Couch 171: Scams R Us

Also Art, upon skimming your older threads..it looks like you’ve “terminated” with this T a lot since 2012. I didn’t read all the threads but I hope all the times u terminated with this T since then is not because your H has his boxers in a bunch. It would explain at least part of the reason why you keep going back. There are probably other reasons there as well, but you should go as long as you need to go for you.

Family tried this with me. I responded with "You should do whatever you think is best for you".

They are still toodling around, decade plus later.

Art, your post made me so sad for you. Life can get so messy sometimes when it seems like there's no right answer. I was there in my marriage too. I wish I had something useful to say. If you take H and his desires (demands?) out of the picture, what does Art want to do?

Art, I went on your profile here because I recalled you having this same issue for awhile now with your H. You actually started a thread last year in August called Marriage or Therapy and discussed how your H wanted to move out because you went back to therapy and were spending all your money on it, etc..etc..etc...(I guess during one of your breaks). Obviously there is so much more that your H has not come to terms with. He’s still stuck in the same spiral and you are growing. It looks like in that thread he hates your therapist.

Hey, art—just wanted to let you know I’m setting the last test for my summer theories of myth course, and I put a question about Jung in just for you.

ETA: the Couch can be a deeply influential place. I haven’t eaten a Burger King croissan’wich since una said they were the second grossest thing she’d ever had in her mouth.

Wow, Art--it's like he was just waiting for the opportunity to jump on this.


So your husband throws a toddler tantrum, and it worked. Again. You've decided what it means for the future and made your decision to accommodate him. And again, he gets to not take any responsibility for his life, his emotions, his needs.


Do you not hear his contradictory messages to you: just be happy and make up your mind--but do what I need? And if you don't, I'll make you ultimately responsible by killing myself. "I'll hold my breath until I turn blue." Do you see what childish behavior this is?


I'm sorry, but I don't see any way this repetitious cycle ends until you can declare to him that he's responsible for his life and you will no longer carry his emotional life as your burden. And if it takes forever in therapy to reach that point, so be it. You get to control your life--but that also means you alone have responsibility for your life.


It seems to me that you each spend so much energy shifting your individual responsibility for your individual lives to the other, neither of you are owning your own lives. Which also means neither of you have much to offer the other. And neither of you sound very satisfied with that.

AY--thank you for saying to go ahead and just email my therapist. I did, and she replied. This is really hard stuff. She has been there during these many months of serious health issues, so it's not really possible for her to say it's no big deal, not to worry. She is coming back for a week and then leaving again for an indefinite period of time. At least she stays in touch, though.

Ugh, I'm so sorry, Art. I'd be a mess, too.

First, as QM said, his comment about what he wanted to do after the phone argument is extremely manipulative. (Even if he did legitimately feel that way.) And makes it sound like he needs therapy, too...though I get the sense he's the type who would never go.

The thing he said about not wanting to hear your worries would bother me, too. It makes me think of what my H said a few months ago, where all I talk about is therapy (so not true!) And I was like, "well, you said you wanted me to share more of what was going on in my head, and this is what's going on in my head right now, so..." He's been better about it since then.

Your H clearly doesn't understand anxiety, because, as I'm sure you know, "stop worrying" does NOT work! Along with "there's nothing to be anxious about," etc. I'm sure you wish you didn't worry so much or that you could be more decisive--I know I do (about myself!) anyway--and it's not like you're doing this on purpose to annoy your H. Sorry, I'll stop ranting, I just feel for you.

Any way you can talk to your T before next week? (Or is it this week you see her?)

Am sorry — that sounds super sucky to deal with on top of everything else you’re dealing with.

I hope she’ll continue to be open to email and maybe phone / Skype calls?

Thanks. Yes, I think she'll be open to email, although this is a very happy time in her life and it would be nice for her to have this break from work.

Yeah, don’t do that — worry about whether you can bug her with your stuff.

If Blondie is the norm (and I think she is), therapists have a pretty solid compartmentalization thing going on.

Blondie had no idea what I was talking about (looked totally puzzled) when I said she’d get emotionally affected by stuff and won’t be able to enjoy her time off.

She basically scoffed and said that I have absolutely no need to worry that any of my stuff will affect her time with her family and then I think she realized how cold that sounded and so, she tried to backpedal in a very Blondie-like way on how she would like me to be connnnnnnected and suppppported etc etc.

Bottomline — if your therapist is open to being contacted, just do it.

Would he consider seeing a T?

Do you feel safe? Anger is a normal response but physically acting on it isn't okay. Emotional abuse is still abuse at the end of the day.

I'm trying to get him into therapy. We found a guy that looks to be a good fit, but he's really booked.

I feel safe for right now, but not when he's angry. 4 years ago, he broke my elbow by trying to prevent me from leaving. He has since never touched me when he's angry. The problem is that he doesn't leave me alone when he's angry. He doesn't leave when I tell him to leave. And when I try to leave, he blocks the way.

Oh oh oh!

It’s World Emoji Day!

Why do I feel so ill at ease today? Rupture with my therapist was resolved. Work project was finished. I called my mother and the hospice is in-home so it's maybe not so dire yet. I also shared with her that I have PTSD and anxiety and that this week is the fire anniversary, which she wasn't aware of. I always feel like I fraud when I say I have PTSD to someone which I've only done twice IRL. I also told two colleagues the reason I couldn't do some work on Saturday is because I am doing self-care this weekend. I feel really icky about sharing these things. I should probably keep my mouth shut in the future.

W says it's hard having a spouse in therapy. It's sometimes like T is the partner and W is the therapist.

If he were not in the picture, I would go back for a month or so and set a for real term date. I was happy with how we ended in June except for the pics and one other issue. Loose ends I guess.

Why do I feel so ill at ease today? Rupture with my therapist was resolved. Work project was finished. I called my mother and the hospice is in-home so it's maybe not so dire yet. I also shared with her that I have PTSD and anxiety and that this week is the fire anniversary, which she wasn't aware of. I always feel like I fraud when I say I have PTSD to someone which I've only done twice IRL. I also told two colleagues the reason I couldn't do some work on Saturday is because I am doing self-care this weekend. I feel really icky about sharing these things. I should probably keep my mouth shut in the future.