Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Thank you for being safe no matter what. It feels good to know I can probably trust you.

Yeah, I think it's more that he admitted to me that he hadn't really thought about it. Which makes sense in a way, because it sometimes seems like he's pulling his parting words from a random generator... I know I tend to pay more attention than the average person to things like that--I think it's part of my hypervigilance that's part of anxiety. I'm that way with body language, too. So I suspect most of his other clients wouldn't even think about it. And the only reason I mentioned it is that he happened to use the same phrase as ex-MC.

I think we should terminate. I'm sorry. I know you've tried, but I don't think you can help me. I've tried too. I don't think anyone can help me. I'm too messed up to feel safe in therapy, and I can't get anywhere if I can't feel safe. I know you say it comes with time, but it's been almost three years. Sessions just hurt, and there's no reprieve. I'm not getting better. I think it's time to give up.

What would you say if I told you today is my birthday? Especially after the waste of time session we had yesterday.



I want to text or call or see you. I want to ask for a hug. I’ll be good though. You’ll forget about me until Monday.

I haven't emailed or texted you all week. Every time I was tempted, I asked myself if this could wait until I see you again. I'm pretty proud of myself. It's taken a lot of restraint, but I'm trying really hard not to email you 20 times a day.

You know, seinfeld did a bit about this, but about bf/gf, not ts. "Take care! Meaning, YOU take care of YOU, because i will no longer be around, to take care of you. So... you take care..."

Thank you

T2,

Holy serious ****.

I'll probably tell you this tonight during our session but

I feel so painfully sad today. I am so tired of this shame I carry around. I don't know if how I handled the issue yesterday was idiotic or okay. I just feel so utterly sad and depressed that I can't just go to work and do what I have to do and then leave. I'm tired of being so emotional. I want to be more Spock-like. I am in so much emotional pain inside and there's nothing I can do. I feel like I am on the verge of tears or a break-down. Why am I so disordered? My ego voice won't stop heckling me with an air horn. This was one of my favorite statements from 10% Happier.

😍😍😍😍😍👌👌👌

oh no

...

Wow, Tony the Tiger T, why am I missing you? I don't even really know you yet. I guess the 5th is coming pretty soon, IDK...it's just like I find myself wanting to talk to you. I'm sure that feeling will pass by the time the session actually comes and then I'll be sitting there like an idiot and you'll probably be thinking I'm an idiot. All will be normal then. Kit.

The whole thing with my old best friends today:

Still here because they basically refused to let me leave until I get evaluated because of how severe my SH is. Took a decent amount of time to stop the bleeding. The nurse and doctor were actually really nice last night esp the nurse. So now I'm just waiting for the person to hurry up so I can't get home to my kids...I really don't want my daughter to miss preschool because of me.

(((SheHulk07)))

missyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyou

I keep coming back to two moments from last night. It's crazy that I saw you less than 24 hours ago.

"I don't want you to sit here and think that I'm doing this extra work to get rid of you more quickly."
"Wow, I wasn't thinking that before, but now that you said it..."

"Tell me I'm wrong, VN. Adult you probably agrees that this is a good plan, child you is feeling abandoned, neglected, and hurt, and teenage you just wants everyone to go F themselves."
"Yep, sounds about right. "

I wonder how you're going to feel when I see you next about the events of the last 24 hours.

Thanks for proving how little you do actually care about me and that I am right and people should never be trusted. You are supposed to help and you only hurt. I'm over it all.

Are you going to email me back? I think you're not, but I keep waiting. Is it because I said I wanted to terminate? I think I left you with nothing left to reply. I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you. I know it's not your fault. I know you tried. I did too. I think I'm just unfixable. I can't connect. I can't feel your empathy. My defenses are too strong, and I don't know how to lower them. I'm too ****ed up for therapy. I haven't felt this hopeless in a very long time.

I’m really worried about the comment you made last week about there being problems between us. I don’t want to go down that road with you. Let’s just pretend you never said it, ok?

Albatross, Blue bird, crow...dogbird? Eagle, finch, goose, hawk, ibis, junco, kingfisher, loon, mourning dove, nighthawk, owl...Portishead? Quail, Roadrunner, starling...turn? Tern?...Umbrella Bird? Vulture. Warbler...X-ray bird? Yakbird? Zebrabird?

please help me