all in hand after hand of Uno. We laughed and shared memories and laughed some more. I'm glad we can all play together now, for years past the little didn't "get" games and the oldest wasn't interested in Chutes and Ladders. Guess I will invest in a few board games to make it more fun.

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Couch 171: Scams R Us

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