Done Trying

I just am done trying in therapy. Ever since I started 4 years ago, overall all I’ve done is gotten worse and become incredibly dependent on therapy. I’ve had my heart ripped out of my chest by Ts suddenly leaving and my abandonment issues are way worse than what I went in with. All I’ve done is gotten skills and unearthed old traumas that I didn’t remember or that didn’t use to upset me. Current T is useless to me most of the time. Every once in awhile we will connect and it will feel good, but most of the time I leave every session or interaction feels like I didn’t get what I needed out of it, which upsets me more. Skills only work for so long, and I know that they’re not supposed to make me feel better, but then when does that part come??? When you never feel better, there’s just no point to them anymore. So that I can keep tolerating distress so that I can keep being miserable? So I’m done using skills. I’ll self-harm if I need to calm down. I don’t freaking care anymore. Nothing else is going to make me feel better. I’m done with trying to connect with this T. I’ve just gotta wait it out until I am at a place where I can find a T that’s a better fit for me.

I had a couple of therapists that I bagged, felt like they weren't helpful. One I only went to once, knew right away she wasn't for me. The best thing I ever did along those lines was join a self-help group, a 12 step program (they have them for just about anything now) and got a good sponsor. I've made more progress there than I ever did with a therapist.

Hope you find something more helpful.

yup...it was just after the 4 year mark with my psychodynamic T when i felt like i had hit a brick wall. i was frustrated...becoming increasingly more depressed, self harming, when i had never done prior and excessive drinking to cope, hopeless and suicidal. many of my trauma symptoms became far worse than when i first started therapy. the transference issues kept leading to rupture after repeated rupture with very little progress from repair. i felt like a drowning hopeless mess. i could clearly see that talk therapy just was not quite doing it for me and that i needed to try something else. for me, it was starting nuerofeedback therapy with another practitioner while i still remained in talk therapy with my T and also focusing on internal 'parts' work mainly in my own time and with the help of my husband. the nuerofeedback help to calm my emotional dysregualtion so i could start participating in therapy without becoming triggered or severely dissociated and the parts work i was doing with my husband helped me (little parts) to form a secure attachment to him instead of frustratingly trying to form an unrealistic and always disapointing one with my T. i made significant progress my last year of therapy because of the neurofeedback and the personal internal work i was doing on my own. i 'graduated' from therapy just over 18 months ago and continue to feel quite content and satisfied with my life and the forward personal growth i continue to achieve.

have you read Bessel van Der Kolks book 'The Body Keeps the Score'?

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00G3L1C2K...ng=UTF8&btkr=1

he explains why talk therapy alone is not practical for overcoming truama, especially complex truama issues and discusses many alternative methods that are helpful to do in conjunction with talk therapy. it was in this book that i learned about the nuerofeedback. it is was reading this book that instilled a glimmer of hope that there were other options available to help me get better and that there are some practitioners out there who actually do 'get it' and understand better ways to address our complex pain.

I was done 7 years ago when the whole drama with the last T finally ended.

I am not even going to wait till I am in a place to find a better fitting T. I am just completely DONE. For life. Not going back to that ****. There isn't going to be a better fitting T for me. With the amount of work I've done on my own, none of them would be able to understand what I need and what I want. I don't care if it sounds arrogant and/or narcissistic, but there is no T out there who comes close to the level of understanding I have achieved as a result of my work. There is no T who'd have anything of substance to offer me. I can see through their games, I know their little "methods" and "techniques" inside out and I know all the theoretical BS behind it that justifies their use. Not buying into this any more.

There are so many things other than therapy to try for self-improvement and, IMO, often it's best to experiment with a bunch simultaneously rather than trying to rely on one only. Also, therapy (even with the best fitting T) definitely does not work for everyone. It did little for me personally while many others self-help and lifestyle things can be very effective (e.g. good eating and sleep habits, exercise, scheduling, surrounding myself with positive and compatible people, choosing rewarding and highly enjoyable occupations etc). I have a certain default tendency for self-destructive behaviors but I never wanted to accept engaging in them and not caring, I am just trying to accept they are part of me and minimize the harm by choosing less negative outlets. And balancing with lots of constructive, positive activities. Not skills per se but actions, positive environment, good people, fulfilling engagements.

There will always be people on this forum who suggest not giving up on therapy or that it may work someday if you find the right T at the right time, because they have found it helpful. I think that's great but no one should feel that they are not doing something right because therapy is not for them. In my case, for example, I love these discussions on psychology and therapy and they have a positive effect, but actual therapy did not or very minimally. To each their own

My thing is that I have had good therapy with good Ts before, and I also have to be in therapy (not that I ever didn’t want to be or wasn’t, just my school “mandated” it after I was hospitalized...yes, please mandate something I’m already doing to make yourself feel useful...*eye roll*). I don’t think I would do well without therapy, considering I can hardly go a week without talking to my therapist. But, for whatever reason, it’s just not working with this current T. She’s a good therapist and I’m invested in therapy (although often am scared to share), but maybe we’re just not the right fit? Or maybe we just haven’t cliqued yet but will? I’m not sure.

well said...this reflects many of my own feelings as well to the personal progress i have made both during and post therapy. i also feel that they won't be able to understand me or my needs and i no longer care or fear that i need to try to get those needs met by paying a T over a hundred dollars of out of pocket money each week.

i use to feel exactly the same...but i could not even go a day without having some kind of verbal contact (email or text exchange)...

if anything, listen too and trust your gut. if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. took me a wee while to figure that one out but once i did, life definilty started changing for the better and moving forward for me.

hope this situation starts to become clearer for you because it is a tough one to feel stuck in