In Session Today: Part VI

Half of today’s session was taken up by forward planning, but R and I had a productive conversation over safety. The sense of safety I feel at work magnifies the sense of unsafety I feel in other aspects of my life.
‘When somebody asks who I am …’ I began to laugh helplessly.
‘It’s so good to hear you laugh!’
‘When somebody asks how I am, I say “Work’s good”.’
We talked about my desire to create more spaces where I feel safe. I showed her the mind map I had drawn briefly. We agreed that we will talk more about that next session. I said that I believe that safety should be intrinsic, but I feel as though it isn’t for me since about three years ago.
‘When you experience something which affects you so deeply, it makes sense that you would struggle to feel safe.’

Extra T session Friday. This will be in 2 parts because the first section is already really long. Friday, Part 1: Went back and sat down. I said I wasn't sure what thing in particular I was so upset about. T: "Let's talk it through and figure it out." Cross-posting in LT's thread--if you have comments beyond, say, "sounds like a good session," please put them there

Talked a bit about a topic from last session that I didn't go into that led to a discussion of transference. T: "I'm curious about something. You seem to be calling any sort of attraction to a therapist 'transference.' Why do you think it necessarily has to be transference? People can just find each other attractive." Me: "Oh, I think it can just be attraction, too. I've told you this before, but when I first met you I thought you were attractive. So obviously that couldn't have been transference. Whereas with ex-MC, I think it was because, well, uh, I didn't find him particularly attractive when I first met him." T: "Like he's not someone you would have been attracted to normally?" Me: "Yeah." T: "Some people can become more attractive the more you get to know them." Me: "Yeah, or less attractive." T: "True. But also it makes sense in therapy, because here's this person being what might seem like the perfect partner. Like the ideal date, you can just talk about yourself and the other person will listen intently." Me: "Well, the parts where I end up crying, that's not so much the ideal date." T: "True." Me: "Or if my date was like, 'So tell me about your mother.'" T: "I don't think I've said those exact words--that's a little too cliche." Me: "Yeah."

Me: "So for why I used 'transference' with you--I guess maybe part of is that it seemed less...threatening? Not sure if that's the right word. But the way you reacted to the stone, with it being about you...I figured if I put it out there as 'transference,' maybe that would bother you less? I don't know." (Note to those who don't know the background--he gave me a stone as a transitional object when I requested one, then when I told him I'd held it and it had comforted me, and I hoped that wasn't weird, that he said it was maybe 10% weird. Which led to a rupture.)

T: "Well with the stone, we hadn't been working together that long" (it was like 8 months...). T: "And the thought of you getting comfort from something that was a part of me, I had some discomfort with that. And I felt I had to listen to that discomfort." Me: "I still don't really get the 'part of me' thing. It's not like I was holding your hair clippings." T: "True, it's a couple steps removed from that." Me: "........" Me: "But you understand it all more now, right? Because I do have that other stone, and I only hold it occasionally." T: "Yes, now I understand better." Me: "OK, good."

Part of the following exchange does not reflect particularly well on my T, but including it anyway. I find comments he makes like this to help keep the transference at bay. I forget how we specifically got on this part. Maybe my wondering if ex-MC felt attracted to me, because I got that sense at times? Ah, yeah, it was in talking about the transference for him. Me: "Like with ex-MC, at first he seemed to convince me it was mostly paternal transference. But then in the second individual session, he asked if I had any sexual fantasies about him." T: "He asked you that in your second meeting?" Me: "Second individual session. Not our second marriage counseling session!" T: "OK, I was gonna say, that's pretty direct!" Me: "Yeah!" I think in there I said I wondered if he felt attracted to me, just because of how he acted toward me sometimes.

This is the not-so-good part: T: "If I have really attractive clients, I find that I'm often more cold and distant toward them. Like I'm trying to be careful not to be acting toward them a certain way and maybe overcorrecting." Me (thinking, "why are you telling me this???"): "Hm." T also threw in there that his two summer interns are young, blonde females, which made me give him a bit of a death glare (doubt he noticed--I'm neither young nor blonde). Me: "So...if you're cold and distant toward your 'really attractive' female clients, I guess that means you don't think I'm really attractive? Or else you're really warm to most other clients?" T: "Or that I'm a really good actor." Me (in my head): ???????

We then went to something that redeemed him a bit to me. T said that he's complimented some clothing I've worn before, but that he was careful to see how I reacted to that before he did it again. Me: "I'm fine with you commenting on things I'm wearing. It makes me feel seen and like you're paying attention. And you'll say things like, 'I like your shirt,' which is all good and different from, say, 'that shirt looks good on you.' Which maybe would be OK in the right context. Or like if you comment on the fact that I'm wearing new shoes, which these aren't. It's like you're really seeing me." T: "Those are your favorite shoes to wear lately. For a bit, you were wearing some shoes that were the same color as your purse, not sure whether to call them coral or salmon." Me: "Yep, salmon, I'd say. I got a stain on them so that's why I stopped wearing them." T: "Ah!" Me: "I'm not sure that H even notices my shoes..." (Note, these are casual sneaker style ones from Skechers--not like strappy sandals or high heels or anything remotely sexy).

T said he got the sense maybe I wanted to talk about some other stuff from the previous session. Like my dad. I started tearing up and said, "Yes, apparently we need to talk about that because I'm crying now." Will put that stuff in Part 2.

T Friday part 2. So we started talking about my dad some. I was quite emotional and think I went through about 20 tissues for that part of the sessions. Some of what we talked about is a bit hazy. I said how I thought part was triggered by his comment Thursday about how many girls/women go to their mother for most things, but will go to their father in a crisis. And I wouldn't think to go to my dad for that. I mean, if I had car trouble or something, yes. But not something emotional. I never felt like I could go to him for those sorts of things.

T said that seemed sad. And that it seemed like maybe I was grieving what I missed out on in childhood and even now. I said yes, it feels that way. And how it can be hard shopping for Father's Day cards because some are so sappy and my relationship with my dad just wasn't that way. And I'll only buy a card if I feel what it's saying is accurate. And therapy has made shopping for Mother's Day cards much harder, too, because I used to get the "Not just my mother, also my friend!" ones and don't know if that seems to fit anymore.

Me: "Last night it just felt like I was starting to go into this dark place. And that's part of why I wanted this session, to try to head that off." T: "Well, I hope it helps." Me: "Thanks, I think it helps to just get the feelings out."

I said how my dad often seemed to mainly care about my mom's feelings, like if I was upsetting her, he'd stick up for her and be upset with me for upsetting her. T: "Wow, it seems like everything really revolved around your mom's feelings." Me: "Yeah, I mean, my dad would even refer to her as 'the warden' at times." T: "Hm." Me: "Like she was the disciplinarian, never my dad."

There were a couple times in the session where T was talking and it was like I had a realization about something else at the same moment. I started crying at one of those and said I wasn't crying about what he was saying. He asked what made me cry. Me: "I think it's like...you and ex-MC being caring and accepting and understanding toward me...it helps show what I didn't get from my dad, like what I missed out on. I mean, not that you're that way with your kids all the time of course, but that I missed the chance to at least have someone who understands anxiety, for example." T made an empathetic sound and seemed genuinely sad for me.

The rest of what we talked about is a bit fuzzy (when I'm really emotional, my memory tends not to be as good), but it was all centered around what I felt I missed out on. T said how there's still time to change things with my dad. I said how he'd seemed warmer lately, maybe just since my D was born? Or since he lost his father a couple years before that, one of very few times I ever saw him cry? I said how maybe part of what's hard is seeing my dad act very loving toward D, like always being sure to say he loves her, and that I don't recall him being like that when I was a kid. Though he definitely says he loves me more often now.

T said how becoming parents can often put our relationships with our own parents in a different light. I agreed. He said how maybe now with D, I understand some of their struggles. But that I'm also probably trying to make up for that with D, which I agreed with. T said he wondered if I could talk to my dad about any of this, what that might look like. I said I felt I had a better chance of a good outcome with him than with my mom. He said some past clients had been pleasantly surprised by such conversations. I said I'd think about it.

We were at like 55 minutes. I said I knew we had to stop. I felt a bit like I was going to be sick (maybe from all the crying and not being able to eat that morning). I stood up and threw away my tissue pile. T: "I wish I was leaving you in better shape." Me: "It's OK. I'll be OK." (crying a bit more) T: "I just feel I'm leaving you with all these big things that came out." Me: "Yeah." T: "I feel like this was bad timing, with this weekend being Father's Day." Me: "Yeah, and I see my parents Sunday." T: "Well, remember, I'm seeing you Monday. I know we're not due to meet the second time next week till Friday, but if you find want to move it sooner, to Wednesday for example, we can do that. And I know you tend to feel weird about having an extra session like this, but I want to make it clear that I'm completely fine with it." Me: "Thanks." His saying all that made me feel really cared for.

Went over to pay. T, shaking my hand: "I hope you can have a good weekend. And that it goes OK with your dad." I started crying again. Me: "I'm sorry." T: "You don't have to apologize for crying. It doesn't bother me." Me: "Thanks. I guess if it bothers you, you're in the wrong profession." T: "True! Well, I hope it's a good father's day for your dad and the other fathers in your life." Me: "Yeah, like the father of my daughter." T: "Yes." Me: "I guess, Happy Father's Day to you, too." T: "Thank you. Take care." Me: "You too." I left and ended up sitting in my car in the parking lot for about a half hour collecting myself because I was still feeling really emotional. I ended up being OK.

She kept telling me that everything I was feeling was all related to my depression and my anxiety. Whenever I brought up anything she’d say “well, anxiety can do this to the body.” I just felt like she was downplaying my symptoms. Not everything is anxiety.

Had a good session with Treble Clef today. We did trauma work. I ended up having a flashback in session but he handled it well and said I did too. My dog was in our session today but wasn't very cooperative as she didn't want to be pet when I wanted her. Treble Clef talked about himself a lot today, compared some surgery he got to therapy. He commented I always say what's on my mind. I told him I am blunt and it's not always a good thing but he seems to think it's good for our purposes. He also said I can invite whoever I want to my session but he cannot. I joked that it would be weird to have his wife or daughters in session. He laughed and said he'd only bring his supervisor or a trainee and only with my permission first.

T called me this morning and we talked for 30 minutes again. Originally I guess he was going to do the whole 50 minutes like our actual session but his travel plans got shifted and only had time for 30. We talked about the hospital again, and the thought of that scared me. Since I started seeing him a year, he always told me that if he thinks hospitalization may be necessary that we'd talk about it. It hasn't came up besides when I was in the hospital already for sepsis and the doctors were talking about inpatient. Now he's actually discussing it which really scares me. He said he could help me get into one and we could figure out how to tell my H if it comes to that. And how he thinks I understand his concern right now esp over the weekend and my safety. Which only part of me understands and the other thinks it's not that bad and he's wasting his time worrying. He was pretty insistent that if I feel like SH this weekend that I need to reach out to someone, even him if I want. Right now he agreed to keep talking about it when I see him Monday as long as I'm okay throughout the weekend.

He called it PTSD

Some of you who've seen my posts in the past know that he's never referred to it as "trauma" and I've been scared to. He's danced around the word, at one point saying the experiences exceeded my ability to cope. But he didn't use the word and so I didn't either. In my head it's been "the T word" ("transference" being the other "T word").
I worry I'm overreacting. I worry I'm being melodramatic. I worry it wasn't that bad. I worry that I was just weak and bad. He validates that these things are not true. But there was no physical or sexual violence. One time he asked me if I had flashbacks (no) or nightmares (also no). So I kind of assumed that meant he'd decided it wasn't PTSD. I also asked him about the diagnoses he had for me and they didn't include PTSD.
I was scared that if I called it trauma he'd tell me it wasn't.

We'd kind of moved away from the topic for a few months. Some med changes had triggered suicidal ideation so we'd kind of been focused on that and other things going on in the present. But it came up again yesterday. I think because he brought up anger? He wants me to allow myself to be angry at my parents and I said I just don't feel angry and hadn't been experiencing the sudden overwhelming urge to hit something or throw things because we hadn't been talking about my childhood. It had been really weird for me to experience at the time.

He asked more about it and I ended up explaining/describing the emotional flashbacks (though I didn't use that word). We'd talked about them before but this was exploring it a bit more. I told him I hated how the emotions came out of nowhere and weren't about anything at the time, it was like reexperiencing the emotions from that time all at once.

We talked about the specific frustrated powerless anger of being unable to do anything and how it felt like I was fighting for my dignity and personhood every day for years. No one else stood up to my father. No one protected me.

I told him that I didn't understand my reactions. I told him that I hated that I hadn't even started to remember this stuff until less than a year ago when it came up in therapy and all of a sudden I was remembering these major aspects of my childhood and adolescence that I somehow hadn't remembered until now. It makes me feel crazy. Being overcome with sudden emotions out of nowhere makes me feel crazy. Realizing that I'd just forgotten such huge parts of my life is unsettling. I don't think there's anything else I'm not remembering, but the idea scares me.

I asked him if this was normal. He said it was, and made some comparison to people with PTSD reacting to triggers. I said that that is something most people are aware of though, it's a common reaction.

He asked if I could see that my experience was a form of PTSD.

I asked if I should quote the DSM at him. I think I was testing to see whether he seriously believed it and I was looking for reassurance. Up until this point I didn't know whether he was a DSM purist when it came to the definition and I was too afraid to ask.

He said "what, because you didn't think you were going to die? You were just saying it was what you had to do to survive." I said I didn't have flashbacks and he pointed out that I'd also just been describing being overcome with sudden waves of emotion out of nowhere that were from those times and not a response to the situation in the present and that it made me feel unstable and crazy.

I then curled up tighter (I sit on his office floor hugging my knees to my chest in the fetal position. It's something I started doing when we first started talking about my childhood lmao) and went silent and after a minute he asked me where I went, said that I'd been there in the room with him and now it seemed like I wasn't there anymore. I told him the words he used scared me. That I wanted to deny it and say it couldn't be true. At some point I used minimizing language and he was like "'somewhat bad'? To use your words, it was some ****ed up ****."

Then we talked about how I'd feel if it was someone else. I joked that the fact that I talked about it all in such a detached way instead of being emotional about it the way I would if it was someone else meant that I was "over it" and "completely fine." He made the very good point that the number of scars even just visible at the time would suggest otherwise.

I think I need to do some writing. I should probably tell him how much of a big deal it's been to me that he didn't use that word. He's probably going to tell me he wishes I'd brought it up, but if he'd told me he didn't think it was that I would have been devastated and it would have been super invalidating and even harder for me to talk about.

Idk. I have a lot of feelings right now.

I really want to go to the hospital for meds. to get better. But my last stay wasn't the best and I am really stressed about it. I agree I need new meds.,but I am also really afraid. I feel totally estranged from you. I"m afraid you are mad at me because I am not going to get meds. You might not care, though? It might not matter to you either way. I just feel like bawling all the time, I really feel emotional, and that isn't regular for me. I just wanted you to know how really upset about this all. I know it doesn't affect you like it does me, But it's really painful for me.

I feel so lost. I plan to do somethings this week. I hope things are good on your side.

I had to see t3 again for something I wont share publicly. I really was struggling to make eye contact with him and normally that's not a problem. I was even talking so quietly that he asked me to repeat myself a few times. This was the worst amount of shame I ever felt over something... and normally talking to men is easy for me, about anything but the idea that everyone was gonna judge me was taking over my mind. Anyway... he called me out on it... in a nice way but eventually he got me to look at him again... and then went out of character and was a bit jokey with me, normally he is serious as hell and I love it... but this was obviously to help relax me. I just got a bit nervous because this is my biggest trigger in "feeling close" to someone, the humor. If he does it again, I will have to call him out on it.

Sadly I STILL can't see him regularly because insurance is not sorted but he has finally agreed to give me a better rate out of pocket. I hate to admit this but a huge part of me really wanted to hug him today. I never would, dangerous path to go down, I know that... but it was the first time I really desired that since T. Hopefully it was just a fluke for today, I will run screaming before I'd ever allow myself to feel close to another T.

I might see him again this week if I can, I am still struggling with my big issue. He wants me to start challenging my anxious thoughts and not letting them win. Sounds easier said than done but I'll see.

The kids' dad and I met with his therapist again today.

I said to the kids' dad: "I am afraid of you." I was shaking and I cried. Because there was a witness, he had to listen. And because of the structure of the stupid Sharpie talking stick exercise we'd practiced, he had to reflect it back to me every. time. I. said. it.

But my most vivid memory is the trees outside the window. They were so bright and green. It was sunny and windy out, and I planted my feet on the floor and took deep breaths and watched the branches shaking in the wind.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I feel a ton better since the last time I saw her. I’ve also lost at least 6 pounds since she last saw me 1.5 weeks ago. I hope she doesn’t freak out. Sometimes mental health professionals are not always the most supportive people when it comes to diets. They assume you have an eating disorder or something.

It started off on a lighter note. I said it had been rough and stuff had come up last session. He said he thought it was a good session, I said I didn't say it wasn't. He asked about my thoughts and I joked that I'd just decided not to think about it, to let it be what it was and not overthink or overanalyze. He laughed and basically said "yeah, sure." I joked that I'd coped with it by doing mindfulness meditation and he said "wait, really?" in like an excited tone and I was like "no!!!" It's kind of sweet how hopeful and optimistic he is lol

We talked about the T word. He said it, I didn't. I started with getting a feel for his opinion on things, brought up that he'd used a term last session that he hadn't used before, managed to get him to connect the dots to figure out that I was talking about "PTSD." He said he disagreed with the DSM and had for a long time.
I handed him some writing. It said that in my head it was "the T word." He paused and asked if "the T word" was "trauma" and I confirmed that it was.
I wrote about feeling like he didn't think it was that, that I figured he saw plenty of people with real actual trauma. That nothing I experienced was that bad, and that word is for much worse things. I also reminded him of the time I asked him whether he thought my childhood was worse than average and he didn't really give a yes or no answer, just told me how shocked he'd been by how common things like sexual abuse (i.e. things worse than anything I experienced) were. I told him that I've brought this up multiple times, that when he brings up others who've had worse experiences, even when it's an attempt to be validating, it makes me feel like I want to hurt myself and I feel like he hasn't taken that seriously.
He apologized and said he'd be more mindful about bringing up other people's experiences.
He referred to the part where I'd written that it felt like that word was too strong of a word for my experiences. He asked if I believed that. I told him rationally, no, emotionally, yes.
He apparently had always thought of it as trauma? I said it felt like he'd been actively avoiding using that term and he seemed genuinely surprised and said he just tends to think of it as a more clinical term but he wasn't intentionally trying not to use it. He pointed out that the approach has been treating it as such and I agreed with that. It was just the use of the word.
Yet another example of me overthinking everything and spending hours wondering why he wouldn't just use that word and apparently it just didn't occur to him. Sigh.
He pointed out the number of scars and that I internalized the idea that I was "bad" and didn't deserve to be cared about as evidence that it was traumatic. When I said it didn't prove that I wasn't just overreacting and weak he pointed out that I always manage to do this, find a way to turn something on myself. I told him it was a skill, and he agreed that I was very good at it.
He wants me to be able to get angry at my parents, including my mother. That's hard for me. I shared a recent conversation I'd had with her in which I'd gotten frustrated. I had him read it even though he wanted me to read it, I told him it was partly because you can't read emoticons out loud. Then I had to explain emoticons and this: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. He mimicked it and I corrected him that it wasn't a smile. Then a few minutes later I asked him something and he did the shrug thing which actually got me to laugh.
I brought up how my anger had been used to make me out to be the problem, including the court report stuff and all that. He said I had good reason to be angry. I told him I should have been able to compartmentalize it better so I'd be taken seriously and he was a bit incredulous, pointing out that I was talking about a 12-13 year old, asking if I'd tell another 12-13 year old that they should just be able to compartmentalize their anger better.

One moment that really stuck with me was when I said, in response to his use of the words "abused" and "traumatized" that those sound like things that happen to innocent children and then it's sad. He asked "and you weren't an innocent child? What kind of child were you then?" (probably expecting the answer that I was "bad," which is pretty standard for me). I told him "I was me."

Today’s session was revealing. R came in, sat down, and asked how I am doing.

‘At an estimate, I’m 50% overwhelmed, and 50% ready for a fight. I don’t want to sit here and talk about work…’

‘OK’

‘…but I received an email from my boss on Tuesday asking whether I was available for a phone check in on Thursday.’

R asked me to clarify, and I explained that my boss just wanted to check in with me. ‘I recognise that retrospectively, but I spent two days worrying about it, almost catastrophising. It’s as though I am wired to think “This is too good, it has to end soon.”’

I explained that I hadn’t heard from my boss to schedule the call, but heard from her that morning to set up for the afternoon.

‘Meanwhile, I received a message from a friend. “Feeling ****, help please.”’

‘What I hear in both situations isn’t catastrophising but anxiety, almost. “What are they going to need from me, and am I going to be able to cope with it?”’

‘I had to step away from my phone for a bit, and came back to Mum on the phone to my friend. I had missed two messages explaining a complex interpersonal situation. My friend was crying on the phone so I could not understand what was going on.’

R asked how I felt in that situation, I replied that I felt frustrated because she told me a lot of information, and then said ‘By the way, how are you?’

R asked how I had answered and I replied that I’d said I was fine. She reminded me that most people would probably do the same. I continued to tell her about the food festival at the weekend, and my first experience of Thai food.

‘I love Thai food.’

‘I’m used to Indian. I went to a Thai cookery demo, and they made fish soup.’

R made a face. ‘I didn’t like it and had to deal with the taste for the rest of the day.’

‘One of those things that repeats on you?’

‘Yes, I had to wash my teeth, the phrase is ‘brush your teeth’, three times that day. Anyway, I am getting away from the point. We headed towards the area where there was live music, and I felt like I knew the song. ‘Stand By Me’ was just coming to an end. We got into the room, and it was just starting.’

‘Oh.’ R asked what the sensation was like for me.

‘I was trying to suppress what I was feeling. The cognitive realisation came first and then it was physical pain.’

I explained that we had left, and I was in the car trying to do some “It’s Sunday 23rd of June 2019” level grounding.’

‘So, you found a way to ground yourself in the present moment, however successful that was.’

‘Would you mind moving?’

‘Of course. I’ll just grab a cushion.’

‘It was a moment in time,’ I said as I held her hands and tried to allow myself the sensation of being held. ‘I was not expecting it to linger like fish soup.’

‘Good analogy.’

‘I am doing the best I can, and sometimes that looks like I am not taking care of myself.’

‘In what way? With regard to physical presentation?’

‘An argument over dental hygiene was the catalyst for a much bigger release.’

I explained how the discussion had started and that I had eventually found myself crying.

‘Did you have a good cry?’

‘I let it run for as long as I was comfortable with.’

‘That’s new. And how did you feel afterwards?’

‘It never feels finished.’

R explained that she has a sense of me learning to feel my emotions.

‘It’s important to me that how I feel isn’t expressed.’

‘There’s a statement.’

‘It’s important to me that how I feel is not expressed through arguments with those closest to me.’ I continued ‘Being along in that space is scary…’

‘Mmm…’

‘Being witnessed in that space is worse. Nobody should have to see me at my lowest point.’

‘Nobody should have to? I don’t ask this question often, but I’m asking it now. Why?’

‘I can’t deal with all of this. You shouldn’t have to contain it.’

R explained that she feels as though I am just learning to experience my emotions, and ‘Whenever anybody says “should”, that is someone else talking.’

There is a lot in this huge box I’m dealing with. ‘It’s over here right now, but maybe we should change that.’ She gestured towards me.

‘Trauma is grief with steel toe-cap boots on. If someone steps on your foot in steel toe-cap boots accidentally, it really hurts. If they do it on purpose it hurts more. I do not want to step on your toes.’

R explained that she is here for me in a role. We talked about last November again and my belief that it shouldn’t have happened.

‘Even in the midst of the horror show, there was never any space for my feelings.’

‘And yet the feelings kept piling up.’

We talked more about the bathroom scene as a focus, and agreed that we will go there next session.

‘I trust you to contain it. I am not sure whether I trust myself to go there.’

‘I can see that it causes you fear.’

We had a chat about how conversations like that one towards the end of the session have become R’s way of knowing where I want to go next.

She said she can see how ‘excruciating’ it is for me to ask for what I need. Whilst I was talking about the song, I could not look at her. The barriers are up. I want to bring them down.

My session went good today. We talked about work and my coworkers. We talked about my panic attacks and fight or flight. We did talk about dieting for a good chunk of the time. She said I was feeling unwell last week and then got my period because of my diet. She said I had the keto flu and she listed off the symptoms and I did have them. It’s nice that she didn’t say it was anxiety or all in my head. She offered to let me borrow her keto diet book. I told her I wanted to get down to 125-135 pounds and she didn’t say anything about that. She doesn’t seem to be very judgmental at all. We just talked about carbs and what you can and can’t eat and stuff. I told her I lost 6 pounds in a week and she said “yeah you can lose a lot of weight fast on this diet.” It didn’t really seem weird to me or anything. I really like her. I like that She doesn’t judge or make unnecessary comments like the other therapists did that I’ve had.

We started off talking about my week. I've recently been during a bit better during the weeks, so there wasn't much to catch up about. I quickly mentioned my grandma calling me for my birthday, she kept on talking about the fact that my grandpa might die soon. Was kind of a downer for my plans that day.

I mentioned I'd been a bit bothered by a statement T made last week. I has asked him to write a new prescription for my meds and he'd asked whether I'm still taking them regularly. It kind of bothered me since he asks every time.
He tried to explain that some things people say or do can make you think you know what's going on in their head, but that doesn't have to be reality. That there's many options for why he'd asked that. I was able to understand it intellectually, emotionally not so much.
We talked about it for a while, but I also mentioned I hadn't been that bothered by it, just a bit.

We went on talking a bit about a recent heat wave, things to do to cool down, as well as playing the lottery (or rather he tried to figure out how many possible combinations of numbers there are and I shook my head every time he guessed wrong). More small talk than usual, but since we've not had any of that for the first two years, I think that's fine.

Towards the end of the session, I managed to look at him like I do almost every time now. To my surprise, he had at some point moved his leg and put it on his arm rest (similarly to what I do to lay on my chair, though I put both legs up), he normally always sits cross-legged. He made a comment about it saying he didn't think he's ever done that before, but agreed with me that it was comfortable.

We then proceeded to exchange our usual last few sentences and he reassured me I could call if something comes up before our next session.

Told T I was non binary. She asked some questions. Not a lot though. definitely not in a judging way. She did seem kinda concerned with me wanting to get down to 125 pounds even though I had mentioned it last session. I had to assure her I am just particular about my weight and I don’t have an ED or disordered thoughts when it comes to food. I talked about my annoyance at work today. She does seem to think I have a bad TV habit but she’s not the only one who thinks that. I’m glad her boobs weren’t showing like they were last week. You could really see them.

I was just PMing with someone and wrote something about my session which really sums up what is happening, and why I haven't had the energy to post in IST lately so I'm just going to copy and paste it into here

There have been a few examples like this recently. Like he is presuming that I want to know about his process all the time and isn't really listening to what I am asking him for. I'm glad I've figured it out and can tell him.

At one point yesterday I said "I am trying to tell you about my feelings about that session [ET related] and I need you to help me" he said "I'm cautious about taking the lead because I dont know if the parts that stand out for me are the same parts that stand out for you". I said "So when I say I am struggling with everything, why dont you ask what?" And he said "Okay, what?". I was so annoyed. 45 minutes of trying to get him to be curious and he asks just because I have told him I want him to, and using literally the same words I used. Ugh.

We patched up enough by the end of the session for me to leave feeling okay, but I need to get this through his head. It's been happening a lot lately. We had a conversation before he went away where I said it is good to know where he is when he is away because i like to place him in the world. He told me the country he was going to on holiday which was plenty of information. Then he was like "I'm going to be travelling round the country a bit so I will write you an itinerary". I was like "you don't need to" and he said "I will do it anyway". Its a nice gesture and all but I explicitly told him I didn't need that level of detail but he gave me it anyway. It's like he's lost sight of the purpose of being transparent. It's supposed to be for my benefit.

Today's session spun off in a different direction than I expected. I'm putting it in a trigger box, because medical stuff and abuse mention.

Today I asked T why she was so nice to me, We had been talking about EMDR T and how seemingly people find my story to be complex trauma, she replie that she wasn't any nicer to me than to anyone else and that mainly she thought she was just good at what she did. I teased her about her answer being "I'm just *that* good"

She encouraged me to fill out the form for sup EMDR T. We went through it together and talked about what I could leave out or write "prefer to talk in person" she said if I fill it out the best I can and they say they need more info then at least I tried

Also she said that maybe I did have a good radar for T's as although EMDR T didn't work out, she was at least extremely nice and ethical about it.

I had T today, on a Saturday which is always a little weird. I had to get lab work done today and I had book club so I ended up getting there 30 minutes early for my appointment. Since it was a Saturday, there was no one in the waiting room, so I sat down and read my Bible for the 30+ minutes I waited. I probably waited 10 minutes past my appointment start time, but my T is good about making up the time at the end so I don't lose out on time with her if she starts late, which is usual. When she opened the door to get me from the waiting room, she commented on my hair. I recently cut my hair to chin length from about five inches past my shoulders so it's fairly dramatic. She said she really liked the cut and that it looked really good on me.


She asked me how I am doing, which I know means, how many days has it been since you've self harmed. So I told her 43 which she was moderately happy about. I don't think she was unhappy but she wasn't all woo-hoo like she is sometimes. Its a decent amount of time without self harm but I was okay with her response because it's not past 50 days.


We talked about work a bit. I told her that the anxiety is coming down and I don't feel so guilty anymore over having a job when some of the other workers don't. Then we talked about the earthquakes. We had another earthquake last night that was a 7.1 (that's pretty big) but I'm not in the epicenter so I'm okay although I thought I was about to lose my TV last night because it was shaking so hard. But when I was a child and we lived in a mobile home, a big earthquake hit and everything broke and fell out of the cabinets and made a right mess. I was protected though because I was a child. So I was sent to live with my aunt for a week whilst my parents cleaned up and my aunt took me to Disneyland. But it still brings back memories of that time and how our house was destroyed (at least not red tagged though) and how much clean up there was. So we talked a bit about that and what it was like.


Then we talked about how I have been having suicidal feelings. They haven't been horrible but they've been sticky in my head. Trigger for self harm I told her that I know it is bizarre. And that I was a little afraid of telling her because she might think it was bizarre. And she said to tell her anyway because she didn't think much was bizarre or something like that. She asked me what a battery represented and I said "life" that the battery would keep me going. So in a way the self harm thoughts are combating the suicidal thoughts.


We talked about my childhood. How I would go outside and play in this hole that was for another mobile home just there wasn't one it it. That it was safer being outside by myself than in the house with my Mom. But that I was missing out on the emotional comfort and support from my parents. We did what I think is EMDR or at least some sort of eye movement thing, and we talked about what it was that I felt before I went outside to play in the hole. And I said fear. We talked about how my Mom was when I was growing up. How it wasn't okay to feel negative things, but Mom could. That it wasn't okay to cry or yell, but Mom could. That Mom would wake us up really early in the morning so we could all clean the house. How Mom would yell all the time. Trigger for mention of physical abuse


Then T said she was starting to get it. That the self harm is a symptom, not of the depression which no one is denying that I have, but of unexpressed anger. So we tried to do some work on anger using the eye movement thing but I kept having the battery thoughts. T wants me to journal or draw. That she thinks I can get well and not have this crippling depression but that it has to be at my pace. And that she doesn't have a magic potion but that I have the answers inside of me. She said it's okay to be angry. It's okay to acknowledge how I feel. It's great that I have a good relationship with Mom now but that the little kid in me that was the little kid me still has anger that wasn't addressed, still has sadness that wasn't expressed and that little kid needs to be taken care of. It sounds a little ridiculous writing it out but at the time I felt like T was really getting me. Maybe for the first time ever.


I wanted to hug T but I was too afraid to ask. Too afraid of rejection. I have this ooey gooey love feeling towards T right now. Like I'm in a cocoon and it's just filled with love for T. I know that's weird. Maybe even odd. It feels odd. I'm not used to feeling this way towards this T. Former T absolutely but I haven't experienced this with this T before. I feel all snuggly and cared about and it's a bit scary really.


I told her I wouldn't self harm until the 31st of July (at least) mostly because I have a PCP appointment that day and I don't want to have any cuts. I don't want a lecture from the dr.


It was a really good session. I wish I could see T every day.


HUGS Kit

T yesterday. First session back after his vacation. We'd had a sort of weird email exchange while he was away, where I asked him to confirm he still exists (coming from an attachment place, which I'd thought he'd realize). And he replied with "You're too funny!" and saying he hadn't been eaten by any bears. I'd said I wasn't trying to be funny, he said "Fair enough," I briefly explained why it was bothering me, and he said he'd misread my email and thought I was joking and "Sorry about that."

I was pretty nervous. Went back and sat down. Me: "Welcome back." T: "Thanks!" I mentioned the email exchange and said how I was feeling this mix of wanting to apologize to him for it and wanting to tell him I was angry at him about it. He asked why I felt I should apologize. Me: "I was contacting you on your vacation and I feel like...I mean, I should have been glad that you replied at all. And you did technically answer my question of whether you still exist. And...I was worried that I was bothering you by telling you that your response bothered me. But then, also, you'd specifically emailed me Monday to let me know you had WiFi and that you'd be replying to emails each morning. So, that suggests it was OK to email you." T: "Yes."

Me: "But I was worried...because that one part you sent was over text, because you said your email was being weird...when I responded to that over text, I was bracing myself, like 'Oh no, this is where you say you're angry at me for texting you, that I'm being intrusive.'" T: "Well, I started the texting, so it would have been pretty obtuse for me to criticize you for responding that way." Me: "Yes, but I was afraid to say more than I did over text, which is why I just emailed the other reply. I was afraid you'd be angry at me for disrupting you." T: "Have I ever reacted that way before?" Me: "Actually, yes." I described a time I'd requested a phone call over text and said why, and he'd called that intrusive, because I'd explained (texts are technically just for scheduling). And once with an email exchange involving a misunderstanding, where he said he'd need to tell me how his emails made him feel. He clarified that it would have been fine to have texted him more in this circumstance.

Me: "And I guess I'm also dreading how much you're going to bill me for the out-of-session contact. Because part of why I just asked for a one-sentence reply is that you said you wouldn't charge for that, and...well, that didn't turn out so well. Plus the email I sent last Friday which I thought was before you left." (He'd said he typically charges for emails longer than a sentence or two if he's away.) T: "I'm not charging you anything." Me: "Really? Thank you." T: "The main reason the exchange went on like that is because I misinterpreted your email. If I charged you, I'd need to charge myself, too." Me: "OK, thanks."

T: "And I want to make sure you realize I am genuinely sorry for misunderstanding. When I read your email, I just sensed a lighter tone." Me: "Thank you. Apology accepted. I guess I sort of expected you to realize that it was about struggling with attachment, partly because of what you said before you left. I'd typed this long email to you about how I was struggling, and it was like I expected you to psychically know that or something, which isn't fair. In retrospect, I should said something like, 'I'm really struggling with holding the connection' before asking if you still exist. But I thought maybe that would suggest I was looking for more than a sentence." He said it seemed I was trying to hold back, like I didn't want to be a burden. I agreed. I said maybe I should have just sent the full email.

I shared some excerpts, about how I was struggling, both with life and general and the connection. I was crying as I shared. T looked sad. And I talked about what had gone on during the week, like a major plumbing leak Monday that was really stressful, then it just felt like I didn't have time to breathe or relax all week. How I'd tried to start it off well by going to a painting class the first Sunday, then I feel like my self-care plan just fell apart after that, like no energy for yoga, etc. And how backup T "R" had been helpful, but I met with her in T's office, which was kind of difficult.

T said he was glad she'd helped. I said I felt like I should have managed better, having seen her. T: "But you saw her on Tuesday. So that's almost a week until today. It's a long time for you." Me: "True, that makes me feel a little better." T said how he thinks that regular therapy sessions are a part of my being able to manage life. I agreed. T said how maybe just anticipating not being able to come in until Monday might have caused more stress. And how maybe I should have asked R to meet a second time.

I said how with R I had talked about him a little, and he said that was OK. Me: "One of the things I talked about was how it seems like in the past...maybe 4-6 months? It just seems like you've been much more understanding and accepting of attachment and transference stuff. But I worry that's going to change. And R said how I'd likely grown in therapy and how maybe you've grown up, too!" T smiled.

I said how another thing R talked about was "flow," getting really immersed in something, so mindfulness, as T would say. How for her, cooking and Zumba class can have that effect. T (smiling): "So she self-discloses more than me then!" Me: "Apparently! She even mentioned her daughter's name." (I know T's son's name because it was mentioned in a column he wrote on a different topic, but he's never told me.)

Me: "I guess that's one of the things that worried me about the email thing last week. I know this is black and white thinking, but with you not seeming to understand the email was about attachment, my mind went to, 'Maybe he doesn't get it after all.' When I know it doesn't have to be one or the other, it's just where my mind went." T: "I'm glad you realize it was black and white thinking. And it helps to know where your mind goes." Me: "Yeah, so the stuff with the email, it kind of snowballed in my mind."

Me: "Another thing is...that Thursday night, I wasn't in a good place. I tried to connect with you by holding the stone, but it's like...I just felt nothing. I think part of it is how I figure you'd be uncomfortable knowing I'm holding it, because of what you'd said before...So, I wonder if I should just give the stone back, if it's not doing anything." T: "Do you want to trade it in for a different stone?" Me: "What?" T: "You can swap it for a different one if you like." Me: "Yeah, maybe this one has become uncharged or whatever since I've had it for a while. But wouldn't you feel uncomfortable with it?" T: "But I'm offering it to you." Me: "OK...I'll think about it and let you know next session." T: "OK."

I said I knew we had to stop in a minute, but wanted to mention one other thing his email reply seemed to dredge up, so we could discuss at a future session. That it felt like he was dismissing my fears, just like my parents did when I was a kid. T said that was an interesting connection. Me: "And I know you aren't as into the whole transference concept, but this is why I say that some of this has to be, say, paternal transference. Because my reaction to some of this stuff with you is much bigger than just you. Like, it's not just about you specifically." T: "I get it. Plus we were just recently talking about your father and how it feels you let him off the hook for some stuff." Me: "Yes, so that's likely why it's affecting me more now. So maybe we can discuss that next session."

I looked over at his fish and commented that she was reacting to me, which she hadn't been when I first sat down. T: "Yeah, she's been kind of moody since I've been back. Might not have liked the babysitting." Me: "Maybe she felt abandoned." T: "Maybe!"

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. Went over and paid. I said how the session had helped me feel better about things, and he said he was glad. T: "Oh, and I don't want to shake your hand because I'm getting over a cold, and the last thing I'd want to do is pass that to you. So, air handshake!" He shook is hand in the air. I laughed and did the same. T: "Have a good week." Me: "You too. Hope you feel better." T: "Thank you."

I felt much better about things after that session. Felt I'd reconnected with T and that things are good between us. Of course, he goes away again in a few weeks...

My session actually went pretty good despite the fact I was nodding off in her office and then jolting awake. She says I very well may have narcolepsy. She says She’s glad I don’t drive because I shouldn’t be driving with my sleep issues. A couple years ago I would have thrown a fit if someone told me I shouldn’t be driving. But I do now realize that I shouldn’t be driving not only because of my anxiety but because of medical reasons as well. We also talked about my weight and this week she didn’t care about me wanting to get down to 125. pounds. I was happy with how it went today.

You should check into the narcolepsy thing. My college roommate had that (got diagnosed while I was living with her) and got meds that really helped. You should also consider a sleep study in case you have sleep apnea, as that can cause dozing off during the day. Actually they may need to do a sleep study to diagnose narcolepsy anyway.