In Session Today: Part VI

Thank you DP! I wish we lived closer also. But I also like driving so there’s that
Yeah, even though your t said he’s open to it, I can see how it’d still be really hard. 2 years can feel long in the moment. I just don’t know how to feel about what he said because I had no idea that he even felt like that.



This is kinda funny because while I was writing it out, I thought it reminded me of the dynamic between you and your T. Which I feel creepy saying lol because I don’t post a ton, but I read a lot. I’m hoping it’ll increase feelings of security in me eventually. I think it probably will but I was just really surprised if he was in fact being genuine.


I totally get where it could sound that way. I think I might’ve wondered about that also if it hadn’t been for some conversations we’ve had before. I’ve told him I’m attracted to him and he’s remained professional and talked about how we will have a safe relationship, it’s possible to have a relationship with a man where it doesn’t turn into sex, it’s possible to care about someone without being attracted to them, etc. (those are all thugs I struggle to believe can happen for me).

Not creepy at all, and I really felt the same when I was reading it. Your therapist sounds good and authentic to me. I think you should keep talking to your T about all your responses what he has said. He sounds like the kind of T who will be receptive to that kind of discussion, and there is a lot of value in that. If you ever want to compare notes, feel free to PM.

I actually dream of my T saying something like this and found it quite enjoyable to read your post. I'm sure many others would argue whether it was appropriate of your T or not but I don't see much wrong with it. I have a fantasy to be with my T that I know would not ever happen in reality and should the opportunity arise not be the best thing for me or him so I don't really want the fantasy to ever come true. What I do want to be true though is for my T to share similar feelings for me but know that nothing could happen and maintain the boundary. I would love for my T to share he would like to spend time with me but due to the nature of the therapy relationship he can't. For me, this is the best case scenario. It would still suck that there couldn't be a relationship of any sort outside the room but nice to know that he thinks the same.

SummerTime, It sounds to me like your T was being very authentic and honest. Especially because he concluded his statements by saying that "that door could never be opened" and "we will have a healthy relationship".

Now, having said that...I do think my little hairs would start to go up if he begins to go down this line of discussion more frequently. I wouldn't want to hear him carry on about how much he wishes the two of you could be pals outside of therapy. He has made his feelings known very clearly (and seemingly appropriately) in a context that hopefully normalized your own feelings...but now he needs to focus solely on you from this point forward...and leave his own stuff out of it from here on.

Hi all. I had to post about what happened today. It still makes me feel uncomfortable, 3 hours later. So I tried a new therapist today, to see if he could be a good backup or a good replacement when baby T swaps locations. He was super awesome with emails and I loved the answers to my initial questions but it was just a massive let down.

So I get there and he had 2 chairs and a couch. There was a tan chair and a brown. I was just walking toward the couch and he was like "Sit in the tan chair, the brown is my throne" So I instantly thought that was rather cocky. So I said down and he's like "How do you want to use this time?" I'm thinking um,, to talk? LOL.... He asked me about London because of my shirt and went on about how love of Harry Potter (who cares) and how he's barely traveled. Asked me where I have traveled and what movies I like etc. I get that he was trying to relax me and connect or whatever but it seemed like too long to be talking about BS. I had told him in one of my emails AND my intake forms I did online that I was avoidant and hate attention and therapy is hard for me. He went on to ask me about my friends and my family, who I was close to. I said none of my family. He was like "WHY" he kept asking "Why is that?" to stuff which was annoying and I was thinking, isn't that your job to figure out? If I had all the damn answers I wouldn't be here.

At one point he brought up my insurance (he is not currently covered on my plan) and asked why I chose that plan? I was like umm it was cheapest?? What the hell. He asked me why I had to have surgery, very intrusive stuff for someone I just met.

He asked about my T and "Tell me why you think it was more of a friendship" so I told him just the same stuff I share here, the massive amount of non therapy texts, and video chats, and how my friend even met him. He didn't ask any further info on any of it but rather said "Well that's unethical behavior" I was instantly upset and offended. I was open in my intake that I DO NOT WANT JUDGEMENT, I'm well aware of the judgemental folks out there and already very guarded on what I share with whom. My best friend knows the most but I've even kept stuff from her. He just went on a tangent sort of about ethical behavior. Rather than ever thinking to ask me if what he did helped me at all and it did. It really did. I'm not struggling because of our relationship, I'm struggling because I miss him. I don't get why that's so complicated to get

Anyway... so I got really scared by the way he said it and how judgemental it felt that I burst into tears. I just said that I love him and miss him still. I just want to talk to him. Dead silence for several minutes. I hated that feeling. I need them to at least keep talking, say or ask something. However nothing. I apologized for crying which I haven't done at all since I was a child. (T made me feel so comfortable and normal with it, I never did that with him and I never did with baby T or the other guy I saw and cried with). He had no reaction to my apology and no comment or anything on the crying, instead he was like "So what's your favorite pie?" Ummm what the hell?

The only other thing that came up about T was how he cut me off for 2 yrs. He looked confused and I was like you know the 2 year no contact thing? He was trying to be professional and ethical about it, and he was like "Why would he be ethical about that when he wasn't about anything else?" At that point I knew, there was NO WAY I was gonna feel anything but judgement about this topic with him. Is that how you handle grieving people? Wow, what a fantastic T. *eye roll*

Then he obviously didn't read my intake **** very well... he was asking about my dating history to which I said there was none. He asked about the closest relationship I ever had and I said "My T" and he was like "Are you serious?" (more judgement) and He was asking about why I don't trust people, if I feel people are generally safe.... there was no point in this entire session, I felt support or validation in any form. Might as well have been my mom leading the session

He made a stupid comment based on everything I'd said in emails and intakes "You have really low self worth" well no kidding sherlock, hence why I'm here... and he left it and went on to ask another stupid question about my favorite card game. He didn't try to find out the why's to anything. Just assumed I had all the info.

He came off very condensing and judgemental. I mean baby T wasn't comforting me when I cried, I only asked long term T for that but he kept talking, normalizing that emotion for me... and this time, I felt like I was being punished or something, it was weird and terrible. The silver lining if there is one, I would never attach to him.

He has a few ok things about him, like he's good about emails, he has the day of sessions for crisis but I could never feel safe talking to him about T stuff. I could only MAYBE talk to him about other issues, but even then, I'm unsure. I feel like emailing him this evening to explain how he made me feel. Even if I never see him again, he should be aware of that. He comes off super friendly but terrified me. I normally feel instantly safe around men but nope.

Oh and he made a comment that I thought was rather rude about T.... he was like "Well you can click with him, you can click with other people" Like no kidding idiot. I have had friends all my life, I'm not unable to make friends, I just prefer to be alone or distant. I don't want a close relationship, and I don't think you can CLICK with people that easily, at least not at the level I had with T. That was totally not the point at all of why I was there, I need help sorting my feelings from the loss.... not being told dumb things like I've never heard them before or I'm incapable of being human. Ugh, anyway... I'm disappointed, I had high hopes for him

It's been an interesting week in therapy so far, so I jotted down a recap (of session #1, at least):

I arrived for my first session of the week with plenty of time to spare, but somehow still felt rushed when my therapist opened his office door. I walked in, sat down, handed him a check for last month’s bill, and then… silence.

A mix of frantically thinking about what to say and wondering how he’d respond if I stayed silent went through my head--we’d had a conversation last week about how he often felt conflicted on whether to intervene when I stayed silent for long periods of time, how he didn’t want to interrupt my own natural process of seeing what turned up and what might emerge if I waited to speak, but also sometimes felt like he needed to say something in order to offer me something to grab hold of. I wasn’t sure whether this time I wanted him to intervene or not, but I felt hyperaware of the fact that he must be weighing the pros and cons, and maybe a little disappointed when he did come out and ask, “How are you feeling?”

I looked up at him and made eye contact briefly, then turned away as much as possible in my chair. “I feel like a mess. Not for any real reason--things are going well--but I feel like a complete mess. I was anxious about everything I did over the weekend, and then the aftermath was pretty brutal.”

He starts asking questions and I unpack my experiences over the weekend one by one. A stressful work situation, stressful social situations including one with some difficult family members, another challenging work situation. One by one, he points out the ways some of these specific things push my buttons. The way the family members’ behavior reminds me of an abusive childhood, the way the work situations hearken back to a complicated recent experience, the way this specific social situation represents something I’m both eager and terrified to experience. He’s right, and I find myself nodding over and over again as I slump down in the chair, not sure if I’m getting more comfortable or just more exhausted as the session moves forward.

I suddenly remember that amidst all of this, I haven’t mentioned that Saturday was the anniversary of someone close to me dying. So I tell him, and his immediate response, “Oh my goodness, oh GOSH” sounds ridiculous to me, and I look up and raise an eyebrow. He cocks his head and shrugs. “Well. I guess what I meant was that it sounds like that was a lot to deal with on top of everything else. It’s no wonder you were anxious and having a tough time.” I crumple into myself again, and start wondering how far along we are in the session, and whether if I suddenly started sobbing now I’d have enough time to put myself back together before having to leave.

I see him check the clock, and I wonder if he’s wondering the same thing.

A conversation I had the previous week pops into my head, so I start talking about that instead. I had lunch with an old friend who was visiting the area for a few days, and told him for the first time about a particularly difficult aspect of my childhood that I’m normally very private about. My therapist remarks on that, how unusual it is for me to share that detail with anyone, and asks what it was like. “It felt great, and also like skinning myself alive.” He nods, leans forward, makes some empathetic noises. Then asks how it feels to talk about this with him, and I laugh and turn away.

I start describing another of the weekend’s events again, and specifically what it felt like when the party ended. How intensely terrible I felt on my way home, how suddenly and abruptly my mind made the switch from enjoying myself to self-loathing. He remarks on how my description sounds like other times this has happened, but that there’s also a way I’ve described it that’s very different than usual. We talk about that for a few minutes, and I suddenly feel the need to reassure him that I’m fine. He doesn’t say anything in response. I go back to describing how I felt earlier.

He checks the clock again. “We have to stop in a minute, but I’m wondering if you would want to come back sooner than your usual appointment. That’s a couple of days from now, and it seems like it might be useful for you to continue this particular conversation sooner.” I’m kind of puzzled, and look up at him to see what his expression is like. He looks neutral as he asks again, “Is that something you’d be interested in, if the scheduling works?” I nod, then shake my head and narrow my eyes at him, saying “Yes, I would. But you know I’m fine, right? I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me.” He says yes, he knows I’m okay, but thinks it might be productive to add an extra session if we can, that it might make it possible to go into this issue in more depth than we could otherwise.

I pull out my phone and start looking at my calendar, and he does the same. We find a time the next day. I hesitate but ultimately say yes, relieved and a little weirded out at the same time. I start picking up my coat, and say “See you tomorrow. “ He repeats it back, with a polite smile. I rush out of the office, even though I don’t have any real reason to hurry, thinking about what might happen when I come back the next day.

star fishing

Sounds like a good session overall and a really nice therapist. I hope today goes well too. I myself have back to back next week and I haven't done that since May of 2017 with my original T and I hated it, was too much for me. I hope it goes better for me this time. Good luck today

Today’s session was intense but useful. R text me beforehand to say that she was running a little late. We sat down and she complimented me on my hair cut.
‘How are you doing? I got your e-mail –sorry I didn’t write back.’
‘This time of year is tough. My shoulders have been up around my ears since Friday.’
Stupidly, I did not mention the associated pain.
I explained that a friend asked how I am on Friday. ‘I lied.’
‘That makes you sound like a dishonest person, but I know you’re not. What was the motivation behind that lie?’
‘If I tell the truth, there is some permutation of “What can I do to fix this?”’
‘From the other person?’
‘Yes, and there isn’t really anything anybody can do. I have been that person.’
‘Do you think it is hard to be in that situation?’
‘Yes.’ I soon changed tack. ‘My friend asked how I was and upon hearing that I was fine told me something. I cannot be there for anybody else at the moment.’
‘That strikes me as a really honest thing to say.’
‘Yes. I wanted to censor the hell out of that email, but I didn’t.’

‘You didn’t? Was that the Critic?’

‘Yes.’

‘It seems like you spend a lot of time trying to work out the right way to say something, and that is tiring before anything else.’

‘I use language to make myself understood, like anyone else…’ I laughed as I said that, realising how daft it sounded. R also laughed.

‘I am trying to be more open with people at the moment, because that is the only way I am going to get through the next few weeks. When I introduce somebody new, I have to explain to them that though there were people who lied, Chris did not lie.’
I explained that Chris’ death was a single incident, but what they other people put me through was multiple incidents. ‘Multiple incidents are always going to hurt more than single incidents.’ I got a little bit angry then, on the theme of being ill-equipped or unequipped to watch somebody die.

‘Hand, please.’ She gave me her hand.

‘Multiple times, I watched her die. I was not there, and yet I had a ringside seat.’

‘You were not there and yet you feel as though it happened to you. Go there, Lost. Stay with it, you’re safe.’
‘Now I’ve paused for breath, I am back in the bathroom. Why the **** would one human being do that to another?’

‘Is that a question you need an answer to?’

‘No, but I need to ask it. That doesn’t make sense.’

‘Makes total sense.’
‘Unless you’re a monster, you don’t continue to add to somebody else’s pain.’

‘No.’

I talked about the frustration of not being able to translate, and the fear that if I allowed myself to feel it fully I would be unable to cope.
‘Because of all you have been through, we didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

‘What is in that ‘but’ for you?’

‘Contempt’

‘We know what you have been through, but we are going to carry on with what we are doing anyway. There is a saying that you can ignore anything somebody says before a but.’

R gave me a ten minute warning, and I showed her a new poem.

‘This line sticks out to me – “Unsure whether to weep or scream, I end up doing neither.’”
She went on to say that she experiences me as talking very intellectually. There is little emotion, everything takes a great deal of thought. She said that she has known people in her personal life as well as her professional life completely break down when something traumatic happens to them.
‘Being emotional doesn’t make you less of a beautiful poet, writer, user of language. You are still you.’
I sat there nodding for a few minutes. ‘Wow, thank you.’


‘You’re welcome. I feel like that has been brewing for a while now.’

‘There’s something I wanted to bring up before we finish today.’ I could barely look at her as I said the words. ‘When I am there, I am over here, and you are here.’

‘This happens [I look away] and this happens [my hair covers my face]’
‘Yes. Also< I feel quite alone with it, and I do not want to.’

R said that because of the way the room where we meet is arranged ‘It’s an easy escape for you.’

She recalled the time I got upset in session (last November)

‘I don’t want to bring up a difficult time for you, but I remember that I sat close to you and held your hands.’ She said that she didn’t want to be too directive, but seemed to understand why I need the connection.
‘I could see it was hard for you to ask. I don’t know what you need. I can second guess, but it helps when you are able to ask.’
‘After all, my inability to ask for what I need got me into this.’

‘That’s progress, the fact that you can make that link.’

I went in feeling pretty bad about a problem at work, had a lot of trouble talking, snapped at T a couple times. He kept relating the present day situation and my reactions to childhood stuff, which is probably accurate but I am tired of it. He always prefaces these observations with "what you're doing is not wrong". I told him everytime he says this I know I must be doing something wrong because otherwise he wouldn't comment on it. I'm pretty sure neither of us were capable of doing anything right today, though.

Thanks. Yes, it was a good, pretty typical session. My therapist is great, and I'm lucky. He's a good counterexample to the stereotype that psychoanalysts are all cold and withholding. It's a huge contrast to some of my previous therapy experiences... sessions are difficult, but they nearly always feel useful.

I haven't decided yet whether to share the other two sessions from this week, but they went well too. I hope the back to back scheduling goes well for you next week.

Starfishing, you really capture that layered process of trying to understand what the therapist is thinking while plumbing what you think and feel. There's so much going on in every moment.

I really enjoyed this write-up and I like the relationship you have with your T. I particularly enjoyed your description of the silence since I feel like I’ve had that exact experience with similar thoughts running through my head. It’s somehow comforting to hear someone else describe it. It’s sort of an awkward few moments that I would find hard to explain, but you describe it so well.

Today's session was great. We talked about the fact that I feel I can't talk to him anymore. Talked about what caused it, which lead to some discussion about fear of abandonment. He even confirmed that he wasn't going anywhere, which was nice. We also talked about self disclosure and how it's okay to have some of it as long as it's related to the client. He also said he's never shared anything specific about his kids in a session before, which for some reason surprises me.

He made sure to tell me that I'll eventually get hurt again, that he's aware of that and that we can talk about it. And that I could call him next week if I felt the need.

It felt like a really valuable session.

Thanks, it's good to hear that came across. Therapy is such a strange experience sometimes; it's always so odd to try to describe.

Thank you, I love knowing that I'm not the only one who's felt that particular way.

I'm really happy with how things are with this therapist. It's a little hard to capture, but he's very warm and human while also being very committed to his professional responsibility and using the various tools at his disposal well.

Today T was teasing me about something to which I responded "f**** you". T laughed and said "good on you" and squeezed my arm. He can be a little odd I'm really going to miss him.

Sounds like how I was with mine, are you ending therapy?

Aye, only 3 sessions left. Thoroughly dreading it, already losing sleep :'(

Had a second to last session with t today. I checked in and told her a little about my new t. She said she thinks he's a good fit and that she's excited for me to be working with a male t because I am not the most comfortable with men. Services through this new agency are only temporary so she said if I want to come back afterward I am welcome to. We made one more appointment in two weeks and then I will be done with her for now since she doesn't think having two ts is a good idea.

That's brave of you to see a guy, I hope it works for you. Maybe someday I will get comfortable enough to try a female T... but right now I struggle even shutting down with men, so I can't imagine how difficult it would be

I am myself debating on having 2... I guess all you can do is try. If nothing else, keep one as a back up if you ever need it

Thank you. I wouldn't mind having two ts but a lot of ts don't like the idea. If you find ts cool with it I say go for it. My old t will be a backup in the event it ends up being too hard for me working with a guy.

Saw baby T yesterday... I was bummed due to weather I only had 1 of my 2 sessions scheduled. I ended up seeing the other T on Wed just in case.
Anyway... it was ok overall. I wrote a letter to my long term T to read to baby T since this weekend is 2 yrs since I met my T. It was ok. I was crying so much that he offered me tissues which has never happened for me in therapy.... (offering tissues part) and then all he said was "That was brave of you to share that, sounds like there is a lot of guilt there" Wow... really? So, I HATE when T's thank me for sharing things, it sounds so rehearsed and like they are patting me on the back for something silly. Drives me crazy. I was rather disappointed in his lack of response. I shared ALOT of personal and painful **** in there... and it was just like it didn't matter. I regretted sharing it instantly. Granted it was probably a lot on me because there was 10 min to go when I finally read it but still.

At one point, I brought up another issue I'm having that seems to be preventing me from progressing, because I'm "stuck" mentally... and emotionally. I have deep betrayal feelings with my T about seeing any other T. To the point where I refuse ANYTHING that might help me in therapy if he and I used to do it. I even got actually pissed off at the other T (well not to his face but just in my own time) for using smileys in emails. I was furious he was trying to be chummy. Anyway... baby T basically again "praised" me like I'm a child... by saying "it's great you know the triggers and are able to express them" wow... he was reading off a script I think

He's been good in the sense that he has never once judged anything I've shared about my unconventional relationship with T... but idk, I left feeling like ok 'He's sick of this topic as much as I'm sick of talking about it' so I think I am gonna work on the grief alone from here on out. I will save sessions for self worth or something. Although I really do think I need another break from therapy. I'm just so tired of it all. Nothing seems to help. Maybe I'm beyond help, who knows.

"Beyond help"? Does that seem likely? That is a very extreme interpretation of your hurt. You are struggling, but you are not so beyond the limits of the human condition that you can't heal and accept a caring interaction.

Well it is, if I'm not open to doing stuff and remain stuck in this mental state. I don't believe they can actually "help" me through this. Talking is just talking. the pain still remains.

I agree that talking is not enough. What has driven you to see multiple therapists if you don't believe that they can help you?