Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Dearest ex-t,

I haven't been able to wipe this huge smile off my smug mug since I got the glorious news earlier today. I wonder if you received your notification yet and how you're holding up. No, no. I don't really care how you're holding up. You did this to yourself.

Enjoy the ride! You're in for a long one!

Signed, the former dear friend and client you grossly underestimated

Dear Piaf,

I finally realized what I should have said in response to your comment about me being exhausting and difficult to deal with due to my hearing: that you were exhausting and difficult to deal with because English isn’t your first language and you have an accent.

It would under no circumstances have been okay for me to say that. So why was it okay for you to say what you said?

ATAT

2 nights and I'm at I don't care if you come back, whatever. I'm not mad or angry. It's just that there's nothing special about our relationship. You are my therapist and that's about it. I'm not all that sure I even need you/therapy. Unless you want me to look at my acting out behaviors since right before you left through today.

What is it with this cycle around vacations and attachments? You better come back.

I don't want to face you tomorrow. There are three possible topics that I should talk about and they're all things I really really don't want to talk to you about.

You should get one of those booth things they use for Catholic confession so at least I wouldn't have to have you looking at me when I talk about this stuff.

I love you so much.

I am so angry with nothing to do with it.

Sorry for opening my big mouth. This is one of those times I really hope your terrible memory works in my favor. Thanks for putting up with my annoying self for so long. Not sure how you do it.

I love this idea.

Moving forward, half steam ahead.

Hi. I'm thinking about you a lot. I am also right now looking at the why. What am I getting out of it? What do I want to get from it? Also what am I wanting out of the next month and a half or so of weekly sessions? What do I want to happen at the end of this period I've committed to?

I you. Which leads me to ask myself why? Where do these love feelings originate?

Have you finally taught me how to ask myself the tough questions??

#1 what I want out of therapy currently - to be able to ask myself the questions you ask. Because as I've told you before, you ask good questions.

I hate you you lie to me you make me believe stuff that’s not true I don’t dissociate I had a perfect childhood stop making me believe lies

I want to email you and quit. But I don't want to not see you again. So can I just make believe quit?

Goldangit I want it to be tomorrow already.

You want to see C, but I'm the one who's coming! I can't help it! You're probably really mad at me for being such a headache yesterday. You probably hate me now, even though you said you don't. I think that is a lie! Therapy triggers me and I can't calm down and I can't back down, either, apparently. When I think of you talking to C, it fills me with rage. Makes me want to hurt her and you. I want to lash out so bad. Nobody cares how I feel. I don't know what to do with my anger. I want to hurt and destroy. Our agreement has expired, so I don't know what's stopping me. I feel like doing something drastic.

Thanks for the email. You were really trying weren't you? I appreciate that.

I don't feel any less afraid though.

See you tomorrow?

I actually had a non-"traumatic" day at work. It wasn't spectacular by any means, but it felt like a "normal" day. It was annoying and irritating at times.

This is painful. I was supposed to have a session right now. I guess I just can't be a normal person as much as I try.

I want to email you and say sorry for being a twat. Please don’t hate me.

((((Anastasia~))))

Eight more wake ups...

I hope we will have privacy for our next meeting. I know I will need to clear the rest of the day.

I still don’t like you.

Oddly enough, the description of how appointments went with you are not the way others post about theirs. Did you think you were giving me caring looks or tone of voice? Was I supposed to notice if you did? What the hell did you think was happening?

Dear P-doc,
Thanks for being understanding about things today and not pushing me on the one issue. Hopefully my insurance will approve that test. And I already ordered some Sam-E--will let you know how that goes.
--LT

Oh hi, T. I'm not sure why you are still so kind to me? You MUST be sick of my stubbornness/ lack of willing to change by now.

Emailed you, please reply quickly this time.