Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

That article did end on a positive note, but it was from a treatment center giving advice to therapists.

I think I've jinxed myself and made myself sick like I originally wanted.Except that I'm alone with no one to look after me.

You've given me 3 sessions a week before, why not now? I asked for something on monday by email- not possible.I asked for Wednesday during Tuesday's session. I asked about anything on Friday you said the frame stuff.

It makes me want to pull away from you.

So, I am here. Again. With my intense abandonment fears. You are very clearly irritated with me, if not hatred of me. So, now that you can't stand me and you respond to me as little as you can, I don't know what to do. When I say I have an internal saboteur, I mean that because of the fact that I keep ending up with the same outcome. It's obviously me. So, this is a part of some idiotic process. And in this ****ed up process, where I do have a friend who is helping, T, you are absent. I feel like I should know by osmosis exactly what to do and exactly how to stop. AT work the other day, I got caught up in yet another issue of mine. How can I feel good about myself when these issues keep occurring. And you go silent or missing as much as possible. I RUIN all of my relationships sooner or later. I have no choice but to just loose faith in myself, to finally realize that I can't be like other normal people. I can't just go to work day by day, having some good days, some bad, some in between. I have to go to work dealing with intense affect. I have told people about this, and yet I have to do this time after time, the abject fear of going back this time. The feeling like I'm not a good person. These things don't happen to worthy, good people. They happen to me. There is apparently no solution. So, now I am ashamed I contacted you too much. Now I am ashamed that i can't just do the right thing. I ****ed things up with you and I'm shocked and ashamed. Although it's my fault. I want to get to the point where I walk around with armor within and nothing bothers me. I want to not feel. I want to stop being punished for being me. I want someone to help me with this ****ing phase I go through. I get if everyone hates me and is done with me because I am sick to death of not being normal but am expected to be normal. What a ****ed up society.

What the **** was that? Why would you ever get the idea to not talk at all? You better make up for this as soon as you can!

I miss you and I don't feel very connected to you and I feel weird about some of the stuff that you said on Thursday and I sort of want to email you but it wouldn't make things better I don't think and I want to look forward to our session next week but I can't because on that same day they're going to knock me out and shove a tube down my throat and I'm going to find out exactly how f***ed my heart is and I don't even know what I want them to say and I'm scared I might die even though that's stupid.

Thank you NP. Truly! I do feel that way... like something big is finally happening. I like your choice of words, 'a blossoming'.

Maybe I will tell her.

T, I'd considered texting and taking you up on your offer to come Monday to make up for missing the week you were out of town. But I'm not going to anymore cuz h told me wants us to go hiking Monday and I'm not going to discourage that at all!! (I hadn't told him about your offer) We had a great time the last hiking excursion so I'm hopeful for a good talk again. It'll be the perfect time to try what we talked about the other day. Waiting til Thursday is fine like I said it's only a week this time...

I'm so tired. So very tired.
I don't feel well.
I feel like I've got nothing left to give.
For the first time- I'm not looking forward to tuesday's session. Maybe I am just acting out. But why can't I just not go?
What about what I think is right for me over what you think is right for me?
"I'm well acquainted with the villains that live in my head."
I don't feel connected to you.
I guess I feel just disillusioned.
Therapy is just so painful and it's been relentless for the 20 months.

(((Lemoncake))) I hope you can find some peaceful restoring of your soul, oh precious one.

Honestly reading the precious bit made me go "Awwww"Thank you artie for making me feel like i'm worth something.

Hi Dr. S,

I want to email you to ask you not to take it with you. You've probably already left. That's the only reason I'm not sending the email. I'm sorry,
me

Dear T,
This is the longest you've ever taken to give some response (even if just "Can't reply in full right now, will reply tomorrow morning.")--23 hours now. I know you may be on vacation right now, but you've said before that you generally check email at least once a day when away. So...feeling a little worried.

--LT

ETA: 42 minutes...

I understand why you haven't emailed me but it still hurts.

Dear T,
You have a half hour...or maybe you'll reply in the morning? Maybe you just don't want to deal with me...
LT

5 minutes

Hey T. Seeing the art-T today went well. SO MANY QUESTIONS. We worked out a sliding scale fee that I hope can work. The only good thing is that in January she is having her baby, so I will have a few months to save up money to see her when she gets back. I feel like I will like working with her.

T,

I want to jump off the edge of the world.

I want to email you this right now!!! But I shan't bother you. Thanks for telling me about that movie. Diana is a beautiful badass! And I love what she said near the end just before she vanquished Ares. "It's not about deserve, it's about what you believe. And I believe in love." Methinks that has been written upon my heart. Can't wait to see you next week. love, me

Those criminals in the house next door keep getting away with their illegal activities. They must have connections because after they get arrested, they get out and repeat the same offense. Why don't they learn?? What should I do?

btw, my T says she checks email every day, that doesn't mean every 24 hours. She could check it at 6am one day and 6 pm the next. Hang in there.

I think I am having a psychotic break.

I enjoyed talking about TV shows with you today. It was kind of silly but it makes me happy when we talk about things just for a couple minutes that aren't all about me.

Thanks, that’s a good point. Though it’s now been all of yesterday, since I sent email Friday evening...

After so long, it's somehow easier to make like you don't exist than endure these intense feelings. The stuff that happened in your absence has to be dealt with, and I feel like I need to learn to trust you again...