Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

I don't want to share.

T,

Fighting the urge to send a sarcastic, snarky email to you. Also fighting the urge to sh.. loosing strength as the night goes on.

Me

If I'm not hurting myself in some way then I don't deserve help. If I get better you're going to stop caring and leave and use that hour to help someone who actually needs and deserves it.

I walked out of your office determined to change. But now it's been a week and I am back in that mindset of "I have to get worse before I can get better."

I promised you I would try. I didn't. I'm sorry.

I miss you.

Part of the chapter that I didn't tell you about was that the fox tells the little prince that you're responsible forever for what you have tamed. I'm not sure I agree with the fox that it's worth it being tamed and then abandoned.

P.S. I made and ate a sandwich when I got home after our session. I'm trying. (kind of)

((LabRat))

Do you think parents love their children any less when they grow up?

He doesn't love me in that way though... It's more like most other parents in the animal kingdom who care for their young when they're young and helpless but then don't stick around or have any attachment once their offspring are adults.

You are responsible for my demise.

T, that is such a dark and awful place in there. I don't want to go there with all my being. I think you think it is real. I believe it is not.
I am terrified that it is.

I think I have figured out what might have been happening with the arm wrestling discussion. Still not sure how we can start to reach depth sooner than the last 10 minutes. It's frustrating.

=

The bottom line is this. No one cares about me. There are only selfish, self-serving animals in my town. No one will help me......what are my choices in this scenario?

Dear T,

I dreamed about you last night. Nothing erotic, it was a good one. But then you turned into my former Math teacher and it wasn't as good anymore.

In a parallel universe, you're not sick, and we're still fighting all the time.

One option is to move to a new town.

Miiiiiss you

Omgosh I just read the letter I wrote you after last week's session that I plan to give you later today. Man was I in a deep place when I wrote it. It doesn't even feel like me anymore.

Thank you so much for the phone call yesterday afternoon. Even if I did cry all the way through it, and off and on for the next several hours, and this morning. You're one of the most special people in the whole world and I'm going to miss seeing you and talking with you and growing with you. Thank you for still letting me email, and even call "down the road". You're the best.

F***, you're so lovely.

Back on the transference rollercoaster eh?

Why do you have to be so limited about contact or added sessions. So many others do it. I guess my needs don't really matter. Stupid session Tuesday has triggered old fears and feelings in me and now I'm freaking out and a bit angry even. We best be forgetting this crap and moving on. I'm not wanting to make a mess of things again. Sorry I opened my big mouth, I really hope you don't forget to check in tomorrow.

Dear T,

About that friend I told you about last session, well we are dating now. We went on two dates. I can't believe I have a girlfriend. I hope you are happy for me.

-Butterfly

I hope you are ready for me today.

See you in an hour.... Eek

Please please please don't hate me after I give you the letter tomorrow. Don't reject me. Don't confirm my worst fears about how pathetic and disgusting I am. Please look at me the way you always do. I don't think I could bear it if I saw horror or revulsion in your eyes.

Maybe the letter is a bad idea. Things are fine the way that they are. We just don't talk about the transference.
You brought it up last week though. You know, at least to some extent, and the way you continued pressing the subject when I tried to avoid it makes me think you know that it's a bigger deal than I've been letting on. And if you brought it up maybe that means you're okay with talking about it?

I'm just worried that once you know you'll "take away" your kindness and act cold and indifferent as a "boundary" thing. I couldn't handle that.

Thank you for being ready for me and bringing your A-game again today. I'm glad I told you that I was aware of the fact that you brought it last week, too and how it could have been a mess if you hadn't, the deeply vulnerable place I was in last week. That I somehow fell right back into this evening. Ugh. I do love your big furry pillow btw. It was really comforting to hug it while I was feeling like I was 2 years old. And it was satisfying to hurl it aside as well (also like a 2 year old) when I got frustrated at myself. Heh. You noticed that, didn't you. You notice everything. ****, you REMEMBER everything. How did you ever remember that dream about the plants growing in the dark closet?! Yes it was perfect to bring it up during what we were talking about. Totally perfect. I had forgotten about it but you remembered. How the heck do you do that?!


I am glad that time seemed to stand still for a little while during my session this evening, yeah it happened while you were drumming, because "I" was not in the room there for however long you drummed, I have no idea, your rhythm was SPOT on and I was in the mood to journey anyway and I was gone almost as soon as you started.... no concept at all of how long you might have drummed the first time... I haven't had such a deep journey in a long time. Thank you for that. Your technique has improved big-time since the last time you drummed for me. Not that it was ever bad, I don't mean that, but it's just gotten more in tune with what I journey best to.


I'm heading outside now to light a candle like Alia suggested in my journey. Sweet dreams, my dear t.