[Soybeans]

I'm struggling with trust issues and abandonment issues and trauma, and weekly sessions have been working better for me because I don't have as much time to convince myself to stop trusting my T or freak out or pull away, but it's not really that feasible financially so I want to go down to once every other week at some point. My friend sees the same T once every 3 weeks, we were in the same inpatient group therapy at the hospital together, and she's older and I thought I would ask her for some advice. She said that he feels comfortable with him and just told me that I have to put in the work between sessions and do the homework assigned until you see him again. Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but it felt really invalidating... And I also feel like I'm defective or there's something wrong with me that I can't just do what she does. I mean everyone probably has a hard time spilling all their secrets and deepest thoughts, so why am I being a big baby about it?

i'm sorry you're feeling defective, you're not, you're you! there's no cookie-cutter time frames with this stuff. each of us is different... it takes as long as it takes for each of us. not that i'm immune to these feelings. i struggle with thinking i should be done by now. i've been seeing current t for 7 years next month (with some breaks here and there of varying length) i went weekly sometimes twice weekly for the first year, then she moved out of state and we did phone sessions sometimes weekly, mostly every 2 weeks, for 3 years then she moved back and i'm seeing her in person again, most of that time's been every 2 weeks but i've been going weekly again since early august.

you do you, what's right for you. oh and you're not a big baby either. y'know that's a biggie for me as well - i am always on here accusing myself of being a big baby. So i'm saying this to myself as well. we are not big babies. this work is hard, so hard, and we are strong and brave to be doing it.

hugs to you if that's ok.

[Anne2.0]

The problem when you ask people what they think is that they might just tell you. But I guess I'd say that part of what I think most of us need to do is care less about what other people say. Without trying to get you to think that now you can't just "care less" like I suggested, I think it's normal to be "sensitive" when you feel like you're being criticized, especially around therapy. That seems to be something of a theme around here, including people who criticize that others are critical, and then the chains in the critical circle go around and around.

My T always told me that to be cautious about "spilling secrets" and sharing "deepest thoughts" in therapy was a smart choice. What I came to understand about my process of doing this is that I had two opposing forces inside me: one to take a leap of faith that talking about it was going to help, and the other that I could be harmed, by the telling or by my T's reaction. I think he might have also been suggesting that to think about whether this is the right time to reveal something painful rather than just blurting stuff out randomly was a good thing. Lately I feel that most things are better when I can be responsive rather than reactive.

So I think what you're talking about doing in therapy is actually really difficult. That other people *may* be able to do it (and who knows about whether your friend has in fact done it, or at what level) has nothing to do with you and it certainly doesn't mean you are defective. Someone older may find it easier to do or maybe she's been at it longer. Doesn't matter. Don't compare yourself to other people and try to let go of the negativity associated with someone sounding critical.

And if weekly sessions are better for you, by all means do them. Spending the money on you and your health is well worth it.

Trying to compare one person's therapy experience to another is like trying to compare apples and oranges.

We all have our own 'stuff', traumas and needs.

I am always amazed at people who can go through therapy aloof like it's a doctor's appointment. Then there's me, experiencing therapy as intense and excruciating with high-transference and high-dependence. We're all really different!

[Soybeans]

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

i'm sorry you're feeling defective, you're not, you're you! there's no cookie-cutter time frames with this stuff. each of us is different... it takes as long as it takes for each of us. not that i'm immune to these feelings. i struggle with thinking i should be done by now. i've been seeing current t for 7 years next month (with some breaks here and there of varying length) i went weekly sometimes twice weekly for the first year, then she moved out of state and we did phone sessions sometimes weekly, mostly every 2 weeks, for 3 years then she moved back and i'm seeing her in person again, most of that time's been every 2 weeks but i've been going weekly again since early august.

you do you, what's right for you. oh and you're not a big baby either. y'know that's a biggie for me as well - i am always on here accusing myself of being a big baby. So i'm saying this to myself as well. we are not big babies. this work is hard, so hard, and we are strong and brave to be doing it.

hugs to you if that's ok.

Thank you <3 I know I have definitely had therapy longer than my friend and I've delved way deeper into stuff than she has because I've had more sessions. I have to remind myself that I can't compare >..< Everyone's journey is different.

[Soybeans]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

The problem when you ask people what they think is that they might just tell you. But I guess I'd say that part of what I think most of us need to do is care less about what other people say. Without trying to get you to think that now you can't just "care less" like I suggested, I think it's normal to be "sensitive" when you feel like you're being criticized, especially around therapy. That seems to be something of a theme around here, including people who criticize that others are critical, and then the chains in the critical circle go around and around.

My T always told me that to be cautious about "spilling secrets" and sharing "deepest thoughts" in therapy was a smart choice. What I came to understand about my process of doing this is that I had two opposing forces inside me: one to take a leap of faith that talking about it was going to help, and the other that I could be harmed, by the telling or by my T's reaction. I think he might have also been suggesting that to think about whether this is the right time to reveal something painful rather than just blurting stuff out randomly was a good thing. Lately I feel that most things are better when I can be responsive rather than reactive.

So I think what you're talking about doing in therapy is actually really difficult. That other people *may* be able to do it (and who knows about whether your friend has in fact done it, or at what level) has nothing to do with you and it certainly doesn't mean you are defective. Someone older may find it easier to do or maybe she's been at it longer. Doesn't matter. Don't compare yourself to other people and try to let go of the negativity associated with someone sounding critical.

And if weekly sessions are better for you, by all means do them. Spending the money on you and your health is well worth it.

My T tells me that it makes sense that I have trouble trusting people and am terrified of attachment given my trauma history. I guess to me I always minimize that trauma and think I should be 'over' it by now >.< It's true, she doesn't know my history, she doesn't know what I've been through, and vice versa. We are different people after all.

[Soybeans]

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

Trying to compare one person's therapy experience to another is like trying to compare apples and oranges.

We all have our own 'stuff', traumas and needs.

I am always amazed at people who can go through therapy aloof like it's a doctor's appointment. Then there's me, experiencing therapy as intense and excruciating with high-transference and high-dependence. We're all really different!

It's funny because my previous T I never developed transference or attachment or dependence, and it was exactly that, aloof and like going to a doctor's appointment, and ironically we didn't get nearly as much work done in the 6 years I saw her than the few months I saw this recent T...

[ElectricManatee]

I think you're falling into the trap of assuming your friend is doing therapy the "right" way and thus you must be doing something wrong. Some people go to therapy to share on a very surface level and don't risk opening up about deep, painful things. For them, therapy probably isn't that hard and doesn't hurt as much but might also be less likely to help them make big changes. It's easy to not miss something you haven't allowed to become important to you.

My T has often said that people who are low-maintenance "good" clients who do what they think they're supposed to and never push back or ask for things or get upset can sometimes be the most frustrating clients to work with. They don't open themselves up to change or to taking risks, and she feels less able to help them because of it. So maybe you're having trouble precisely because you're doing something right.

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I think you're falling into the trap of assuming your friend is doing therapy the "right" way and thus you must be doing something wrong. Some people go to therapy to share on a very surface level and don't risk opening up about deep, painful things. For them, therapy probably isn't that hard and doesn't hurt as much but might also be less likely to help them make big changes. It's easy to not miss something you haven't allowed to become important to you.

My T has often said that people who are low-maintenance "good" clients who do what they think they're supposed to and never push back or ask for things or get upset can sometimes be the most frustrating clients to work with. They don't open themselves up to change or to taking risks, and she feels less able to help them because of it. So maybe you're having trouble precisely because you're doing something right.

I like this a lot!! Thank you!! Esp the last part!

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

Trying to compare one person's therapy experience to another is like trying to compare apples and oranges.

We all have our own 'stuff', traumas and needs.

I am always amazed at people who can go through therapy aloof like it's a doctor's appointment. Then there's me, experiencing therapy as intense and excruciating with high-transference and high-dependence. We're all really different!

I so relate to your "then there's me" ! That's so me, too!

[Taylor27]

Everyones therapy is different. I have been in therapy for 17 years. There is no right way to do therapy. It's hard to not compare ourselves to someone else, i used to compare myself to a friend, but all it did was get me down. Hugs.

[SlumberKitty]

I don't think you are being a big baby. It is hard telling secrets and deepest thoughts. And it is hard to trust someone to be helpful. I don't think your friend meant to be invalidating, just saying what your friend thinks is helpful for them, but it doesn't mean it is helpful for you. Your journey is going to take as long as it needs to take. Keep at it and don't compare other people's experience in therapy to your own. Each is unique and different. ((hugs)) if you want them.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I think you're falling into the trap of assuming your friend is doing therapy the "right" way and thus you must be doing something wrong. Some people go to therapy to share on a very surface level and don't risk opening up about deep, painful things. For them, therapy probably isn't that hard and doesn't hurt as much but might also be less likely to help them make big changes. It's easy to not miss something you haven't allowed to become important to you.

My T has often said that people who are low-maintenance "good" clients who do what they think they're supposed to and never push back or ask for things or get upset can sometimes be the most frustrating clients to work with. They don't open themselves up to change or to taking risks, and she feels less able to help them because of it. So maybe you're having trouble precisely because you're doing something right.

Thank you for sharing this. I also would agree that “good” and “low maintenance patients” could also be frustrating to a good T. And I disallow the distorted thought that anyone who isn’t perfect is defective. What a load of bull. Not about anyone here, it’s more a feeling I have of how some irl wrongly perceive “reality”

[NP_Complete]

I can relate to what you're saying. I had a trauma a little over a year ago and I've been seeing my therapist 3 times a week since then. I've struggled a bit with how often I go and considered cutting back to twice a week. But then I realize I'm still struggling; I often need a 10 minute phone call on the weekends with him. I struggle with needing that extra contact with him. But it's where I'm at right now.

I also vacillate about where I'm at. I constantly beat myself up for not being over what happened yet. Some days it feels like it wasn't that big of a deal and other days it feels like the world tilted on its axis. I often wonder if I'm just weak because I let this thing get to me so badly and wonder how other people would have reacted to it.

If you're at a place where you need once a week therapy, there's nothing wrong with that. It's hard not to compare yourself to others, but it's really not productive.

[Soybeans]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I think you're falling into the trap of assuming your friend is doing therapy the "right" way and thus you must be doing something wrong. Some people go to therapy to share on a very surface level and don't risk opening up about deep, painful things. For them, therapy probably isn't that hard and doesn't hurt as much but might also be less likely to help them make big changes. It's easy to not miss something you haven't allowed to become important to you.

My T has often said that people who are low-maintenance "good" clients who do what they think they're supposed to and never push back or ask for things or get upset can sometimes be the most frustrating clients to work with. They don't open themselves up to change or to taking risks, and she feels less able to help them because of it. So maybe you're having trouble precisely because you're doing something right.

Thank you for really putting the words into what I was doing. I am definitely assuming that the less you have to see your T and the more you can handle yourself the more 'right' you are with therapy and the 'better' you are at it. I 1000% thought that the low-maintaince clients are the ideal perfect clients, do what they're told, listen and don't push back, consistently complete homework and progress is a nice linear line. I never thought about it as taking risks, I like that idea because I'm so risk-averse in my real life.

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I don't think you are being a big baby. It is hard telling secrets and deepest thoughts. And it is hard to trust someone to be helpful. I don't think your friend meant to be invalidating, just saying what your friend thinks is helpful for them, but it doesn't mean it is helpful for you. Your journey is going to take as long as it needs to take. Keep at it and don't compare other people's experience in therapy to your own. Each is unique and different. ((hugs)) if you want them.

Yes, all the hugs pleaseeeee

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I can relate to what you're saying. I had a trauma a little over a year ago and I've been seeing my therapist 3 times a week since then. I've struggled a bit with how often I go and considered cutting back to twice a week. But then I realize I'm still struggling; I often need a 10 minute phone call on the weekends with him. I struggle with needing that extra contact with him. But it's where I'm at right now.

I also vacillate about where I'm at. I constantly beat myself up for not being over what happened yet. Some days it feels like it wasn't that big of a deal and other days it feels like the world tilted on its axis. I often wonder if I'm just weak because I let this thing get to me so badly and wonder how other people would have reacted to it.

If you're at a place where you need once a week therapy, there's nothing wrong with that. It's hard not to compare yourself to others, but it's really not productive.

Yes, some days I'm like look how well I'm doing, I'm fine, I feel good, I don't need therapy, and then other days it feels like the breath is crushed out of me and everything hurts and the idea of continuing life seems impossible.