Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

seeing you was nice but also kinda triggering. I felt that lightening bolt shoot thru my body when you waved at me! it also made me feel homesick

I miss my old house and my old routines

everything is so different and new now. there's been big changes going on. I don't have time to myself anymore. I feel like I don't know who I am

I Like For You To Be Still – Pablo Neruda

I get the lightning bolt too! What a great way to describe it. I sometimes call it an electric shock, T looks a bit puzzled when I talk about it. I usually feel it when I think about a hug we had, or when we connect in session.

I have a question, but I honestly feel I cant email u again. I feel like such a nuisance but I really want to ask you before session. Would you be mad?

New T... Why are you not replying to my email?!

Man, I'm sorry. I can't believe she said that.

I love you so much, I think my heart would break.

I really don't know how I'd live without you.

You said you felt sad that your health affects me so negatively. And I felt sad because you were sad.

I feel sad for both of us. This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to get better.

I miss you.

Asking me to hope and to trust is really easy when you're not the one who'd end up having to pick up the pieces again. Being cautious and protecting myself like this is the only reason I've survived as long as I have. Every time I've been let down before I had the consolation that at least I'd never given them everything. It's the thing that's kept me safe, and you're asking me to give it up.

Isn't being realistic and keeping a contingency plan the prudent thing here? Don't you want to know that even if you screw up (again) I'll be okay in the end?

There it is... the incomprehensible sadness.

Miss you...

The fact that you are making time to visit me tomorrow on THE day really helps. Thank you. And i'll probably get another hug

T,
I went driving south this afternoon and it temporarily got me out of the negative state. I'm still afraid, but right now it isn't overwhelming me. I want to see you twice a week until you leave, because I am afraid that I am going to need all the help I can get. I hope you are okay with that. And I want to figure out what I can do when you go on vacation.

So glad to reconnect. I don't even remember why we were fighting. Then again I'm consistently inconsistent about some things (many things), probably our relationship too.

T, I decided to allow myself to start eating! I can't wait to tell you! I realised I don't want to die, not like this, not right now. I'm so scared but i think I can do it with your support. Thank you for being you.

Still waiting to hear from you, don't know that I will ever be brave enough to reach out. I know that if this were physical, I would have reached out a long time ago.

Hi T,

Are you back yet? Can you show up at my doorstep and tell me that it's gonna be okay? Not that I'd believe you, but I love to hear you talking...

Hi T how's it going? Miss you. Tried to write you a poem but it's not happening.

Hi new T.. I guess unlike my old T, you don’t check your emails at weekends.. even though you work Saturday mornings.. so maybe that’s why you haven’t replied

That's not unusual.

Feels unusual when old T of 10 years always did.

That might be a good thing to ask about, so you know for the future. T could also just be out of town for weekend or something. Mine checks and has replied on weekends, which I really appreciate. (Ex-T usually only did e-mail during office hours, though she did check/reply to urgent texts on weekends.)

In our last session you asked why I kept coming if I didn't trust you?

It's so I can keep seeing you. A part of me is in love with you. Have you figured that out yet?

"We're not lovers, we're just strangers with the same damn hunger to touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all."

It's called "attachment", T.