Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Sorry you're dealing with this. The "content" vs. "process" sounds so much like my ex-MC that, if you weren't seeing a female T in a different location, I'd wonder... (Incidentally, when I've mentioned his content vs. process stuff to current T, T was rather puzzled as to the difference in some cases. And they both have PhDs.)

Dear T,
Is this what grieving, true grieving feels like? I think I've tended to kind of avoid it before. I wish you could talk me through it. Maybe our conversation today sort of unleashed it? I'll try to push through it on my own and maybe journal what I'm feeling? Then we can discuss it in session on Monday.

Love,
LT

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hope you cope well while I’m gone next week

I'm reading this book about a woman who goes to therapy (and is also a lesbian). It's like it was written for me. It makes me think of you. I wonder what goes on in your head sometimes. What do you think about when I talk to you?

If you don't mind me asking, what's the name of the book?

Ugh, T. It felt incredibly ironic that you cancelled the session this week. After last session where we spent quite a bit of time on reflecting how a possible inpatient stay would impact our dynamics. And you kept wondering whether I would 'use' being inpatient in order to keep you distant and at bay afterwards. Sorry, this is weird. You are creating some distance here by cancelling sessions.

And you better be prepared for the holy wrath of cinnamon_roll next week. For leaving me hanging in mid-air (yes, my rational side knows you were ill....). This is new. Actually feeling the anger, and the rage about the abandonment. Which means you are safe enough. Last T wasn't. Never got to the anger even though she did everything to provoke it. So, even though this feels strange and scary I have enough trust that we can deal with this. Hopefully. Just don't cancel next session as well, or else...

How am I supposed to talk to you about all of this?

It's really hard to believe that you actually do care if you bill for EVERYTHING.
Replacement-T said yesterday that the two of you had talked to each other for maybe 2 minutes before you left... So why do you both get to bill 10minutes for it? Why does pdoc get to bill 15minutes to write a stupid prescription? Why do you get to bill for reading E-Mails that pdoc CC'ed you on (not mails I CC'ed you on).

Also, X has allowed me to call her in crisis, even if it's in the evening or on a weekend... And no, I don't think she'd bill for it...

This just sucks...
I want to quit. You're leaving me alone with all this crap, and you even get to earn some extra money with it

I'm not going to send my essay via email, because I don't want to deal with your reaction via email...but I'm wondering whether you will even understand.

I'm surprised that neither you nor your colleague have checked in with me. And actually, I'm hurt.

I don't want to be angry with you, but the longer this goes on, the less likely I am to be able to look you in the eye when you return. If you return...

Dear R,

It would have been easier on me if you had said I couldn't contact you at all instead of pretending to be here for me when you're clearly not.I don't think you really know what it's like to wait around for an email.

I don't want anymore therapy- all you ever did was hurt me too.

S

Damn, ridiculous that both of them billed for a 10 min talk despite talking only 2 minutes. Gawd, and just writing a prescription in a hurry = 15 minutes though you never got the full 15? Also wtf, pdoc cc'ed T yet YOU get billed?

They're so damn stingy with their time. You deserve a more flexible treatment team.

Miss you. I'm bored and I miss you.

Dear T,
Feeling rather warm and fuzzy about you this morning. And I'm wondering if some of my tears last night were also about feeling like I can trust you and that scaring me? Because if I'm working on saying goodbye to ex-MC, letting go of him as a safety net, then I just have...you. (And, yes, the other people in my life, of course.) And maybe I sort of need that trust in you to fully let go of him? Or at least to make it easier. Might need to journal about this some. (And hey, I managed not to send that email to you last night--more progress!)
Love,
LT

I’m a terrible person T. I saw your email about me not emailing you. I haven’t replied cuz I took 17 of my pills and so therm what would I say to you

Can I just email you for the sake of it? I've got nothing to say to you. I just like you.

I wonder if it's "Other Women" by Lisa Alther. I read it more than once, if I'm honest enough to admit this, many times, in my 30's. It was one of my comfort books that I read over and over, when I had insomnia or any other head whirly anxiety. It's also really well written. I like the other books I've read of hers, especially Kinflicks.

More info and it looks like you can get it used for $3.

Other Women: Lisa Alther: 9780452276789: Amazon.com: Books

Dear T:

So pleased with the progress I've made in one of my projects, even if I could have spent some of that time on others ones. My sense of flying and fleeting time is slower this week.

I'm reading that right now, but not too far into it yet. I'd wondered if it was that or something else... I'm glad you found it a comfort.

Dear new(ish) T. Sorry I was a mess today constantly changing topic and going off tangent. The thunder and lightening and heavy rain outside didn’t help the heavy mood. I was just quickly emptying my mind and you got that poop on to you. Thank you for listening and trying with me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. Me and my emails... I just wanted you to know how good I feel after yesterday..... I totally don't need a response (for once haha)

So, I thought that after last session, that I wouldn't come up with something to make me afraid you're leaving or terminating me or kicking me out. And then I did. It doesn't work in my awareness, it's like IT says, HEY! This negative thing might be the thing that makes him terminate you/leave you. So, it centers around my abandonment fears.


Your cruise wouldn't scare me as much if I didn't have to work. But I do have to work. I am just afraid of what might happen.

I don't trust you to be there for me.

No.

It's just not okay.

I was surprised to see you in my store

your shirt was funny

it was good to see you

hope I wasn't too awkward