Couch 171: Scams R Us

Agh, applying to jobs is like a full time job in itself!

I'll hop in too Lost if I'm not too late!

Thank you very much to all my pocket riders. Class was OK, but I am spending a lot of time in a dissociative state. Fun, fun, fun...

I have realized this morning it's just going to take some time, this grieving the loss of my relationship with ex-t. She is absolutely right to not respond to my email from last weekend wherein I told her I'd call about the sand tray pictures. (I'd also told her I'd had the talk with my mom that she'd encouraged me to have.) Its like I can't fully process the loss of the relationship until I get the pictures because right now they are a reason to contact her if that makes any sense. I dunno. I just know that I am missing the relationship but can't fully grieve that loss until it fully is one? After I get the pics.

I'm heading out for another Social Responsibility day with coworkers! More preparation for the Christmas in July party for the local foster kids charity. Today we are going to be bagging up all the toys we previously bought, loading up a u-haul and taking them to the party venue, then unloading them and setting up for the party which is tonight. I'm volunteering to help with the party itself too, I am so looking forward to seeing the kids open their presents!! My friend who's running this event called me last night and said basically "Aaaaggghhhh! They added more kids!!" She's currently pregnant so I said you just relax as much as you can, I'll go to wal-mart and buy some more toys and me and h will just donate them. So I did, I found some stuff on sale and spent about $40 on some baby and toddler toys. Eek! It's time for me to leave! we're meeting at 8 at her mom's office because there's a big space there we can use to bag up everything (we're using bags instead of wrapping paper because there are upwards of 300 items....) there will be 6 of us.... later couchies!

If you had vanilla, it would not live up to the hype because they don't make a flavor with actual vanilla bean in it. I have to buy a different brand if I'm craving vanilla.

Hi Jersey! Hang in there.

How's your dog doing?

I sometimes eat hagan daz dulce de leche or their chocolate (I did this more before menopause during that salty then sweet craving time of the month)-but usually I make my own or get it when I am visiting some special ice cream shop. I was disappointed in the bluebell because I was expecting the hype to be true and for me it was not. And for me, the only way for a brand to not disappoint me if it is hyped up by those who eat it, is for the vanilla to be magical.

So, I just got the finalized offer from the new place (they met the $ I asked for, no questions asked).

Told my boss that I’m quitting and he’s been trying to persuade me otherwise all day — so he took me out for a beer and said apparently the big boss is going to make me a counter-offer (meeting in a bit).

I’m woozy as heck (low alcohol tolerance) and not sure I’m thinking straight — I’m tempted to ask for a ton of money although it doesn’t actually interest me just to piss them off and watch them squirm.

How would you feel if your therapist told you that they accommodate you more than they do their other clients? What if the tone it was said in sounded quasi-accusatory and defensive? He seems to think I expect all kinds of things from him but I'm not sure how I'm conveying that. I asked him for a quick chat this morning and it left me feeling worse. I feel like a burden still. I think I am a burden. He keeps telling me he can't meet all my needs. Of course he can't. I didn't ask him to.

@NP I would not like it if the therapist said such a thing to me. What could be the purpose, other than to insinuate that one is high maintenance and inflict a degree of shame?

He's going to a conference next week to get CEU's apparently. He's taking off Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. We normally meet Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. We're scheduled to meet Monday and Friday next week. One of the things I brought up in my letter this week was that I felt hurt and frustrated with him taking these days off when he had previously told me that he was going to be here to support me through the fire anniversary crap. He says he's glad I shared, but he also got really defensive about it today. He said something about cancelling all his other clients next week. When we originally scheduled for Friday he told me he was already going to be in the office (it's normally his day off). Now I'm wondering if he's only coming in for me. If so, I don't want to come. I'm also wondering if he cancelled his other Monday clients. I feel like he's resenting me right now. I thought it was supposed to be okay to talk about your feelings about the relationship. He says it's okay, but he's also getting very defensive from my perspective. I don't know what to do with all this. This is making me feel such hate for myself.

I don't think he should have told you he cancelled all his other clients. He sounds like he's being passive aggressive. If he feels like he's doing the best he can by you in meeting twice next week, I think that is maybe reasonable to express. However, he could have said just that without informing you that you receive more accommodations than any of his other clients, will be the only client accommodated next week, and that he can't meet all your needs. The extra information serves no purpose except to tell you that you are in the wrong. I also think he intentionally or unintentionally intended to shame you for being needy. I think he should treat you with a lot more respect. It seems to me he has a good deal going with you since you see him three times a week - instead of seeing three different people with three different files to maintain, he only has to deal with one person. C and I worked in a mental health clinic, and from what I observed, a smaller caseload in terms of number of clients is beneficial. So you should be seen as an asset, seeing him so frequently. That said, I would look for a different therapist. This one sounds like he needs to work on his bedside manner /customer service or whatever they call it when it's a therapist. I agree that he sounds resentful. Sorry if that was harsh. C says I'm too abrasive.

You need those pictures for closure.

I would feel sorry for the other clients. Just kidding!

Serious response coming...

I don't think I'd let him get away with an accusatory and defensive tone.

Me: Is that a criticism? Because it sounds like it.

Hmmm... My instinct is always to counterattack. Is that bad?

The funny thing is that he has never shamed me for being needy. We've talked about it a lot over the last few months and he's always said my needs are normal and fine. He's always told me that it's okay that he's my only support right now, told me it's not my fault that's the case, and told me he was happy to be that for me right now. I don't know what went wrong. This all started after I shared the letter. I'm not sure what thing I did that pushed him over to feeling resentful.

And on the flip side, last session he said the phrase "the love I feel for you". I can't remember the context because I was crying at the time, but I was surprised he used that word vs. "care". I'm so confused. I believe he cares. I just don't know what's happening now.

Is C your partner?
Some of us use H for husband or W for wife.

Just trying to understand.

Oh man, Couch.

Blindsided today.

The kids' dad and I drew up wills to make sure the kids are protected. In addition to the paperwork I was expecting, the attorney drew up power of attorney paperwork.

So there I am in the middle of this meeting with a very nice attorney trying to figure out how to tactfully say to both of them that there is NO WAY in F***ing H-E-double hockey sticks that I am signing over that kind of control to him.

@$#%&@*&%$#@

I navigated it pretty gracefully (I think, it seemed graceful inside my head, anyway), but now I am having a delayed reaction. I am p*ssed off and I want to barf.

I wonder if he could be dealing with something in his personal life right now? Just because in some ways he's seeming extra caring and then in others to be asserting his boundaries. Plus if he's changing some to doing more assessing and less therapy. It could be he's worried he's not helping you enough.

Also, in saying that other clients aren't coming in that day, maybe he's trying to show how much he cares about you that he's coming in for you?

Last week, when I was really struggling after Thursday's session and e-mailed, my T initially offered me a Friday afternoon session, then shortly afterward said he actually couldn't give me that, but could give me 8:30 a.m. I really wonder if he came in early just for me, if that wasn't a normal slot he worked, since he had to unlock all the doors and stuff. I felt a little bad about it, but he said I certainly didn't have to apologize to him for taking it (I mean, maybe he does normally come in that early and had a cancellation, who knows?). And once ex-MC gave us an extra session on a Saturday (I know he works a couple Saturdays a month). But I wonder if he came in just for us, because he showed up late (so no one before us), then we were just hanging around chatting for a long time beyond session time, so it didn't seem like there was anyone after us. (And he lives like an hour away from the office.)

I'm rambling now. But both of those times, I felt a mix of gratitude/feeling like T/ex-MC really cared and was making time for me (or us), mixed with some guilt/feeling that I didn't deserve it. Then there was the time it was a holiday (maybe July 4? Labor Day?) and we were seeing ex-MC. He made a comment about how he'd rather be sitting in his backyard cooking out but opted to be responsible and come to work. Which made me feel awful. I told current T about that recently, and he was like, "What was he thinking in saying that?"

I'd talk to your T more about your concerns. And if you need his support the week he'll be away (sounds like you do, given the anniversary), and he's offering you Monday and Friday, take them. He could have always chosen not to offer them if he didn't want to.

Nope, neither. You can see my thread about being angry at the therapist if you're curious. Don't feel like getting into it here.

If he'd said any of those things with a tone of caring I'd be okay I think. But the tone I picked up on just felt accusatory. At one point today, he said I need to take into account other people's feelings when he was talking about me saying (in the letter) that I was hurt about him going to a conference next week. I thought we were allowed to say what we feel. He's usually good with stuff like this. This has thrown me for a loop. I almost want to send him a follow up email to apologize for the letter and tell him how much he means to me. I feel like I've hit a raw nerve in him and I feel so terrible about that. But maybe he'd be mad if I sent it. He's not taking away outside contact, by the way. He thanked me for asking him if he could talk today and said to keep doing that, but that he would not always be able to do it.

Hey couch, can I just flop for a few minutes and wait for the ibuprofen to kick in? So glad the work week is over. Today was extraordinarily busy, my computer decided I no longer need to print anything (the entire IT department was stumped) and my supervisor apparently had a horrible day and got pretty angry towards the end of the day. All in all I am just glad it's over.

Tomorrow is my oldest daughter's 21st birthday. I feel so old. I still have urges to wrap her in bubble wrap and treat her like a child. Parenting an adult will come with unforeseen issues, I'm sure.

Have a good weekend couch!

Hi couch peeps. I have so much to catch up on on the couch. I am finally home from work and off all next week. Last year they paid me for the week off, this year they didn’t. I feel a little bit put off by it. Last year when they paid me for the week off they said I deserved it. So I guess them not paying me for this coming week off means I don’t deserve it? It’s their vacation week, I didn’t request it and Last year I also worked the same amount of hours as I did this week prior to them going away. I guess technically they are not under any obligation to pay me for the week off and we don’t have anything written about it so I guess they are not wrong for not paying but I just feel put off that they didn’t. Oh well. I guess that’s my issue to deal with.