A Question About Hugs

I asked. After a few times, he started asking. And then we stopped asking, and he would just open his arms. I miss him so much...

I asked my T on day one if she gave hugs. She said yes. It took me a few more months to get the courage to ask for the first one. Now we hug after every session. For me it's a guage to make sure everything is okay. You can tell a lot about a person just by a hug.

Maybe 6 months into my relationship with exT, she hugged me for the first time. She’s the only T that I’ve ever had physical contact with of any sort. I liked it a lot. She initiated. I had off-handedly mentioned how I felt like I needed a hug in my writing that week, but I was more thinking of my boyfriend at the time. I had done really well behavior-wise that week and had been putting a lot of work into therapy, and she was really proud of me, so she gave me a hug as a sort of a reward. We ended up hugging 3 more times in the year I saw her. Once as a congrats after getting into med school, and twice on her last day before she left for her new job.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever want current T to hug me...right now it would feel weird...there’s one of my former Ts that I really would’ve wanted a hug from, I’m sure I could’ve hugged her on the day I left if I wanted, I was just too afraid to ask.

I didn’t think it was a no no. In fact I didn’t think it was a thing to discuss until I read here. I didn’t think it was an option since it’s really more of a professional setting. I have never discussed it with my T. He just one day, when I was going for a longer break, opened his arms. And it just felt natural, like 2 people mutually agreeing to it without having to discuss it. It was after a longer time seeing him so maybe they also need to feel safe in a way, knowing the client won’t take it the wrong way, or won’t feel threatened by someone trying to touch them. I have no idea, that’s just my guess. Since then we have hugged several times. Especially after harder sessions, and I’ve only asked once, and only because I was sure that he was going ask anyway. I’m too afraid of rejection to just go for it. He said he was glad I asked but other than that we have never discussed it. It just doesn’t seem like a thing that needs a lot of attention too . It just happens when the time is right, somehow he knows when I need it the most. I understand it’s important and needed for some people. To me it’s not something I would ask for or want after I had to ask for it and have a big discussion about why someone wants it and why it can or cannot be done. Seems like it should be more simple. Although at the beginning I wouldn’t even think about it, after some time it feels normal, not at all awkward or inappropriate and really helpful when the time is right.

I would love a hug. I don't know what his policy is on that, or if he even has one. I'm too afraid to ask though - I'm afraid if he said no it would just make things really awkward.

I think my T offered it the first time, but since then, both have initiated. We don't hug every time or even that often. But sometimes we do, and I like it. It doesn't feel like such a big thing like it once did.

I've never asked for a hug, and he's never offered one. For someone who frequently mentions how guarded I seem, he himself shows little emotion or genuine concern that I can detect. Anyway, I don't really want him to hug me because it would be confusing for me.

I think instead of asking my T for a hug, which terrifies me, I’m going to tell him that if he ever felt inclined to give me one, I would not turn it down.

I did it. I asked him for a hug.

He offered it the first time and most of the times.
I've only asked for a hug once - a week ago.

ETA: We had 9 hugs in 3 years

I'm really glad to others that got to hug, and I'm really glad that mine allowed it. The hugs she has given me although not often have been the sessions I've left feeling more regulated, they've left me feeling warm, cared about and safe.

It’s something about it when they come at the right time.

How did it go?

It’s hard to ask for it. Even when you know you’re not going to get rejected.

I sent it in an email, so I won’t know until thursday if he brings it up (cause I’m certainly not going to) or maybe never.

I shy away from it myself. When my T hugged me it made me feel really uncomfortable as it crossed the boundary of professionalism for me. That was the only time she did so as she obviously sensed my being distressed about it. I realise others have no problem with this, that some might even crave such attention but absolutely not for me.

I saw my T today. He made a passing reference to my email where I asked for a hug at the end of a hard session. It’s not gonna happen . He said I’ve been violated by too many men for too long, and he wants to be the male in my life that supports and me respects me. I get it, but I’m not gonna give up hope.

I agree the touch issue might get more complicated notes when it is a male T. I never had one (I'm curious though and if I ever needed another T I think I would try to see a male T). I have suffered many kinds of SA and often situations that were not supposed to be sexual turned that way. Even if I had the most ethical T these thoughts would probably cross my mind when touching and I don't know if I would ever feel completely safe. Also I think male T's with female clients do think this hard when making a decision that is in line with their way of working and client's feeling of safety. I believe there is possibility of safe touch but I also think in many cases it is much more simple if the T is female too.

My first therapist (a man) refused to hug me after a difficult session and I found it really difficult to take. I also have a history of being abused by men.

My current therapist (also a man) does hug me and it's something we've talked about a lot. To me, I felt so much shame and self-loathing as a result of my abuse history that my first therapist's refusal felt shaming and reinforced my negative thoughts about myself.

While I understand your therapist's logic, I think the feelings that can emerge from saying no need to be thought about and discussed too. Hugs.

Difficult things and decisions. I agree that a T of either sex saying no when asked would be tough and hurtful. I can't see myself even wanting to hug a male T because where I'm at now I would not feel safe. And if I did I might regret it afterwards if it felt unsafe. I am not suggesting male T's should not do it or anything, just saying it must be a tad harder decision to make.

Thanks for posting this, as I sometimes wonder if I was crazy to leave my male therapist when he refused to hug me. But his refusal made me feel like he saw me as an unlovable piece of garbage, and like it was wrong for me to look for physical affection from someone who mattered to me.

I'm glad you've found a therapist who can work with you on this. I don't plan to return to therapy, but it's nice to know there are therapists out there who understand that refusing hugs can cause as many issues as giving them.

I would only want hugs if the other person wanted to give them/be hugged. I can sense easily if that is the case or not. That is why it is a good choice to try to find a T whose style feels good and who likes physical touch if that is what feels essential.

I don't think it's crazy at all, and the hug rupture was a part of what led me to terminate too. I think I am very fortunate with my a current therapist. He puts a lot of thought and effort into working with my shame and history in a sensitive and caring way.

That's really nice to hear, Echos. I'm glad you've found someone who is working for you.

I can’t imagine that I’d ever want a hug from my T, but I’m pretty sure he’d say no anyway. He once equated hugs with email responses, saying something about how they don’t really solve anything, but just give temporary reassurance. This was part of a conversation where he was explaining why he would no longer reply to my emails. I understand his logic when he explains it, but it doesn’t stick. Sometimes I just wish he’d reply to my emails. So I can understand how if a hug was important to you, a T’s logical answer might not be enough.