Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Dear R,

I'm not gonna skip tuesdays session, like I said I would. I'm not angry- just confused I guess. On tuesday you told that it was okay for me to write essays in an email to you to to really let you know how I was feeling. When I said we didn't do therapy by email. Thursday you want to stick to the frame so no third session this week despite the fact that I told you I went to the hospital. Where does the email stuff come into it? Christmas and birthday presents? Do you want to go back to the way it was at the start? Or have you finally clocked on to something I haven't told you about but felt since may?

Hi T,

Something bad's gonna happen. I don't know what it is, but it's bad.

[And yes, I know how that sounds]

Well I emailed, but I'm glad I did. Thanks for the lovely reply

He has never acknowledged anything but claims it was mutual "effed up things we both did". Which is not true, even when I factor in how both of us have large amnesiac patches. I have enough memories of soaked with terror of him and of desperately trying to avoid him to believe it was not mutual but heavily skewed towards him as being the dominant one.

Plus, at a point in time (with external corroboration), our parents gave him carte blanche permission to punish me in whatever way he saw fit. Which, unfortunately for me, he did over incredibly minor things. Plus plenty of "smaller" stuff which displayed his sadism towards me.

Once I confronted him on a major incident and he claimed he didn't remember and made an excuse justifying it. The other major one I never mentioned because it's far worse.

Several times he has expressed resentment towards me, and he pretty much openly told me he helped me become a functioning adult and sacrificed his well-being to do so (massive reality distortion there), so where I am now is "because" of him and therefore I'm obligated to save him from suicide over and over and hear all his angry rants about how the world and our parents and me owe him for how effed up he is.

My parents abdicated their responsibility as parents onto me when we were young. So I get blamed for his failure to launch by him and them.

Most people in the large extended family feel sorry for him. Including my sister who knows what he did and herself feels he's creepy and messed up. But they put it on me to "counsel" him and I'm branded selfish for refusing to do so any longer. But are they stepping up? No. So he comes to me and he feels entitled to.

When I avoid him, he goes to my sister. Cause he feels she "owes" him too. He displaces his anger towards our parents onto my sister and he's also angry with her. And with me, cause he's "the scapegoat".

Tw
.
.

Dear R,

I'm going to "stay the course" and trust you'll get me to where I need to be.

S

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry you've been hurt so much. Let him go to your sister. It's not your job to counsel him and your not selfish for refusing to do so.

Have you noticed I can't even say the word shame? It's too shameful. I've written you a huge email but I won't send it. I cant let you know how much I need you. Dangerous. You know too much, you've seen too much of me and I can't stand it anymore. I feel totally nuts this afternoon, totally unable to settle myself and I have a teething toddler to look after. I just want to curl up on your sofa and go to sleep....please? I just want someone to look after me.

Dear T,
Enjoy your long weekend. I miss you.
LT

Hugs hugs hugs. You're always so consistently kind to people.

We could have our own private party...

I wish I could see you twice next week. But I don't want to make you work on the holiday Monday even though you offered. I don't think it would be good for me anyway to come twice, I'd just get more stupidly attached than I already am. This can't be healthy. This is why every 2 weeks is better. Even though you say every two weeks isn't therapy. So why'd we do it that way for so long?????? Grrr.

Stupid heart.

Stupid, stupid heart.

Do you think the therapist offered because she thought if you accepted you would be making her do something? To someone who sets their own hours, working on a holiday such as labor day may be no big deal.
I often work/see clients on labor day because it is not a significant or emotional holiday to me at all.

Thank you (and I mean this in a positive way) for helping me see my codependent behavior in this reaction of mine - I'm basing how I feel on how I think she should feel (a form of controlling behavior) instead of being happy she offered and letting her deal with herself. Seriously, thank you. And no of course she likely doesn't think that way.

I think i'm going to text her and ask for Monday.

Dear T,

Maybe you should refer me out to someone else or I should split the transference .

But more than anything I wish I was physically sick with an illness that could be quantified by a simple lab test. I'm so tired, in a lot of pain and so weak in this need for you. Is that therapy?

I am paranoid and anxious that the insurance company will contact you and you will be annoyed with me. Or that you will straight up just be annoyed that I prewarned you that they might because I think I mentioned it before but I don’t know if you will remember or not.

Ultimately I know it will be okay but of course this all happened on a Friday and you aren’t in the office until Tuesday so I won’t get any reassurance until then. I hate all the money stress but I know you know that. I really can’t afford to pay you more even with this minimal insurance help but I’m scared you are going to disagree and make it an issue. But maybe it’s all amplified in my head because I’m trying to prep for your long holiday and our month away from therapy.

I just came in from sitting outside on my covered patio watching the storm... with a couple candles burning on the table.... thinking about you.... once again the fantasy of sitting with you watching the storm, my head laying on your shoulder... this love I feel for you is from such a young and innocent place inside me.... I want to tell you this but at the same time I don't... yes the moment would have been right yesterday during my session because I was so vulnerable already and surviving it... but the moment is past now... even if I came Monday it wouldn't matter the moment is already gone... little me is so in love with you again.... adult me says gotta stop this nonono it can't be... what are we doing? Why did you let me come back? What happens in October?! Too many questions. Adult me wishes I'd stayed away while little me wants to hold onto you forever...

little me longs to tell you all of this but...

Thanks for the check in today. Was a good one. Hope you enjoy your long weekend. Look forward to seeing you Tuesday for our 90th session!

Why can't you tell her that? This October thing is arbitrary. If your heart tells you that you need to keep going, what's the harm in continuing? You seem to be getting something out of this that you weren't before. A blossoming of sorts.

I miss you. I opened a can of worms on Monday and I can't put the lid back on by myself. Thank you for the call today and thank you for offering to call me Monday. I never would have asked.

I don’t understand how you can accept that part of me

You were right. It is about you. And you seemed to already know you were right. Now can we never discuss that subject again please?

I'm dreaming about you a lot at the moment. You normally don't turn up in my dreams very often. I wonder whether I'm dreaming of you because I still feel connection, or whether I still feel connection because I'm dreaming of you.

LC, even if you do have severe BPD, there are therapists willing to work intensively. ((LC))