Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Dear T,
F you. Seriously. Guess I can tell you that in person in an hour, though I'll probably put it a bit more eloquently. Perhaps I can put that in my "narrative."

I'm not sure I can see you anymore after this. The worst part is, I don't think you'll be capable of understanding why.

LT

I just realized something, t. That last night we did together what I couldn't do by myself. How beautiful is that?

I am feeling off in that kind of immeasurable way at this anniversary time of year and the change in weather. Trying very hard to do good self care but I feel disconnected from myself and everyone around me. Reaching out and doing things to alter this but it can't come soon enough. I know when you ask me direct questions in session that I'm faltering.

Dear T,
I guess I feel a bit differently now that we've talked in person. (Damn it, did you have to be wearing the glasses today? Sigh...) Still trying to figure out if a break would do me some good. Or seeing someone else for a bit. But then you made some really good points about some things today, too. Contemplating just taking all of next week off, but then it's also close to the holidays, so might still want to see you once (but not twice). Will ponder, since it sounded like you didn't expect the couple slots to fill up right away.
Love (I think?),
LT

I wonder if you ever have days when you question pretty much everything. Is it really snowing right now even though the sky is cold blue and the sun is shining so clearly in all my windows? Or is it the snow from yesterday blowing off the trees. At the edge of the lake when it's dark, it looks like the moon is rising into the sky from the water. Okay, that one is a little easier, I know it's the moon reflecting in the water and I've seen a gazillion things reflected in the water, including myself.

I have the urge to pack it all in, disconnect the phones, and hide out until whatever this thing is --it feels like the evil eye--has passed.

This is the last Friday you will ever be in my life
I hate everything. Thanks for making the choice to cut me outta your life and show me how worthless I really am

I WILL show up next time I schedule an appointment no matter what it takes.Even if that means calling you from the parking lot and begging you to go out and get me and walk me in.

Thank you T for being a part of my life even though you are no longer on earth. I once again got stuck in that place of feeling like I wish I was dead and that once my youngest is out of school next year they will no longer need me. Emdr T and and I discussed it and she said some helpful things then I heard your voice reminding me that my kids will always need me just as I still need my mom. My mom fought to stay alive. If I were to take my life my kids will likely feel like they were not important enough to live for. So they would feel like I do since being abandoned by my dad. I know you and and your wisdom will always be with me. I just wish it weren't so painful.

It also helps knowing that pdoc is back at work and seeing people. Losing my 2 major supporters (from a processional standpoint) in one year would having been horrific

Very thankful for you and Emdr T.

Still trying to figure out if I should write that published article like I have been asked??

I'm hoping you'll say the things that make me feel comforted and supported and cared about
Wanting those things makes me feel dirty

That was a good enough session. But I didn't talk about what I wanted to, and felt rushed out at the end. It's not a good feeling.

You £ucking idiot. "No thank you" means "God, yes, I want that from you more than anything". How did you ever qualify? Did you skip MindReading class?

I am in a similar position LT. Well, only in that I have had a small rupture with my T and I too am thinking about taking a break until after the holidays. I don't want to but I do. I can't take the pain that comes from the rupture and the therapy relationship anymore and have had enough. Staying is just too painful but leaving and taking a short break seems like it would just mean more pain of a different type. There doesn't seem to be a way out of it!

Sorry you're dealing with something similar...One of the topics we discussed today is whether the pain and turmoil I experience as times as part of the therapy are worth it. Is it ultimately helping me, a means to an end? Or is it just causing me more misery at times? I am making some progress (both he and I confirm this), but, like, at what cost? As I mentioned in session today, I think I tend to drink more on days that I have therapy than any other day of the week. And I was awake for a while last night thinking about things with T--had I not talked about what I did in session yesterday, I could have had a good night's sleep (well, aside from my D waking me up a couple times...)

I ended up deciding to just see him Wed. of next week (instead of Mon. and Thurs.), then regular schedule the week after, because of the holidays coming up (which is a stressful time for me). I imagine I'll only see him once a week during the actual holidays, too (he'll be in town and working some days each week). And this is a bad time of year to look for new T...

Feel free to PM me, too, if you want to discuss more.

I think you might do well to look at the bigger picture. You sound tangled up in the arrangements for seeing him over the next few weeks rather than stepping back and considering all your options. Your priority does not need to be when and how soon you can see him. You would survive a break and the opportunity to find a new therapist could be re-focusing and positive.

Oh, I know. The issue right now for me is the holidays are coming up, and it's a stressful time for me. And probably also a bad time to try a new T (like I could maybe see one once, then it would be holidays, so it's not like I could really get support at that point). So it's like I want to get through the end of the year/very beginning of next with T, then reevaluate from there.

And I was discussing a lot of the bigger picture with him today. I just need to think about everything more and process it. He's totally fine and understanding if I want to take a break, either from therapy in general or to see a different T, then come back (or not). As he put it today, he's not going to immediately throw my file in the trash and lock the door--he's not going anywhere.

There was a lot of good stuff today, too, some really productive conversation. I just need to let it settle more. And I suspect I'll want to discuss more with him, hence my wanting to get on his schedule (well, I already was on his schedule, but I wanted to switch it around because Monday seems too soon).

I'm willing to bet everything I own that you won't contact me about scheduling like you said you would. Why do I care so much (apart from the obvious)?

I'm in this place too. I wonder if the holidays are exerting some kind of emotional pressure on already pressured spaces and relationships? I had the talk with my T too that for every week I trust hm there are ten I leave the session and fear gathers like cloud cover in my mind, and he is never there , having moved on to the next client. It's just hard for the human mind to confide intimately in someone who isn't an intimate. There is no such thing as a commodified heart-to-heart talk, and in therapy, only one heart os talking and the other one is doing a job. It's a paradox bc therapy requires more vulnerability, but that vulnerability doesn't engender a "normal" bond. One person is trying to evolve in life and one person is trying to evolve as a professional ( best case scenario if not coasting or distracted or burned out). I do so adore my T, and it just hurts bc he occupies now more of my attention than my real SO. Ugg.

This makes me feel sick to my stomach if he did this, let you bond with him without correcting you. I just only had the experience of my T pretending to love dogs along with me, until one wandered in the office and horror came over his face. That is NOTHING compared to this. This is a serious breech of your trust.

Isn't this what some T's hope to do though? By not telling us stuff about themselves it is hoped that we will create a fantasy of them and thus keep us in therapy or something like that

I am the same. The feelings for my T have overtaken those that I have for my SO who I love very much and have a good relationship with the majority of the time. That is madness!

Thankfully you weren't an absolute *** today. Unfortunately, it's not going to work. I'll try out the one referral, but I'm not jazzed with what I saw about her.

I hate this whole situation but thank you for admitting the feelings. Thank you for agreeing to stuff in 2 years, Thank you for agreeing to the fun things next week. I really have no idea how I'm gonna do this... this sort of this is exactly why I keep people distant. When you love someone, when you feel close to them, hurt always comes.

Hey T,

I thought about it a bit more. I think you're right, that we ought to talk about how what I want most from therapy is to feel held and contained.

[Just for the record, I don't have any desire for you to physically touch me, and never have. I know that isn't on the table anyway for, like, six million reasons, but just thought I ought to make that clear. I'm not totally sure why I have wanted that from some previous therapists (as well as other people in my life who inhabited pseudo-parental roles-- professors/bosses/etc.) but don't want it from you. It isn't just gender, though that does make the "eff no" factor that much more intense... I think it might be that I still don't entirely trust you to take care of me without saying something that will make me feel worse, or that you're only like 10 years older than I am? Unclear.]

So I think I'm going to have to ask you to keep me accountable to talking about that. At the end of today's session I said, "I'm going to need help" regarding talking about what I want and need. But you seem the type who would prefer for me to ask you for help rather than telling you I need help (I dunno if it's about Being Vulnerable With Your Therapist or Being Able To Ask For Help or maybe just this infinite power struggle we seem to be in). So I'm going to try to remember to do that. I suppose I could email you right this second so that I don't have the option of forgetting or chickening out but I dunno I'd rather not unless I absolutely have to.

-c

This must be very difficult for you DP. Did he share positive feelings with you? I am glad he was able to be more honest with you and that you seem to have found some solace in a terribly abrupt ending.

Ugh I just want to feel better. I want to stop crying every time I think of you. Tomorrow will be 6 months since you left this earth. Whenever I use to feel like this you would always say we would get throug it together. I need you.