How do I work through strong transference towards a former therapist?

My former therapist had to end therapy with me due to very sad circumstances and there was no time to terminate nor talk through my transference towards her.

Now I´m heartbroken and I miss my therapist a lot. I know part of it is transference and as I didn´t get any referrals and we don´t have such a system where I live I´m now without support.


I've seen a psychiatric nurse for a while and she has some shorter education within psychodynamic therapy but she isn´t licensed.


How do I work through the transference towards my former therapist and how should it be handled in a proper way?

I don't know exactly how you can work through the transference towards your former therapist. Ways I can think of are talking to someone about it, probably a professional, writing in a journal, or otherwise being creative/artistic. Letting the feelings just be. Cry. ((hugs)) I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know what it is like to miss a therapist.

Transference or not, what you are feeling is grief and loss of a relationship. I would treat it the same as a break up with a significant other or the death of a loved one.

Allow yourself time to feel the emotions and heal from the pain. Also try to remember and focus on the positive and good you received from the relationship.

If it is truly transference and you are projecting feelings from someone in your past onto your T, you may want to consider seeing a new T to work through your issues from the past.

In DBT we use a skill called Radical Acceptance. This would be a case where Radical Acceptance is needed to accept the fact that the relationship is over. At the same time it is important to work on self soothing skills.

I wish you the best.

For me, it is a matter of time and processing. I talk about the feelings of loss as well as good memories. I also write emails that never get sent. Often I hear T giving me advice. It works somewhat. I also found PC to be a great support. It stills sucks and is very painful but one day at a time or some days one moment ar a time.

Hugs

Is this transference, grief (or call it whatever) disruptive for you, Sarah? Does it block you from doing your normal things? If not so much, maybe the best strategy is actually not focusing on it and not analyzing it very much. You could potentially take this opportunity to really focus on yourself now that there is no therapy.

Transference, as I understand it and as one definition on the internet puts it, is:

So, in the service of "knowing yourself" and "getting in touch" with your feelings, it could be a "good" thing that you felt those feelings. The challenge is, though, to see if you can remember anything like them from your childhood, and to fully feel and process them and what they meant to you at the time.

However, this process -- my experience of it, anyway -- can be extremely challenging and generate a lot of anxiety and need for support of some sort to replace the support that is now missing from the therapist and, ultimately, at least as far as theory goes, from one's childhood.

Doesn't sound like the psychiatric nurse would be a lot of help. That's too bad, but if that's the way it is, that's the way it is.

the transference isnt about your therapist. its about whoever you transferred it from- your mother?


focus on your relationship with your mother. thats the likely source of the transference.

PurpleBlur, I beg to disagree. There can be many different origins of transference and it can also be that it is not so much transference but a perfectly normal reaction to loss/grief. Telling someone in such a plain and sure way that it is from the mother is not only a potentially superficial/biased look at it, but maybe also misguiding the OP. Sarah's experience might not be about therapist(s) per se, but the T certainly played a role in it. And, in any case, how can you know what it truly means to her?

My transference is sort of related to my mom. I had a wonderful relationship with my and she was an awesome mom. My dad abandoned me as a teen. My mom died young 53 and it was horrible. T became like a mom in that she was the person I could rely on when I struggled or needed parenting help.

Thanks. Yes, I thought of this because I know some therapists specifically deal with ruptured therapies and work through, as far as it is possible, the feelings the client had had towards the former therapist. I can talk to perhaps a priest or similar but I think it then just becomes a matter of how sad it is or how I should value the good times together with my former therapist. But at the same time I don´t have the possibility to search for a T as I can´t pay for therapy.

Thanks. Yes, I think it´s not just longing or grief as part of this stems from a kind of love towards her, not in a sexual way, bot more towards a mother or another close person. I had very similar feelings towards my very first T who I grieved for a very long time.


If it was only the therapeutic work itself, I hadn´t felt this way. It´s not just about transference either but a mix I think. It´s impossible to say what is what in this but I know I have developed those feelings before towards a therapist.

Thanks for support and tips.

Hugs back.

Thanks. Yes, it partly does and as I´ve suppressed feelings earlier in life and just tried to focus on studies and not emotional values I feel it´s important to grieve and to listen to the feelings behind this.


Several things that I wanted to work through weren´t covered as we now had to end abruptly and by that it´s hard to focus on something else. Once again I now have to try to find some way to find someone to talk to even if I won´t do that immediately.

Thanks. I think there´s always transference even if that doesn´t always stem from a point in life that was painful. I did some transference work, or at least one of my former therapists tried to do such work with me, and I just said to her that there is no such traumatic events that we need to just go on and on in circles to find something.


Still there is transference to some extent as my feelings towards my T, a kind of love, isn´t about her as a person as much as what feelings her way of being creates in me. I of course like her as a person, or those parts I see of her, but if she was my colleague or similar I wouldn´t feel such "love" and longing for her.

I know you've written about some of the feelings her way of being created in you, but would you like to write some more about that? And what is about her being your T that was different than if she were a colleague?

So sorry you are in this situation.

If you don’t have options to find help with another therapist right now then I second the suggestion to journal. It’s suprisingly therapeutic and can actually quite successfully help you to see reason and connections in your thoughts.

Time heals all (most) wounds. What helped me as well was reading and reflecting about therapy and realizing how much of a hoax it was. But perhaps you don't want to do that. In any case, time helps. It gradually lessens the pain.

Thanks. I think my feelings for my T contains of a kind of love, respect and admiration. Now when I´m in this deep sorrow my feelings for her aren´t just positive but I´m also angry with her because she puts me through all this. But I still miss her as I know she wanted to do good.


With a colleague you normally don´t share so intimate things, you don´t sit in front of them crying for a whole hour. I think the therapeutic relationship isn´t to be found somewhere else, especially if one lives alone as I do. A total openness can be found in a very close friendship or with a partner but I think many people never dare telling a friend or a partner all those things that they dare tell a therapist.

Thanks. As you I read a lot about therapy and I also try to find similar situations when reading about clients and therapists in different therapeutic settings. I also try to find some kind of meaning to all this and I also look for support by reaching out to help lines and similar.

To me it´s very important to be validated in what I feel and get to know that what my T did was at least partly wrong. I´ve had several therapists, priests and also clients who told me that and not by just agreeing what I told them but by discussing the ethics in what happened.

First off, I am really sorry that you are in pain right now because of the loss of your therapist.

I've read most of your threads and it is my understanding that your last therapy was a mixed experience for you. Some parts of it felt good and were, probably, helpful while some of the things your therapist did caused you pain.

I also understand that your therapist eventually explained to you the reason why she had to terminate the work with you so abruptly. While I am glad she was honest with you, I think, she owes you an apology for this kind of termination. If I remember correctly, she knew that her time with you was supposed to be limited by the rules and, if that's the case, she should've told you about it upfront, in the very beginning. An abrupt, unexpected termination like this one is, actually, an abandonment regardless of the therapist's intentions, and, as such, it is traumatic for the client. So, your anger is perfectly understandable and legitimate. I am not trying to put some harsh judgment on her. I am just saying that it's perfectly normal for anger to come up in this situation together with the pain of the loss and other feelings. I don't want to focus on her wrongdoing because your question is not about that. I am just validating your anger because, I think, it's important for you to accept it as normal.

In terms of how to deal with this right now, I think, it's important to process what went on in therapy and what you are feeling about it now in any way you can.

I wouldn't immediately look for a new therapist though. I think, it's important to give yourself some time to process all this on your own to get some clarity on what you really need at this point of your life in general and what you need to get from therapy specifically. Even though therapy seems like a logical thing to start when you are hurting, in my experience, it's not a good idea to start a new therapy experience right after the previous one ended so traumatically for you. In some way, it's like going on a search for a new relationship immediately after a heartbreaking break up in a hope that a new experience will heal the pain.

Journaling helps in my experience. I also did some self art therapy when I was in crisis. I just basically allowed myself to be a kid and to do whatever I felt like with art supply. I'd dump paint on paper or canvas and play with it, I'd draw child like pictures with markers. Some interesting stuff would come out sometimes that would give me much deeper insight about my state of mind than any convo with a therapist would. Also, I am more fortunate than many people because I have one person in my life who is always willing to lend me an ear whenever I need to talk and that's my husband. But you can use PC as much as you need to process things here. I think, for the time being this will be much safer and healthier for you emotionally than embarking on a new therapy venture.

I also think it's important not to invest into trying to define your current experience as transference or anything else. It doesn't matter what to call it. What matters is that you are hurting and you need to give yourself time and opportunity to heal a little before you are in a good mental place to understand what you need to do next.

Thanks. I appreciate you read my threads.


Yes, it´s correct she knew about the rules and the limit but along the way she said to me that she was employed within the church and by that she could plan her own week. But I think that was mostly some kind of wishful thinking or a way for her to justify that she kept going and not putting an end to it in time.

Also, she wasn´t supposed to give therapy but more of general counselling.

Yes, I agree it´s abandonment and as she gave me a couple of phone calls here during autumn I think I´m going to ask her if the supervisor, who ended it all, or their manager didn´t at all think about me as a client?

I mean, what did they think I should do now? They knew I can´t get more sessions with my therapist nor within that church as they have a limit for the number of sessions given.

Yes, I´m angry with her and also very frustrated and confused about why I as a client didn´t matter in the discussion they had. I mean, as she had already crossed the line, they could have given me at least a month to terminate.

I won´t look for therapy as there are more or less no options. I see a psychiatric nurse and I´ll tell her about what happened as I´ll be too upset and too sad to just sit and pretend this with my therapist hasn´t happened.

Feelings are feelings and I agree it doesn´t help calling it transference even if I know part of it is.