Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Dear Mr.S

I don't even want to see you anymore. Why don't you go away for another month and have another wonderful Disney holiday? I'm tired of playing these stupid games your not my father and you never will be. I want out. I don't love you and I don't need you. I'm going to get mad and blow up in your face because I can.You care about my money not me. I'm so much better off without you bleeding me dry financially.

S

Dear t,
It's been a while since I had this gritting-my-teeth-till-next-session feeling.

The conversation I had with my kids' dad has left me reeling a bit. I can't find a place for it, even after taking some time to think about it. Even broaching a little of it with my girlfriends left them a little taken aback, not knowing what to think.

You saw how distorted things got, including my own distorted responses to his distorted thinking, and you know all the things that happened. I need a place to ask: What the hell was that? Is this normal? Do I need to get out, hold the line, what?

I know you won't tell me what to do, but I desperately need a perspective from outside my own head.

I watch programmes with David Mitchell in a lot because he reminds me of a younger version of you.

Dear T,
Thank you for helping me with this situation. I know I am completely decimated about the thing at work. And I think you might be tired of me talking about it ad nauseum. I am tired of thinking about it. The things at home are going much better and getting sorted out. Thank you for helping me with that, also. Thank you for seeing me more than once a week. Talking to you and the fact that I can count on you through all of this -- well, I am really appreciative. I have faith that I *might* get past this. Before, I thought that I would *never* get through it.

Dear Piaf,

You were really pretty good about the hearing otherwise up till your destructive comments on it. Why did that have to be the thing you turned on me for?

ATAT

Dear R,

My morning anxiety attacks have been here for the past three days, I wake up and my heart is plunged into a pure panic that I can't describe.Am I too far gone to be saved?

I dreamt of you making a video in your home with your daughter and posting it online, but haven't gone running to check your or your wife's facebook profiles. I'm jealous of a 4 year old. What does that say about me? I just want you to love me too.

I want my mother.

The girl I messaged yesterday who stopped talking to me said that she would message me when she got back home- she didn't. Actions speak louder than words.

You're 100% right about creepy guy, but I still hang out with him because I don't have anyone else: "I thought you and me were tight, why don't you go out with me or we can just get right down to the f***ing".

I miss you

I love you, but I'm not going to email you just to tell you that.

Maybe we could have an extra session next week? We could do our usual Thursday as well as the Monday. I have a hospital appointment (pulmonologist) on Tuesday that I will probably want to talk to you about, but (according to our schedule as it is now) I won't see you for another nine days...

I don't know if I'll be brave enough to suggest that.

87.91%... see you soon... ish.

Hope you're doing okay. I miss you.

Dear T,
I wish you would push me a little harder to open up. I don't feel like we're connecting. I don't feel like you've really gotten to know me, and I don't know if you've even noticed. Maybe you're going soft on me because my last T told you I was 'fragile'. But I'm not that fragile. Why don't we ever talk about my trauma? Are you waiting for me to bring it up? I want to know what you're thinking.

Luc you need as much support as you need, maybe it would be easier to ask by email or text?

I am tired of being me. I need to be somebody else because me being me isn't working. I'm sick of being under all of this pressure. I can't take it anymore, but I have no choice. I despise all of this and the fact that there's nothing I can do about it. Something is wrong with me.

Thank you, Cake

It might be easier to ask by email or text but I don't think I can do that. I already had to email him about scheduling and I don't want to do it again... I'm just hoping I'll be able to bring it up on Monday.

Dear Piaf,

Verbal abusers are scum.

And you got reaallly close to that.

ATAT

Respond to my email.

Why did you tell me you had this big thing to discuss then tell me its only a theory which I agree is exactly what it is. Then expect me to act as if its truth. I am very irritated thst you even mentioned it. Now youre mad at the fact I cant act as if its truth and wont respond to my email.

Dear T,
I'm tired of being me. I'm tired of doing things to push everybody away. I don't do it on purpose but I always end up in this situation that I absolutely dread. And then I feel so alone because I have to deal with the situation anyway. I wish I could just fade away to nothing. I'm clearly not normal. I feel like such an all around loser.

I still am reflecting on that last session, probably one of the best ever. I can't believe I shared something so personal with you AND you still hugged me anyway. It's a very weird feeling that you treated me normal after hearing it.

Also, what progress I did with the phobia! I am actually proud of myself. Thank you for being along side of me in this journey. It's scary but you help by the jokes and laughing.

I'm so terrified of talking to you about the homework you gave me. I've done it but sharing it with you and getting into THAT topic next time, is already giving me anxiety. Hopefully I can be brave about it though because it's a chat we really need to have.

I need you. Not on Friday. I need you now.

I am convinced that those who make others suffer have lived a life of luxury. For if they knew half the pain they caused, they would have stopped torturing long ago.

I just wanna hug you when I see u, can I?! No I don't think so...

I can't sleep.

I really just need to know you're there. You come back tomorrow, I can give you another two days can't I?

I told my emergency contact girl who I've been texting multiple times instead, that I had bpd and she still she wanted to be my friend and support me and to not worry about burning her out. That I wasn't a burden- and one of the nicest people she had met even if I couldn't see that myself. Reading that made me cry.