Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I feel horrible. I can't wait to see my Pdoc on Monday so maybe I can get medication to help, like maybe upping my Abilify. I feel like the worst patient ever. I am so sorry that I am in this state. I did have a really good day and will try to focus on that, as soon as my emotions lessen. I am so reactive to little things, it is driving me insane, but I'm already there.

I can't remember the exact wording you used. I can't hear your tone of voice in my head when I remember it.
I wish I'd been looking at you when you said it
Can you just repeat those things over and over again?

I am having anxiety about our session tomorrow. I hope it’s all for naught.

you were wrong, I feel amazing. i'm floating on air

I dont know what was wrong a while ago but you seemed distracted, you were really tired, your face was pale and drawn you had those extra time off, you said things that only really sick people say. You are taking an extra long christmas break. I really want to ask about your health but wont for various reasons. No inprobably will it is driving me mad

I'm so glad I made it to my session tonight even though I couldn't stop crying...which is something I never do. I want to call you tomorrow since you offered but I don't know what to say anymore. I might just end up crying more.

I miss my old therapist.

I wish u would email! I feel so so so uncared for riggt noe.

Thank you for your support today. Thank you for showing me that you can hold it, and me, when I need you to.

Oh my gosh I miss you so much I don't know how I can keep going forward. Kit.

God**mit T. This huuuuuurts. You not being with me hurts.

I've officially started to SH. I hope you're happy with yourself

(((DP_2017)))

aww i’m sorry 😐

I would have liked to know how it is that others find therapists a source of comfort. Comfort and you people never went together in my experience of you.

Dear T,
You seemed particularly intense today. And a bit dark at times. Are you OK? And I know you said before that it’s nothing, but you haven’t worn your ring for two sessions again. I know I’m not supposed to care about you, and I won’t ask, but as you said today, I’m a particularly caring person.
But anyway thanks for today’s session, for listening and trying to understand ( and succeeding much of the time). And for letting me know (without my asking) that you aren’t going away over the holidays and would have fairly regular hours.
Love you,
LT

I feel like I exhausted you yesterday. You seemed so tired as I was leaving and you yawned. I think the empathetic response would have been to yawn back right? I don't know why I hold back from expressing concern about you. I should have just asked if you were tired, but that would have revealed that I care.

I did some journaling like you asked. I think I understand the anger better now. I don't know if you'll "get it" though. It's not anger from the present. It's not 23 year old Labrat's anger. It's 10 year old Labrat's anger. It's like being hit with an emotional time capsule.

I wish you were a robot.

***Trigger warning ***

T

I miss you so friggin much. Just when I think I can move on and accept your death something comes up and I wish I were dead. Bur I have a husband and children who depend on me and love me so much that I must keep pretending life is good.

I love you. I wish I could have said that while you were alive. Now all I have are memories and regrets

i can't do this, i'm so sorry, i know you think i'm ready and that i can do this but i can't. i'm sorry

I miss you. I find my brain trying to play this game of forgetting that you're gone.
I try not to let it do that because I don't think denial is helpful at this point.
I love you.

We had such a good session today. I feel like I’m actually making progress now. I’m so happy.

The enormity of what happened yesterday is still washing over me. It was a healing moment, but it was strange just the same.

Thanks for a good session yesterday. Although it was not bad to skip last week, I think the self care from having the space/time to talk openly about what is and what I want is good to keep me on track.

The parallels between work life and raising a teenager I spoke about yesterday are on my mind this morning. Those on the other side of the adversarial system have to (or choose to) tear people apart, look at things from the worst possible interpretation, and believe that punitive attitudes and actions will fix the world (they don't care about the actual people involved). I'm glad I am able to help build people up for a living. It feels good.