Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

"In terms of personality, several studies have demonstrated the role of low-stress control (specifically high-trait anxiety) on aggressiveness under benzodiazepines. Other authors underline the role of borderline personality disorder as a major risk factor predicting paradoxical reactions. Results of a study on borderline patients show a prevalence of benzodiazepine-linked disinhibition of 58%."

I am in complete agony. This is torturous. I don't know how to begin to deal with this. I hate who I am and I think you do, too. I guess I deserve this. I deserve this. I ruin everything. There is nothing left here. I despise myself for being me. Now you are finally agreeing with me. THere is no hope left. Feel free to just completely ignore me.

Dear R,

I keep checking my inbox expecting an email from you, even though I know I never sent you one this week. I feel like you're trying to build your walls up, but I've stopped trying to climb over them.

Hey. I'm a little slow on the uptake but... Yeah. Um, staying in those feelings the other day in your office? That was showing me that I can now. So I did last night when I wanted to email you. I sat there in my feelings, with my feelings, and it was ok. I didn't email. It sounds stupid to say this but oh well, yes, it was a bit of a breakthrough.

Just aching for you tonight. Miss you a lot.

I can't live without you. Please don't make me...

I don't want to see you. I just realized something which sounds stupid but that psychology teacher I used to talk to was actually also 10 years older than me. The same age as you. I feel like I want to contact her- I still have her old email address and I've found her on facebook. All I a wanted was her to care too.

.........

I have a terrible feeling of dread.

Great, thanks for replying to the time and completely ignoring my other email (which was the one you replied to, so obviously it got to you). That makes me feel so much better, thanks. I almost don't want to show up Tuesday. But I will. Because stupid attachment.

LT

Why in the world did you wait until now to use this approach? It would have made all the difference...I feel I'll never make up for that time but will focus on moving forward. I hope it's not too late.

Dear T,
I know I'm being s****y with you, but please don't terminate. I'm hurting right now and hope you understand.
LT

Dear T,
I don't feel like you care right now. .
LT

It's nearly Tuesday! Less than 48 hours until I see you again, wahoo! Hope you have a good Labor Day

I love you so, so much. You're amazing, beautiful, perfect.
You'll always, always be a light in my heart.

I don't see how someone with several addictions going on thinks they have the answers to running my life. They need to get their own act together before looking elsewhere.

I feel like there is a huge amount of pain inside me and it wants to get out, but I don’t have the words for it.



but I won’t, because I haven’t done that for nearly a year now.

Are you an important person in my life? How could you not know you are an important person, most therapist are important people in their clients life. Mostly i want to possess you, own you, consume you, i dont know why i feel this way, will you just stare at me blankly if i tell you? Dont the thing with the shirt i think it shows that you are uncomfortable with my sexual feelings for you, but they arent that strong anymore

I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.

Don't you get it? I can't have one without the other. That's why I'm always holding back a tiny little piece of me. It's like a trust fall and I won't tip over far enough that I can't catch myself if you decide you don't want to be there anymore.
You should be relieved. It means that if/when you decide to get rid of me again you won't have to feel guilty, because I can handle it on my own. Not in a way you'd approve of, of course. But then again it would no longer be your right to say anything about it, now would it?

Sometimes I think that the very fact that you want me to trust you means you don't take what happened in May seriously enough. You already know you can't promise you won't leave again. If you really understood how much May hurt and how much worse it would be a second time, would you be able to abandon me like that again with a clear conscience?
Actually I don't think I want the answer to that question.

You don't get it both ways. If you want to be able to leave guilt-free at any time without warning then you don't get to ask me for that kind of vulnerability.

How could anyone do this to me?

The part of me that always thinks I'm going to die really thinks I'm going to die on Thursday morning so I'll never see you again.

That would suck.

Dear T:

I'm starting to see myself as less of a freak, and an outsider. Still an outsider in the sense of seeing and doing things differently than many people do. Not surprising given my occupation and the values that go along with it. But now I am kind of grooving on my freakishness and maybe even like this in myself. Or at least accept it. No more am I going to apologize or degrade myself because of it.

Feeling ashamed about wanting anything from you. It’s making me not want to show up on Wednesday just to prove that you don’t matter. I’m getting really tired of this struggle.

Dear T,
On first read of your email, all I could think is that session tomorrow will be like being sent to the principal's office. I know I screwed up, and having you (a male authority figure) tell me how my emails affected you--that's my idea of a complete nightmare. Like I was tempted to cancel. But then a friend helped me see the caring and reassurance throughout the email, particularly at the end, and now I feel better about things. I hope I can explain my flurry of emotions over the weekend, and you'll understand what was behind all that. I just want you to understand. And forgive me. And accept me.

Love,
LT

LT I'm sorry for butting in, but you haven't done anything that needs to be forgiven.