[DP_2017]

Without too much detail... my T randomly tells me yesterday in session that he is leaving today for 2 weeks. No outside contact. (partly due to where he is going because it's one of those places T's sometimes go to cut off the world and partly due to his boss insisting that he cut off all work related stuff for 2 weeks)

I'm struggling so much with the sudden-ness. He told me he was going away but said mid august and said a week. We have had outside contact in some form every week since we met. This is a massive routine change which I struggle with and with my anxiety, I'm convinced already that he's gonna forget me and ban me from ever having outside contact again. I feel like I'm being punished.

I am very independent, always have been. I've spent a lifetime learning to cope alone, so it's not that I can't. In my own ways, I can. I've got no choice really... but he's also the most supportive person in my life and I care deeply about him. I feel like I've had yet another death in my life.

I'm very concerned that he will forget me while he is away.... only remembering me when he sees my name on the calendar in 2 weeks and silently sighs to himself. I'm concerned we wont ever have outside contact again which has been very helpful to me in building and maintaining the trust and comfort. Normally he understands my fear of something happening to him and is more than willing to check in to let me know he's ok. This time it's like he basically is saying "Well, too bad, F you and good luck" I feel so worthless.

Anyway... how to I stop these thoughts since I can't discuss them with him? How do I somehow keep the connection that already feels like it's fading?

I get that he had no choice, he was forced to go NOW by his boss, stress related and that's why she is insistant on cutting off work but knowing that all I am to him is "Work" is the worst feeling.

We didn't talk much about it because I was so blindsided. He was kind and kept me late, tried to give me as much info as possible about this trip to ease my fear of him dying, and gave me something to take for 2 weeks that is special to us, he even texted me after session something funny and a goodbye, see you in 2 weeks type thing. He told me had me last intentionally so I was the last one he saw before he left and he has me on his first day back, that's great but 2 weeks is so long. I cant help but think without our usual routine, this bond we have created, the trust, everything will just die. I can't help but think of how worthless I am to him that he can't and wont check in with me even once. I see so many people here who get that when their T's go on break and mine has always been so good to me with that, so it just feels intensly personal.

I mean I get that he needs this break, I hope it helps him, I really do, but I also can't help how shocking and painful the sudden-ness is.... if he had given me a few days notice, I could have prepared more and had things written out to say, but I just sat there, crying and in a daze....mostly saying nothing important. Now I'm filled with regret.

I just need some reassurance on my worries about things with us and some advice on how to keep the connection going, or try to. I feel like someone stabbed me in the heart.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't really know what to say because I hated it when my former T went on vacation. Sometimes we had contact and sometimes not, it just depended on whether or not she stayed in the country, and when we didn't it was horrible even though I knew she needed the time.


It is really awful that you didn't get any notice. I can imagine that makes it even harder because there was no time to prepare. Its hard to think this, but I really don't think your T will forget you. It sounds like your T tried to show you a lot of care even though it was no notice.


Two weeks is also a long time. I know when my T would go out of the country and it was typically three weeks it was like an eternity. I could say its a great time to practice all the skills you are learning in therapy but I used to hate when people would tell me that because so much of therapy is about the relationship and about the connection. To be cut off from that for two weeks is just really hard, plain and simple.


I hope you can talk here while your T is away and get some support. Good wishes to you.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I used to hate when people would tell me that because so much of therapy is about the relationship and about the connection. To be cut off from that for two weeks is just really hard, plain and simple.

Totally this! I am glad you put this in words so well.

[toomanycats]

I've a feeling this is NOT the analogy that will work for you, but it works so well for me, so I'll share it anyways:

One of the things my friends who "get it" (attachment stuff) remind me of is that even the best most loving and devoted parent sometimes needs a break from his/her child - it doesn't mean he doesn't love her, that he forgets her, or that she's too much - it means that he cares so much that he recognizes that he has to take care of himself in order to have anything of value to give to you - someone he cares about.

[DP_2017]

Actually TMC that is really good and i get it... as a caregiver for my disabled sibling who has to take days to myself so I don't get burnout.

The kind and compassion side of me gets it and is totally happy for him. I hope he's having a good time and it will work, he will tell me all about it in two weeks.... but the problem is, I'm still having a hard time. Mostly I'm just scared I'll never be able to text or anything again. That has been hugely helpful for me in trust/comfort and it's NOT a daily thing. This will be the first time since we have texted last summer that I've gone 2 weeks without so it feels like a loss. I'm not sure how well I'd be able to trust him going forward if he comes back and is like "No more outside contact"-- because he says this isn't my fault but it sure feels like it IF that happens.

I'm trying really hard, I think I'm also struggling because my best friend, who I normally talk to about him, has ignored my texts for days too.... so it's like the two people I'm closest two are silent. Really painful

[junkDNA]

I think the part you wrote about him seeing you last, and first when he gets back... texting you goodbye after session... etc all can serve as reassurances to you that he does care about you.. and yes you are work but the two aren't on opposite ends of the spectrum... you can be work and he can care about you genuinely as well.

maybe he didn't even have notice and its something his boss sprung onto him.

my t used to do annual 2 week backpacking trips in the wilderness.. where he had no signal. now that he has his son he doesn't do that anymore (at least yet.. his son is a baby)

he's not gonna forget you. but I understand the fears for his safety. I used to get really worked up over wondering if T is dead. I would text him A LOT asking... are you dead? he'd always respond playfully ("yes I'm a zombie"..."spiritually..."). these interactions don't happen anymore though.

I found writing on PC to be helpful.

[DP_2017]

Thanks Junk, it's comforting to know you get it.... but I do worry those playful, fun interactions will be a memory. That I can't handle. I used them so much in keeping the comfort and trust going.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Thanks Junk, it's comforting to know you get it.... but I do worry those playful, fun interactions will be a memory. That I can't handle. I used them so much in keeping the comfort and trust going.

I did too. it meant a lot to me and did help build rapport and trust. I also thought I wouldn't be able to survive without our outside contact. it made me feel special to be frankly honest! but... I started to depend on it amd T noticed. t thought he was preventing me from branching out. he said I'm putting all my eggs in one basket (him). which was true. I had t I didn't need anyone else.

but yeah T decided it was time to pull back. that was 2 years ago. I get along better than I ever thought I would and I'm even willing to admit that I think it has been helpful. I've made more friends since then and depend on his replies a lot less... which took out a lot of distress time for me

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Anastasia~

Treat yourself with kindness and compassion. It is okay to feel however you feel. Allow yourself to grieve.


Things to Help you Get Through Two Weeks:
Think of things you love to do and plan something each day if you can. Create a T on Vacation thread and post in it here daily.

Search for some podcasts that you are really interested in and that can be an escape for you. Same with T.V. shows/movies, etc.
Find people who you can PM with here or elsewhere while your T is gone.

Buy 14 postcards and snail mail one to him each day he is gone.
Write a journal to him and read it when he gets back.


I am sorry this is so painful for you. My T is going away for a month in a few months, so I know how you feel. I feel so happy for him and his wife, and I am at the same time afraid of how I am going to feel (abandoned).


Take care.

Thanks for this post. Lots of good ideas here. I love the postcard thing but I only have his work address and I'd feel weird about doing that and them wondering what the hell was going on. I can probably write though. When I went on my weekend trip in April, I asked him for a few songs he liked, on a list and he did that so I can maybe listen to those.

I just keep thinking, one day done but then there's like a ton more to go and I'm already exhausted. Thankfully it's 13 days, not 14 but still. That means 12 long days to go... I'm trying to convince my mind he's overseas and that's why he can't talk at all... but then my anxiety reminds, me, no, it's because he doesn't want to... and I get depressed again. I think the sudden-ness really got to me, if I had more time to prepare, I might be better off right now.

[velcro003]

Hi Dp. From everythign you've written about your T, and especially in this thread--it seems his boss came down hard on him and said "You need to take some time off. No outside contact with clients," so he followed.

I have a really good feeling that in two weeks, you will meet, and he wont' suddenly change his ways.

[Anne2.0]

I have not experienced what you have with your T but I have a tiny window of understanding about how hard it is, especially with the suddenness. My T had surgery a few years ago, just months after my spouse died, after he was obviously not doing well physically. One week it was "I'm going to be out for 3 months starting next week."

Like you, I intellectually understood this was about him and not me, but it's especially hard for me when I *know* something and when I'm upset about it. Eventually I find it works itself out, but what I try during especially hard times is to learn one or two new coping strategies and keep trying them to see if they work for me. I wonder if creative visualization or greater physical activity might be useful for you. I find it distracting to search for new things to learn, sort through them, then implementing them.

I hope this time goes as easily as possible for you. For me it was helpful to try to learn something new and helpful and be able to report it back to T when he returned.

[DP_2017]

Hi all, thanks for the kind words thus far. Yesterday was rough, still a lot of shock and processing. I think I'll be ok at least until tomorrow afternoon, when we have our usual check in and it never comes.

Today I'm far too busy with work to go out and do much but I will take some time to write a letter to T. I'll try to do a letter every other day.

I still worry that even though I find ways to manage, because I will, it's all I've ever known how to do..... that everything will be different when we see each other. There will be a distance and uncomfort/trust on my end.... and I still fear he will forever cut me off outside contact. That is something I can't deal with, I thought when that time came it would be gradual thing he would help me get used to but this is sudden and I think he's just gonna keep it cut off from here on out. This has been a huge part of my progress in trusting him. The outside contact gives me way more room to feel bold/assertive than the office does, there is still something nerve-wracking about sitting in that room. I talk but not deep, not really too assertive. Sigh... it would be terrible to lose all that but mentally I'm preparing for it all to go south.

[Anne2.0]

I think if you could find some strategies that work on helping you stay in the present (and not worrying about the future, which can't be predicted and when anticipated often goes that way as in self fulfilling prophesy), that might help. Mindfulness strategies are helpful for me, as is meditation. It does feel good to be able to let go of worries about the future and be present for daily life (when I can do it, which is not all the time).

[DP_2017]

Anne

Yes, I know, anxiety is awful and I try hard to work on this issue. One thing I love about T is he has anxiety too and is very open about it with me, there's been many times when he has shared stories of his struggles and I was like "oh so it's NOT just me" and it's been very calming in a sense. He encourages me to write when I'm anxious and it often does tend to help, so thats why I'm hoping writing to him will help.

He also encourages me to take my dog on a walk which I do every day anyway but I try to do it more than once a day. T and I go on a walk every session, with my dog, I think next week when my session time "starts" thats what we will do, is walk... and maybe talk to myself and pretend he is there.

[Anne2.0]

My dog, who is an elderly Aussie, is my best anti anxiety strategy.

I'm glad you have things that work for you, and there is a whole world of "tools" out there that help some people with anxiety. That's how we know how pervasive anxiety is because of all the self help books and tinctures and exercises and whatever that are marketed for helping to reduce anxiety.

I have found in times of high anxiety it helps me to try to find another tool, partly because for me, the research is highly absorbing and that in and of itself reduces my anxiety.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Without too much detail... my T randomly tells me yesterday in session that he is leaving today for 2 weeks. No outside contact. (partly due to where he is going because it's one of those places T's sometimes go to cut off the world and partly due to his boss insisting that he cut off all work related stuff for 2 weeks)

I'm struggling so much with the sudden-ness. He told me he was going away but said mid august and said a week. We have had outside contact in some form every week since we met. This is a massive routine change which I struggle with and with my anxiety, I'm convinced already that he's gonna forget me and ban me from ever having outside contact again. I feel like I'm being punished.

I am very independent, always have been. I've spent a lifetime learning to cope alone, so it's not that I can't. In my own ways, I can. I've got no choice really... but he's also the most supportive person in my life and I care deeply about him. I feel like I've had yet another death in my life.

I'm very concerned that he will forget me while he is away.... only remembering me when he sees my name on the calendar in 2 weeks and silently sighs to himself. I'm concerned we wont ever have outside contact again which has been very helpful to me in building and maintaining the trust and comfort. Normally he understands my fear of something happening to him and is more than willing to check in to let me know he's ok. This time it's like he basically is saying "Well, too bad, F you and good luck" I feel so worthless.

Anyway... how to I stop these thoughts since I can't discuss them with him? How do I somehow keep the connection that already feels like it's fading?

I get that he had no choice, he was forced to go NOW by his boss, stress related and that's why she is insistant on cutting off work but knowing that all I am to him is "Work" is the worst feeling.

We didn't talk much about it because I was so blindsided. He was kind and kept me late, tried to give me as much info as possible about this trip to ease my fear of him dying, and gave me something to take for 2 weeks that is special to us, he even texted me after session something funny and a goodbye, see you in 2 weeks type thing. He told me had me last intentionally so I was the last one he saw before he left and he has me on his first day back, that's great but 2 weeks is so long. I cant help but think without our usual routine, this bond we have created, the trust, everything will just die. I can't help but think of how worthless I am to him that he can't and wont check in with me even once. I see so many people here who get that when their T's go on break and mine has always been so good to me with that, so it just feels intensly personal.

I mean I get that he needs this break, I hope it helps him, I really do, but I also can't help how shocking and painful the sudden-ness is.... if he had given me a few days notice, I could have prepared more and had things written out to say, but I just sat there, crying and in a daze....mostly saying nothing important. Now I'm filled with regret.

I just need some reassurance on my worries about things with us and some advice on how to keep the connection going, or try to. I feel like someone stabbed me in the heart.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, DP. Let me say that I'm going through the same thing with my T (not to lessen the impact this is having on you). My T will be away for the first two weeks in November and just told me yesterday that he would be gone for another weeks' vacation in August. Like your T, mine is well aware of how anxious/depressed I become when he's gone. Also being an independent person all my life, this feels like a black hole to me. We used to have out-of-session contact at my discretion, but he didn't respond to the last two texts. I only text him when I'm feeling self-destructive, so it isn't over use of the privilege.

Two weeks is a long time. If your T had given you more notice, I would have suggested you ask him if seeing someone else while he's gone would be an option...just someone to fill what's going to be an empty place in your life and therapy. (You responded to my post on this subject not long ago...)

My thoughts are that your T is not going to forget you. He may not think of you every day, but I'm a believer that Ts think of their clients more than we might expect. It's interesting that you feel he's saying, "Well, too bad, F you and good luck". Hmmm...that's what I told my T yesterday. I have another appt. before my T leaves for the week in Aug., so I have more time. Nothing you posted was new to me...I have feared and felt all of it. It hasn't gotten easier for me, but it sounds like you and your T are connected and close now. His time away isn't going to change that. Perhaps you can think that his time away from work is in your favor due to the fact that your T will be more rested and a better T for his clients. I think the suddenness of his leave is regretable, but it sounds like he had no choice.


Feel free to PM me if you need more time to talk...though I have more time before my T leaves for only a week, my appt will be painful and I'll feel he deserted me.

I'm so sorry...

[Fuzzybear]

He won’t forget you

I’m sorry this isn’t longer (I’m “Avoidant” )

I know exactly what you mean about feeling stabbed in the heart

A good therapist (or person) would NEVER do this intentionally.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

Two weeks is a long time. If your T had given you more notice, I would have suggested you ask him if seeing someone else while he's gone would be an option...just someone to fill what's going to be an empty place in your life and therapy. (You responded to my post on this subject not long ago...)

He did, both the other T's in the same building, however, I have trust issues for one and I can't imagine any use in talking to some stranger, honestly the first 3 or 4 sessions with T, I was mostly quiet or just talking nonsense about random stuff. I slowly built the trust to open up to him, I can't just walk in and do that with someone else

The other issue is, going to the same building and knowing he isn't there, could really break me. I'm not sure this is a good idea.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I know it's not quite the same situation, but I'm also always scared that when my T gets back from a vacation or similar everything will change, it won't be the same anymore and so on. In my experience, that has never happened so far. It might be a bit weird the first session, but after that it's back to normal. Also, just because you manage to survive two weeks without your T doesn't mean that he will think you can manage without any outside contact if you had loads before. I don't think that'll happen. Of course at some point it might get reduced, but just because he's not around for two weeks does not mean he thinks you suddenly need none.

To get through the two weeks, I think he idea of writing letters (or a journal, whatever works for you) is good! Finding distractions and scheduling some nice things for yourself on days where you know it might be hard (for example your usual session day) might also help. And people on here are always around to talk when things get rough!

[junkDNA]

hey dp sorry for my post. I didn't mean to imply that your therapist will stop outside contact. I actually don't think he will

I was mainly just sharing my experience. I realized it might have come across wrong

[DP_2017]

Junk, no worries...I know at some point he will..... I wasn't upset by it. I just had always hoped if that happens to me, he would do it gradually.

No doubt I'm gonna struggle, tomorrow when he doesn't check in, for the first time since last summer, Its gonna sting and I'll probably really have a hard time BUT thankfully phones save messages so my plan is to read old convos and see if that helps any.

Yes, for sure writing letters and on Tues, normal session time, my dog and I are going on a 20 min walk, like we would with him.... part of me is even debating driving to the building and going on our walk route alone.

[DP_2017]

Also not sure if I mentioned this yet but he offered me something to take with me for the time he is away, it's something from his office that makes us both laugh. He suggested taking it around places and taking pictures to show him when he's back or doing funny photos at my home with it and showing him later.... seems ridiculous but next week will be so hard for me, I may just do it. Right now, though it's hidden because it makes me too sad to look at