Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Dear T,
I can't do this. I can't. I need to quit. I can't take all of this it is too painful. My existence is painful.

I hope you're enjoying your tour of Europe, T.

I'm secretly glad I can see if you've read my messages to you, though it doesn't show when you read them.

I've internalised you a teeny tiny bit, it seems. Love you and am grateful for your role in my life.

I'm fine. I don't need you. I hate you.

(Just kidding. I love you and I'm looking forward to seeing you. Because I'm not doing well and I need you)

24 hours and 15 minutes
Do you remember me??
It's been 3 weeks

Dear T:

I've noticed your tendency to say "I'm sure I've told you this story . . . ." or "I'm sure you've heard all my stories by now . . . " and then you go on to tell me something I haven't heard before. What's that about? Do you think we've done this so long that you have nothing left to say to me, or nothing that's useful?

I'm not falling into that trap by thinking you want me to leave, because it's your job to say so directly and not hint subtly at it. It's about you and not about me. Even in the discussion we had last week about "what's left," I made it clear that I see regular therapy as ongoing self care needed in the brutal vicarious traumatization of my work, and I know you got that.

So prepare for the question, because it's irritating me and despite that fact that dealing with irritations has some positives and I do think there is deeper meaning in this, it feels like something asserted in my therapy I don't necessarily want there. And I don't believe you say things repeatedly in a casual way without considering whether you should say it, so it means something. Or so I think, and I once again may turn out to be wrong.

I don't want to see my mother's side of the family today. Especially given that we have been doing trauma work and that's all stirred up. I wish I could talk to you about it before I go.

Dear T,
You're awesome--thanks for the encouraging response. Talk to you Wednesday.
Love,
LT

Thank you for fitting me in for a make-up session next Tuesday after the holiday.
See you later today.

I wish you would respond to me before something happens that I can't take back. It's getting very close to that point now...

Please try to stay safe Anna.

We're here if you want to talk.

I don't understand why you won't and haven't given up on me

I feel like I've pushed you as intensely as possible and yet you're still there, always, waiting for it to pass again

I thought our relationship had ended. like I truly believed that and even started to grieve

but now I've realized that it was all fabricated in my own mind... again

You may be responding to my obsessive nature and thsts why you arent answering my emails. You shouldn't have opened this can of worms.

Hey t I'm so looking forward to Thursday. Probably too much.

I've never felt this sick before. I don't want the session tomorrow.

Stupid feelings of the

The purpose of music has changed...listening to drown stuff out now.

I'm just going to think about the good things that happened today, and shove the hurt part of me back down where she belongs. I shouldn't have made myself so vulnerable and I will not do it again.

Dear T,
Made it to vacation spot safely and mostly having fun so far. I did hold Stone 2.0 during the tough part, and it helped. This is so cheesy, but it’s like I felt this energy coming from it that helped me feel stronger, like I could feel your support. Thanks for letting me borrow it.
Love,
LT

I made it through this, and it feels like a new start. I think I've got this.

Why isn't there an erase from your memory button right by the door on the way out? You need to install it, and make sure it is just like the easy button.

Also, why can't you understand that it's not me.

My meeting this afternoon ran way late, so I didn't have time to call to cancel our appointment. So adult Daisy will win out.

I'm very angry you haven't responded to my email.

Hey T. I miss art-T, and I think maybe this is silly? I wonder if I will be able to talk to you about it.

is this 2am thing really going to work out?