so.. i decided to stay in therapy... and i decided that i needed to address the big issue which i have been avoiding in many ways (although T said that everything we have been doing really relates to it anyway through the underlying stuff in what we have talked about). i asked him to not let me wander far from it for now... that i need to keep working at this or i'll never get through it.

let me say that he is truly a wonderful T.. very nice guy, calm, patient, funny. He's understanding and very smart... very perceptive. He reads stuff i give twice, and does it outside of session time. He is very responsive to phone calls and encourages me to leave voicemails even if i dont want him to call back as he knows i find that helpful. He is closr to me right now than most people ever get... maybe more than anyone truly has. i told him so, and when he asked if there was anyone i told him that lots of people think they know me well but they only get portions of me.

my point is that i am very attached to him even though i have serious issues about T's and caring and stuff. i like him tremendously and do not wish to go someplace else.

having said that... i am worried about an aspect of what we are doing.. he is responsive, he does tell me he understands, that he gets it and very importantly he tells me he's not going anywhere.... all good stuff... but i am dying for some kind of deeper empathetic thing.. i don't know exactly what. He has hit it dead on a couple of times.

thing is i do know how to describe what i need... i do know how to set up the right circumstances for an emotional connection... and that in turn brings out the real me, the me who knows what i have been through and what i truly think and feel. It's not an easy thing to do. i can't tell him though. i cant. If i were able to do that half of why i am here wouldn't exist.

i'm stuck and feel pretty desperate. i need to break through this emotional wall and i cant.. i need someone to be chipping away at it from the other side too.

i dont know what to do.

i dont know if he will figure this all out bit by bit on his own...?? any way i can help him without telling him directly? and no, i cant just write it down either... (flushing head repeatedly)

the other side of this.. maybe he wont understand, even if i said it directly. Maybe he isn't that sort of T, you know? i don't know what he would do if i cried.. i mean, i know he wouldn't run sceaming or anything, but i dont know how he would react. Would he talk the same or more softly? Would he sit the same or lean closer?

if he can never meet me half way in this emotional gap i may simply have to leave therapy. i have a hole in my heart that i nee to learn how to close, but to do it someone has to be able to touch it.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Gerber,

Happy Thanksgiving!

I can't tell you how to close the emotional gap. I can only tell you my own experiences with this issue.

There have been times (and still are) I want to tell T something and I have felt that sort of bursting at the seems feeling that you describe when I want so bad to share but can't find the words or the courage.

Some things I have tried are telling him dreams; writing him letters. Once I had a really intense session and called afterward and told him something on the machine. I also get to therapy a few minutes early and spend some time in my car or in the waiting room just breathing and centering myself so I am more relaxed when I go into the room.

When I feel I have something to share but just can't manage to I think it's a message from my inner self to wait. The right moment will present itself.

Breathe. Take your time. Allow yourself to know when you are ready.

Good luck.

(((((((((((Gerber)))))))))))))))))
I am feeling empty myself, so I unfortunately do not have any answers for you I think it just takes time. It is difficult, though, to be in pain and not to know when it will end. You are not alone! Take care of yourself

[sunrise]

gerber, I am glad you have chosen to stay in therapy.

I think when you are ready to share the big thing, you will. Focusing on it a lot can actually make it harder. Maybe just try to have a couple of laid back sessions where you talk about other things, and wait for this thing to be ready to come out and be shared with your T. I have had some hard things to share, and my T was very patient, and told me not to force it, and that he appreciated my ambivalence about sharing. No pressure. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Just let things be and they will happen when the time is right.
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i am dying for some kind of deeper empathetic thing.. i don't know exactly what. He has hit it dead on a couple of times.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">If it's happened before, then it will happen again. It is wonderful you are able to have these moments sometimes with your T.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i don't know what he would do if i cried.. i mean, i know he wouldn't run sceaming or anything, but i dont know how he would react.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Maybe you can relieve your anxiety about this by asking him what he would do if you cried.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i have a hole in my heart that i nee to learn how to close, but to do it someone has to be able to touch it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

thank you sister

i feel the need to cry and i can't. i know i need to, i told him that today at least... that i wish to god i could have a melt down just to release some of the pressure. what i want is for him to help me do that but i cant ask.. i dance around and hint but i dont ask. He's smart and he knows better than to push me... he's really in a bind i guess. i'm guarded and i'm skittish... it doesn't take much to have me retreat.

i want him to lean closer, soften and lower his tone.. i want him to try to catch my gaze.... i want him to talk directly to that part of me that's shaking with fear and pain. i don't want him to say "i understand" i want him to look directly at me and deliberately say "gerber, i understand."

i am dying to have someone hold me so i could just release this tension and cry. i know he can't do that. i don't expect it.. but i do so wish i could express what i need emotionally from him. You dont have to have someone physically cradle you to feel held.

thanks soliaree and sunrise. You guys posted while i was fretting over my response to sister.

he knows what the issue is.. but i think you're right, i think he would say the same thing, not to force it. i am just tired of suffering. i have been on my knees for so long... my face in the muck... it's hard to just wait to get up. Then again... maybe it's like what happened after the accident i had... laying down i was in pain but i really wanted to get up and move but if i lifted myself up too far the pain became unbearable, i had to wait as i healed bit by bit. Laying like that for months was so hard even if it was for the better.

sunrise, that is a good point... i should ask him what he would do. i wonder if it could lead to good things maybe..? i worry it would give me stage fright if that makes any sense... like crying would be more of a big deal than it was already... yeah, i'm a freak like that.

thank you for the hug... i need those.

[chaotic13]

Gerber--Thank you!
In your posts you seem express some of what I am going through but just don't seem to be able to put it into words. All I can say is that I'm struggling with wanting (needing?) to express myself on an emotional level not only in therapy but in real relationships. The frustration of not being able to break through my inhibitions and let myself actually acknowledge my feelings and then express them to someone is driving me nuts. It is hard not to force it. I feel like if I could let myself go and let out what I am feeling I wouldn't need to be going to therapy anymore. I wouldn't need to put myself through all this discomfort wanting this deeper empathetic thing but not really knowing what it is that I really want.

Gerber, it think is was great that you were able to tell him that you felt like you wanted or need to cry. The fact that you are brave enough to admit that you need to cry seems to me like you are actively chipping away at the wall.

you're welcome mckell

it' s hard isn't it? this feeling of longing... it was created back when no one held us when we should have been held. No one taught how to feel secure... the opposite happened and we are left needy. i want to fix that, but i don't want to go from needing desperately to complete self reliance in one step... T says he doesn't expect that either... but what i want is to be able to get that need met through him for now... i need him to reach in through the wall and touch my hand.. let me know he's really there. i want him to make it safe to cry, to be vulnerable. i want him to hold me emotionally... just for now. i want this as a tool and not as a crutch. i just need.. long for that emotional contact.