Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

I want my mother. I want my mother.I want my mother.

Dear t,

I'm doing something I think I shouldn't be but I won't stop myself. Please tell me I'm being stupid, maybe I'll listen to you but I won't listen to myself.

-Butterfly

Dear T,
Safe travels home.
Love,
LT

I dreamed about you again last night. And I woke up feeling lonely for you. Stupid heart.

One of these days I will get up the nerve to ask you if you have ever had a dream about me...

Hope you have a safe and wonderful trip this coming week!! See you on the 30th.

I actually did try to understand what was supposed to happen even though I never did.

I don't think I can feel the same way about him. This break did nothing but teach me that he won't be there when I really need him. My mind is lost but we carry on. If I'm a "special case" why didn't he take better of me? He offered email contact but didn't really mean it as he was inconsistent with it. It would have been better if he hadn't offered that at all, i wouldn't have sat and waited. but maybe it's just me, like it's always been. I ruin things.

Well, I was a coward. I didn't tell you anything. Not a single damn thing on my list of *very* important things I needed to tell you.

I wasted an hour of your time.

I'm sorry.

Most patients have some kind of abandonment issue, I'm sure. I think Ts should be more proactive about this, because naturally the pain strikes when they are not there to help process it.

Dear Piaf,

What you said still hurts. Just now I can’t sleep thinking about it.

ATAT

OK,

I will share the essay I wrote in your absence, but I am not sure how. Not sure whether to email, or just hand it to you at the start of session. Either way, I guess I will have to brace for your response...and I think you will respond, rather than react, so that's something.


I could do with something more definite than 'in the next few weeks'...but you know that.

I’m seeing you today. And I’m so not bothered. I’m actually tempted to ghost you.

I love you so ****ing much it hurts my chest when I think about you.

Dear T,
Could I maybe get the object from you today instead of Friday? I have this weird feeling that Friday will be canceled for some reason, then I'd be going into vacation without it. Plus, if we do actually have session, then I won't have to be spending time doing that. I feel like maybe if I promise to put it in my suitcase and not touch it till vacation time? Which seems so ridiculous, typing it out...

Because here's the thing--I didn't have anything over the last 5 days when you were out of town (yeah, I know, it was only 5 days, but the thought of you being out of town made it seem longer, like you were emotionally far away as well as physically). So what did I do? I looked at one of your photos online (a public one, nothing sneaky). Not just looked at it, like gazed at it. Maybe...maybe I even sort of stroked your hair on the screen like I do sometimes if I see a picture of a puppy or kitten. (God that sounds pathetic!) I have a feeling that would weird/creep you out much more than if I held a stone from your office...right? But my point is, the attachment is there, and it's going to find some way to manifest itself. Your not giving me something--or waiting 4 more days to do so--won't make it go away. Maybe I need to say that today...except without the stroking-your-hair-on-a-photo-on-my-computer part.
Love,
LT

As a member of the attachment club- the photo of him on the computer makes sense to me.

Thanks, Lemon, helps that you understand. We need a PC Attachment Club!

I don't want to come today.
I have nothing to talk about.
I hope you've enjoyed your break from me.

In my fantasy I'm calling you. I wonder if you would even pick up.

I'm going to seeeeeee you 43 hours teeee

I woke this morning and thought of a question you have asked me periodically: What would I choose if I weren't afraid? I realized that's the wrong question. No, not wrong, just not the whole question.

The whole question is: What would I choose if I choose wholly from love, from balance, from my joyful life?

Edit: He replied and I'm happy again.

I'm sorry it's so painful, lemon. I really don't think our t's realize sometimes just how much their absences can hurt.

L, goldangit I miss you already knowing I won't see you Thursday. I'll be fine of course I just hate that I'm getting all attached again.

Thank you for your kind words Artie.

I've never been the most rational person, but my mood swings are more insane at the moment- which make my posts sound more deranged.

How many hours NOW?!

41.5

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