Retirement

Because of several upcoming drastic changes in my job, this week I have been thinking about retirement more than ever before. But I have been in my workplace for almost 34 years, and it is a very big part of my identity. So I go back and forth with thinking about it. Today I printed out a lot of documents and check-lists to read; there is a lot of financial and insurance stuff I would rather not deal with, but I know I have to. The thought of cleaning out my office is depressing, as there is so much of it.
I know I can take this step-by-step, and get support from my T, but it's all so overwhelming: I need to think about it, but it's causing me so much anxiety and depression, but the thought of staying and trying to survive the changes is equally awful.
I actually made a list of things I could do after I retire. I've never done that before.
The thing is, my T is also close to retirement. She's already decreased the number of hours she's in the office.
I don't know how I'm going to survive all of these changes. When I saw her this week, she reminded me to do my self-care and use my tools, so that I can keep myself from sliding further toward The Pit. But it's very hard to use my tools while I am actually at work. I feel.....stuck, frozen. Can't go forward, yet, but scared to remain here.

I understand though my dilemma is different. I love my house but T has been suggesting I should think about moving to a smaller place in a building with people, or a retirement hotel. I wasn't afraid in my house until I got this health condition. Now I'm almost continually anxious. However, it would take a year to go through all of the stuff my husband and I kept for over 40 years! I'm doing it with someone I pay, but it's very slow.

I get that it's overwhelming for you to make a decision. Have you made a list of pros and cons for staying vs retirement? Are these drastic changes for sure? Is there any room for grey, or is it all black and white? Do you have a deadline? Can you see how these changes affect you and then decide?

It's hard, I know. I'm even more anxious when I think about moving out of my house! I'd rather get well instead! I'm sure you'd rather not have the changes happen in your job.

Plan for the future now while you have the support. Some people need structure — at least a basic outline for most things in life. They aren't good at rolling with the punches, so to speak; having to make decisions without proper time and planning can be very anxiety-provoking. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. You're definitely not alone. I'm frequently that way too.

I can definitely empathize and relate to you about having something or doing something that over time becomes such a huge part of your life, both in a literal sense — like a career you spend 40+ hours a week, 52 weeks a year for many years or a parent where you're really never not working —as well as in the sense of it occupying such a significant part of how you identify and see yourself as a person.

While I still have another three or four decades in the field I work in, I can't imagine after that. And I don't know if I ever will. Because work has always been such a huge part of my life for better or worse. But once I've worked as long as you have, I'll be at the same crossroads. I don't know what I'll do, what it'll look like, probably the same as you right now, but I'm pretty confident it'll all work out.

Those are all good questions. I only have answers to a few of them, and I know I shouldn't make any definitive decisions until I have answers to all of them.

Yes, the changes are drastic for sure, and many changes are happening at once, AND I'm almost 59, have chronic health issues, and I'M TIRED.

I don't have a deadline. And waiting to see how the changes affect me is a great idea. I usually get very anxious before a change, and often things work out well afterward, despite all my anxiety.

Still, I could use an Ativan. And I don't have any; haven't had a need for it in a long time. I could call my Pdoc and ask, but he'd probably want to see me; in any case, I'd have to wait until next week. Hmmm. We're going away this weekend. Maybe the change of scenery will do me good.

I was more confident when I was younger, lol! However, I am in the midst of settling into a new identity, and retirement will help with that. Still...I'm not ready to make any decisions and I KNOW that THAT is a decision, too...Anyway, thanks for your support. It helps.

You are lucky to be able to retire so young here in the US.

My wife tells me to talk to the retirement-process people, to see if I have enough money to retire. My memory has been crappy lately, and it bothers me, so she tells me to set up an appointment with a neurologist, to see if it's normal aging, or something else. I love her, but her rational answers are not helping me right now. I have all these things to do, that I've been putting off. Every day I forget to do something or many things. I thought that getting better rest would help, but today I am just as anxious and upset as I was yesterday. I can't stop ruminating about the changes at work if I stay, and the fears and anxieties if I retire. I try to put my mind to something else, but it always comes back to all the CHANGES going on. Now, I know life is about change, and how we act/react to change, but I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I am literally shaking. I can't go home; I have to be here in the office, and do the things I need to do. I called my T, asking if she had time for me today or tomorrow, even though I'm pretty sure she won't have time for me today. I try to tell myself that it is anxiety and depression talking, but I still feel like an idiot. Yesterday I reserved a room for my wife and me, for a nice family tradition we do in September, but I booked the wrong (expensive!) room, so now that's an extra thing I have to do: cancel the reservation and make a new one. IT'S ANOTHER THING. ALL. THE. THINGS. Sorry this post is so long; thanks to all of you who read the whole thing.

My situation is a little different than yours, because I worked only part-time for a nonprofit agency while also running a consulting business for the past 25 years. But even working part time I received substantial benefits because of the number of years I'd put in, and I was surprised to find out how well retirement from the agency would work for me after I visited the human resource person.

I was motivated to retire because the agency had slowly transformed both in people and in mission to something I really wasn't enjoying any more, and because I had less autonomy and more bureaucratic b.s. in my way to doing my job. I still enjoyed the work if it could be stripped of the administrative hassles and just generally s*cky people who seemed to think they were in charge, and people who were really in charge who had no vision or leadership skills making dumb decisions for the rest of us. Working there had gone from the pleasure of doing the work with the clients of the agency to a major pain in the ***.

In only an hour, the human resources person laid out the practicalities of retirement. Health insurance would cost this much. Monthly benefits would be this much. It was a clear decision that in my overall financial pie, continuing to work there would actually not financially benefit me much at all. Again my situation is different, because I'm continuing to do my own consulting work and I do need that income, at least for the next 5 years or so.

There was a lot of paperwork, but a specific person helped me when it was confusing. I did it all and a few months later, I can't even begin to tell you how much I love being retired from that place. Not having to deal with the hassles and the kind of toxic environment and people I didn't like working with is a.m.a.z.i.n.g. The reduction in my stress and having time and space for the things I want to do is also.

Personally, I'd make it a priority to get the information about retirement. 34 years in the same place (I had much less than that, at part time for most years except for a few) is a long time for $$ to accrue. Then you'll probably know whether continuing to work there versus retirement is right for you.

I also struggle with change. I hate it, tbh. Maybe you could make a pro/con list for staying at your job and retiring (if you can afford it). That sometimes helps me focus and ruminate less.

As expected, T can't see me until tomorrow afternoon. I took the appointment time she offered. Now I feel the following: overwhelmed, weepy, anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, ready to leave this place, and, did I mention, overwhelmed?! Not to mention wanting to run away to someplace with a safe therapeutic frame.

I'll see T today. I talked to my wife this morning, trying to explain why things are so hard for me right now. She's trying, but admitted she didn't understand why I am so upset, The last time I felt like this, my ex-P (He retired several years ago.) gave me Ativan (Lorazepam), and I think maybe I need this, again. Not to be on all the time, but just when the paralyzing thoughts/anxiety/rumination/depression/overwhelming feelings become too much for me. Stay tuned.

Saw my T, poured my heart out to her. I was shaking like a leaf. She feels--and I agree--that my anxiety level is so high right now, I can't focus enough to take the first steps towards even asking about retirement, not to mention dealing with the financial issues (which bring more anxiety). I asked her if she thought Ativan was a good idea, and she said yes. So after I saw her, I went down the hall to my Pdoc's office, to find out if he could see me. He invited me into his office, heard me out, and sent a script to my pharmacy. He told me not to go back to work today. So I'm home now, waiting for the meds to work. When I'm calmer, I'll be able to focus better, to ask the right questions, and make some decisions.

I'm glad you got the help you needed and are prioritizing your self care above all else. The answers to your questions can wait until you're ready. Good luck.

Thanks. My T said it was good that I asked for this emergency session, and encouraged me to find some physical outlets, like walking, yoga or Tai chi.

Damn, that's convenient

WHAT's convenient?

I didn't understand that either. Might be better left alone.

Being able to walk down the hall and chat with your psychiatrist. In jealous.

Well, there was a chance he wouldn't be able to see me, or want to give me a script.

True, but just that close proximity seems nice.

Not the difficult time you've been having but (what sounds from your description like) a well-coordinated care set-up with providers in close physical proximity working together for your wellbeing.

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. Maybe rather than find solutions to every single problem now, which sounds very overwhelming, you can give yourself a little time and let the answers come to you? Like it sounds like everything is important but nothing is super-urgent? Lots of things have a way of settling themselves or becoming clearer while you focus on the immediate stuff. Which maybe, right now, is just breathing?

Good luck!