How do I get over ex-T?

I think your T is right, it is over and you should let it go. Try to keep all the good things from therapy with her, they are yours to keep even if the person herself is not around.

I don't have experience with needing to let go of an ex-T like this, but I have had similar experiences with exes and at least one very close friend. I think your T is right, that it's over. But I think you shouldn't try to put a lot of pressure on yourself to feel better in a particular timeline. Feeling a lot of distress and running through thoughts about your T in a loop are basically a guaranteed way to stay stuck and wanting to reconnect, even when your logical mind knows that isn't possible.

One thing that I've found helpful is to focus on making my life better, and as time goes by, it starts to feel like I'm in a completely different place than I was when I was when that person was such a big part of my life. When my life has changed, it feels a little like the space that person occupied isn't so empty anymore. You mention some things going on in your life earlier in the thread, but they sounded mostly like stressors and worries. I would recommend finding things that make you happy but are productive and somewhat energy-/time-consuming. Only you can know what this is, but it might be exercise, a new hobby or craft, joining a group, taking a class (online or in person), working on a creative project, volunteering, etc. Things like that can be both a distraction and a way to help you move forward so you aren't feeling so stuck.

Yes, I have a lot of stressors going on atm. But one stressor will hopefully be worth it: dealing with the infertility. It's a good goal and I have steps to take to get there. Sure the steps are stressful (i.e. possibly another surgery), but it will be worth it if I can finally have a baby.

I do need to find more things to do. I have therapy and doctor appointments, and house cleaning, and have recently started playing the computer game again. But I should get back into my crafts. I think I'll start crocheting again. I have a lot to do with that. I have tubs of yarn.

Yeah, my T has basically told me to sit with the emotions and memories. Honor them. And she told me that there's always good and bad in a relationships. She mentioned that even she has hurt me in the past. But for us, the good outweighs the bad, whereas with ex-T it's the other way around.

It's just hard.

For me I have felt my grief more resolved (and I don't think grief or letting go happens all at once) when I have seen the person and the loss for what they truly are, the good, the bad, the things that make me smile, the things that make me weep, etc. When I distort the reality of the person, which is some combination of good/bad etc, that's when things hurt a lot for me. Seeing things as they are, being as honest with myself as I can be, that's what has been useful for me to move forward. That's why I'm always going on and on about distorted perceptions, because I don't believe they do anyone any good, or at least they haven't for me.

I think I was helped by quitting therapy in its entirety. I imagine it’s a slower recovery when one is actively engaged in a similar-feeling relationship with someone new. It’s a vulnerable place to be, and not a position I’d put myself in again unless I was in a much worse place. I can imagine for a long time, the new therapist would have a hard time measuring up to the old therapist and the ongoing comparison would fuel the fire. Also the foundation of the relationship with the new therapist would be recovering from the old therapist... seems like triggers galore and a slower recovery trajectory. Almost like as long as the new therapist is around as a reminder, trying to forget will be feutille.

For me, after spending many many years under the weight of therapy I took the ‘rip the bandaid off’ approach and just ended it. Anything else, including finding someone new, just seemed overwhelming. Once she was gone there was nobody judging my actions anymore, nobody to need to explain anything to, no attention... just silence in my head. The triggers were gone though, so the grief was more immediate with a defined start date. Fast and furious drop but faster rebound. It’s been over two months now and I feel 80% recovered.

Best of luck!!!

There's no way I'm giving up my T.

My relationship with T was really difficult in the beginning. I had hope that ex-T would take me back, T felt like the "bad guy", I didn't want to attach to someone else, and I did compare the two. At one point I told her I hated her, and at another point I told her I was shopping for a new T. She made some mistakes too. But we worked through it all. I've been with her for 3.5 years, and I don't plan on ever giving her up. We'll taper down more the less I need her, but she'll always be there when I do need her (except if she moves, retires, or dies). She says she wants to rewrite my story: that not everyone leaves me. I want that. And she has helped me a ton! She helped me with ex-T a lot, with personal issues, my darkest secret, with family issues, etc. Even my dad, who thinks there's nothing wrong with me, thinks I should stay with my T.

If she's helping, no suggestion of leaving from my side.

My commentary was more in response to the question of why it was taking 3.5 years to get over a therapist and pointing out what helped for me. When something bad happens in therapy, and you're in therapy, it seems the therapy itself is keeping it at least somewhat relevant.

Just my own additional 2 cents, but I think someday, when you do decide you don't need therapy anymore, all things therapy related including the ex-therapist will hold a lot less power. Until then, I think you'll have to work it through with the one you have as best you can. I know it sounds like a mix of depressing yet hopeful advice.

I would recommend trying to read, "You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death." My current therapist recommended it to me a few years ago to help cope with chronic, severe depression after the death of my maternal grandmother in 2010.

Obviously death isn't literally similar to a broken relationship, platonic, professional, or romantic, but it's definitely metaphorically for a lot of people.

Also, if you haven't already, you could try reading the classic, "On Death and Dying," by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.

Anyways, just a suggestion that I found helpful.

I second the above advice that reading about grief more broadly can be helpful. I haven't read the You Can Heal Your Heart book but it sounds promising.

I like the Kubler-Ross book, but more recent research suggests that the "stages" idea of grief shouldn't be taken as literally as it has been (as in you move from one stage to another in a linear fashion). I agree with the critiques as my own experience with grief has neither been in tight stages with the idea of some endpoint, like after you've resolved the last stage you are "done". While I feel like I have made some forward movement in my grief these last few years, I'm not sure that I'll ever be done although my relationship with grief is different now than it was some time ago.

Cautioning Health-Care Professionals

I’m not going to tell you to “move on” ... you probably know yourself better than most of us here do (((( hugs ))))