Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Thank you for the response!

What are you doing? Dad stuff? Wearing slippers and drinking tea?

The cops showed up at my house to take me tonfhen hospital . What’s itntoinwahonxalpss. Them? I don’t knowwho wlsencouldnjabe called nobosy knew

I hope you watch the video and laugh. Or I hope you don't watch the video. But I definitely don't want you to watch the video and think I'm weird.

Also now that all of the feelings are hitting me, can I come back and try again today?

Our chat today made me sad, thinking of you. Have a nice weekend, see you Tuesday

Dear Piaf,

I wanted to yell this at you in session, but I wanted to yell it while also throwing my glass of water against the wall, too, and that’s like a 9 on your anger scale, so I didn’t.

You only have to deal with the frustration and exhaustion and difficulty of my hearing for an hour a week. I have to deal with that same frustration and exhaustion and difficulty every moment spent in the company of another human being. So I’m sorry, but I’m not sympathetic to how you feel about it. That was a really hurtful, insensitive, and self-absorbed comment.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry that later you asked me about your comments, “was that rude?”

ATAT

Hey L. I really want to paint what I saw while you were drumming for me yesterday. I even found a web site with step by step pictures/instructions on how to paint them. I think I'm going to look for a beginners oil painting kit or something. I can see in my mind what I want to paint the picture as the background and then the words over the picture "I am woman centered, I am love, I am." I want to paint it and frame it and hang it in my office at home. I am working on writing an essay of sorts on what being woman centered means to me; I assigned myself that homework before next week. I'd never heard that phrase before yesterday so it's a new one to me. My challenge is to hold onto the joy I felt yesterday when I said those words in your office, when I explained to you exactly how I feel, that was pretty awesome I gotta say while you were drumming. It was mostly beyond words just... yeah. You understood. You totally got it. You offered to do more with it in the future perhaps a guided meditation which yes I would very much like to do. I am going to squeeze every last bit I can out of this time until mid-October.

Dear T,
I got my haircut today for the first time in a long time! I didn't freak out. OK, maybe partly because I had some beer first (and because I avoided the shampoo part), but then last time I also had some beer first and still freaked out. And she took off much more than I'd expected but because my hair was in such bad shape. So, be nice to me when you see me Monday, try not to laugh!
--LT

I'm dreading tomorrow. I'm so embarrassed that I sent you that poem, but, dammit, I do love you.

Dear Piaf,

You know, if you’d said it was frustrating to be my therapist without any reference to hearing because I’m skeptical or cynical or argumentative etc., that I would have accepted as fair, even if I didn’t like hearing it.

This isn’t fair or acceptable.

ATAT

I am completely and totally at the end of my rope. I can't deal with this anymore. And yet, there is nothing I can do. I am paralyzed.

My life is good, why do I hurt so much? Why do I hurt even when I strive every day to be genuinely grateful for the good in my life?

All you ever did was hurt me too.

It's 7.45am and I'm crying just because of the thought of you.

Child parts deserve better.

I love you my Teeeeeee

Were you worried about me last night? Did you think I was okay? I thought I was okay until I wasn't.

I laughed reading this, bc my T is the worst apologizer of any person in my life, and I feel free and good to apologize if I see I was wrong. T is apology-impaired.

My T over-apologises sometimes. Sometimes he apologises for things he hasn't said yet.

Ex-MC was a terrible apologizer, too.

This is sad. I wonder if your T is the worst apologizer because, in their heart, they are really not sorry? [I find more people are heart-less these days]

I think in the case of ex-MC, he didn't think he had done anything wrong. It was a certain level of arrogance that only really came out when he was challenged on something or like when I claimed he'd hurt me.

True story. It's why I prefer dogs... and being alone

Dear Piaf,

(Sorry, guys, I get the feeling that there will be a lot of Dear Piaf posts for a bit.)

You know, it doesn’t matter that you said that as a therapist. It wouldn’t matter if you’d said it as you. What matters is anyone said it all.

Because the only person who’s come close to saying something like that is my abusive ex-husband.



I’m going to a writers’ workshop in a bit and I don’t know how I can say anything or talk to anyone because apparently my hearing makes it so exhausting for other people to interact with me.

ATAT

I supected that Madame T was not sorry. Even when she did apologise it was most unconvincing.

I should have taken the sheet with me. I could curl up under it right now. In my blue mountain cocoon.