Afraid my therapist will suddenly change boundaries

My T. is not a typical T. with major boundaries. We have a close relationship so I might not be the best one to answer this. As we have gotten to know each other, we have had shifts in boundaries to show me she cares. My ex T. was very strict with boundaries which made everything worse. She believed loosening her boundaries would make things worse. My new T's looser boundaries made everything better and me more relaxed. I could never go back to a T. with strict boundaries due to my childhood trauma.

Thanks. Yes, I also think that way that if a client hasn´t violated any obvious boundaries there should be no boundary changes but it´s hard to know what a T thinks.


Why did your ex T change boundaries? Did he/she think it was part of her therapy orientation or such?

If I see signs of boundary changes, I´ll soon meet her after a six weeks break, and if I then notice that she perhaps is more held back or something I´ll bring it up. Sometime it can just be the T is tired but if I for example showed I wanted to give her a hug after a rough session and she declined, I would really see that as a boundary change.

Thanks. I can relate to what you say as I´ve also had a T who perhaps didn´t had very strict boundaries but she wasn´t a varm or caring person and I never felt I reached her.


With this current T I always feel warmth and caring but as we haven´t seen each other that long, for about nine months, I feel I can´t be sure if that´s part of creating an alliance or if she is like that all the way through so to speak.

This could depend on how each individual defines boundaries, but I think I understand what you mean.

I'm not sure about your case, but I think some Ts regard those with attachment issues or cptsd as borderline, and consequently treat clients as children, using boundaries one would instill with a child. I think that backfires because:

1. it fosters dependency
2. it encourages childlike regression
3. it contributes to feelings of helplessness
4. imposes the therapist's will on the client, creating an odd pseudo authority that doesn't belong in a professional relationship (and really, the client is the one hiring the therapist so the therapist should be accountable to the client, not the other way around).
5. in some ways recreates conditions of CEN for some of us who have that history
6. it directs the therapy focus too much to the therapist, where the session content is primarily about the client's feelings about the therapist rather than the feelings of the client more broadly. in other words, therapy becomes overwhelmingly about the therapist.

In a nutshell, it can be disempowering for those with certain histories. I had a therapist who extended these behaviors, and it didn't work out and actually was damaging.

Reasonable, healthy boundaries on the other hand, allow the client space, autonomy from which to grow. It's a sad state when therapists don't have the competentcy to recognize this.

My ex-t was very unethical in so many ways. I think she thought that changing boundaries on me all the time would help me become less dependent on therapy itself. It didn't help only made it far worse. I hope your t doesn't change the boundaries unless you both discuss it first and that should of been when you started with her.

Thanks. I can partly relate to what you share about a T who thinks changing boundaries will make the client less dependent on therapy. One of my T:s partly did this, mainly keeping too tight boundaries in some aspects and in other aspects she talked to me about personal stuff like I was a colleague.

I say changing boundaries will only make a client very hesitant about what the therapist wants and where his or her limits are. I think some T:s do talk about it but some, if they use it as a method not to be known by the client, they just change boundaries and see what happens.

I really hope my T isn´t the "experimenting" one but that she can stand up for things she had already done for me like offering a hug once in a while. Not that she gets cold feet and puts me in a negative situation.

It may be that certain boundaries change when the T feels the client is getting emotionally healthier, and able to accept the changes.

My ex therapist changed boundaries quite often. I never knew when somethinf would be ok or when it would not be ok. It was harmful, and I could not trust her.

changing boundaries is probably my biggest fear- that my once warm and empathic therapist will suddenly pull away from me. I have insisted that she stay the same, not change, that I need her to be the same (I know thats not realistic but the fear is very real.)

Thanks. Yes, I thought about that too, that a T thinks a client is more stable and then chooses to change boundaries. I would find it very risky though as if my T found me more stable, perhaps that would just be for that session and next I feel another way.

That happens to me often, one time I sit crying a lot and next I don´t cry at all. But I´m sure some T:s do as you describe it, and sometimes they´re right about the client is actually more stable but in many cases I think it turns into the client feeling dismissed or similar.

Thanks. I think exactly as you, that she when I come to session suddenly won´t be that "friendly" or warm anymore.


Do you mean you actually has asked your T to stay the same or if it´s more of a wish you have?


I think to a certain extent it's realistic to expect a T to be the same when it comes to how he or she meets with clients. Of course a T can have a bad day, not feeling allright but it´s another thing if a T for example give hugs once in a while and then suddenly denies a client all physical contact.


I think a T needs to know his or her boundaries from the beginning and not being hesitant about them after seeing a client for some weeks or months. I think that´s what often happens when clients experience their T:s making substantial changes in session.