Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

You’re probably the best therapist I’ve had. But I’m so attracted to you it sometimes hurts. I have no idea what to do. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I feel that who I am is never going to be enough. I am not a fan of myself.

Probable new T - are you exactly the same age as me???!!!???!!!

Feeling like I've been eviscerated tonight...no particular reason.

This is the weirdest grieving process I've ever been through - it feels absolutely frigging endless.

I want to lie on your chest and go to sleep.

Dear New T--even though you asked to see my SH last night, I still feel like it was a good session. I feel like you got to know me a little bit, and I got to know you a little bit. And I think we might be able to work together. You seem to really be pushing that I need a new job though--which may or may not be the immediate case--and I may need you to back off of that for a bit because I'm not good with lots of changes at one time. You said I have lots of coping skills. The T I tried earlier this Summer said I didn't seem to have any coping skills. I haven't changed in that short of a time period, so what a difference the T makes. Besides my mixed feelings about the SH stuff, I feel mostly good about the session. And I feel mostly good about you. Today I feel a little more hopeful than I did. Thank you T. P.S. I think I'll nickname you Tony the Tiger. You're not a ferocious tiger but I think you would get a kick out of the cartoon tiger.

When I hugged you yesterday you smelled like washing powder.

Yes, you are, you were born in 1986, you are the same age as me.

I feel weird about this...

I have one awkward fantasy where I stroke your cheek.
Of course I'll NEVER tell you
Lol

****Trigger Warning*****

I dont know how to tell you that sex and violence are closely linked in my mind

Part of me wants to let you get close but a bigger part of me is terrified of you.

Hi t

I’m sitting in the cafeteria, crying. 2h till my last exam. I’m not doing well.

Dear T,
Please give me a good session before the break (yeah, I'll be talking to you on the phone Wed., but...) The last two have been more...challenging. And while I often need challenging to make progress, today, I'd maybe just like to feel more connected. Which is why I'm debating bringing up one or two things that came out of Wednesday. Maybe I'll just do a hard stop at, say, the half hour mark, then we can talk about bunnies or joke around or something.

Love,
LT

I both like and hate these feelings of attachment. They make me feel embarrassed/ashamed and I’m wondering what I can do to lessen them.

Watcha doing?

Hi t. You have shown up in my dreams on 3 separate nights since I saw you last week. Crimenetly woman!! Yes, I blame you entirely for this.

Good vocab word-- a new one for me. Thanks!

Something my mom always says.... I reserve it for special occasions haha!

T,

I had bad dreams last night. I feel like I don't deserve to treat myself with compassion. I keep trying day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute to be who I want to be. I'm all but giving up on myself. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I always seem to get into these situations. It's like I'm not living life, it's more like life is happening to me, if that makes sense. I don't know why I am like this. I am tired of my social anxiety and I despise my horribleness.

Dear t,

The more I think about it the more I want to call that t my mom found. I'm apprehensive for some reason but think it may be worth me going at least once just to see.

-Butterfly

Dear T,

Thank you for helping me build a world where I can limit the endless ******** floating around to what I'm willing to engage. Thank you for being honest with me even when we disagree, you never crowd me out and sometimes I can even see your point even if I don't want to adopt your on the edge of pollyanna stance. And thank you for respecting my brain and my heart when it's difficult for me to do so. Therapy is a sanctuary, a haven from the meanness in the world, and a place to celebrate the beauty of what's good.

Hold me and protect me.

Dear T,
Thanks for a good pre-vacation session. We tackled a few potentially dicey areas near the end (so much for my bringing them up at beginning!), but I think we came to a better understanding of each other and some good directions to go in when I'm back from vacation (certainly not going into anything too deep on the phone call next week!) And your good-bye and good wishes for my vacation felt very warm, so thanks for that. I felt the connection I'd wanted to feel.
Love,
LT

Dear Tony the Tiger T...I feel worse than yesterday. I'm really thinking about what you said as a distraction...I'll probably try that tomorrow since today I'm at work. My SH hurts. Yes I know I did it to myself. My former T would know what to say that I would find comforting right now. Unfortunately I can't seem to bring it up out of myself.

Hey. Is it too early to talk about what happens in October, once the 3 months I committed to coming back for are up? You never said where that timeframe came from, the 'why' behind it. Was it just arbitrary? Or is there a reason for it? Was it because mid-October will mark our 7th year??

T. 7 years we've been doing this. Wow.