Couch 171: Scams R Us

Did she take pics on her phone or what?

I feel terrible. I limit myself to 1 call to T no matter how long the gap between sessions is. Two more weeks then 3 weeks then 5 weeks...

Try to go easy on yourself.You need as much support as you need QM.If I was a T I'd be glad if a client reached out instead of them spiraling. The amount you need your T will depend on all the other things going on around you.

Some really bad stuff happened involving the friend / acquaintance who also sees T.

Long complicated story which I can PM if you want but TLDR T said I shouldn't have told her a sensitive thing about that friend. It meant me and T lied for a year. I told T out of concern, not because I wanted to gossip. And that friend is mad with me, rightfully so.

T said yesterday via phone not to self blame but T agreed I should never have told T XYZ. I shall not talk or write about my friends to T anymore.

I don't know how that came about. I think they were partners before they started making movies, and Laurel always handled the negotiations.

I suspect it was also a case of "I created you, so you're my slave forever."

I stupidly lost the session notes I spent ages typing out.

What a shame! I hate it when that happens.

The only thing to do is to start again straight away. If it is any consolation, the second attempt is always better.

It is 100 percent all and ONLY T's responsibility to contain and process info, keeping it separate. If she can't handle that in a professional way, then she can't see people who are friends. That's my opinion- in NO way your fault, not even a little bit.

I feel T blamed me though she said to "drop the self blame". Because she said I should never have told her. And that she had to lie for a year pretending she didn't know X, just as I lied every time said friend asked "Do you think T knows about my secret X?"

I feel it's all my fault. It was a really big secret with huge ramification in that friend's issues...

Now I feel I can't talk to T about my friends anymore. Especially as another friend might start seeing T too... They all need her more then me. Serious thing happened which proved my friend really needs to see T more often.

I should go away. I'm not sui. I don't deserve care, my friends do. No one cares because I'm always high functioning and would never attempt sui.

I feel T blamed me for telling my friend's secret.

I feel like the question is--is your main purpose in going to get the photos, or is it to see her? If it's just about the photos, then maybe you could have her mail (or e-mail? depending on what form they're in) the photos to you. If you actually want another session with her, I'd just be up front about that, and say while you're there, you'd also like to get the photos.

It seems like you had a good ending though, so maybe it would be good to just let it be for a bit, in terms of seeing her? In which case, you could see if she could mail the photos, or, if it doesn't feel urgent to get them, just say you want to get them from her at some point, but it's not urgent.

Ugh, that sucks--been there! Out of curiosity, do you usually type them directly into PC? I usually type them up as an e-mail draft in Gmail, since that keeps automatically saving them like every few seconds. Or in Word if you have autosave on.

Your need for a T isn't just about SUI. You very much deserve care. You're dealing with a lot from the past and present.


It's not fair for your T to blame you for sharing the secret. She should be able to handle hearing things about others and keeping those things confidential. If she can't, then she shouldn't see friends of clients.

Also if my abusive sibling seeks help at the same hospital, T is the only therapist working with trauma and personality issues. So good, soft hearted T would probably see my sibling lol.

Another friend G once was almost going to be assigned to T. Ex T and T both agreed T would be a good match. T said she would see him. G saw another therapist (T's colleague) and eventually chose another hospital. But now G is reconsidering returning and T is the only one with training to help him. And T will see him if so.

Anyway this is all wrapped up in my jealousy issues.

I don't remember details of the phone call so I'm not sure if I heard everything T said through a distorted lens. But I know she definitely agreed I shouldn't have told her the secret.

Of course I take that as blaming me. Though T would probably say she's not blaming me. I don't recall her explicitly saying something "I am not blaming you / You are not to blame" so I just feel she's blaming me.

And I can't call anymore. I limit myself to 1 call per gap. I feel I should just walk away from T. Stupid attachment anyway, you know? She's so loving and kind to ALL her patients and I take up a valuable time slot.

And it's selfish of me that I see her so much more often than people needing REAL help.

((QM))

Went to the bathroom because I have been crying silently at work off and on despite hours of self soothing, concentrating on work, grounding, music etc.

A colleague was on the way to the gents and must have noticed my face before I turned away (must have looked rude) or something because he asked "How are you?" I said "I'm just tired" but my voice was all quavery, yikes.

Yep.

(8 char)

My T said something interesting he's never told me before. He said that he sometimes feels a bit of anxiety about me using PC because it feels a bit exposing to him. He wasn't discouraging me from using PC he thinks it's good for me but it's interesting he has that response. He said it's not major, but a slight underlying anxiety.
I went on to tell him some things I've posted (like his letter) and he looked down coyly and I said "sorry I'm making you feel even more vulberable" and he said no keep going, it's good! It's my stuff.

Good question. I want the pics yes, but there's a part of me that just wants to see her and is using the pics as an excuse. I'm going to call her after we're both back in town (she'd told me when she'd be back) and just ask her to email me the pics because you're right. It was a good ending and going would be stirring up my feelings again. I can work with them on my own; I learned very well from her how to do so. Thanks LT.

Oh no, I hate when that used to happen to me. Maybe retyping them they'll come out better! (((Lemoncake)))

Glad that helped. I just know that sometimes I use something else as an excuse to contact someone (like my T), so was curious if this might have been the case for you. If you hadn't had a good ending, I think it would have been different. But you just seemed so settled about it, that I wondered if it might stir up other things.

Thanks. I sorta think that's what it should be though in my case, at least for awhile. I'd be using them as an excuse to see her likely. I am gonna just call her and ask her to email them.

Thanks, QM. I'm gonna ask her for them.

That last part... exactly. I'd be poking the hornets nest of my feelings for her that I'm still trying to process. With the morning light comes clarity....

I'm going to only use word from now on!

I told him that I couldn’t do three sessions long term, and as long as I wasn’t actively suicidal I couldn’t justify the extra cost. Then that I had booked my flight ticket back home for Wednesday the 18th as ticket prices were insanely high at the moment and it was as much as an £80 difference, so it made sense to wait a week when they had more than halved. As it was a late flight I’d come back by 12pm as I live an hour and a half away from the airport. I said I didn’t want the session the next day on Thursday as I’d told my mother I was no longer seeing him and it would be hard to just disappear for 3 hours the day I just got back (he lives an hour away from me) I’d like to see him on Tuesday for just one session. I also said that I had paid my brother’s deposit for accommodation.

He asked if I was acting out by withholding payment, and wanted to charge me for the missed sessions (he’s never done that before, we've always just rescheduled ). He said that he felt like I was sending a message to him that he was worthless that I didn’t need him that I had better things to spend the money on.

I said I wasn't made of money.That I wasn't working- I only got £250 a month from my grandmother and £150 from my father sometimes, it would the same as him paying his mortgage first before anything else.

R: He said it felt like I was trying to bully him with money.
S:Okay.
R: Maybe you’re hoping that I would change, that he would come to me and say please don’t leave I need you.
S:Yeah you really need me to boost your ego and tell you how hot you are.
R:You want me to say okay I won’t go on holiday.
S: I’m not saying that, you can go on holiday for as much as you want just make sure you actually leave something in place for me and not make it sound like im asking for something that’s so impossible.
R:well many times I’ve asked you what would that look like, what is it that you require? (I asked for email contact before).
S: yes, but it’s not like you’re going to listen to me, you’re just going to go anyway/
R: you want me to be in place when im not here. You want to pretend as though I’m not on a break and that actually I am available to you whenever you need me.
Skay, so we’re just pretending then.
R: is that what you want?
S: I just want to know that you’re still there, that nothing bad has happened to you.
R:I think you also want me to know that you’re still there. The thought of me going and doing something somewhere else with other people horrifies you. You want to be a part of that.you know you can’t be a physical part of that, but there is something you can do that means you’re not forgotten and it feels so unfair to be left out.
S: whatever. A therapist going on holiday is not the same as a doctor going on holiday. Doctors are replaceable you can just get somebody else to take your place.
R: and you’re going to notice my not being here.
S: obviously.
R: and what does that gonna be like?
S: the way it’s always been. S you’re on your own. And you’re actually going for a very long time, this is the longest you’ve been away for so don’t expect me not to react.
R: I do expect you to react, but I also hope you’ll be able to talk about it.
S: that’s what im doing now
R: and I appreciate that , so how long does it take for you to feel sufficiently lonely that you need to check to see that I’m still alive.
S: don’t know. It depends.
R: sometimes the weekends seem too long.
S: okay then. Im just tired
R : tired or bored?
S: tired. So why do I have to be charged for missing sessions, but you get to go on breaks whenever you want?
R: it seems like you’re unhappy
S: oh well let’s just say from tomorrow I’m going on holiday
R: many times you tell me you’re going to cancel but you do come.
S: well this time I mean it for real, so don’t call me. And why are you dragging this whole plan thing like it’s some big elaborate thing. It’s either yes S you can email me or no you can’t.
R: it’s striking how on one hand you don’t really care, you don’t need me or care, but on the other you really really do care. This idea of a plan doesn’t seem very meaningful to me. It doesn’t seem to have a real purpose other than to be a cause to rally behind, a reason to be unhappy.
S: okay I’ve found my cause then.
R: and what benefit does that bring you?
Skay just turn this on me. I need you to but you’re choosing to leave me.
R: huh?
S: nothing.
R: it seems like you’re upset with me.
S: yeah I am. For you being so dumb.
R: being dumb?
S: is it really that hard to get?
R: it would be easier to tell me.
S: I am telling you. ((Crying starts)) Anyway I don’t want to see you anymore and I want my therapy notes as well.
Silence for around 5 mins
R: your distressed.
S: no I’m not. I’m fine (more crying)
R: you seem overcome with sadness, it seems like you’re telling me that you want me. You need me. I’m telling you you can. You want me to reciprocate and it feels humiliating to you that I can be so stubborn, so blind.
R:you’re oscillating between whether to trust me or whether to hate me.
S: quoting him from before “that’s what you’re an oscillator”
R: no so bad is it? You’re trying to work out if I’m a decent guy or whether I’m a bastard. You want to believe that I’m okay but it’s hard. You feel the notes will give you an insight into what I really think of you and that will help steer you in the right direction. Maybe you also wonder if I get kick out of developing some kind of dependency in you then leaving you just to watch you squirm. I think there is a part of you that recognises this as just part of the process, part of you trusts me, but only for a moment then the walls go up again.
S: there’s this poem by Pablo Nerdua that goes: I don’t love you except because I love you. I go from loving you to not loving you. From waiting to not waiting for you. Then he’s like I hate you deeply and hating you bend to you. I do not see you but love you blindly. That’s just what comes to me now.
R: and you think that’s appropriate? You want to send it to me
S: no. it goes on: in this part of the story I am the the one who dies.
R: you’ve talking about an all consuming kind of love that exhausts everything around it like fire.
S: It ends “because I love you in fire and blood.” This is why he’s my favourite poet.
R: why won’t you send it to me?
S: it’s a love poem, but he’s written 20 love poems and song of despair so you can google it yourself.
R: I will look it up. Maybe one day I will listen to the therapy song as well (niles crane singing).
S: you haven’t have you? ( I sent this ages ago)
R: maybe one day I’ll send you your notes.
S: yeah well technically you have 30 days- they changed it in may 2018. Well anyway it was nice knowing you and I hope you have fun and a wonderful holiday. I’m going on one tomorrow as well so bye.