Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I miss you so much. I just want to see you again.

so... I fell in a trench hole they dug outside at work to lay pipes. it was before sunrise yesterday, so it was dark. I didnt know it was there. anyway I can barely walk now. my boss gave me some crutches

my mom offered me a pain pill last night

I said no.

Nice work saying no! So sorry you fell; that sounds scary in the dark like that.

I originally just wanted to get you the book "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" for Christmas but added two others to qualify for free delivery. I hope you actually like it even though it's an odd choice.

Maybe this isn't the time to challenge your thinking, but broad strokes about therapy and how it benefits me have been on my mind. You say the "human mind," but there isn't any real evidence this is true outside yourself. In fact many people, including those who have stated such on this board, find it easier to confide and be emotionally intimate with a therapist than with people in real life. Because you don't have to take care of them hearing about your struggles, unlike a therapist. Because the therapist is bound by confidentiality, and many friends and family members aren't even when you ask. And if just intimacy and expressing it were the issue, everyone with a partner, like you, wouldn't need therapy or find it useful.

I've had the experience most of my life where strangers and others tell me things they wouldn't tell their own partners. On an airplane, in the grocery store line, waiting for a public event, in the waiting room of my therapist's office, etc etc. Often I hear "I've never told anyone this before." Some of this is my field of work, violence against women and children, and when people hear this, they sometimes tell me about their molestations and other forms of family violence. But this has happened as long as I can remember, strangers or near strangers confiding in me, and I know other people have the same experience. Perhaps the human mind is more oriented towards intimate connection than you believe, and research by Pennebaker (who has demonstrated that journaling as well as oral confiding in people besides therapists is positive for one's mental health. It's quite possible this difficulty you identify exists inside your own mind.

It's possible to theorize and split hairs about the differences between the therapy "bond" and a "normal" bond and use it to defend against dealing with one's issues in therapy. And surely the parental "bond" is different than the "partner" bond but that doesn't mean each one isn't exactly what you need.

If you consider the possibility that the way you are constructing therapy or your therapy and raise it as something to work on, this might be interesting ground to explore. If you take therapy and the therapist out of the equation, one question is why is it so difficult for me to be intimate?

Assuming you want it to be different; perhaps this is working for you in just the way you want. Anything about you is changeable; anything about "therapy" is not. While I am quite aware that therapy isn't for everyone and there's nothing wrong with choosing to not deal with any issues you don't want to, doing so with deliberate intention rather than relying on some trumped up fact about therapy that isn't the case seems like a better path. IMO. And IME, as I've never benefited from avoiding issues or seeing things for other than what they are. Sometimes it is very difficult to confront the fact that I'm wrong, which happens quite a bit inside and outside of therapy. Especially when giving up my cherished beliefs requires me to work on myself.

Yikes, I'm sorry you fell, JDNA. And good for you for not accepting the pain pill.

He admitted that he is sad and having a hard time but he's been through many losses in his life so it's easier in some ways, he also admitted that yes there was a different connection he felt with me than anyone else.... he just didn't want to because he said, and now you will ask why we can't be friends or keep in touch but it's not you, its' my professional boundary i keep.

He said I am more than welcome to contact him in 2 years and he will keep his linked in updated etc.

You were like, we see each other again in 3 days! With a smile. I was like "So what? Next week will be hell for me" I truly don't think you get it. Yes I'm happy for you, yes I get your crazy paranoia has freaked you out about "rules" now.... and yes I get you have more experience than me so it's easier but I'm not sure you have tried even a little, to be in my position and understand the hell that this has caused for me. Hopefully next week you will try. We have 2 days left to try and understand each other the best we can before this all comes crashing down

I wish you were here so I could talk to you. I need your advice. I don't know why you thought I could do this life thing without you.

So sorry Raine...I know it sucks. We get through it one painful day at a time and hope one day it will get a bit easier.

I know this may not sound comforting but it really helps me to think back to the things she said over the years. We discussed so many topics that I can apply her advice to current situations. It helps a little and at this point even a little is better than nothing.

Dear T1 🖕😐🖕

Dear T,

I didn't come to you so you could TAKE OVER MY LIFE!!

All I wanted was some help......my mistake...

...I miss you.

I’m so confused...

Wow.

I just...thank you. As I process what came up at the last session, I realized a lot of my initial emotional reaction was because it stomped on a pretty big nerve. After a few deep breaths, I can recognize that THIS isn't THAT. But it sure brought up a lot around what it was like to be in couples therapy with the kids' dad.

I suddenly realize how tricky that must have been for you then, all of the things you could see before I could, and I suddenly recognized in a new way, looking back, some of the ways you created a measure of protection and safety for me. That safe space, that bit of cushion offered me the boost up that I needed to start moving toward this place where I can even look back with this distance and perspective.

I know I've said this before, but why am I still nauseated at this point? (not pregnant) This is one thing that I just can't take physically. If I'm not better tomorrow I guess I will visit the doctor. All I can be mindful now of is how much my stomach hurts, so I guess my job is to accept it. I am still reading the mindful book. I am frustrated that I can't feel normal. I have no energy, None. But Christmas stuff to do. Bah Humbug, I guess.

2 more hugs left. That's it, potentially forever. I just can't handle this. I thought you were better than this, I never thought you would hurt me this much

It would be odd to spend the last session of the year discussing risks and benefits of entering a poetry contest, right?

I cried outside your office again. Did you see me? Do you know how much I miss you?

T: sometimes you are so weird, lol. but thanks.

Dear R,

I woke up today and the first thing I decided to do was cancel the Christmas present I ordered from Amazon.I don't want to be nice. I don't have to be nice.

Creepy guy wants to study with me today.I'd rather just be on my own.

I bought the book you recommended.

And also, I can do fine while still smoking and drinking.

That's that, I suppose.

What would you actually do if I broke down sobbing in your office?
If you seemed unaffected and just used your empathetic therapist voice I'd be mortified and deeply ashamed

I don't know if you actually care enough to feel upset by the stuff I tell you. I know you've heard a lot worse. But if you're feeling something could you please let it show?
I know there are a million reasons I've told you that I need you to not react emotionally. But I do trust you to be responsible for handling your own emotions by this point.

Emotion from you would make it feel less embarrassing. It would make me feel like I was allowed to be emotional.
You bring up how I'd react to someone else describing having had these experiences. If you're feeling anything like how you've pointed out I would feel, please just let it show. Not all the time, but once.
It would help me feel like I'm allowed to let it matter.

(this is one of the things I will never actually tell you. Because there's a chance you're not controlling your own emotional reaction for my benefit, you just don't feel that strongly about it/me. And I don't think I could handle you telling me that, no matter how kind you tried to be about it)

I changed my mind.



Studying with creepy guy at the coffee shop didn't go so well. He wanted to start surgery, which I've already completed. I wanted to do pharmacology. But he wanted me to teach him, instead of working independently and kept asking me questions less than every 5 mins which started to irritate me. "what's an autoclave, what's strangulation (context bowel strangulation) ".

Then he sensed that I was getting frustrated, so he left to sit on another table and I didn't stop him.