Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIV

You called me "my dear" yesterday. I think it just slipped out unintentionally, but it still makes me smile.

(((EMr))) if it helps you feel any better at all, I just ate a bowl of mine. They tasted suspiciously like ice cream. now my tummy hurts.

L, I'm ready to start talking about that which I ran away from in June. Be ready. Ok?

I hope you’re not mad when you check your email in the morning. Sorry I didn’t send the email we agreed to. Just please don’t send the cops to my house, k?

T,
Thank you for helping me realize I’m not a **** person. I still feel so lucky to end up with a therapist I really click with, feel safe with, and actually believe. You say that one day I won’t be so harsh on myself. I laugh when you say it because it makes me nervous, but I believe you when you say it. I don’t believe I could have been honest enough with somebody else, therefore not feeling okay about things I beat myself up about. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be honest and grow.

I'm afraid of new receptionists, they hate me
So I didn't ask them to call me if you have a cancellation for me
But I don't want to wait 3 weeks

Our session was so far away for so, so, so many months, and now suddenly it's almost here. And I have missed you for so, so, so many months, and now suddenly I am terrified to see you again.

A tiny bit of clarification would help me so much...surely you know this?

We've been working together for seventeen months or so...

I want to be able to go to the concert this weekend and feel OK, hell, I want to be able to enjoy it, without having to put this crap in a box.

While you are taking a break for your own self care, so am I. The last time I felt I'd taken such a positive step forward in self care was when you were gone in 'April. Connection? Nah.

I’m angry with you for not being there and pissing off on holiday. I’m hurting and you don’t care. **** you. I’m done.

I just wanna sit with u right now, sit cry and scream this feeling away. More importantly I want you to hug me and just for a few minutes make everything go away and feel like I'm not so alone with all this!

Ffs, again?

hey how u doing

Emailing you was a mistake. You won't turn up.

I am so grateful that you have stuck by me. I feel like I have been insane lately. I am getting a better grasp on what my issues are. I am starting to realize how easily I absorb negative statements even if it is not about me. I feel so much better today than I have in awhile.

I thought you would be tired of me and distant from me today, but on the contrary, you said you felt connected to me, and that you felt loving towards me. I do love you.

Please just reply within 2 days like it's always been because I will use this a an excuse to act out,because I hate you for leaving me behind. For choosing her over me.

£5460 is what 136 sessions with you cost.

But it's obviously more because that only goes up to the 28th of june.

Dear T,

The gaping, sucking, hole in my chest pain that makes it hard just to breathe is back. I feel clingy and needy and anxious.

When I found out I'm getting out of work early on Friday due to software upgrades I really wanted you to say you had a free appointment then. I don't want to wait until Monday. I didn't want to hear that you're not in the office at all on Friday afternoon.

I should be calling you. Except I can't. I can't be that burden. Better to pull inside myself.

On Monday I want to ask for a hug, except since you're gone the following week I don't want to "waste" a session on that. You'll want to talk about it first, I'm sure. I don't want to admit that a hug would mean you care about me and that I want that. I want to be cared about.

I'm sorry, T, that I am so weak.

-GeekyOne

I’m seriously considering bailing on our session on Friday. And taking a break of at least a month. I’m really frustrated with your flakiness, and I don’t like paying you to discuss it with you. I know there’s value in practicing with expressing anger in what’s supposed to be a safe space. But it’s not feeling so safe at the moment.

It feels like there’s always a cost to receiving love. You are present, and open in session, and incredibly supportive when you’re available. But you’re also inconsistent, and seem to bring a heavy dose of countertransference sometimes.

Ours is obviously not a romantic relationship (nor would I ever want it to be), but there’s a parallel here to what I’ve said in the past about the cost of affection/love being sex. In case it’s not clear, it’s the form, not the content of the comparison that’s important here.

Your behavior is really disappointing, and once again, it feels like the only recourse I have is to walk away.

T,

I don't much feel like working through heavy trauma on Friday. Let's blow bubbles or play with the deck of cards or play catch.

I just need a break. I'm falling apart.

I'm just so grateful I told you I love you before I said goodbye... I hope I go back at some point. But for now, I don't know how to have you in my life and maintain my peace of mind at the same time. And my peace of mind is too important to give away. When I can handle both, I'll write to you.
... I'm sorry I was such a brat.

I'm afraid to see you on Saturday.

Dear R,

I won't hold on so tightly I will let you go.

My mother has gone on a 3 week holiday and because of the time difference hasn't even been in contact for the past 2 days and my brother is working and has a "thing" with a new girl so he's not replying back to messages either.

I can do this alone.

Reaching out would be the best thing I could do for my sanity at the moment. Fear that this is going to drag on even longer than I thought is keeping me from doing so. Friends tell me I'm safe...but I am not OK.

Dear T,
Nervous about session today for no particular reason.

Love,
LT