Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

Funny how my feelings about you can ricochet all over the place. I wish they’d just stick in one place.

The teenage part who likes to push you away wants to say "I hope you enjoy this break from me"

The younger parts of me hope you realize that my not emailing you means I'm really depressed

I don't want distance...I'm just depressed.

I'm reading into yr words too much again

I have to admit you read my mind when you said in coaxing me to skip family Christmas with my family, you were not just trying to have a "White Christmas" with your own by getting rid of all your patients for a few weeks.

Yeah, that resonates. Not just with T but for me, with people and events and . . . in general. Sometimes I find thinking about it differently, about the impossibility of things staying the same, ala Pema Chodron, who says things like this:

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ”― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Yup. I'm in love with you today. Sigh.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who hasn’t read Pema Chodron. Just read a sample of this book online and it looks excellent. I think I’ll order it. Thanks for that!

I want to tell you about how I spoke up for myself and my values at the meeting last night and was assertive and even said some of the things I value in myself.

But I don't want you to think that it upsets me when you say I'm attractive
The few times you've said it it's been almost an afterthought. You weren't saying "you're attractive so you shouldn't hurt yourself" as if physical attractiveness is what's important to me when it comes to my self worth, as if it's what I should base my decision to not SH on.

It's kind of nice to hear it from you every once in a while because my shame makes me feel disgusting and like you shouldn't be able to look at me with anything other than revulsion and contempt after the things I've told you. I don't want you to think it's something you should never say again.

Edit to add: my usual litmus test is "would you be saying the same thing to a guy in this situation?" Your comments pass that test, his didn't.

I hope you find it interesting. I find it difficult to go all-in on any kind of spiritual perspective, but I like learning about other ways to think about things (other than my knee jerk reactions, that is).

It felt good to fire you today.

I probably wouldnt have made the joke if it didnt involve the Jonas bros. I admit it's racist to pretend to not be able to distinguish among "different" names. But as a baby boomer, i am not a fan of the Jonas bros, so that kinda tipped the scales. I apologize for any offense.

Thank you for calling me back yesterday evening, offering me to call again last night if I wanted, and saying I could call you this weekend. The news I heard on Wednesday has shaken me so much. I'm really scared and worried about myself and how I'm going to get through this month but I don't know how to say it in person. I'm afraid of the reaction or consequence of saying it out loud.

Watcha doing? Do I ever cross your mind randomly?

I force my t to think of me randomly but sending a blank text very very occasionally so it is not too obvious as i am not allowed to text outside of scheduling issues. I know its really childish but even justs for a second i want that attention out of session. I am not saying anything so i cant be accused of therapy by text.

I just saw you but I still want to reach out to you. This is the worst.

Maybe you shouldn't have started being nice to me.

ETA: Damnit now I feel all sad and lonely and vulnerable. This was so much easier when I hated your guts. This is why I hate therapy--you forkers tell me to be in touch with my needs and then you leave me alone with them.

Also okay I get that your whole theoretical approach is based on affect mirroring and all that Fonagy crap. But what was all that "your needs need to be seen and loved" bullshirt? You said that twice. I don't think there's any room for love in this flavor of therapy.

I'm feeling exposed and vulnerable since we last met. Of course, the temptation is to shut down...I need you to help me open up.

God help me but I do trust you

Remember how you never understood why I don't trust people? Remember how terrified I was to trust you? Thanks for reminding me of why I don't. Terrible idea.

I am being more assertive at home and it isn't going well. I am finding out that when I actually have feelings (anger) that I don't want to have, it's not my choice. REally? I now realize I have to be assertive to prevent myself from going into that angry space. Assertiveness isn't always accepted with open arms. I feel like a nonentity, and that my intrusive self that has an opinion is unwanted. I feel like my opinion doesn't matter, or moreso, that it isn't wanted. I am trying to change the status quo that has been in place for years and years. It's not working. I am no longer who I was. I have my own opinions which are inconvenient I suppose. I just want to be a hermit. I want to fade into obscurity.

T, I hope you like this me, because you may be the only one who does. I feel unwanted as a person with an opinion. I am so tired, I just don't want to deal with this anymore. Please help me. Please be genuine. Please. I need someone to trust. I can't trust myself.

I miss you
but I don't want to email you
well, I do...
but I feel like not emailing you communicates better than trying to talk
because I don't have words
I don't understand what I'm feeling

M.

You don’t feel real to me again and neither does the past 5 years of work, that we’ve done, to get to this point.

What the heck is going on?

I can’t deny it.

I don’t want to deny it or invalidate it.

I “know” it’s real.

It just doesn’t “feel” real and neither do you right now.

I don’t know what to do with this.

T

I’m so sad.

How am I ever going to get past this paranoia which is trying to erode the the relationship? I just want the ability to trust you and believe you. I can't trust nor believe myself. I feel sad for myself, in that all I want to be able to do is trust you without question, but I apparently am unable to do so. I feel like I have not control or say in anything. This is scary.

I love you, my sweet angel.

I'm not sure if you're being intentionally frustrating. I just want you to tell me more about what you're thinking at any given point in time. How is that a difficult concept to grasp?

P.S. I thought about your question and I realized it does bother me when people tell me I'm attractive. But I don't think that's a conversation I want to have with you. I don't know if there's a way for that not to be awkward.