A Question About Hugs

No way would I want my t to touch me. He keeps a safe distance from me which is just fine. I’d be exactly the same if I had a woman t. I don’t do hugs & touching.

I would chaff at this too. Don't knock temp reassurance. I guess if one just takes takes takes the temp reassurance and does nothing with it then it could harm recovery. But for me I try really hard to then parlay that temp reassurance into something active that will help recovery.

Not in a bargaining way but like, I now feel a tad better having got yr reply which allows me to force myself to go for a walk and then we have a virtuous upward cycle.

Also it doesn't just calm my abandonment fears in the moment but it gives a me little pebbles with which to build a real base of sustainable safety.

You guys have made some really good points about the benefits of getting a hug. I’m going to go back to him with some of this and see what he says.

While I think it might not necessarily be good for me to actually get a hug, it would be nice to believe that my therapist has at least had some urge to do so at some point.

I feel disgusting and shameful and bad and unworthy. It makes me feel like he shouldn't be able to stand to look at me, should be disgusted by me, etc. When I imagine bringing up the subject I imagine him recoiling in disgust at the idea of hugging me.
So I guess it would show that he didn't see me that way?

Yes for me. It seems the 'norm' is that one should find it within ourselves that we are not disgusting, shameful, bad etc. I agree. But the way my mind works is that (assuming hugging was for me which it's not) if my t hugged me, eventually I would be like, he doesn't find me disgusting, I respect him and his views and he's being genuine, what is it that he doesn't find disgusting, or at least palatable (!), then I look at that trait and eventually come to believe I've got at least 1 good or okish (!) trait. It's like learning by example.

ETA: I think I prob would love a hug esp as one of my issues was bring alone with pain, but, I fear collapse if it happened truly, and also he's my doc, and with the attachment which he knows about, it is just not going to happen in this litigious era of no touch. So prefer to believe I don't want it!

I remember yrs, ago spitting out to T that I have a fear I'll lose control of myself, run to her and she will push me away.
She replied in her soothing voice "I wouldnt"
Yrs on, I still haven't summoned that courage up.
I think I'm afraid of the moments after. What would you say? What would you do? Would there be an embarrassing silence?
As an abandoned baby that was propped up to be fed and rarely held. I really don't have any internal instructions iv what touch is about.
I yearn for it from her. I want to breathe her in.

If he's not willing to rethink the boundary (and to be honest, changing boundaries can be problematic too) it might be enough to discuss what the refusal means for you and what feelings it raises. If he handles that discussion well (unlike my first therapist) it might become a really therapeutic discussion.

I couldn't agree more.

I think if my therapist had acknowledged my feelings AND the possibility that his decision was wrong, there might have been a chance of moving forward with him. It might also have shed light on why I needed the hug (which I've now somewhat figured out on my own).

Piggy, your therapist can say no to a big, but don't let them wriggle out of the discussion of how it will impact your therapy going forward. Don't let him unilaterally decide what kind of support and caring would be best for you. You're a team.

I think therapists need to encourage clients to trust their instincts. Supportive touch can be a healthy and good thing for some people, and therapists need to explore this with clients before they just give a flat 'no'. Therapists can decide touch isn't part of their working style, but they don't get to tell the clients whether it's part of theirs.

Agreed! He handles pretty much everything really well, so if I can get up the guts to actually have the conversation it will be fine.