**Mention of SI**

Yes, something big happened in Tuesday's session. I did not begin to process it until much later.

I told T that the previous night I had SI'ed deeper than I ever had before. We talked about that and then he asked me, "What if SI is passe? What if you are beyond that?"

I recognized that this is something that I have unconsciously been aware of for months now. That is doesn't give me the same effect that it used to. And that a lot of the time I do it just to make sure I am still "sick" and that I have a reason to need T, and for T to care about me.

Then he told me that whole thing about not having to be in some sort of crisis to call him-- rather, being able to call him just to talk. That I don't have to be "sick" to be in therapy with him, etc.

When I went home that night I began to process all of this. In session, it was just another conversation, but later that night, it hit me hard. I was having a really hard time accepting that I may not need to SI anymore and that it doesn't do the same things for me that it used to. I know this may sound weird, but it is a very big loss to me. This is something I have turned to for 8 years. It is very, very hard to let it go.

Here is an except from a letter I wrote T that I will be sharing with him tomorrow:

**You see, I cannot accept what has been said. Most of the instances when I have cut in the last couple months have been to maintain that I am one who still cuts—someone who is really %#@&#! up. I remember when I was on the couch and you told me that I am not that 18 year-old girl anymore—I didn’t like that you said that. I was so adamant that I still am—or at least that a big part of her is still inside me. I am too scared to let her go. (Tears start again now). There are several levels of loss here. There is the original loss of the cutting not having the same result for me as it used to. Then there is the loss of cutting itself, if I am going to stop with the acceptance that I am beyond it. After that, there is the loss of part of myself. That ties in with the loss of part of my illness. Finally, to tie it all together, you came out and said this today. That’s the worst part. Because now it’s completely conscious. Now is the absolute conscious loss of all things previously mentioned. My release. My cutting. My illness. Myself.**

I think this is the very first time I am able to see the work that is being done in therapy. That there are parts outside of the hurt. He is the first person to ever see so far beyond the marks. He is the first person to not be afraid to confront me and say-- you are so much more than this. You are beyond this.

(I have not cut since that session. I know that it is only Friday, but that is a pretty big thing for me because I typically do it every single night).

[Perna]

It's great that you are working so hard on that. I don't know that you have to give up your symptom until you are ready though. I had one that I'd had since I was 2-3 years old, a daily thing and it finally just kind of wandered off on its own, unattended when I was 54-55 or so. But all through therapy it was "useful" and meaningful and helped me in some ways, etc. So, if you cut, you cut. Whether you have moved beyond it, let "it" decide from the inside out rather than just having a discussion of it. It may not just have the meaning of your being "sick" and in control, etc. I don't think we are that "simple" in any aspect that we can come to understand something and then, that's it. It is part of your whole story and needs to be incorporated too, not just "dropped" like a bad, unwanted habit.

Wow, Pink. What a great session! Therapy is painful, isn't it? It seems that it requires one to let go of what you thought you needed, of who you thought you were, and helps you see who you really are or who you can be. It's like mourning for the death of a part of yourself is required in order for a happier, healthier part of you to be reborn. I feel for you and know how deep the pain goes. I am happy, though, for what lies ahead of you. YOU ARE so much more than this. YOU ARE beyond this.
Take care,
Soliaree

[SweetCrusader]

*safe hugs* if wanted.

Pinksoil, it's been three years for me and I still sometimes miss cutting. I don't want to go back to the point in my life when I needed it, but sometimes I miss it. Almost like someone misses a friend when the friendship is over. It's like a part of me is gone.

I can really relate to what you're saying. It really is a painful thing. For a long time, I had to continually touch my scars just to be reassured. In fact, sometimes I still do that.

I can say, though, that it's a step in a good direction (even though it's scary and may not seem 100% like a good idea). I never would have believed it before giving up cutting... but it really does feel better without it.

Good Luck! Sounds like you have a great T to help you through it.

[sunrise]

Pink, that sounds like a momentous realization you have had. From what you wrote, it does sound like mentally, you are beyond the SI, but for various reasons you've continued. I agree with Soliareee, I think you are doing some mourning. It's OK. SI has been your friend and release for so long. I used to SI as a teen with regularity, but once I moved away from home (and my mother), the need to SI disappeared, and I never did it again (and I didn't miss it). SI was just a coping mechanism for me, and as an adult, when I have been in great pain, it just somehow wasn't appropriate or useful--I needed more mature coping mechanisms that were a better match for my developmental age. Does that make sense? I hope you have some other coping mechanisms available to you as no SI could leave a vacuum. Wishing you the best of luck with this turning point.

[MissCharlotte]

I think that it is simply amazing what parts of us we can find and define within the context of the therapeutic relationship. I mean, T was able to see beyond the cutting, in a way that part of you could not. And he engaged those parts and they have come to the surface, and made themselves known to you and I think that is simply beautiful. And they are beautiful.

Wow.

[lauren_helene]

I agree that you are beyond the SI and I understand your thoughts about losing that part of you that hurts. I am struggling with that one myself. Probably why I became self destructive for awhile.

You have had quite an awareness, hold on to it tightly...take care

Thank you everyone........ now the other difficult part is that in an hour and half I have to tell T all of this. It is going to be tough to talk about. But I have one of my trusty, detailed letters to lead me through it. I'll start out by reading that. How does he even put up with me? Ok, time to shower. I'll update after session.

[krazibean]

howd it go pink????

[Fuzzybear]