In Session Today: Part VI

I had to see t3 again for something I wont share publicly. I really was struggling to make eye contact with him and normally that's not a problem. I was even talking so quietly that he asked me to repeat myself a few times. This was the worst amount of shame I ever felt over something... and normally talking to men is easy for me, about anything but the idea that everyone was gonna judge me was taking over my mind. Anyway... he called me out on it... in a nice way but eventually he got me to look at him again... and then went out of character and was a bit jokey with me, normally he is serious as hell and I love it... but this was obviously to help relax me. I just got a bit nervous because this is my biggest trigger in "feeling close" to someone, the humor. If he does it again, I will have to call him out on it.

Sadly I STILL can't see him regularly because insurance is not sorted but he has finally agreed to give me a better rate out of pocket. I hate to admit this but a huge part of me really wanted to hug him today. I never would, dangerous path to go down, I know that... but it was the first time I really desired that since T. Hopefully it was just a fluke for today, I will run screaming before I'd ever allow myself to feel close to another T.

I might see him again this week if I can, I am still struggling with my big issue. He wants me to start challenging my anxious thoughts and not letting them win. Sounds easier said than done but I'll see.

The kids' dad and I met with his therapist again today.

I said to the kids' dad: "I am afraid of you." I was shaking and I cried. Because there was a witness, he had to listen. And because of the structure of the stupid Sharpie talking stick exercise we'd practiced, he had to reflect it back to me every. time. I. said. it.

But my most vivid memory is the trees outside the window. They were so bright and green. It was sunny and windy out, and I planted my feet on the floor and took deep breaths and watched the branches shaking in the wind.

I see my therapist tomorrow. I feel a ton better since the last time I saw her. I’ve also lost at least 6 pounds since she last saw me 1.5 weeks ago. I hope she doesn’t freak out. Sometimes mental health professionals are not always the most supportive people when it comes to diets. They assume you have an eating disorder or something.

It started off on a lighter note. I said it had been rough and stuff had come up last session. He said he thought it was a good session, I said I didn't say it wasn't. He asked about my thoughts and I joked that I'd just decided not to think about it, to let it be what it was and not overthink or overanalyze. He laughed and basically said "yeah, sure." I joked that I'd coped with it by doing mindfulness meditation and he said "wait, really?" in like an excited tone and I was like "no!!!" It's kind of sweet how hopeful and optimistic he is lol

We talked about the T word. He said it, I didn't. I started with getting a feel for his opinion on things, brought up that he'd used a term last session that he hadn't used before, managed to get him to connect the dots to figure out that I was talking about "PTSD." He said he disagreed with the DSM and had for a long time.
I handed him some writing. It said that in my head it was "the T word." He paused and asked if "the T word" was "trauma" and I confirmed that it was.
I wrote about feeling like he didn't think it was that, that I figured he saw plenty of people with real actual trauma. That nothing I experienced was that bad, and that word is for much worse things. I also reminded him of the time I asked him whether he thought my childhood was worse than average and he didn't really give a yes or no answer, just told me how shocked he'd been by how common things like sexual abuse (i.e. things worse than anything I experienced) were. I told him that I've brought this up multiple times, that when he brings up others who've had worse experiences, even when it's an attempt to be validating, it makes me feel like I want to hurt myself and I feel like he hasn't taken that seriously.
He apologized and said he'd be more mindful about bringing up other people's experiences.
He referred to the part where I'd written that it felt like that word was too strong of a word for my experiences. He asked if I believed that. I told him rationally, no, emotionally, yes.
He apparently had always thought of it as trauma? I said it felt like he'd been actively avoiding using that term and he seemed genuinely surprised and said he just tends to think of it as a more clinical term but he wasn't intentionally trying not to use it. He pointed out that the approach has been treating it as such and I agreed with that. It was just the use of the word.
Yet another example of me overthinking everything and spending hours wondering why he wouldn't just use that word and apparently it just didn't occur to him. Sigh.
He pointed out the number of scars and that I internalized the idea that I was "bad" and didn't deserve to be cared about as evidence that it was traumatic. When I said it didn't prove that I wasn't just overreacting and weak he pointed out that I always manage to do this, find a way to turn something on myself. I told him it was a skill, and he agreed that I was very good at it.
He wants me to be able to get angry at my parents, including my mother. That's hard for me. I shared a recent conversation I'd had with her in which I'd gotten frustrated. I had him read it even though he wanted me to read it, I told him it was partly because you can't read emoticons out loud. Then I had to explain emoticons and this: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. He mimicked it and I corrected him that it wasn't a smile. Then a few minutes later I asked him something and he did the shrug thing which actually got me to laugh.
I brought up how my anger had been used to make me out to be the problem, including the court report stuff and all that. He said I had good reason to be angry. I told him I should have been able to compartmentalize it better so I'd be taken seriously and he was a bit incredulous, pointing out that I was talking about a 12-13 year old, asking if I'd tell another 12-13 year old that they should just be able to compartmentalize their anger better.

One moment that really stuck with me was when I said, in response to his use of the words "abused" and "traumatized" that those sound like things that happen to innocent children and then it's sad. He asked "and you weren't an innocent child? What kind of child were you then?" (probably expecting the answer that I was "bad," which is pretty standard for me). I told him "I was me."

Today’s session was revealing. R came in, sat down, and asked how I am doing.

‘At an estimate, I’m 50% overwhelmed, and 50% ready for a fight. I don’t want to sit here and talk about work…’

‘OK’

‘…but I received an email from my boss on Tuesday asking whether I was available for a phone check in on Thursday.’

R asked me to clarify, and I explained that my boss just wanted to check in with me. ‘I recognise that retrospectively, but I spent two days worrying about it, almost catastrophising. It’s as though I am wired to think “This is too good, it has to end soon.”’

I explained that I hadn’t heard from my boss to schedule the call, but heard from her that morning to set up for the afternoon.

‘Meanwhile, I received a message from a friend. “Feeling ****, help please.”’

‘What I hear in both situations isn’t catastrophising but anxiety, almost. “What are they going to need from me, and am I going to be able to cope with it?”’

‘I had to step away from my phone for a bit, and came back to Mum on the phone to my friend. I had missed two messages explaining a complex interpersonal situation. My friend was crying on the phone so I could not understand what was going on.’

R asked how I felt in that situation, I replied that I felt frustrated because she told me a lot of information, and then said ‘By the way, how are you?’

R asked how I had answered and I replied that I’d said I was fine. She reminded me that most people would probably do the same. I continued to tell her about the food festival at the weekend, and my first experience of Thai food.

‘I love Thai food.’

‘I’m used to Indian. I went to a Thai cookery demo, and they made fish soup.’

R made a face. ‘I didn’t like it and had to deal with the taste for the rest of the day.’

‘One of those things that repeats on you?’

‘Yes, I had to wash my teeth, the phrase is ‘brush your teeth’, three times that day. Anyway, I am getting away from the point. We headed towards the area where there was live music, and I felt like I knew the song. ‘Stand By Me’ was just coming to an end. We got into the room, and it was just starting.’

‘Oh.’ R asked what the sensation was like for me.

‘I was trying to suppress what I was feeling. The cognitive realisation came first and then it was physical pain.’

I explained that we had left, and I was in the car trying to do some “It’s Sunday 23rd of June 2019” level grounding.’

‘So, you found a way to ground yourself in the present moment, however successful that was.’

‘Would you mind moving?’

‘Of course. I’ll just grab a cushion.’

‘It was a moment in time,’ I said as I held her hands and tried to allow myself the sensation of being held. ‘I was not expecting it to linger like fish soup.’

‘Good analogy.’

‘I am doing the best I can, and sometimes that looks like I am not taking care of myself.’

‘In what way? With regard to physical presentation?’

‘An argument over dental hygiene was the catalyst for a much bigger release.’

I explained how the discussion had started and that I had eventually found myself crying.

‘Did you have a good cry?’

‘I let it run for as long as I was comfortable with.’

‘That’s new. And how did you feel afterwards?’

‘It never feels finished.’

R explained that she has a sense of me learning to feel my emotions.

‘It’s important to me that how I feel isn’t expressed.’

‘There’s a statement.’

‘It’s important to me that how I feel is not expressed through arguments with those closest to me.’ I continued ‘Being along in that space is scary…’

‘Mmm…’

‘Being witnessed in that space is worse. Nobody should have to see me at my lowest point.’

‘Nobody should have to? I don’t ask this question often, but I’m asking it now. Why?’

‘I can’t deal with all of this. You shouldn’t have to contain it.’

R explained that she feels as though I am just learning to experience my emotions, and ‘Whenever anybody says “should”, that is someone else talking.’

There is a lot in this huge box I’m dealing with. ‘It’s over here right now, but maybe we should change that.’ She gestured towards me.

‘Trauma is grief with steel toe-cap boots on. If someone steps on your foot in steel toe-cap boots accidentally, it really hurts. If they do it on purpose it hurts more. I do not want to step on your toes.’

R explained that she is here for me in a role. We talked about last November again and my belief that it shouldn’t have happened.

‘Even in the midst of the horror show, there was never any space for my feelings.’

‘And yet the feelings kept piling up.’

We talked more about the bathroom scene as a focus, and agreed that we will go there next session.

‘I trust you to contain it. I am not sure whether I trust myself to go there.’

‘I can see that it causes you fear.’

We had a chat about how conversations like that one towards the end of the session have become R’s way of knowing where I want to go next.

She said she can see how ‘excruciating’ it is for me to ask for what I need. Whilst I was talking about the song, I could not look at her. The barriers are up. I want to bring them down.

My session went good today. We talked about work and my coworkers. We talked about my panic attacks and fight or flight. We did talk about dieting for a good chunk of the time. She said I was feeling unwell last week and then got my period because of my diet. She said I had the keto flu and she listed off the symptoms and I did have them. It’s nice that she didn’t say it was anxiety or all in my head. She offered to let me borrow her keto diet book. I told her I wanted to get down to 125-135 pounds and she didn’t say anything about that. She doesn’t seem to be very judgmental at all. We just talked about carbs and what you can and can’t eat and stuff. I told her I lost 6 pounds in a week and she said “yeah you can lose a lot of weight fast on this diet.” It didn’t really seem weird to me or anything. I really like her. I like that She doesn’t judge or make unnecessary comments like the other therapists did that I’ve had.

We started off talking about my week. I've recently been during a bit better during the weeks, so there wasn't much to catch up about. I quickly mentioned my grandma calling me for my birthday, she kept on talking about the fact that my grandpa might die soon. Was kind of a downer for my plans that day.

I mentioned I'd been a bit bothered by a statement T made last week. I has asked him to write a new prescription for my meds and he'd asked whether I'm still taking them regularly. It kind of bothered me since he asks every time.
He tried to explain that some things people say or do can make you think you know what's going on in their head, but that doesn't have to be reality. That there's many options for why he'd asked that. I was able to understand it intellectually, emotionally not so much.
We talked about it for a while, but I also mentioned I hadn't been that bothered by it, just a bit.

We went on talking a bit about a recent heat wave, things to do to cool down, as well as playing the lottery (or rather he tried to figure out how many possible combinations of numbers there are and I shook my head every time he guessed wrong). More small talk than usual, but since we've not had any of that for the first two years, I think that's fine.

Towards the end of the session, I managed to look at him like I do almost every time now. To my surprise, he had at some point moved his leg and put it on his arm rest (similarly to what I do to lay on my chair, though I put both legs up), he normally always sits cross-legged. He made a comment about it saying he didn't think he's ever done that before, but agreed with me that it was comfortable.

We then proceeded to exchange our usual last few sentences and he reassured me I could call if something comes up before our next session.

Told T I was non binary. She asked some questions. Not a lot though. definitely not in a judging way. She did seem kinda concerned with me wanting to get down to 125 pounds even though I had mentioned it last session. I had to assure her I am just particular about my weight and I don’t have an ED or disordered thoughts when it comes to food. I talked about my annoyance at work today. She does seem to think I have a bad TV habit but she’s not the only one who thinks that. I’m glad her boobs weren’t showing like they were last week. You could really see them.

I was just PMing with someone and wrote something about my session which really sums up what is happening, and why I haven't had the energy to post in IST lately so I'm just going to copy and paste it into here

There have been a few examples like this recently. Like he is presuming that I want to know about his process all the time and isn't really listening to what I am asking him for. I'm glad I've figured it out and can tell him.

At one point yesterday I said "I am trying to tell you about my feelings about that session [ET related] and I need you to help me" he said "I'm cautious about taking the lead because I dont know if the parts that stand out for me are the same parts that stand out for you". I said "So when I say I am struggling with everything, why dont you ask what?" And he said "Okay, what?". I was so annoyed. 45 minutes of trying to get him to be curious and he asks just because I have told him I want him to, and using literally the same words I used. Ugh.

We patched up enough by the end of the session for me to leave feeling okay, but I need to get this through his head. It's been happening a lot lately. We had a conversation before he went away where I said it is good to know where he is when he is away because i like to place him in the world. He told me the country he was going to on holiday which was plenty of information. Then he was like "I'm going to be travelling round the country a bit so I will write you an itinerary". I was like "you don't need to" and he said "I will do it anyway". Its a nice gesture and all but I explicitly told him I didn't need that level of detail but he gave me it anyway. It's like he's lost sight of the purpose of being transparent. It's supposed to be for my benefit.

Today's session spun off in a different direction than I expected. I'm putting it in a trigger box, because medical stuff and abuse mention.

Today I asked T why she was so nice to me, We had been talking about EMDR T and how seemingly people find my story to be complex trauma, she replie that she wasn't any nicer to me than to anyone else and that mainly she thought she was just good at what she did. I teased her about her answer being "I'm just *that* good"

She encouraged me to fill out the form for sup EMDR T. We went through it together and talked about what I could leave out or write "prefer to talk in person" she said if I fill it out the best I can and they say they need more info then at least I tried

Also she said that maybe I did have a good radar for T's as although EMDR T didn't work out, she was at least extremely nice and ethical about it.

I had T today, on a Saturday which is always a little weird. I had to get lab work done today and I had book club so I ended up getting there 30 minutes early for my appointment. Since it was a Saturday, there was no one in the waiting room, so I sat down and read my Bible for the 30+ minutes I waited. I probably waited 10 minutes past my appointment start time, but my T is good about making up the time at the end so I don't lose out on time with her if she starts late, which is usual. When she opened the door to get me from the waiting room, she commented on my hair. I recently cut my hair to chin length from about five inches past my shoulders so it's fairly dramatic. She said she really liked the cut and that it looked really good on me.


She asked me how I am doing, which I know means, how many days has it been since you've self harmed. So I told her 43 which she was moderately happy about. I don't think she was unhappy but she wasn't all woo-hoo like she is sometimes. Its a decent amount of time without self harm but I was okay with her response because it's not past 50 days.


We talked about work a bit. I told her that the anxiety is coming down and I don't feel so guilty anymore over having a job when some of the other workers don't. Then we talked about the earthquakes. We had another earthquake last night that was a 7.1 (that's pretty big) but I'm not in the epicenter so I'm okay although I thought I was about to lose my TV last night because it was shaking so hard. But when I was a child and we lived in a mobile home, a big earthquake hit and everything broke and fell out of the cabinets and made a right mess. I was protected though because I was a child. So I was sent to live with my aunt for a week whilst my parents cleaned up and my aunt took me to Disneyland. But it still brings back memories of that time and how our house was destroyed (at least not red tagged though) and how much clean up there was. So we talked a bit about that and what it was like.


Then we talked about how I have been having suicidal feelings. They haven't been horrible but they've been sticky in my head. Trigger for self harm I told her that I know it is bizarre. And that I was a little afraid of telling her because she might think it was bizarre. And she said to tell her anyway because she didn't think much was bizarre or something like that. She asked me what a battery represented and I said "life" that the battery would keep me going. So in a way the self harm thoughts are combating the suicidal thoughts.


We talked about my childhood. How I would go outside and play in this hole that was for another mobile home just there wasn't one it it. That it was safer being outside by myself than in the house with my Mom. But that I was missing out on the emotional comfort and support from my parents. We did what I think is EMDR or at least some sort of eye movement thing, and we talked about what it was that I felt before I went outside to play in the hole. And I said fear. We talked about how my Mom was when I was growing up. How it wasn't okay to feel negative things, but Mom could. That it wasn't okay to cry or yell, but Mom could. That Mom would wake us up really early in the morning so we could all clean the house. How Mom would yell all the time. Trigger for mention of physical abuse


Then T said she was starting to get it. That the self harm is a symptom, not of the depression which no one is denying that I have, but of unexpressed anger. So we tried to do some work on anger using the eye movement thing but I kept having the battery thoughts. T wants me to journal or draw. That she thinks I can get well and not have this crippling depression but that it has to be at my pace. And that she doesn't have a magic potion but that I have the answers inside of me. She said it's okay to be angry. It's okay to acknowledge how I feel. It's great that I have a good relationship with Mom now but that the little kid in me that was the little kid me still has anger that wasn't addressed, still has sadness that wasn't expressed and that little kid needs to be taken care of. It sounds a little ridiculous writing it out but at the time I felt like T was really getting me. Maybe for the first time ever.


I wanted to hug T but I was too afraid to ask. Too afraid of rejection. I have this ooey gooey love feeling towards T right now. Like I'm in a cocoon and it's just filled with love for T. I know that's weird. Maybe even odd. It feels odd. I'm not used to feeling this way towards this T. Former T absolutely but I haven't experienced this with this T before. I feel all snuggly and cared about and it's a bit scary really.


I told her I wouldn't self harm until the 31st of July (at least) mostly because I have a PCP appointment that day and I don't want to have any cuts. I don't want a lecture from the dr.


It was a really good session. I wish I could see T every day.


HUGS Kit

T yesterday. First session back after his vacation. We'd had a sort of weird email exchange while he was away, where I asked him to confirm he still exists (coming from an attachment place, which I'd thought he'd realize). And he replied with "You're too funny!" and saying he hadn't been eaten by any bears. I'd said I wasn't trying to be funny, he said "Fair enough," I briefly explained why it was bothering me, and he said he'd misread my email and thought I was joking and "Sorry about that."

I was pretty nervous. Went back and sat down. Me: "Welcome back." T: "Thanks!" I mentioned the email exchange and said how I was feeling this mix of wanting to apologize to him for it and wanting to tell him I was angry at him about it. He asked why I felt I should apologize. Me: "I was contacting you on your vacation and I feel like...I mean, I should have been glad that you replied at all. And you did technically answer my question of whether you still exist. And...I was worried that I was bothering you by telling you that your response bothered me. But then, also, you'd specifically emailed me Monday to let me know you had WiFi and that you'd be replying to emails each morning. So, that suggests it was OK to email you." T: "Yes."

Me: "But I was worried...because that one part you sent was over text, because you said your email was being weird...when I responded to that over text, I was bracing myself, like 'Oh no, this is where you say you're angry at me for texting you, that I'm being intrusive.'" T: "Well, I started the texting, so it would have been pretty obtuse for me to criticize you for responding that way." Me: "Yes, but I was afraid to say more than I did over text, which is why I just emailed the other reply. I was afraid you'd be angry at me for disrupting you." T: "Have I ever reacted that way before?" Me: "Actually, yes." I described a time I'd requested a phone call over text and said why, and he'd called that intrusive, because I'd explained (texts are technically just for scheduling). And once with an email exchange involving a misunderstanding, where he said he'd need to tell me how his emails made him feel. He clarified that it would have been fine to have texted him more in this circumstance.

Me: "And I guess I'm also dreading how much you're going to bill me for the out-of-session contact. Because part of why I just asked for a one-sentence reply is that you said you wouldn't charge for that, and...well, that didn't turn out so well. Plus the email I sent last Friday which I thought was before you left." (He'd said he typically charges for emails longer than a sentence or two if he's away.) T: "I'm not charging you anything." Me: "Really? Thank you." T: "The main reason the exchange went on like that is because I misinterpreted your email. If I charged you, I'd need to charge myself, too." Me: "OK, thanks."

T: "And I want to make sure you realize I am genuinely sorry for misunderstanding. When I read your email, I just sensed a lighter tone." Me: "Thank you. Apology accepted. I guess I sort of expected you to realize that it was about struggling with attachment, partly because of what you said before you left. I'd typed this long email to you about how I was struggling, and it was like I expected you to psychically know that or something, which isn't fair. In retrospect, I should said something like, 'I'm really struggling with holding the connection' before asking if you still exist. But I thought maybe that would suggest I was looking for more than a sentence." He said it seemed I was trying to hold back, like I didn't want to be a burden. I agreed. I said maybe I should have just sent the full email.

I shared some excerpts, about how I was struggling, both with life and general and the connection. I was crying as I shared. T looked sad. And I talked about what had gone on during the week, like a major plumbing leak Monday that was really stressful, then it just felt like I didn't have time to breathe or relax all week. How I'd tried to start it off well by going to a painting class the first Sunday, then I feel like my self-care plan just fell apart after that, like no energy for yoga, etc. And how backup T "R" had been helpful, but I met with her in T's office, which was kind of difficult.

T said he was glad she'd helped. I said I felt like I should have managed better, having seen her. T: "But you saw her on Tuesday. So that's almost a week until today. It's a long time for you." Me: "True, that makes me feel a little better." T said how he thinks that regular therapy sessions are a part of my being able to manage life. I agreed. T said how maybe just anticipating not being able to come in until Monday might have caused more stress. And how maybe I should have asked R to meet a second time.

I said how with R I had talked about him a little, and he said that was OK. Me: "One of the things I talked about was how it seems like in the past...maybe 4-6 months? It just seems like you've been much more understanding and accepting of attachment and transference stuff. But I worry that's going to change. And R said how I'd likely grown in therapy and how maybe you've grown up, too!" T smiled.

I said how another thing R talked about was "flow," getting really immersed in something, so mindfulness, as T would say. How for her, cooking and Zumba class can have that effect. T (smiling): "So she self-discloses more than me then!" Me: "Apparently! She even mentioned her daughter's name." (I know T's son's name because it was mentioned in a column he wrote on a different topic, but he's never told me.)

Me: "I guess that's one of the things that worried me about the email thing last week. I know this is black and white thinking, but with you not seeming to understand the email was about attachment, my mind went to, 'Maybe he doesn't get it after all.' When I know it doesn't have to be one or the other, it's just where my mind went." T: "I'm glad you realize it was black and white thinking. And it helps to know where your mind goes." Me: "Yeah, so the stuff with the email, it kind of snowballed in my mind."

Me: "Another thing is...that Thursday night, I wasn't in a good place. I tried to connect with you by holding the stone, but it's like...I just felt nothing. I think part of it is how I figure you'd be uncomfortable knowing I'm holding it, because of what you'd said before...So, I wonder if I should just give the stone back, if it's not doing anything." T: "Do you want to trade it in for a different stone?" Me: "What?" T: "You can swap it for a different one if you like." Me: "Yeah, maybe this one has become uncharged or whatever since I've had it for a while. But wouldn't you feel uncomfortable with it?" T: "But I'm offering it to you." Me: "OK...I'll think about it and let you know next session." T: "OK."

I said I knew we had to stop in a minute, but wanted to mention one other thing his email reply seemed to dredge up, so we could discuss at a future session. That it felt like he was dismissing my fears, just like my parents did when I was a kid. T said that was an interesting connection. Me: "And I know you aren't as into the whole transference concept, but this is why I say that some of this has to be, say, paternal transference. Because my reaction to some of this stuff with you is much bigger than just you. Like, it's not just about you specifically." T: "I get it. Plus we were just recently talking about your father and how it feels you let him off the hook for some stuff." Me: "Yes, so that's likely why it's affecting me more now. So maybe we can discuss that next session."

I looked over at his fish and commented that she was reacting to me, which she hadn't been when I first sat down. T: "Yeah, she's been kind of moody since I've been back. Might not have liked the babysitting." Me: "Maybe she felt abandoned." T: "Maybe!"

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. Went over and paid. I said how the session had helped me feel better about things, and he said he was glad. T: "Oh, and I don't want to shake your hand because I'm getting over a cold, and the last thing I'd want to do is pass that to you. So, air handshake!" He shook is hand in the air. I laughed and did the same. T: "Have a good week." Me: "You too. Hope you feel better." T: "Thank you."

I felt much better about things after that session. Felt I'd reconnected with T and that things are good between us. Of course, he goes away again in a few weeks...

My session actually went pretty good despite the fact I was nodding off in her office and then jolting awake. She says I very well may have narcolepsy. She says She’s glad I don’t drive because I shouldn’t be driving with my sleep issues. A couple years ago I would have thrown a fit if someone told me I shouldn’t be driving. But I do now realize that I shouldn’t be driving not only because of my anxiety but because of medical reasons as well. We also talked about my weight and this week she didn’t care about me wanting to get down to 125. pounds. I was happy with how it went today.

You should check into the narcolepsy thing. My college roommate had that (got diagnosed while I was living with her) and got meds that really helped. You should also consider a sleep study in case you have sleep apnea, as that can cause dozing off during the day. Actually they may need to do a sleep study to diagnose narcolepsy anyway.

Or "Maybe I felt abandoned." I wonder if he picked up on that. Or if you felt abandoned (maybe you didn't and I'm reading into things) and were able to express that through his fish.

Thanks. I saw my doctor about 1.5 months ago and he immediately knew I needed to see a sleep specialist so he referred me to one. The problem is the first intake appointment available isn’t until the middle of September. So I’m kinda screwed until then.

Oh, I was totally trying to refer to myself through his fish. I think he got it, based on the way he said, "Maybe!" And considering what we'd discussed earlier in session.

First discussed work quickly, slowly starting to feel a bit more secure there.
Then briefly talked about one of my friends and me fearing he might not talk to me anymore. That led to me mentioning another friend who had texted me for the first time in months. I was a bit annoyed with that guy, since he suddenly decided to vanish and now just wants to go back to normal talking, but at the same time doesn't really manage to hold a conversation. T remembered that this friend had started dating someone and then more or less stopped talking to me. T suggested he might have trouble with his girlfriend and laughed slightly.

We discussed that I was being rather harsh with the friend. T tried to explain why he might have texted me and why he might not want to talk after all. He tried to convince me that it doesn't mean my friend shouldn't have texted me at all and that instead of being angry I could also be happy about the fact that he thought of me.
While I get what my T was trying to say, I couldn't really relate with my feelings.

We had a bit of silence, T asked what I was thinking about. I mentioned missing him a lot and said that I'm really fond of him/like him.
He asked what I think a T should do when a client says something like that. I answered 'talk about it' and he said that's a good start. He went on to say that we couldn't have a romantic relationship, to which I replied that I'm not in love with him. T said he knew, that I'd told him multiple times before and that he'd be too old for that anyways.
Then he said that he gets the impression that now that we've known each other for a while, he feels more secure with me. He said he remembers how his wife initially told him I'd contact him. That his first thought was 'she's a woman, for sure she'll just want to see another woman'. We both laughed about that. He said now he feels like he can manage working with me better, that he knows that I often don't look at him, that it makes him happy and proud when I do. And that sometimes early on he wasn't sure whether I could calm myself down or whether I'd completely lose it, which he now knows a bit.
He added that he'd been looking forward to our session today. Even though it's hard sometimes, for both of us.

He asked me what I thought. I told him that I trust him a lot more than early on. Especially that I don't feel like he'll abandon me just like that. That he'd tell me and we could discuss it and all. He told me it's good that I feel that way. That if he would have to ever stop working, he'd try to tell me months in advance.


I said that if something like that were to ever happen, I'd try to think of what he'd tell me to do, what he'd think is a good next step. He told me that that's kind of our goal, that I can imagine what he'd say and that helps.
At some point he also mentioned he'd be gone for two weeks soon.

Was an overall good session, though I'm slightly worried about him being gone for two weeks.

Today’s session ended up many miles away from where I expected it would. After we had done the paperwork, R asked how I was doing.
‘If I say there were three points at which you nearly got an email, but the English language failed me…’
‘You couldn’t find the words?’
‘Exactly. Realising what I came to realise last week about the isolation thing, made me wonder if I am perpetuating the pattern.’
‘Can you help me understand that?’

‘When I was in the situation, I didn’t feel as though I could talk to anybody about it. Now, the situation is so complex that I couldn’t talk about it even if I wanted to.’

I said that the one person I wanted to talk to about it is also the one person I can’t talk to about it. ‘When I think of safety…when I think of safety…’
There were a couple of different options for ending that sentence, but neither of them made it out of my mouth.

‘Do you want me to move?’

‘Yes. I hold the way I was treated during Chris’ illness as a gold standard. The only time I really knew anything was when she could no longer update me.’
‘You hold the way you were treated as a gold standard. You felt respected and valued?”

‘Yes…the refrain during the other situation was “There is only so much one human can take.” I forgot about myself. There was information shared with me in the last months of Chris’ life, by Jonathan, that I don’t even know whether it was true. Not that it would change the outcome.’

‘I would invite you to consider what will be most helpful to you. What haven’t you processed?’

‘During the last week of Chris’ life, I remember fragments. I remember being offered a cup of tea, and when I looked down I was shaking so hard I couldn’t drink it. I couldn’t hold the cup, but there were questions over whether I wanted the tea.’

‘You experienced something you had never felt before.’ R noted that I was uncomfortable saying certain words.

‘I am purposely not using the word,’ R said, but there seems to be an uncomfortability around talking about finality.’

‘Yes. If I talk about it, I have to face how I feel about it. During the week leading up to Chris’ death, I don’t remember crying. Jonathan had promised that he would keep the forum thread where she mostly posted up to date, and I participated in that for a year. When Jonathan wrote a message wishing her son a Happy Birthday, five days after his mother’s death, that caused me to weep. I can’t even imagine, not that I want to imagine, but…’

‘You are a real empath.’

‘And whilst I am empathising with somebody else, I do not have to feel my own feelings. I remember snapshots, unlike the bathroom scene. “I have just heard from Chris’ brother that she is at the final step of her illness. We are only waiting for the end and praying that she should stop suffering.” There are elements I remember like scripture.’

‘I have noticed that. You can reel them off.’

We talked about how I am glad that Chris did not live to find out that we had been deceived. ‘It’s devastating.’

‘People tell me that it probably wasn’t just me.’
‘And how does that make you feel?’
‘I know it wasn’t just me. They deceived her too.’

R said that she got the impression mine and Chris’ relationship was ‘very nurturing and protective of one another’
I commented that I felt Chris treated me in the same way as her children.

‘What I feel I need is permission to be absolutely livid, but I can’t be angry at Chris.’
‘You have every right to be angry that Chris died, and angry that you had to deal with all of this additional ****.’
R offered to send me some quotes on anger that a friend had shared with her. She feels that anger gets a bad reputation, but it is a useful emotion.