Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

T,
You don't know how much pain/agony I have been in. You said, "Are you afraid of getting better?" I'm afraid of losing you, but my symptoms are real. I was hoping disability or FMLA would get me out of a painful situation if I needed it. I was hoping that someone would actually see how terrifying/painful it is and care enough to get me out of the situation. Such a childish thought. Sometimes it devastates me that other people know how things affect me and yet they don't do anything about it. I guess this is my rescue dream.

If I ever get to the point like I did in my previous jobs where I just can't take it, I will just quit and let the cards fall where they may. I KNOW when I can't take anymore. I hope to never get there again, but if I do, at that point I will be telling other people what I am doing. I will no longer wait for someone to save me. And I will no longer allow anyone else to determine whether or not I stay at work. If I end up in a women's shelter, than so be it. If I end up on the streets, then so be it. Or whatever. I refuse to put myself through what I have been through before, it is too damaging.

I have definitely made progress, as I am a lot better equipped to handle things. My paranoia has disappeared for the moment. You are helping me tons and I appreciate it. There is still a painful, emotional part of me that I suspect will be with me forever.

u do this at the worst times

Thank you for my session yesterday. It felt good that you were proud of me for my five weeks SH Free. You seem to think I'm "relatively stable" IDK about that, but I after talking to you, I understand you to mean that my behavior is relatively stable, even though my moods may not be. I also liked talking to you about my kitty. Kit.

I don't know how to have the safety without the vulnerability. Is that even possible? I found it so hard to tell you that today. Of course I would feel safe as we were that day.

Dear T,
I may have seemed fine, but I'm bothered by a couple of your responses. Maybe in part my fault for bringing that up with 15 minutes left. But the one comment about your son earlier also bothered me. Have you just been dishonest with me, letting me believe a falsehood, thinking we had something in common? Because if that's the case, I'm not sure I can trust you anymore.
--LT

You make me feel invisible.

: - )


.............

Ugh, BAD day T.

Something is definitely wrong with me. I am trying to say how I am feeling/thinking, but I don't know if anything matters anymore. I am still nauseated, which is something I don't tolerate well. I feel like I don't know who I am. I just want to escape all of my pain. Why am I in pain? I have no idea. I am worried because I will probably have to take off work tomorrow because I am sick. I'm not at a good point at this time. This is just where I am right now. Blah.

Thank you t.
For everything.

I still haven't heard from you, and the transference is KILLING me. I hope you're not mad at me. I hope you haven't given up on me. I hope you're not terminating me. Please email me back.

Dear T,
I hate myself. I should have just talked about the dream. Then I'd probably be feeling fine now. Instead of all unsettled about our relationship. I suspect you'll respond in the morning, but I'm scared of what you'll say...
LT

Tomorrow.

I think I'm going to talk to you about my fear that I tricked you into thinking it was worse than it was or that I'm faking my response and convincing myself I feel this way, like a kid who fakes sick to stay home from school and actually convinces themselves to actually feel sick. Except I'm doing it for attention/sympathy.
But even talking to you about this feels manipulative because I'd partly being doing it just so you'd assure me it wasn't true.
And I want to tell you about my fear that you only believe it was "horrible" because you think there must have been worse stuff I'm not telling you.
But I'd partly be telling you because I'd want you to tell me otherwise. I want to manipulate you into saying it was really bad again and being able to hear that you really mean it.

I liked that you seemed a bit upset about it on my behalf. And that makes me feel guilty and even more like I'm exaggerating everything to get that reaction.

I don't know what I need from you right now. Do I need that validation, or is it just enabling and reinforcing my attention seeking behavior?
If I want something then I shouldn't be allowed to have it.

****, my mind is exhausting

I give up. No more therapy for me and I quit because of email contact.

You can blame everything on me, because I'm so irrational and out of my mind 80% of the time. All you ever did was hurt me too.

((Lemoncake))

Miss you T. But you know that already.

The Critic will not have the floor next week. The Critic cannot have the floor next week. I don't know what next week will hold, but I know that I can trust you to hold that...can't I?

Why is your wife putting her fees up by £2? That's really weird. Does she just want to cost £2 more than you?

what is my problem?
o yea
my brain

I miss you so much, R.

I'm gonna be trapped at my moms during this epic snow storm

I am still nauseated and took off work. I feel bad and like a bad employee. Sooner or later they are going to get sick of me. If they are not already. I have so much to do. I was worried not to take off, now I am worried that I took off. I hate being me. Why does life have to be so difficult? I might go to my gp today, but I usually can't get a time. So much for that. I think I am going to take my ativan and pretend I am not alive for a day, if possible with my nausea.

I hate the verbal constipation I get when I see you. Is there a verbal laxative for that?

I don't really like transference. Can it stop now please?

ugh seriously lol