[Lrad123]

I know this is ridiculous, but please humor me while I go through this phase. I momentarily have a desire to be the perfect client for my T. I realize that’s not the way it’s supposed to go, but I’d like to at least think it through and would like input from PC. I was expected to be “perfect” as a child and basically sort of was, and possibly still am in some ways. My father took his own life when I was a teenager and for a long time afterwards I wondered if I had been better or different or more perfect, if maybe he would have chosen to live. Obviously, now, as an adult, I understand that’s not the way it works, yet I find myself wanting to be more perfect for my T. This comes as we’ve begun talking about the possibility of me switching to a different T, so there are clear parallels with my father leaving, I guess. Yay, transference!

Anyway, I feel like I’m one of the most IMperfect clients that my T has. I’ve had negative transference with my T for a while and I want to turn that around. He says he rarely experiences negative transference with other clients because he is perceived as kind and easy to talk to. I don’t want to be the outlier. I’ve done harder things and I can definitely do this.

Here’s what I’ve go so far. Apparently I’m his only client who emails him, so I’m going to stop. Also, I’m definitely going to stop the angry, F *** You emails (they’re rare anyway) which technically shouldn’t be a problem since I won’t be emailing him. Today I cried in session which was new for me. I think he liked that and now I wish I could do it a little more easily. Also, I know I need to talk more which is super hard for me. Maybe if I journal more, then I’ll come up with more things to talk about. I want to look like I’m trying and part of me wants to keep him interested and entertained.

I know this post might come off as flippant because the mature, adult part of me is aware that this might not be the way therapy works, but the teenage version of me needs to figure this out, stat! I welcome your input. Are there ways to be a better client? A user’s manual would be nice, but apparently they don’t exist. Also curious if anyone else has gone through this phase?

[Salmon77]

I have often felt the desire to be a "good client," basically to cause no problems, be on time, pay on time, be interesting and appropriate and not too much bother. I talked to my T about this and he asked what would be "bad" client behavior to me. He said that anything outside of physical assault and stalking his kids is something we would talk about and work with. So I think the point was that he's not seeing me because I'm "good" and wouldn't stop seeing me if I was "bad," so I should just act however I want and let the chips fall.

Journaling is definitely a helpful thing for me, sometimes I go through recent journal entries right before session to see what I want to talk about.

[SalingerEsme]

How do you know this is transference, and not a genuinely uncomfortable fit? There's something about your T resorting to the heresay perceptions of his other clients that strikes me as defensive ( my T told me he is well known by everyone as a win-win guy. I love my T, but he is not a win-win , easygoing guy!) .

I get the desire to be the perfect client, and I try sometimes too bc I feel guilty my dx and childhood story/ ACES score is kind of grim; I wish I could bring him something better, with a good moral or a happy twist.

One thing my T stresses is that perfect attendance is more than meaningful, bc many clients forget or reschedule heedlessly. My T is big on client's who use therapy to change their outside lives, so I work super hard to concretely apply what we discussed and tell him how I did and if it worked. He likes that. My T is very strict about the frame/ boundaries, so I don't ask for extra sessions and I have never once called him on the phone in 3 years. Mostly I try to grasp the idea that therapy is for me, and not to people please him. He and I are both overachievers, and he can sniff out that perfectionism and will say STOP trying to please me, and will have none of it. The two times he has been proud of me haven't been things I predicted.

I relate to your desire to be perfect now that the shadow of ending with him looms, and emailing remorse. I think if you could sit with a few other T's and get a feel for how they work, it could be valuable information for if this is the right fit?

[Anne2.0]

Maybe it's less about you wanting to be perfect for him, and more about you wanting him to be perfect for you. If I were to play armchair therapist, I might guess this is the source of your anger, with a childhood history of a parent who was the definition of imperfect (sort of? one definition?).

One of my closest friends lost her mother to suicide when she was 18, and she is very, very perfect. Awesome career and leadership in a career when women rarely rose to that level, and a perfect caretaker for people in her family, sacrifices herself (and doesn't even feel resentful and certainly doesn't hold herself out to be an kind of martyr). Since I don't need any caretaking from her, I often get pushed aside for those who have "emergencies". She is so one of the kindest and thoughtful people I know, although she's often frustrated with me when I'm not perfect, when the slings and arrows of life cause me emotional pain. She has one of the finest minds I've ever experienced. Maybe you see some of this in yourself (I do, at least in a way the internet allows).

But how to be a better client? This is a serious question. I don't think it has anything to do with sending angry emails or having negative transference. I think you can do anything (besides a serious attack on a T, which I think your emails don't come close to counting) as long as you also engage in introspection about where the negativity and desire to communicate in this way comes from, what it means to you, and what you need to move from this place into one where you find some sense of peace and acceptance about whatever you are working through. I think being willing to tolerate what it takes to dig around in your past and its connection to the present, being open and authentic about where the exploration leads you, and being reflective and thoughtful about what and where you choose to go from here, I think that's the stuff of the perfect client. (You may be doing all that I realize, but I haven't seen you discuss this).

I think my version of behavior that keeps me stuck is likely to be in politeness and niceness, or maybe its positive transference in psychodynamic terms. For me some of the biggest moments of realization or insight or whatever have come when I drop the good girl routine and "school" my T about how his understanding or interpretation is wrong because of X, and it's the X that is something I haven't realized before.

I don't know if I am making any sense or in the neighborhood of what you're asking, but I don't think your inquiry here is ridiculous in any way. It feels like you trying to do things differently in therapy, which is always a positive attempt in my book.

my father took his own life when I was a teenager and for a long time afterwards I wondered if I had been better or different or more perfect, if maybe he would have chosen to live.

The way your T works brings these transference feelings to the surface with intensity. Your T works similar to mine, so I think exploring these feelings with your T would likely result in your being as 'perfect' of a client as you can be. Talking about and exploring instead of acting out...

You have discussed feeling abandoned by your T, which in some ways might parallel feeling abandoned by your father. These feelings may manifest in other areas of your life. People pleasing and need for approval are common, but prevent you from being you and instead, leave you enmeshed with others where what others do or feel defines who you are. If your T remains neutral and non-reactive while exploring these feelings, your sense of self and psychological boundaries can be solidified or defined appropriately.

I don't think trying to be the ideal client will work. Why not talk about wanting to be the ideal client, just as you did here? It sounds like you are getting at core issues.

[ArtleyWilkins]

It's interesting that you say the teenage version of you needs to figure this out because so many of your reactions recently (the ultimatum thread, the FU email, etc.) definitely sound like the behaviors of a teenager.

I don't remember if you and your therapist have explored that teenager within you or not, but perhaps that may be something that could use some more consideration right now.

I teach teenagers and have raised several myself, and if I had a teenager wanting to act out that way, generally what I recognize is that they often are acting in anger and don't necessarily know really what they are angry about but lash out at whomever happens to be in the line of fire. It sounds like your teenager has good reason to have been really angry in real time.

One boundary I always set with my students and my kids is they don't get to take their personal stuff out on me or other students. I say to them that I understand they seem to be having a bad time right now, but I ask that they not take it out on the rest of us. Usually, they appreciate just the fact that I realize and acknowledge they aren't meaning to be mean to me or others, and they at least slow down and find some control for that moment/period, etc. Almost without fail, when they come in the next day, they apologize and give some sort of explanation (which I don't require at all); they are just relieved they didn't get in trouble with me for their acting out previously and are appreciative. I simply reply, it's okay. I'm glad they seem to be feeling better today, and we move on.

In your case, you may need to be the adult to your teenager. That's hard to do, but I've been there myself. It can be done. Asking yourself to breathe, maybe journal or burn off some energy walking or something might be ways to give that teenager the time to think before she acts (a constant problem for many teenagers).

I know from experience if I engage with those kids in the midst of their acting out, it is like adding fuel to a fire and rather than calming down, they use the opportunity of engagement to pretty much lose it. Space and time often work much better in those situations. I'm wondering if your therapist restricted emails, etc. because he saw you using it impulsively and that was feeding your anger rather than getting you to slow yourself down and find ways to gain some control on your own. Also, using email to talk and then not talking in session might have been another problem that your T might be trying to work around.

Just throwing out some ideas. I could very well be completely off here.

I don't think there is a "perfect" client; I know you realize that too. Perhaps thinking about this instead as how can you make your sessions and communication with your therapist more effective.

I know you've been having a difficult time lately. I hope you can get past this particular barrier. I know you're frustrated.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

So I think the point was that he's not seeing me because I'm "good" and wouldn't stop seeing me if I was "bad," so I should just act however I want and let the chips fall.

Yes, I think I know this intuitively, but also feel like I want to make up for how “bad” I’ve been to him due to the negative transference and show him I can be different. I do like the journaling idea and already sort of do that. Sometimes what felt important to me to write down feels unimportant when I get to my session though, and that part is tricky. In general I’m not a big talker especially if it involves talking about myself, so I need to figure out how to get better at this. Your T sounds good, btw.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

How do you know this is transference, and not a genuinely uncomfortable fit? There's something about your T resorting to the heresay perceptions of his other clients that strikes me as defensive ( my T told me he is well known by everyone as a win-win guy. I love my T, but he is not a win-win , easygoing guy!) .

I get the desire to be the perfect client, and I try sometimes too bc I feel guilty my dx and childhood story/ ACES score is kind of grim; I wish I could bring him something better, with a good moral or a happy twist.

One thing my T stresses is that perfect attendance is more than meaningful, bc many clients forget or reschedule heedlessly. My T is big on client's who use therapy to change their outside lives, so I work super hard to concretely apply what we discussed and tell him how I did and if it worked. He likes that. My T is very strict about the frame/ boundaries, so I don't ask for extra sessions and I have never once called him on the phone in 3 years. Mostly I try to grasp the idea that therapy is for me, and not to people please him. He and I are both overachievers, and he can sniff out that perfectionism and will say STOP trying to please me, and will have none of it. The two times he has been proud of me haven't been things I predicted.

I relate to your desire to be perfect now that the shadow of ending with him looms, and emailing remorse. I think if you could sit with a few other T's and get a feel for how they work, it could be valuable information for if this is the right fit?

I guess I assume it’s negative transference because that’s what my T called it and it seems right based on what I’ve read about it. I have had some reactions towards him that seem way out of proportion given the circumstances and he has been nothing but kind and patient with me. Regarding what his other clients think of him, he only responded honestly when I specifically asked him if he’s had negative transference with other clients, otherwise I doubt he would have brought it up. I also found a recent online review of him where the client stated, “I feel better after just 4 sessions with him.” This was right after I had just sent him an F You email, so I felt pretty crummy about that.

In any case, at my request, my T has given me the names of some other experienced T’s that he respects and I am meeting one of them in a couple of weeks. My T seemed genuinely pleased that I’m doing this in order to see what else is out there while also emphasizing that he is definitely not closing the door on me and is still willing to work with me. I thought that was nice.

I do like what you said about your T being able to sniff out perfectionism and call you on it. It makes me wonder if mine would do that. It seems like it might be a relief.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Maybe it's less about you wanting to be perfect for him, and more about you wanting him to be perfect for you. If I were to play armchair therapist, I might guess this is the source of your anger, with a childhood history of a parent who was the definition of imperfect (sort of? one definition?).

Yeah, sheesh. I hadn’t really even thought of that. It totally makes sense though. I do just want someone to “get me” (don’t we all?), and not just the nice, polite perfect version of me. I’m probably in for a huge let down if I’m expecting him to be perfect for me.

Anyway, I feel like I’m one of the most IMperfect clients that my T has. I’ve had negative transference with my T for a while and I want to turn that around. He says he rarely experiences negative transference with other clients because he is perceived as kind and easy to talk to. I don’t want to be the outlier. I’ve done harder things and I can definitely do this.

FWIW Lrad123, I think he's saying that your feelings are transference rather than you are 'less than' an ideal client. You seem to be living in the transference rather than using your observing ego to explore it.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by octoberful

The way your T works brings these transference feelings to the surface with intensity. Your T works similar to mine, so I think exploring these feelings with your T would likely result in your being as 'perfect' of a client as you can be. Talking about and exploring instead of acting out...

You have discussed feeling abandoned by your T, which in some ways might parallel feeling abandoned by your father. These feelings may manifest in other areas of your life. People pleasing and need for approval are common, but prevent you from being you and instead, leave you enmeshed with others where what others do or feel defines who you are. If your T remains neutral and non-reactive while exploring these feelings, your sense of self and psychological boundaries can be solidified or defined appropriately.

I don't think trying to be the ideal client will work. Why not talk about wanting to be the ideal client, just as you did here? It sounds like you are getting at core issues.

I don’t see him for another week, but , yes, I agree that talking about wanting to be the perfect client makes sense.

Here’s a dumb question for you. When you talk about “exploring these feelings” with my T, what exactly does that mean? Today we talked about it briefly, but then it seemed like we were done. So, how would one explore it more? I sort of asked my T and I think he said we were talking about thoughts and not the feelings. I’m not sure I really understand. I’m also not really sure how to keep that conversation going so that it feels satisfying and “worked through.”

Today we talked about it briefly, but then it seemed like we were done.

Talked about what? What was it like? Was it similar to how you expressed yourself here?

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

It's interesting that you say the teenage version of you needs to figure this out because so many of your reactions recently (the ultimatum thread, the FU email, etc.) definitely sound like the behaviors of a teenager.

I don't remember if you and your therapist have explored that teenager within you or not, but perhaps that may be something that could use some more consideration right now.

I teach teenagers and have raised several myself, and if I had a teenager wanting to act out that way, generally what I recognize is that they often are acting in anger and don't necessarily know really what they are angry about but lash out at whomever happens to be in the line of fire. It sounds like your teenager has good reason to have been really angry in real time.

One boundary I always set with my students and my kids is they don't get to take their personal stuff out on me or other students. I say to them that I understand they seem to be having a bad time right now, but I ask that they not take it out on the rest of us. Usually, they appreciate just the fact that I realize and acknowledge they aren't meaning to be mean to me or others, and they at least slow down and find some control for that moment/period, etc. Almost without fail, when they come in the next day, they apologize and give some sort of explanation (which I don't require at all); they are just relieved they didn't get in trouble with me for their acting out previously and are appreciative. I simply reply, it's okay. I'm glad they seem to be feeling better today, and we move on.

In your case, you may need to be the adult to your teenager. That's hard to do, but I've been there myself. It can be done. Asking yourself to breathe, maybe journal or burn off some energy walking or something might be ways to give that teenager the time to think before she acts (a constant problem for many teenagers).

I know from experience if I engage with those kids in the midst of their acting out, it is like adding fuel to a fire and rather than calming down, they use the opportunity of engagement to pretty much lose it. Space and time often work much better in those situations. I'm wondering if your therapist restricted emails, etc. because he saw you using it impulsively and that was feeding your anger rather than getting you to slow yourself down and find ways to gain some control on your own. Also, using email to talk and then not talking in session might have been another problem that your T might be trying to work around.

Just throwing out some ideas. I could very well be completely off here.

I don't think there is a "perfect" client; I know you realize that too. Perhaps thinking about this instead as how can you make your sessions and communication with your therapist more effective.

I know you've been having a difficult time lately. I hope you can get past this particular barrier. I know you're frustrated.

I love your story about working with teenagers. What a satisfying job, and you sound like you are good at it. I have 2 of my own, so you’d think I would understand that version of myself better, but it seems like it pops up out of nowhere and is certainly not representative of the well-behaved teenager I was years ago. I like your advice about not reacting right away. I think now that I’m aware that these teenage feelings get stirred up in therapy, maybe I can figure out how to channel that angst a bit better.

Regarding my T’s restriction of email replies, I think your reasons are spot on. I also think his being very supportive and open to me exploring new T’s is, to my surprise, allowing me to feel more open and less negative towards him. It’s not entirely different than giving a teenager more space and more power and freedom to make their own decisions when they need it. It feels liberating to meet with someone new even if I don’t end up switching T’s. As a parent of teens, I understand the importance of letting them have more and more control over their lives bit by bit even if some of the decisions they make might not be ones I agree with.

Maybe have a cup of Tea waiting and fetching T's slippers might help? 😉

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Jessica11

Maybe have a cup of Tea waiting and fetching T's slippers might help? 😉

Smart A*s! 😂. Just about snorted my glass of water as I read that!

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by octoberful

Talked about what? What was it like? Was it similar to how you expressed yourself here?

Yes, sort of. Am I done talking about it then? How do you know? Shouldn’t something feel resolved? Not trying to be dense here. Just trying to understand.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by octoberful

You seem to be living in the transference rather than using your observing ego to explore it.

Again, not trying to be dense, but what does this mean? I feel like you’re speaking in code! Speak to me like I’m a kindergartner, please.

[Waterloo12345]

Hiya, am defo humouring you as,
my view is that if you've acted prefect all your life then that possibly maladaptive behaviour is not one you want to replicate in therapy if you want to get anywhere.

I sau this from experience as I have been prefect- well tried bloody hard to be but of course one can never be prefect enough when one is pleasing the unpleasable. I then brought this dynamic to therapy until I realised what I was doing.

So I educated my self on the theory so I could understand and so impress, I brought dreams, she loved that until we both realised what I was doing, in between sessions I thought, tried to feel, meditated so I 'worked on' what we had discussed, she actually said I was a very good and quick client in this way, again before we realised, this was in the early days (now I'm a right pain in the ***), I hardly ever moaned about day to day crap (still try not to as it's a waste of time I feel), it was all high level 'work', I had always prepped what was bringing to session, with my interpretation, again to impress on how insightful I was, always tried to implement out of session, obvs paid on time, didn't miss sessions , wasn't late - the easy things.

So it worked I was prefect. We then had a rupture cause bits if me were like??? And she realised she'd been fooled - which is part of my problem. I can pass as high achieving v well. She owned up to it and now recognises and calls me out or questions if I'm being prefect waterloo.

[Waterloo12345]

Here’s a dumb question for you. When you talk about “exploring these feelings” with my T, what exactly does that mean? Today we talked about it briefly, but then it seemed like we were done. So, how would one explore it more? I sort of asked my T and I think he said we were talking about thoughts and not the feelings. I’m not sure I really understand. I’m also not really sure how to keep that conversation going so that it feels satisfying and “worked through.”

and

"You seem to be living in the transference rather than using your observing ego to explore it."

"Again, not trying to be dense, but what does this mean? I feel like you’re speaking in code! Speak to me like I’m a kindergartner, please."

My interpretation is that you may be speaking about the transference for your t but not what drives the transference. That will make you the prefect client and you'll talk and talk and talk.

So Anne gave an example of an imperfect parent and wanting your t to be prefect for you. That's transference or at least enacting a dynamic with yr t that is bourne out of your history.

So, you may just be talking about wanting your t to be prefect for you if the surface level chat.

Once identified there is less utility in talking about ilthe interaction with your t, then in then talking about the why's and wherefores of an imperfect parent.

I.e. you use the relationship as a springboard or arrow to something deeper but seems like you might not be getting of the board.

Or, if you are acting as a teenager, who was the important person in your life then? How did you act to them? How did they act to you? You might have to spend a few sessions on narrative before you can uncover the similarity between how you are reacting now to your t to how you reacted then.

Or, you are angry at your t, (I take that from the **** you enails). But why? Anger is an emotion that is hiding other more true, more honest, more reflective of what is happening feelings.

In my case it's fear of abandonment. I'm proportionally pissed off at her whe she goes on holiday. But why, why am I angry? It's because I fear she won't come back, why is that, cause in baby hood that happened and happened and happened.

It took some doing to get to what seems like this patently obvious conclusion and we are still not totally there yet.

[Waterloo12345]

To continue. Am on mobile so it's v v annoying to type.

Anyway, on the feelings and thoughts comment, your t may have to give you a bit of slack here. I started with thoughts, I think... Then I would say 'but what do I feel...'. Then I would describe the physiological response in my body. Then I would say 'I felt', not yet really at the I feel in a session.

So it takes time. This is a year of approx 2x a week.

[Waterloo12345]

Dunno, as Anne said, you may be doing all this anyway. If so my apologies.

On the ego observation point I take that to mean you want to do all these great things, talk more, feel more, reflect before doing, etc but for the wrong reasons. You are acting out your transference as a teen, instead of using your adult part to acknowkedge it, and (try) and set it to one side and do all those things for you not to please your t.

It's been v v v difficult for me. I think it's one reason I spilt into parts (not saying I have DID at all but I defo operate with different parts at different times and doc said it's the way you've developed to deal with all this crap (I paraphrase).

Anyway the point is I can 'see' myself acting like a child, and my adult side tries to figure out why, to understand it and then to put in place functional or adaptive strategies for dealing with the situ that has made me regress.

Still a work in progress. With my doctor, who gets the worst of it, I can literally write an email in 2 or more persons, with at least one being the part acting out and the other being the observing adult. The goal is to have the adult rule more and more of the encounters or more parts of them and the total integration.

[Waterloo12345]

Anyway good luck)

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I don’t see him for another week, but , yes, I agree that talking about wanting to be the perfect client makes sense.

Here’s a dumb question for you. When you talk about “exploring these feelings” with my T, what exactly does that mean? Today we talked about it briefly, but then it seemed like we were done. So, how would one explore it more? I sort of asked my T and I think he said we were talking about thoughts and not the feelings. I’m not sure I really understand. I’m also not really sure how to keep that conversation going so that it feels satisfying and “worked through.”

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Yes, sort of. Am I done talking about it then? How do you know? Shouldn’t something feel resolved? Not trying to be dense here. Just trying to understand.

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Again, not trying to be dense, but what does this mean? I feel like you’re speaking in code! Speak to me like I’m a kindergartner, please.

Sorry; I didn't mean to speak code-ish. I asked some questions about how you are doing things now to try to compare as I didn't knowhow to answer.

In rereading your OP, what you said seemed to come from the heart, with passion. That, to me, is part of exploring, so it seems you are already doing it. And you said you were brought to tears today, and this represents how things just sort of 'ended'.

Unfortunately, I don't have a good answer about why it feels it has ended though I'm guessing this means everything is contained rather than bleeding out like it was before when you were emailing, now to be continued next session.

What also comes to mind is that it takes time and much repetition; even years of it. Short term is that you may uncover insights that link your behavior with T with behaviors outside T, and how they relate to the loss of your father and needs that drove you to act on ways that may no longer be in your best interest. Hugely insightful. But it's often the experiencing part that is healing. Feeling and remembering the loss of your father, and T being your witness, understanding you and metaphorically holding you. You are opening your heart while connecting with T. I also think this work balances out your nervous system, activating the patasympayhetic nervous system.

Long term is that you experience being a seperate person with T, finding and living your true self. That you don't need his approval. But that is not about thinking but rather experiencing, which eventually changes the way your mind works.

You didn't seem to be 'in your head' when you wrote this as again, it seems to have come from the heart. Whereas before you spoke more rationally and logically. You said your more avoidant right? That comes with being more in your head than heart. Experiencing allows the pent up emotions to be released, which can be freeing. I like to think of the old theory about superego, id, and ego, but won't get into it.

About living in the transference-thats where you wouldnt link your feelings with T with feelings about your father, but it seems you are already moving away from that direction to being able to understand it with an observing ego. Not having an observing ego is similar to not having insight into what drives your behaviors. It cones with not having a strong sense of self, and seeing others not as they are but distorted.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

He says he rarely experiences negative transference with other clients because he is perceived as kind and easy to talk to. I don’t want to be the outlier.

Just noticed this bit. But you are an outlier, in the sense that you had a childhood experience statistically as an outlier, because you lost your father and because of the way you lost him. My son, who lost his dad to cancer when he was 12, has educated me (although my status as a young-ish widow is statistically small as well) about how "unusual" he feels and how difficult it is for him to feel that his peers understand him.

Kinda like stating the obvious, but it seems no surprise you're feeling like an angry teenager, given your life experience. I wonder if it makes sense to try to press on with this T because you may not get another chance to resolve whatever your T experience has tapped into about the loss of your father. I just have a small window into understanding how difficult that is, but I'd say pretty f*cking difficult even without the complication of how you lost him.

This is a very interesting thread with great suggestions already. IMO, perfect client (or perfect anything) does not exist but we can still aim to excel in whatever endeavor we engage in and have high standards for quality. I also think that the "perfect" client may mean many different things to different Ts, just like any other preferences people can have in life. I definitely wasn't anywhere near a perfect client, or even a good client, in my own judgment. I did not use therapy for it's primary purposes and then I quit with both Ts after less than a year each. I know I was an interesting person for them and a stimulating interaction partner, but not a client who would actually let them help me in any substantial way.

When I imagine being a therapist and what an appealing client would be for me and rewarding work: people who are able and willing to really be themselves (whether it makes me feel good or not) and people who actually use me and what I can provide as a professional. I would not mind negative transference or other negative reactions if I could figure out with the client what to do with them, how to use them for some purpose. I would like clients who challenge me, expose me to new things and make me try new approaches that would not occur to me otherwise. The main thing that would be hard for me, as I imagine, is clients who remain stuck for very long periods of time and would not show much interest in change - I think this would be hard because I would feel useless in that situation as a professional. I would not want to be the kind of T who just sits there and listens during a long string of sessions - there are many who work that way, I know I would not find it rewarding for me and would not have the patience. Someone introspective and collaborative, who expresses all sorts of thoughts, emotions and brings a great deal of curiosity and desire for improvement, would probably be the most interesting for me. I would definitely welcome a client who interacts and approaches therapy in ways that are less familiar to me, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant to me.

Interesting for me to read (in general on PC) that many people have a deep-seated tendency to act as good girls/boys as some sort of mask, to fit in and be accepted, and hide very significant emotions behind it. That's something I don't relate to much - for me, I have actually had to learn as an adult to be less outspoken and blunt over time and to consciously be a nicer, more accepting person. I do agree with others that these trends stem from childhood. In mine, there wasn't much significant judgment and direction and I was rarely told not to say what was on my mind, and often when I was told I just ignored and went to mind my business. My father was very open and outspoken (at at times a bit insensitive, mostly to others, rarely to me) in a similar way, so there weren't many limits of communication with him - it was very free and natural. My mom was very reserved and suppressed, including that she was suppressed and dominated by both of us (dad and me) most of the time. So when I grew a bit older, I realized that not everyone is like my father or me and I cannot communicate in that way with most people if I want to develop good social skills and be effective in reaching my goals.

I also tend to have high quality standards (not unreasonably high, I think) because I value anything done well and in uniquely creative ways. I try to align myself with those values and stand up to them and it is never easy(!!!) when I fall short. It happens regularly as I have been quite a high achiever in my whole life, but I don't want to give up and compromise below a certain level. I'm still learning how to cut myself a slack.

For me, my high quality standards are not so much relational... I can settle much more easily into being a less perfect or satisfying partner, mate, friend. For me, it is mostly related to my work/professional performance and relating to the objective value of what I produce (e.g. in science or as a piece of art). I can get sloppy, repetitive, inconsistent, hostile and whatnot in therapy and in personal relationships much more easily and with much less anxiety.

Now in retrospect, I think my relative lack of success with therapy was because I did not search enough to find the Ts that would be right for me. The first one was a superficial, overly emotional and reactive, dogmatic person. The second was someone who apparently loves to work with high achievers like me, but seemed to lack the discipline and no-nonsense, no-BS approach that I usually benefit from the most. None of them were very good matches with me, I believe, let alone perfect. I also don't think I shoot for the impossible because I had experienced before in my life quite a few times what it is like to collaborate with and inspired by someone who is a really good fit.

I don't think it is about perfection, or aiming for perfection. I think it is more about interpersonal compatibility - something that, in my good experiences (not with Ts so far) can serve as a very powerful catalyst and drive to progress.