Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

I sent an email saying I didn't want tomorrow's session, I hope you ignore it and call me anyway.

My brain's up. It's 5.15 am so 6 hours 23 mins till session.

See you today
I'm hungover lol

Will I ever be brave? You sometimes tell me I'm brave but I'm not. You don't know how much I am holding back from you, because I am a coward.
I am not brave.

You are what you are.
Not what I would have designed.
Not what I would have chosen.
What blind fate has dumped in my lap.

Am I good enough?

I trust you more than anyone. Most of the time I feel like you understand me. I know you won’t judge.

Why is it that hard to tell you that I’m not doing well?

Hope your sessions went well, Cake and Capt

I feel like the only reason you wouldn't accept my gift is because you don't want it. I can't think of an ethical reason for you not to accept it. Ouch.

I was right to worry that you would think I was trying to worm my way into your life somehow. That is what you think. I am such an idiot.

Thank you Luc, I do feel better after talking to him.

Luc, you're not an idiot for wanting to make and give something nice to T. I'm sorry he didn't accept it.

I'm very glad to hear that!

Technically he said that no client had ever tried to give him something they'd made before and so he wasn't sure whether he'd accept it or not, then he talked about boundaries a bit as if he was talking to a fellow therapist instead of a rejected child which is what I was in that moment, then I said he could have some time to think about it. I don't think he will accept it now, but even if he does I don't want to give it to him anymore anyway. So that's that.

At least he didn't see it, so he doesn't know that I put hours and hours and hours of love into it

Dear t,

I'm just about ready to fire you and find somebody else.

-Butterfly

So you hate me... Well... Okay
P.S. It's not okay, please love me
I love you

'I want a little bit of everything
The biscuits and the beans
Whatever helps me to forget about
These things that brought me to my knees...'

Two years ago today, my façade fell apart. Funny how particular moments just linger. Hoping to hear from you sooner rather than later.

I let you off. I don't know exactly why I did not go in for the kill, but I didn't. I could have crushed you on this and I would have been justified and fully within my rights to do so.
I really need to become more ruthless.

Unless he has a complete blanket rule-I wonder why the difference in distinction between not accepting something hand made and but something store bought is okay.I'm surprised he didn't see what it even was.

I didn't want him to see it before I'd ascertained whether he was gonna accept it or not. That would have been too painful, if he'd seen it and rejected it.

That distinction hurts though. That he thinks it's not okay to accept something I've put my love into... but any old thing I'd bought from a shop would be fine? I just really feel like he doesn't want me in his life like that. Fair enough I suppose.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now and I know much effort you put into that cross stitch. I hope you're able to discuss this further with him .

Tomorrow thank GOD. since when did 7 days feel like 100?

I think it was cute that you said to write you essays and to tell you how I really feel in my emails. And yes I'm still surprised you didn't flip out or get angry at me when I completely covered my head with a blanket in frustration to stop you looking at me.

15 hours

I'm so sorry, luco. I would think something handmade would be preferable to something bought not the other way around.

Madame T never rejected anything I made for her.

Decency is not weakness.