Grief

T and had an intense discussion about grief. She knows I still go through points where I am still in a lot of pain over the loss of my mom. She asked of I have had people die who after going through the grieving process I accepted the loss, move on and can remember fond memories. I told her I did and sometimes I go through spells like that with my mom but then something triggers my dealing of loss. She asked if I have any body close to me lose their mothers. I do mor at least in my circle I am the only one
She said of I have gone through all the stages of grief then I wouldn't be triggered and suffer a lot of pain at the thoughts or memories of my mom.

I dont know. A lot of what I have read said that the loss of a parent never completely goes away. I am still stuck grieving.,?

Anyone else have Any input,? She has never lost a parent at j

I think your therapist is wrong, and doesn’t understand the enormity of the loss.

Have you ever read any of Hope Edelman’s books? I imagine you might have- she lost her mother at a young age, and has spoken to probably thousands of other people who have, and the major theme of her work is that the loss never goes away, and can have a profound impact on the rest of your life.

I’m sorry but your therapist should really try to educate herself- I would be very angry if someone tried to tell me that all I needed to do is “go through all the stages of grief” and then all the pain of that loss would be erased. It just shows no understanding at all. Perhaps you might make some reading recommendations to her?

(As an aside, I have a friend who is a therapist- she told me after she lost her mother that she actually felt quite foolish and embarrassed about how inadequate her response had been with her grieving clients.)

I lost my dear sister 7 years ago and my mother a year and a half ago. It is completely normal to have that grief occasionally swell up very unexpectedly. For me, it is often music that will set off that grief again. My mother was an organist, and semi-frequently, a hymn we sing at church or a prelude or postlude the organist plays will remind me of her. Often it is a piece she, herself, played.

My best friend has lost both of her parents. In fact, our parents were best friends for probably 50 years and we grew up almost as one big family with two sets of parents. Her experience is very much the same. It’s always surprising how quickly and unexpectedly that loss comes up.

The tears are often a mixture of sadness of loss with fond memories. I’ve learned those tears are normal and a very common experience for many people. I’ve seen similar reactions in other friends.

I think your therapist is feeding you a line of some theoretical book somewhere along the line without a sense of experience. My therapist and I talked extensively about normal grief following my sister’s death. He spoke of the loss of his cousin, some 40 years ago, that still hits him at times quite unexpectedly. He told me to simply honor the grief and the memories and not pathologize that grief. His acceptance and normalizing of my grief was one of the most healing experiences in all of my years of therapy.

This idea of the "stages of grief" being some kind of linear step-by-step process is completely out-dated. The new theory is that grief is more circular. You may have intense grief...it lightens...then you may go back into heavy grief again at a later date. You circle around as many times as it takes to incorporate the loss.


The idea of "moving on" irritates me. Grieving isn't a project. It's a life experience.


I always say, "Grief is love." There is nothing wrong with it and everything right about it.


It took me seven years until I stopped thinking about my Mom every day. But I was very young when I lost her and I had no counseling. I was able to function okay from the start. I had to work and went back full-time the day after the funeral. I had beautiful, sensitive co-workers who honored my loss. I was engaged and got married that year and it was so difficult with my Mom absent that we kept the ceremony and after party very small and simple...just a few close friends. The grief came back hard when I had my baby and knew my Mom never would be a grandmother to my children. Luckily I had an angel of a mother-in-law who was a great Grandmom


I lost my sister three years ago and I feel it the most around holidays because she was a beautiful holiday elf. I miss her cards, letters, and gifts. I often cannot believe she is gone and I will even say it aloud, "My sister is dead," and I will feel really, really sad. She was my only sister. I miss her.

Everything I've read says that grief isn't something you "get over." Grief from losing someone to death isn't the same as grief from, say, a breakup. The latter you can "get over," but the former you cannot. And it's okay.

As others have posted, grief comes in waves. And, with time, the waves come less frequently, but they don't stop coming.

I do think it's quite impossible for someone who has never lost anyone important to understand grief. It is a completely different experience from anything else.

I can't relate to grief from death, but I can from abandonment. I have experienced a lot of death, but I just become numb to it. Except pets. Anyhow... Grief is definitely not linear nor does it have to follow a certain order. And even if you have accepted a loss, it doesn't mean the pain goes away. Our brain records tapes of our experiences. When something triggers us, the tape is played. We remember. It's a way to protect ourselves. Being triggered doesn't mean that you are or aren't done grieving. It just is.

I'm sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago it was

Here's my experience. Losing my beloved dog last year was my first real grief... he was literally my world. Without my T's support, I probably would have tried to end my life over it.
14 months later, its STILL hard, it's become easier to manage in some ways but he still crosses my mind every single day and there is many things I still can't do because the pain is too much. There are still many triggers that set me into a fit of tears.

One thing my T told me early on was that "There is no timeline or rules for grief" Everyone grieves differently. You never fully "stop grieving" but in time, you learn ways to manage and cope better. In a sense it becomes "easier" ---even though the painful moments still come up.

I am in the process of losing my T as well, not to death but it sure feels like it, and this colliding with the holidays only makes it worse. I know I wont "be over" it any time soon.

It's ok to still grieve your loss, it's ok to still have moments of tears or sadness. I can't understand why a T wouldn't get this. It seems so basic.

I never had a dog until I was an adult. I did not realize I was an intense dog lover.

When my dog died she was 12 which was a fairly ripe old age. I heard that her breed lived long lives so I expected her to live to be about 18.

She died suddenly, without pain, I think probably a heart attack. Again, no long agonizing illness. A blessing.

However, I was not prepared for how traumatized I felt. It has been five years and I still have no desire to ever have another dog. I can't even talk about my dog. She was so special and I loved every single moment of her existence. Everyone loved her. She spread joy every moment of her life.

I really don't understand how people get another dog a few months (or even weeks) after a beloved pet dies.

I hear you there. It's always baffled me.

I'm very sorry on your loss. I thankfully have a second dog but he is 15, so he isn't gonna be with me tons more years, I dread this happening again.

I saw your other post about "Grief is love" --reminds me of a saying I saw online

"Grief is the price you pay for love" which to me is true. I loved my dog more than life itself, so the grief was very difficult. I love my T more than any human I've ever known, so the grief is very difficult.

OP... this saying is probably relatable for you as well, loving your mom is much is why you feel grief. It's ok to do so.

I felt moved to reply to your comment because I fell my grief over my dog was somehow...too much. So it was good to read your comment. I got divorced during the time I had my dog and she was my greatest comfort. My ex husband loved the dog, too, and took her on weekends. We had like...shared custody! My ex simply had to have the dog around him, too. She was the ultimate emotional support animal.


Since this was my first experience with having a dog die I thought, "How do people do it?" The grief was surprisingly extreme.


Now my son has a dog he rescued. Another great animal. A really special, loving dog. I am kind of worried because I don't know how my son will be when the dog dies. He has a very strong bond with his dog.

Maybe people get new dogs to overcome the unbearable grief. IDK. I didn't do it that way.

[QUOTE=DechanDawa;6356844]This idea of the "stages of grief" being some kind of linear step-by-step process is completely out-dated. The new theory is that grief is more circular. You may have intense grief...it lightens...then you may go back into heavy grief again at a later date. You circle around as many times as it takes to incorporate the loss.


The idea of "moving on" irritates me. Grieving isn't a project. It's a life experience.


I always say, "Grief is love." There is nothing wrong with it and everything right about it.


It took me seven years until I stopped thinking about my Mom every day. But I was very young when I lost her and I had no counseling. I was able to function okay from the start. I had to work and went back full-time the day after the funeral. I had beautiful, sensitive co-workers who honored my loss. I was engaged and got married that year and it was so difficult with my Mom absent that we kept the ceremony and after party very small and simple...just a few close friends. The grief came back hard when I had my baby and knew my Mom never would be a grandmother to my children. Luckily I had an angel of a mother-in-law who was a great Grandmom QUOTE]

I live the quote. One of the hardest parts of m it moms death is thT my oldest child was 4 when it happened and my youngest wasn't born. None of them ever got to really know her

think your therapist is feeding you a line of some theoretical book somewhere along the line without a sense of experience. My therapist and I talked extensively about normal grief following my sister’s death. He spoke of the loss of his cousin, some 40 years ago, that still hits him at times quite unexpectedly. He told me to simply honor the grief and the memories and not pathologize that grief. His acceptance and normalizing of my grief was one of the most healing experiences in all of my years of therapy.--

This is very possible. The only person close to her that she has lost is her grandfather. From what she has said I suspect she has dealt with it the same way I did with my grandmother which is totally different than my mom.

One thirg I really admire about Emdr T is her willingness to admit when she is wrong or when she only has book knowledge not actual experience. When we were discussing parenting one time (in regard to my 17 year old). I challenged what she said. She acknowledged that her child is only 3 so while she knows what the books say she doesn't have a lot of first hand experience. Even in her limited experience she knows that going by the book is ineffective in many ways.

She acknowledged the stages of grief is cyclical and while we are grieving whe can go back and forth between stages. She also believes grief is individual. When I mentioned a few months ago that I know I should be over this by now since it has been 18 years. She told me that I am where I need to be and she would never presume a person should get over it. Last night she said she thinks my grief is very complex. It is not only about the loss of my mom. It is made more complicated because it is tied in with my abandonment issues, my abusive step father, and a few other issues.

It's ok to still grieve your loss, it's ok to still have moments of tears or sadness. I can't understand why a T wouldn't get this. It seems so basic.--

You are so right. After reading the responses here I wonder if I misinterpreted what she meant. I will definitely bring it up next time. I appreciate that she always encourages me to question what she says. Sometimes I fear that she will think I am obstinate and resistant because I challenge what she says sometimes. But that has not been the case.

My mom died in 2014. It does get easier some days but some days you just miss your mom or are reminded of something. Like someone says it is like peaks and valleys some days you feel okay and other days like i said you get triggered and the grief hits you again. Eventually you have more peaks and good times and less valleys of grief but it never really goes away. There is always going to be something to remind you of her. After awhile Your grieving won't be as intense. It is a process. It takes time. Don't let people put a timeline on how long to grieve for. It takes as long as it takes and especially be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Grieving is hard.

I dont think you ever get over that. My aunts still talk about my grandma regularly and shes been gone 31 years. They still cry over her.

Condolences on your loss.
It sounds like she has some checklist and measuring stick, and I don’t think grief or human emotions work like that.

If grief extends, then the “grief experts” label-of-the-moment this as “complicated grief.” They teach this in school.

I wish people could just feel, love and mourn without these self-named experts adhering labels.

Everyone in my family felt the lifelong loss of a sister in her 20s, a loss that passed to the next generation of children who never met her.