Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

Your response is not helping.

Dear T,
Well that went well. Sure we talked about random stuff part of the time but what we did discuss was pretty major. And I’m glad you can see the progress I’ve made and acknowledged it—sort of the opposite of ex-T...

Of course I want to know if I’m one of the clients you like more, but the way you described what makes a client likeable—I think it’s pretty clear I’m on that list. Since I do the work, I’m fairly open in talking about things, and you seem to appreciate my sense of humor. And I sincerely doubt you’d have discussed that at all if I was at the bottom of your list. And I felt really silly saying “do you like me as a client?” If you hate working with me, you’re doing an excellent job of faking it.
Love,
LT

The dream I had last night would be fun to tell you about, if you were into dreams. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I think dreams are just random neurons firing up there, sometimes I think they mean something.

It was kind of a beautiful love story, albeit with a deceased TV star from my childhood, who felt familiar, the chaos of a particular place that was clearly not following the rules, and a lot of conflicting feelings for me, but of one thing I am sure. I want to be in love again, but not with a dead guy.

Awww this sounds so cute LT!

I guess I lied when I said I would let this go. Guess the 2 day thing doesn't apply now. I have emails from Paperchase,Yankee Candles, Choice stationary, Frugi and, Uniqlo but none from you.

I don’t deserve your help

M,

We connected today. Even though it was a shock you wrote about me on Reddit, it humanized you and I realized you do listen and remember from the name you picked). It gave me just the tiniest bit of courage I need to go on and keep faith. It's so ironic, really. I feel close to you for really the first time, bc the facade of perfect control has a chink in it that lets lamplight through, if not sunlight( and of course never, never candlelight).

What was it you said yesterday about me maybe developing some empathy for T1? I don't know. Is that you talking or me?

Have a nice time at Edinburgh Festival...

Eighteen days and counting.




Why are you so bloody nice to me?

I'm sorry that I've only been seeing you for a short amount of time but I am in a crisis, please help me when I see you. My close friend is incredibly poorly in hospital in ICU and I am absolutely beside myself because she's never going to be the same again (if she even recovers) and I feel like I've lost not only my friend but she doesn't remember me. She's so young. I need your support.

I am very angry with you. You should know that I need to be kept informed, to prevent me spiralling. I'm spiralling now, and I don't know what to do...because I don't want to be angry with you.


J tells me I should email, but I don't want to deal with your reaction to what I have to share over email.

I'm really worried about the upcoming months. Back to work for me, month-long vacation for you.


Can we talk about how NOT to be me? It sounds like texting isn't an option while you are gone because of international charges. I know I need to deal with things on my own. Going back to work means just more social anxiety and stress. You leaving means I have a lesser chance of making it through it all.


I am angry that I have to be me. I hate that there's no other choice. I hate that you are so kind to me, consistently, and that in spite of that I am saying I hate me at the moment. But I do. Being me means that I stress out about the stupidest things. I also stress out about normal things. Being me means I dread you going away. This is my life.


Should I ask for someone else (therapist) to tolerate having me for a patient for the time you are away? I dread the future. I just don't want to care anymore. I don't want to be. I don't want to be me. I'm too f'd up.

See you at 5.

(Yay! Dare I admit to really liking coming weekly again?)

But I wonder, what will happen when we get to mid-October and the 3 months is up? Must talk about that. I'm not planning to continue. But what if I did....?

and here we are almost at the point of 2 months left...

...don't leave me...

In 45 mins day 15 will start. You don't feel real anymore.

Meh...go suck an egg. Maybe I already told you that. Well, then, go suck 2 eggs.

I'm sorry. This did make me laugh though.

Thanks!! I'm glad it did! Humor is the best medicine ya know!

T,

Maybe you should do therapy with Yankee Candles.

((RQ))

That's awful.

It's just dawned on me that coming to session tomorrow is going to be exceedingly awkward and I don't want to do it.

Dear Piaf,

I find you incomprehensible at times. Like the things you apologize for. Today you apologized for my hearing (which feels like you’re obviously trying to be empathic because I’ve said you often don’t seem to be) but you didn’t say you were sorry that I felt frail or that you didn’t appreciate what a sensitive topic my hearing is. I don’t actually want or need apologies for any of these, but to me it’s incredibly odd to apologize for the first but not the second (if you’re trying to be empathic) or the third (your misjudgement).

And the way you keep trying to move the session to some other topic when I’m not done with the previous one looks like avoidance. You said it was because you wanted to discuss topics with “content” not “process,” which, not only do I not know what that means, but surely I should be the one deciding when to move on?

Aaargh.

ATAT

Ts can be lousy apolgisers.

I just.....