Couch 177: I Get a Strange Magic - ELO

Well, Tuesday is a different day anyway--Monday (my usual day) is a holiday here (Labor Day). He generally will hold my regular time slots open for me on my regular days (Mondays and Thursdays), but he doesn't do recurring appointments. In a way I do like his flexibility. But it can be frustrating when he wants to change time at last minute, I assume to accommodate another client...(he wanted to switch from noon to either 11 or 1, so I don't think it's like he has a doctor's appointment or something). I think that makes me feel like just a time slot to him. Like just a client, even though I know that's what I am. Which is partly behind the sadness.

I think it's also that he didn't say something like "Enjoy your weekend!" or acknowledge that talking about the stone is difficult for me or apologize for the delay in responding (I know, it's a holiday weekend, but he always says something in 24 hours)...something that would feel more personal or caring maybe? It just felt very businesslike. I think really I just miss him. Plus I feel his saying let's wait to talk about it suggests he might say no, to the shell and/or stone. I just wanted him to say, "Sure, you can keep the stone for longer!" Something reassuring or caring.

Yay!

You can be my wonder woman today.

I'm not sure I really have any heroes. The main person who pops into my head is Obama, but that seems really cliche.

(Don't be jealous una it's only for today haha)

Lt

I get the just a client feeling. I think that realization hits us all at some point. It truly sucks but it helps me in times when i don't expect anything more from him. I know once therapy ends, I'm replaced . Sucks but it's how this works. They do care but only limited. Maybe not keeping the stone will be ok in the end. Just gotta do your best to stat stay busy and enjoy your time until session. Maybe put on a funny movie or something. Good luck

I thought about putting a note too xDD



I'm feeling very odd and oddly enough kinda happy.

Can you feel the loooooooooooooove tonight. the peace the evening brings, the world for once in perfect harmony with all its living things

I get where you're coming from about appointment times. When I first started, my appointment moved around a bit, but now I have set times and he seems to remember them without consulting his calendar. There's something reassuring about the stability of my hours on his calendar. That's not to say they never change. A few weeks ago we moved my appointment from 1pm to 9am because he had a flight to catch that afternoon, but even that move made me feel secure, because he came in early to make sure I got my appointment that day (his usual day starts at 11). It's nice that your T has flexibility but maybe what you need more is stability.

I'm wondering if he needs to know that you have a transitional object for it to work for you. I've never really asked for one from mine, but I've kind of created my own. This may sound dumb, but I carry around some tissues from his office in my pocket. I also have some things he's written for me (a letter, safety plans) that I take comfort from just knowing that I can pull out and read if I need to. I actually told him about the tissue thing a long time ago and he didn't react poorly or anything and I bet he would be okay if I asked for something specifically but I just can't do it. Is there something you could use like this that he wouldn't know about or need to know about? It feels so incredibly hurtful and I imagine it feels like a rejection of sorts that he has issues around this, but it obviously serves a need in you that deserves to be met.

Only cool people get movies made about them available on Netflix.

I agree with NP. Perhaps a regular set time would be better for you LT.

I also created my own object which is just a lego minifigure I thought looked like him (if he was made out of lego.) It works just as well.

You’re speaking as though a term like hero is objectively quantifiable and it’s not. It is very much in the eye of the beholder.

For instance one of the people una gives as a hero I detest. For one person someone’s anti-Semitism might eliminate them from hero contention and others would not see it relevant to the discussion of whether they’re a hero at all since they don’t see it as the contribution or the characteristic they’re known as a hero for.

I’ve got my answer about whether I have too few heroes now—thanks, everybody.

It's the small things that can have huge differences and I can understand your sadness.They're both valid points. At the end of the day we just want them to care. I hope he does come through for you on this.

Isadora Duncan, right?

Uh...have you seen who has movies about them on Netflix?

I am watching “The Five” now. It was recommended because I watched “Dark,” have you tried it?

Um...no. I kind of like her.

Someone needs to invent a time machine and tell ol’ Isadora to quit wearing scarves.

I hadn't heard of her. I was talking about Obama.



(But also serial killers and murders too... )

When I was a kid, Mia Hamm was my hero, and also JD Salinger and Annie Dillard. I am with LT in lionizing Obama. One heroic moment that sticks in my mind is fictional- when Atticus Finch lost his trial in To Kill A MockingBird, but the whole galley gave him a standing ovation. I guess Mia Hamm's work ethic is still heroic to me , and my overall hero is Toni Morrison.

Yeah, maybe it would help to ask if I could have a set time. I do like that since I see him twice a week normally, I have two appointments on the book at any given time. Which makes me feel like, if he or I have to cancel one for some reason, there's still another one there. That's a worry I have back from when ex-MC had to cancel so much because of his wife, and once I had to actually leave him a handwritten note to get him to reschedule (he didn't respond to voicemails)--at the time, I didn't know what was going on with his wife, so it felt sort of like abandonment in a way. He eventually gave us a set time, which helped some.

And that's a good thought about creating my own transitional object. I mean, I did that with ex-MC with the stuffed elephant. I do have a stuffed animal that I associate with T, though I wouldn't tell him that (ex-MC knew about the elephant and seemed fine with it). And part of why I asked for T's business card the first or second session was for transitional object purposes. And I guess I do have two things he's written for me--one the inspirational words for my PhD interview (apparently not inspirational enough!) and the stuff from the one exercise we did. I think I just want him to say it's OK to have something of his, because that would make me feel like he truly accepted my attachment.


In talking with a friend about this, I've realized that I'm likely acting out past stuff here, that I'm asking for things from him maybe knowing or at least suspecting he'll say no. And I think that's something I need to explore more with him, what that's all about, and what I'm trying to either repeat or resolve by doing so.

Oh I haven't heard of that. Saw the trailer. I might see it eventually if it's not too long. Have you seen the OA?

(Oh em gee @@ and I are bonding!!)

No, not quantifiable but I was thinking about it more in the sense that there’s at least some general understanding / consensus around the criteria (to even use a word like hero).

But yes, I suppose that could also be hard to come by.

In the anti-Semitic case, I couldn’t see how it could be taken that it’s not relevant to a consideration of the seemingly heroic qualities — to me that’s antithetical to a basic sense of humanity, let alone heroism and so I’d be hard pressed to conceive of such a split between “heroic” vs stuff-to-be-shunned.

*edges cautiously away from Lemoncake*

Just remember when the time comes I know what it’s like to be dumped by una.

I doubt there is anyone I would consider a personal hero to me. I have a couple of people I admire or respect some things about in some areas, and I can see where some people have performed what could be considered heroic acts but which have absolutely no bearing on me.
I don't understand what the point of having a hero would be.
And with people I have some respect for - they can have foibles and inconsistencies but I still respect them in the area I find them deserving of it. They can be horrible in some ways but fine in others.

A couple years ago i gave a class an assignment to name their hero. Usually I get Bill Gates, Obama, Sully, Gandhi, MLK, that kind of answer. That year some kid said Erwin Rommel. I was pretty taken aback.

Now if you’re going to pick a Nazi as a hero it pretty much has to be Rommel, and the argument for him would be he treated Jews well, as far as we know was not on board with a lot of Nazi stuff, and may have plotted to assassinate Hitler. Plus great infantry general. So in the context, the kid said, he was a hero. Still—Nazi.

I do tend to think of heroes along the ancient model not the modern one which includes considerations like philanthropy and humanity—Heracles would not be a hero by today’s standards given the murders of his family, but still qualifies by ancient standards as a doer of great deeds.

Im watching Blades of Glory.

I am probably more in the ancient understanding or application of the idea myself.

Come to think of it, I am not much given to specific mentors either.
The woman once asked me if I had any heroes or mentors and then told me I was looking at her like she had two heads.
It was possibly one of of the three times I looked directly at her I was so perplexed by the concept.

Today is my husband's birthday. I'm wondering how that's going for him in prison.

I really should divorce him. It seems like such a daunting task and an emotional mine field for me. I have no idea how to pick a lawyer. It seems harder to pick a lawyer than a therapist. Then I have to figure out what seems fair monetarily to offer him. Nothing? Something? I have no idea. What if my offer just pisses him off and now he's sitting in prison plotting his revenge? What if he decides to fight me and drags me to court? Can he even do that from prison? Does he have access to legal services in prison? I can't deal with all this.