Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

I miss you so much. It’s really hard not to email you, but I won’t break my promise.

I'm so tired. The process of grieving feels like a constant battle to not be crushed by the grief. It's a balancing act--to face these feelings, to experience them deeply, without being destroyed by them.

I continue to do well at work, but that, too, is a constant struggle not to get crushed.

I always knew that I could do anything as long as I had you. Now that you're gone, I'm not sure what I can and can't do.

Una I was just composing a draft email to a new T and considering telling R that I had made up my mind and was definitely NOT going to come on tuesday even after my second email with the smiley face confirming tuesdays appointment.

In all honesty I don't know what I'm doing. I've never had anyone there for me so I get that I'm angry and bitter ,but at the same time all I want to do is cling to him because I feel like I don't know who I am without him and I'm so weak in this need for him it's ridiculous.

P.s You really do speak lemoncake. I was considering watching Minority report today.

I hate being me. You told me I am okay.

Oh lemon sweetie, idk about reincarnation, but we are definitely connected across series reboots! MY Mission Impossible started in 1966!

I love minority report, but i also love the AI movie. I dont know why i get those mixed up. The water scenes? The future angle?

It briefly crossed my mind that you could be at this thing today. I genuinely hope not. I don't think I could handle seeing you in a different context. Not today. Miss you though. Wish you could make me feel safe.

Because I'm travelling, I'm anxious, and because I'm anxious, I miss you, and because I miss you, I'm anxious again.

I feel so much better today. I don't want to drive you crazy. I am trying to not be clingy.

I'm sorry I yelled and cursed at you

hi t I put my tree up
I'm trying to be productive
cleaning laundry dishes

I was confident, engaged, professional Echos today. I haven't seen her for a while. When she emerges my attachment to you feels more secure. I don't feel the need to run to you and cling to your legs.

please respond...

I hope I'm not in love. Argharghargh.

I could talk to you about this, R, but I don't know how to talk to M about it.

I was secretly hoping that since you cancelled yesterday, you'd text me and see if I wanted to come today. But you didn't...so I'll have to wait until next week.

I am secretly glad that you disappeared from my city because you were a nutter of the first order. At first, therapy with you was helpful and I was on board to deal with my lack of an intimate relationship at this advanced stage of my life. Then, however, the therapy began to look different; it became about your intuition, your expertise in being involved in alternative modalities, some pretty far out stuff. I was game to go along...I mean, I'll try anything twice, but even I have limits. Things took a turn for the worse and I'm not even sure why. Maybe at some point, I could explore that with another care giver but not you. Your disappearing act is really confounding but in the end, I'm more relieved. I have an hour back now and the hassle of the drive and finding a parking place. It really did come down to that. No good parking.

I want to cut back on sessions.

BOO! I just lost my whole post.

Dear T,
I just lost a really good post to my dismay. I hope we are still the same and are able to continue my therapy. YOu said the other day that you had never heard me say some things. Like, my meds., no I have never told you. I hope just telling you that would allay my guilt, but didn't happen. I feel like the worst patient ever. And maybe I am. I hope that you aren't going to act differently to me. I feel so horrible.

I am not sure if you have decided to keep me as a patient, or if you will keep me a short while while you slowly say things that hurt regarding my attachment. I would rather you just tell me instead of sending hints or anything. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to be me. You kept telling me, "I haven't heard that before." When I said the day lasted forever. I did tell you this quite a few times. It's an odd existence. If you want to leave, I don't blame you, I would do the same if I could. But will you please just tell me instead of dragging me along until the end. Don't get me wrong, though I absolutely want to keep going to therapy with you. I just don't want to drag you down. You don't deserve that. I adore you and I hope we aren't done yet. Please verbally let me know, okay?

I feel lost at sea without an anchor. I don't know what I want or who I even am. I'm just tired. So very tired.

Can I just get a hug instead of therapy today?
Or can I cry for the entire session but not have to talk about it?

I don't want to do this. I'm tired.

I feel lost at sea without an anchor. I don't know what I want or who I even am. I'm just tired. So very tired. [/QUOTE]

Never Fear!!! You are the lovely Lemoncake from PsychCentral. I have brought you an anchor if you still want one. Or, you could PM me if you would like or need to do so.


Sending you tons of hugs Thinking of you. . .

Dear T,

Haven't seen you in about two weeks. Hope you are doing okay on your vacation or conference or whatever you are up to, you never told me. I'm doing better than I thought I would be without you. Anyways, hope you are well and I'll see you soon.

-Butterfly

I think I need a brain/personality transplant. It's like that for a long time I have been vacated, there's nobody home.

My life is full of constantly pushing uphill, going to work and having difficulties even if I try. I hate myself right now and I took meds to go to sleep so I can erase the thought of idea that I am in this world. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere,

You are amazing. Thanks for the fun check in today, although I'm still struggling with something you shared, but it's not your fault. It's my own issue I don't know how to deal with. I can't wait to see you and hug you on Tuesday

Can you stop asking if I have romantic feelings for people in my life? No, I don't have romantic feelings towards this labmate or any of the other people you've asked about.

Also it kind of annoys me that you've only asked me that about men. Not that I want you to ask about more people in my life, but it feels like you think I'm straight even though I've told you that I'm not.
I mention more hookups with guys because there are a lot more straight guys looking to have one night stands than there are lesbian/bi women. That doesn't indicate a preference or mean that I'm any less queer.

P.S. I hooked up with another one of your patients, but we first hooked up before either of us was seeing you and she's not seeing you anymore, so there hasn't really been a reason to mention it. I bet if I told you that you wouldn't forget that I'm not straight.