Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

What's it like to change so many lives? To be so important in so many people's lives that the world is broken without you?

I love you in a way that I've never loved anyone else.

I know I won't be turning up this week either, but I don't feel like I'm stuck in anger. I like having extra money to spend on myself. I just need to stop for now.

Registration for props off surgery opens today at 8pm. 15 spaces for the date I want, and it's first clicked first severed. So 9.5 hours to go...

You're basically tailor-made to stir up my worst insecurities. Is that a great thing because I'll be able to work through them... Or is this just a f***ing stupid idea?

Funny freudian slip for a doctor and surgical work.

How thoughtful of you to email me the professional article and make it obvious you were thinking about me. Are you using some technique these days to try to show you think about me outside of sessions and if so, is it some technique to move me out the door? I am always skeptical but when I ask you say it isn't so. Or is this some technique to show that I mean something to you, and therefore to other people? I don't really doubt that.

But when I emailed you my one sentence to say thank you, I got back a longer explanation about why it applied to what we were discussing in session, but I knew why, it was bleeping obvious. I think me saying thank you should have ended it, what's with the additional email. We have really only emailed for schedule changes, and you do always confirm my confirm, as in "see you then" and I don't reply. So maybe you just are generally going out of your way to not drop the ball of email conversation.

I'd like to feel grateful rather than suspicious, but there you have it. Will I be able to ask you about all the "I was thinking of you outside of session things you've said and done in the last month" and is there more to it than it was just happening?

I think in general I am suspicious of people's motives and maybe this is kicking that up. Sometimes I know people are just connecting with me and they have no ulterior motives. Yet, in the past there is undeniable proof that sometimes there are. What do I do with this?

So how's that working out for you? Taking what was MINE??

Are you going to be there for THEM like I would have been?

Or, is your charm fleeting? Here today and gone tomorrow.

I'm almost a doctor, but still have two more years to go as I'm in a 6 year course not the standard 5. Propedeutics of surgery- I like the subject, but I just want winter exams to be over already.

Just for my own information, I'd like to know, do you you actually enjoying pitting people against one another and viewing the outcome?

Because that's what I'm getting.

Why are you so much better than me?

T, thanks for the +3. And sorry I'm being so stubborn. I called you impossible last week; really it's me and I know that.

Raine I am so sorry you are going through this. I know ther pain is awful. If you ever want to talk/vent/commiserate feel free to pm.

I wonder who the four people are. Any of them that I'm independently interested in?

I think you've done a really poor job handling all of this. And as much as I want to hate you, I don't. I think you're learning, and trying to do what you feel is best in a difficult situation. May your mistakes with me benefit someone else.

I'm planning on doing a slow transition like we've discussed. So at least I'll have a soft place to fall if things don't go well with someone new. But I think I'm pretty well ready to move on. Hopefully the time we have left will be productive rather than destructive.

So help me, I do not want to lose my words again on Thursday. It's been hard knowing that we are the only people who know the specifics of that session.

Thank you so much! Some days are harder than others. Sometimes I still can't believe he's gone.

I'm wondering whether I can art-iculate my feelings better than I can express them verbally. (Hyphen intentional.)


I probably will check in with you before Thursday's session, just to explain that I'm scared of going back to my old ways of retreating and keeping emotion at a distance.

It's only been 11 days since I sent you my last email, which you didn't reply to. From reading the special thread- If I'm so special why don't you take better care of me?

Anyway I got my exam date, second exam is now offically on the 10th of jan.

I hate this stupid longing
This is the thing I'll never quite be able to bring myself to verbalize to you. I'll never know whether this would be the thing that finally crossed the line.

You once again brought up ten year old me and how I'd react to her. You spoke about the other part of me, the part of me that wouldn't want to hurt her, you said the part of me that would want to wrap my arms around her and comfort her...
I've never used that term with you. I've never expressed a desire to physically comfort anyone, and never directly expressed the desire to be held.
Does that mean those are the instincts it would evoke in you?

you must be so f***ing tired of me. i can only imagine how frustrating it is to work with someone for YEARS and not see any progress. you yourself have told me you often feel "helpless" when i talk about depressive episodes. i'm sorry i make you feel that way, because you are a good therapist and if i just listened to you then i would feel better. but instead i ignore you because some f***ed up part of me is hellbent on self destructing. i'm sorry, you deserve better. i should probably just quit and stop wasting your time.

I don't feel good.

I have this image of a child, a young girl, holding something broken in her hands and lifting it up to show its brokenness to some kind adult. A silent plea to fix it.

But I'm not a child and you can't fix it.

Like I said, I don't feel good.

Why haven’t you emailed me?? I feel so alone...

I’m sorry I emailed you tonight. It was partly a legit question, and I partly just wanted to connect with you. I am trying soooo hard not to email you, but I did.

I don't drink alcohol, so I have no idea, but I have felt almost hung over for the last couple of days. Is that weird, after what happened on Thursday?

Why are you leaving me? Why? This pain is so intense, it's unreal. The last session will be the worst day ever. I'm dreading it

I don't feel well t