Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

You may think you're Jim Jones incarnated but I'm on to you.

At the end of my email that I sent, I asked that you be gentle and good, as you usually are.

I guess I'll find out if you are in about 14 hours.

Is it too much to ask to feel safe in any more than fleeting bursts?

Thank you for saying yes to 90 minutes tomorrow. It's been a trying week.

Dear T,
You seriously haven't considered before the effect your parting words could have on a client??? Well, I guess at least you'll start considering them now...

Love,
LT

You let me down. I’m not sure I can get past that and that makes me sad.

It surprises me that a T would not consider that either... how powerful certain words can be especially at certain times but to me it speaks to his inexperience dealing with attached clients. It seems he is learning a lot though and a lot from working with you! From what I’ve read in general seem to be going better between you guys which is good!

Good job being honest with him. Seriously.

I feel such shame about my email, what prompted me to send it, and your response. Can we rewind to our old pattern of repeated ruptures please? It was so much easier than this bastardisation of closeness.

I miss you. Kit.

I talked to my mom again last night. I got more information about those years and remembered more things.
I'm worried that you'll think I'm making it up when I tell you, that they're false memories or distorted by hearing my mom's perception.


I'm worried that if I tell you this it will change your perception. You'll no longer see me as having been an innocent and vulnerable child. You won't have any sympathy for me. You'll see that I brought it on myself.
You'll see that I was less vulnerable and weak at ten than I am now. You'll think less of me.

It hurts having an autistic child who just wants to be accepted, but instead is picked on and ends up frustrated and lashing out. I hate sending him to an environment he hates. What do I do, T? A seven year old shouldn't be so sad. I don't want him to be unhappy.

I thought our session went well today. so I'm relieved about that. I hope you're understanding why it's hard for me to talk about my current sexual activity with you... it's helpful to talk out my thoughts and feelings around it tho. I don't feel I could do that with anyone else but you

Just make it all okay, please? That's not too much to ask, is it? Just make everything better?

Thanks.

(((Luc)))

Atwood, Bronte, Collins, Dickens, Eliot, Faulkner, Galbraith, Hardy, Ibsen, Joyce, Kafka, Lee, Mill, Nabokov, Orwell, Poe, Rowling, Stoker, Twain, Vonnegut, Woolf...

How could an okay appointment (productive but emotional) turn so negative by us each making a statement without thinking. When I made the comment about understanding why my parents really wanted to keep their marriage together "for the kids", I realize that was not something I should have said as I was getting ready to leave. You responding with something like "to bad they didn't have a healthy enough relationship to make that possible" felt like a knife to the chest. I know you regretted it the second it came out of your mouth. Ugh why is it so complicated???

Dear T,
Am I supposed to disregard the connections that I am making all the time? Are you sure it is safe for me to do so? You tell me that you didn't have a secondary motive to recommending the book. I hope I don't drive you to the brink of insanity. I am going to really keep trying diligently to keep moving forward. I feel like I am at a point where I can start to let go of the supervigilant paranoia and just try to trust that things are just as they are. I feel humiliated for being so "odd", but this is who I am and I want to get better.


My Goals:
I am getting a fitbit for Christmas, and I will be setting goals for walking nightly.
I am going to try to ignore the part of me that is somewhat paranoid at the moment.

I'm going to go to bed a lot earlier than I do now. I hate going to sleep.
I am going to do something in nature (walk in a park or something) at least once weekly.

Spend more time with family. Work on family dynamics. Work on work dynamics.


Thank you for not abandoning me while I am in this completely odd sense of being. I am so fortunate to have you as my therapist.

Et tu, Brute?



This is why I say I don't want to be remembered by anyone. Because if I knew that no one cared in the way that I feel no one cares, it wouldn't hurt when people show me they don't. Like you. You say you're finding the best solution in a situation where no one wins. But you do. You win, and my life is ruined.

Updike, Zola.

he is SO not him. in many, many ways.
well, T can be rather obtuse sometimes. but also, what he said was pretty benign in the grand scheme of things, so he probably didn't think much of it.

Thanks, Velcro. I know he's very different from ex-MC, but I still get scared, especially when I start to feel connected. Or in this case, where he said the exact same thing that ex-MC used to.

To explain more about the second thing, I'm sure his parting words were completely innocuous. It was that he commented that he never considered how his parting words affected clients. This will make more sense with the full exchange, I think, so:

Me last night: "Dear T,
I just feel a need to reach out. It was a helpful and intense session today, and I've been emotional off and on since (currently: on). I think part of it was--I'm sure this was just coincidence--but your parting words to me today were the same thing that Dr. Ex-MC usually said to each of us when we left: "It was good to see you." And I don't think you've ever used that closing with me, so it was a bit jarring. It took me back to the offices across the street from you for a second. It always felt nice that he would say that to us, individually, as he shook our hands. It seemed like he meant it. Yet it's also one of those things that, in retrospect, I question the sincerity of. I hate that I'm now questioning things like that. We can discuss Thursday.

Thank you for helping me work through this loss and for validating my grief. Having you listen and bear witness and validate is helping me to process and to heal. It's still pretty scary, though..."

T this morning: "Thanks for sharing this, LT - and we can discuss if more on Thursday as you suggest. It's interesting you point out my "parting words..." - I've never really thought much about what impact those words might have, but it's worth thinking about now that you bring it up - they're the last thing a client hears before leaving, after all."

i'm not a T, but all of his parting words are things people just say...so i'm not sure i'd really think much about that anyway. i literally don't even remember what my T said to me tonight as i was leaving.

i am not saying he shouldn't think of the impact of his words though, because he is a T, and words are part of his trade.

I'm really angry and annoyed right now. The clerical staff at my work made a horrible mistake, and now I need to fix it. Ugh!. I hate stupid people! It's a character flaw on my part, and I wish you were here to help me be less bigoted against idiots. But, seriously, some people should work at jobs where their mistakes have little consequence, not at jobs where their mistakes could ruin people's lives.