In Session Today: Part VI

My T and I usually get along really well, but I was just not in the mood today—actually I was in a good mood when I came in, but not really in a therapy mood. Tried to talk but felt like he was shooting down everything I tried to say, and I was shooting down everything he said, and then he said something that just made it very clear that he comes from a much different and much nicer family than I do, and I didn't feel like explaining to him why it was completely wrong for me. I went silent, didn't say much else, left feeling down and irritated. I suppose we'll have to talk about it next week but I don't want to.

I hope you continue the good work and feel better soon.

I'm not sure where to write this. I am not sure what to say. I think the people on this forum might be the only ones who might hear or understand. It has been a hard week. Last week in Pilates, the instructor touched me to correct my form and I panicked. I was triggered. Then I went home and slept for 18 hours. I emailed T who focused on the good bit that I could tell the Pilates person to not touch me and said that we should discuss coping mechanisms, one better than just going to bed when I get overwhelming emotions. Then some time over the next couple of days, Wednesday I told T. I wanted to tell her that the SH marks are an affirmation of how I feel about myself. We did talk about the negative thoughts and when my over-thinking goes off the wagon, too far off reality yet I still think it is true. Thursday I went to pdoc and had a panic attack. Getting vitals and the current nurse was training a new nurse and the current nurse was both (a) asking me if I wanted her or the new nurse to take vitals and (b) telling the new nurse that this was just my anxiety. I was saying, 'this is just what anxiety looks like.' Talking to pdoc i was shaking and nearly in tears. She said that she would be willing to call T to say pdoc supports me taking time off work. I said T would support it. Pdoc said that she'd be willing to write a note to get me off work. I'm a professor - it doesn't work like that. A note doesn't get me off work. I need to find substitutes to cover my classes. I have an accommodation under ADA that I just need to call my chair and she'll arrange coverage. Problem is, she is on sabbatical this year and we have a new, not helpful and very arrogant chair. I emailed t telling her what pdoc said and that it was overwhelming just to think about finding someone to cover classes. then t wrote back - take the day off - which feels like she way yelling at me telling me i am stupid to be so pathetic. then T wrote again to say that i should just call secretary.
at any rate, i took the day off and now feel like it was an overreaction to take the day off. I am lost.

malika, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I don't think your T was thinking you are stupid or pathetic for wanting to take the day off. I think he was probably trying to support you. keep posting if it helps.

Does anyone else take a mental health day off? That is, their mental health issues make it so they cannot work? I look at the diagnosis list from Thursday's pdoc appt and it all feel so vague. Everything is "unspecified": bipolar, unspecified; social phobia, unspecified; insomnia, unspecified; GAD. Does this mean it is all imagined? Like I should be fine because I'm only unspecified? Not quite real.

No, that means you don't fit the traditional picture of those disorders, or possibly that your pdoc needs more time to narrow things down a bit. Here's what the DSM-5 has to say about Bipolar Disorder, Unspecified, for example:

This category applies to presentations in which symptoms characteristic of a bipolar and related disorder that cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning predominate but do not meet the full criteria for any of the disorders in the bipolar and related disorders diagnostic class. The unspecified bipolar and related disorder category is used in situations in which the clinician chooses not to specify the reason that the criteria are not met for a specific bipolar and related disorder, and includes presentations in which there is insufficient information to make a more specific diagnosis (e.g., in emergency room settings).

It could also be that your pdoc has decided you fit a specified disorder within the bipolar category, but just hasn't bothered to update your chart. That does happen.

If the diagnosis stuff bothers you, I would bring it up at your next appointment to get clarification.

I don't think it's overreacting if you need to take time off work due to your mental health. I'm sure you'd rather not feel the way you do.

ETA: I'm not sure what you're looking for with what you put under the trigger in your earlier post, but do feel free to PM me if you want.

ETA2: Your school might have online access to the DSM-5 if you're interested in seeing how these unspecified disorders are described for yourself. That's how I got the snippet I posted - through the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) online ebook I can access through my university.

thanks, Susannahsays

My therapist just kinda frustrates me because she tells me I have something legit physical going on and then when I try to explain my symptoms in detail to her and what I think may be causing them she tells me I’m just “looking for zebras” which sounds like she doesn’t really believe me. She just sounds like she’s being very hypocritical and it’s frustrating me. These past 2 days were so rough and I didn’t even have work. I don’t know what to do.

T send me to a PDOC. I already have an appointment for next week. I'm not sure how to feel about it. I've never gone to a PDOC before...

Haven't written in a while but I want to today. T and I have been through a ginormous rupture that I thought could end our relationship, but we got through it. By the end, he told me that he was retiring from most of his work next year and is only continuing to see a few clients, no more training, supervision etc. etc. I think I may have been picking up on an ending vibe, and that may have driven some of the rupture. I felt really pleased he is continuing to see me, and he said I was one of the deciding factors between semi-retirement and full retirement.

So anyway. Last Friday, I was searching google, something to do with my T and his (art related) hobby, when up popped a picture of him doing his hobby with his daughter. I saw this totally by accident. I felt fine about it, and not jealous at all (which is brand new for me) but I worried a bit how he would feel.

That night, I had a dream, with lots of facets to it but basically it started where I was going to do some online video training with my T. I switched it on, and he was sat eating his breakfast. I was like "this is mundane, why am I seeing this?" (I think this was about the photo, as it felt not for my eyes, and also not that interesting to me).
Then, something very specific happened, I don't want to say what it was, but let's pretend it was that the training involved a video of a waterfall. Then later in the dream he was doing something else, a fairly unusual (sport related) hobby, and something specific went wrong. He didnt seem worried about it in the dream. I said "I have dreamt about you [doing hobby] before, T" (in reality I have no memory of dreaming about that before.

So, first of all, T was fine with the photo thing, in fact he was most bothered about it being an unflattering photo. I talked about not being jealous or hurt and how I feel good about that.

After I told him about the dream, T said two things jumped out at him. He said firstly, that unusual hobby WAS his actual hobby for a long time, and that specific thing that I dreamt went wrong did actually happen to him. Secondly, he was currently developing a training programme that indeed DOES involve [a video of a waterfall]. He has never used anything like that in his training before. He said he sees that as a sign that we communicate unconsciously in ways we can't possibly understand. I find that so very difficult to get my head round, but also can't deny these are two weirdly specific things. And it's not the first time this sort of stuff has happened between us. There have in fact been quite a few over the years. It flies in the face of my logical brain.

We had a long period of silent eye contact. It felt wonderful. I told him he is very special to me. He said that's nice to hear.

He told me that he had thought about making his current art related hobby, the one I had been searching for, more visible, because people have been asking to see more of what he is doing. He said that me searching for it makes him feel like "oh echos would like to see that too, that's another reason to make a website so people can see it". I said how we can feel more relaxed about the boundaries because we have been through enough ruptures to know where they are and trust each other not to cross them.

Time was up. And without thinking, and I seriously have no idea where this came from, I said "Anyway, cuddle time!". We stood up and as we hugged he chuckled and said "did you say cuddle time" I felt a bit embarrassed and I was like "yes" and he chuckled again and said "just checking I heard you right". I felt weirdly embarrassed. I don't normally ever feel embarrassed in therapy. I think the strangest part was that it wasn't just that it evaded my internal filter, it's also that I have never even referred to my hugs with T as "cuddles" in my head, so I wasn't even aware I thought of them as cuddles. But clearly on some level I do! I really want to email him like "wtf how embarrassing I have no idea how I did that" but I think I am going to sit with it and talk about it next week.

I love him.

I saw my new med provider but I wasnt really into it so Im not sure it went the best. But she gave me adderall which was something I wanted, so I am happy

Today’s session ended up being quite intense. R came in and sat down and apologised for not having a chance to reply to my e-mail.
‘No problem. I went to a Lapidus meeting on Saturday.’
‘Is that for work?’
‘It’s personal, but crosses over into the professional.’
‘Okay.’
‘we were introduced to some great resources that might be useful personally and professionally.’
I explained that the facilitator asked me how I was, and I responded by talking about work.
‘How did that feel?’
‘I felt awkward, so I apologised for dodging her question, and then proceeded to dodge it in a different way.’

‘We’ve done some work on that, so how would you respond to ‘How are you, Lost?’ if you were going to be authentic?’

‘Professionally, things are great. Personally, I get tangled in language and don’t know how to respond.’

‘If you had said something like that, there are a couple of possibilities – you might find that they move on, or ask more questions. Is there fear there?’

‘Yes.’ I explained that after the workshop had finished, my Mum needed to pick up some bits, so we went to a shop, and that was a trigger. I began to laugh, and then clarified.

‘October approaching – Breast Cancer Awareness Month is a big thing for this shop. There was a huge display of pink stuff.’

‘A huge trigger – is there hurt there?’

‘Yes. It would be great if the pink stuff actually did anything!’

‘Do I detect a bit of anger?’

‘Yes. It’s a double-edged sword now, because my friend should be here to help me deal with this, although I wouldn’t change a thing.’

R asked whether I talk to family about this, and I said that I don’t.
I mentioned that I still feel a longing, even though Chris and I didn’t have the kind of relationship where we could have a weekly coffee.

‘Is the missing there?’

‘Yes.’

R said that she wanted to be careful about her next words, and then mentioned that she had observed an almost spiritual relationship between me and Chris. ‘I don’t know how that makes you feel. It’s almost like you still want her to be that person…’

‘Your hands are clenched quite tightly...Shall I move?’

‘Yes, please. It’s funny that you should mention the spiritual relationship with Chris first, because I feel as though my desire to maintain that relationship is getting in the way of my being able to express the anger I feel towards those people.’

‘Oh!’

‘Although I never experienced Chris being angry, I am sure she must have felt it at some point. Just because I didn’t see it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.’

‘No.’
R said it sounded like I was comparing my own anger with anger that I imagined from Chris.
R said that I had come to mind in a conversation she had with a friend recently. She mentioned that her friend works with anger ‘In a different context…abuse victims…’ but she had explained to R that when most people think of anger, they think of violence, shouting and screaming, but…

‘Anger is an emotion, not a behaviour. Behaviours come from emotions.’

‘And because I don’t express my anger, it makes me feel physically ill. I need to find a way, but I don’t want to weaponise my words.’

‘You’ve got me thinking now about how I express anger. When I am angry with my kids, my patience isn’t good, so I might raise my voice.’
‘The theme for National Poetry Day this year is Truth.’

‘That is a powerful one. Are you going to do that thing where you say you aren’t going to write anything, and then write something amazing?’

‘It is a powerful one, especially in this context. My truth at the moment is that I am absolutely livid, and don’t know how to express it.’

‘Absolutely livid.’
'I am trying so hard to hold it together.'
'I can feel that. I know we're gripping quite tightly, but I can feel that.'

‘Short of an unsent formal complaint.’

R said that what she really wanted to say to me today was ‘You don’t need to be ashamed of being angry.’

‘My anger is justified.’

We wrapped up then, and R invited me to spend some time before session looking back and seeing how far I have come. She cautioned me again on using Chris as a role model, and not losing my sense of self.

So…T yesterday night. Where to start? She came and got me from the waiting room, a bit late. That was okay. I was the only one there and I was just sort of dissociating by watching the ceiling fan go around and around. I was anxious about talking to her about the possibility of seeing Pastor T for a session or two and I didn’t know what her reaction would be. So, watching the fan go around was helping with the anxiety. Unfortunately, it was also making me more dissociative which I don’t need when I go to therapy because I tend to get dissociative anyway in session. When T came to get me from the waiting room, I noticed T had black flowers in her hair, which I like, and I commented how we looked like twins as we walked back to her office. I was in black pants with a barn red sweatshirt. She was in black pants, a black shirt, and a barn red cardigan.


She asked me how I was. I said I was doing a little better than last week. She wanted to know why? Had anything happened to change how I felt from the week before. I said, no nothing really happened. I said we had the tea party on Saturday. She asked how that went. I said it went well, but I had messed up the scones recipe, so we didn’t have any scones, but we had enough food anyway. I also said how we had inadvertently given my Mom three Xanax. She has memory issues, but she also has stress when there is a lot of people in the house. So, I had given her one of her Xanax. Then later my Dad asked my Mom if she had taken any Xanax. She said no. So, my dad gave her two more of her Xanax. So, that meant my Mom had three, about 1.5mg. It was amazing she made it through the tea party without falling asleep, though she did sleep most of the day after the tea party.


Then T asked me about the cutting. I said I had 37 days without SH. She said congratulations! I said I was going for 50, so that means 13 more. I expected her to ask, what happens when you get to 50, but she didn’t. She said we have been looking at cutting all wrong. That it isn’t the cutting that is the issue, that it is the symptom, and we need to get at what lies underneath. What is causing the cutting? She asked me if every time I cut, I know why. I said, no I do not. She said I need to know why I cut so ultimately, I can stop cutting. And she said that it isn’t about stopping cutting, because that will never work, but it is about adding to my life so that I don’t have the need to cut. We discussed things to do instead of cutting, such as playing basketball, holding ice, talking on PC, etc. She asked me to make a list of things I can do before cutting and commit to doing three of them before I cut. She also asked me to keep a journal with the writing prompt, if I were going to cut today, what is it that I feel? And if I can’t come up with how I am feeling, to talk about what I feel in my body, like upset stomach or whatever. I told her I thought I could do that. She asked me what my life would look like if I didn’t have cutting. I said I would lose some of my communication. She said, “Communication with yourself.” I said, “Yes, or whomever I tell about it.” She said, “Oh so, it’s like a cry for help?” I was like, “I guess, at times. Other times it just builds and builds and then I know that it is inevitable.”

I told her I had gone to Church on Sunday and I needed to talk to her about that. So, I told her about my Pastor and his offer to see me for a session or two to “tweak” my thoughts. How when I had been so suicidal, I had reached out to him for prayer because why not use all your resources, and how he was checking up on me on Sunday to see how I was doing. How he wasn’t trying to steal me, but how he thought he might have some techniques that would help me. I told her I knew you weren’t supposed to see two therapists at the same time, but that it would only be for a session or two. She said that it was fine. That if there was something that would help me, she was all for it. She said she isn’t CBT based, and it isn’t her favorite modality (something we have in common) but if someone who is good at it can help me then why not. She said her boundaries weren’t so in the box that she didn’t allow someone the opportunity to get help from someone else. She talked about when she had her own therapy, she had a regular therapist and then an art therapist. Then later she started seeing the art therapist also one on one, but she would discuss what happened with the art therapist with her main therapist. She said she was concerned I would become destabilized with the cutting though and to perhaps commit to one session and see how it goes before committing to the second session with Pastor T. She also later on called him a “faith healer” but I don’t know if that was meant to be funny, or if her pride was wounded, or if she genuinely sees him as a faith healer because her spirituality is more what I would consider mystical than mine. I just let it go. I didn’t want to call her out on using that term which I found sort of demeaning. I mean he has a PhD in Marriage and Family Counseling, so I think he is qualified to do CBT. I don’t think he is a charlatan or trying to sell me snake oil which is what I think of when I hear the term faith healer. She also said she didn’t think it would work for my hallucinations. But she said I could see him and that is the outcome that I wanted so I thought, okay good. Lets just go from there. I told her about a T I saw for four sessions that was strict CBT based and how I was frustrated, and she was frustrated. She kept telling me I have millions of thoughts per second; I just have to pay attention to them. And I was like, “No, I really don’t.” And how she kept threatening to have me hospitalized for cutting. T said, that doesn’t work for me. I don’t like to be threatened and I don’t like to threaten clients. I said it was one of the main reasons I had stopped seeing that T. That and I thought the T was batcrap crazy but I didn’t say that to current T.

We were talking about cutting again. I said one of the reasons why I cut is to get rid of suicidal thoughts. That I tend to not cut when I’m actively suicidal, that I think there’s a safety switch in my brain that has so far worked that has told me that I’m not safe to cut if I am suicidal. I said, Heaven knows what would happen if my switch were to break. But if I am more passively suicidal, I will cut to eliminate those thoughts because it does work. They do come back, but for a time they are gone. I talked about how I cut in order to prevent something bad from happening. For example, if I am worried about my parents getting in a car accident, if I cut, they won’t get in a car accident. She said that is illogical. I said, it works. She said there is no cause and effect between cutting and car accidents. I said my former T called it magical thinking on my part, and how I didn’t see anything wrong with it. She said, you’re cutting, that’s what’s wrong with it. I said, no I meant, what is wrong with the magical thinking. She said because it is illogical, and it doesn’t work. She said she didn’t agree with me. Then I talked about how I cut to get rid of hallucinations. She said, oh that’s a hard one.


She asked me about the first time I hallucinated. I was 10. I was staying at my aunt’s house in Montana. There was a field in the front and a river in the back. If I looked out over the field, I could see soldiers. She said what kind? I said old fashioned kind with swords and stuff. I meant medieval like knights with silver armor and stuff like that. But she thought I meant more of like the Calvary from the age of the wars with the Native Americans which she talked about for a little bit. She said how do you know they weren’t there? I said because no one else saw them. She said, yes, but maybe they had been there, and you were seeing their ghosts. I said, no I don’t believe in ghosts. To which she looked hurt. I felt guilty. But my religion and my views on the afterlife are core beliefs that I have, and I can’t say I believe it could be a ghost if I don’t believe in ghosts. So, then she went on about holograms for a while. Did I know what a hologram was? I said some sort of electronic rendering of a picture. She was like, yeah, sort of. But I don’t know how it could have been a hologram either. That seemed illogical to me. She asked if I had seen the soldiers other places or just in Montana, and I said other places. And how I would rather see soldiers than some of the other stuff that I see. Trigger for talk of Christianity.

At one point, which I may be neglecting to mention something in here because I don’t know why the topic of conversation shifted, she said, “It is difficult to see you in so much pain.” I didn’t know what to say to that. So, so I kept silent. She said, “Your parents really don’t understand.” I said, “No, like when I was really suicidal and I saw my Pdoc twice in one week, my parents didn’t understand how seriously ill I was at the time.” Although my Mom has her own MI so I would think she would have some sort of clue. My T said, “No, it just goes up and over her head. She just isn’t able to comprehend.”
She was talking some at the end of the session, but I was getting kind of dissociated so I don’t really remember everything she was saying. It’s kind of foggy in my head. At the very end she was saying she hoped that I had an even better week than I did this past week and that I would continue to feel better. I told her that I hoped she had a good week as well. And then I walked down the hallway, out into the waiting room, and then to my car.


I may have forgotten some stuff but that was the gist of the appointment. Pretty good I thought.
Comments welcome.

I'm proud of you, Kit, for being as open with your T as you have been.

I was running late to therapy. T had someone immediately after me. I got into an argument with my mom in the car and was upset when I walked into her office. I told her I am worried about how I’m doing at work due to my sleep problems. She said they may be frustrated at me or they may not. But either way I can get through it. I’m not sure I can lose my job without some type of warning which I haven’t gotten. But she said either way I can always get a new job. I don’t know. Does that sound supportive? I was out of it due to the 2 Xanax I took. Maybe she didn’t say it that badly. I don’t think I can lose my job because of a medical condition. Who knows in these days though with at Will states.

Hi @Mountaindewed, I hope you don't mind me replying to your post. While no one's job is secure with at will employment, usually you will receive a warning, or a series of warnings before a termination. (The same is not true of lay-offs which can happen at any time and in my experience usually come with little or no warning.) If you were to receive a warning due to performance issues, you may want to bring the matter to the attention of Human Resources that you are dealing with a medical condition. You may need a doctor's note or something to substantiate it. It depends on the company. If you need accommodations in order to do your job you would also want to talk to HR. In most cases, companies will make accommodations so long as it does not constitute a financial hardship on the company. This does not mean that you can't get fired because you have a medical condition. It happens all the time unfortunately. If you are unable to do the job duties with an accommodation that can be enough for an employer to let you go, or they will sometimes let you go for other reasons but it's really the medical issue. It's the reason why I don't disclose to my employer my MI because I am afraid of losing my job. They wouldn't fire me for that reason but they could say it is for another reason. But if you haven't received any warnings, I'd say you are pretty safe, as safe as one can be in any job market. Just keep doing the best you can. HUGS Kit

Also @Mountaindewed, look at your company's handbook. Some companies have a policy of progressive discipline before termination (barring special circumstances like violence in the workplace for example). That might put your mind at ease.

I got one warning sort of not sure if it was a warning or not. But it was at my yearly review that I needed to pick up the pace. That was the only one though and that was several months ago. Nothing about all the days I’ve been missing or anything. I know they are going to investigate into why my department isn’t doing well. Which I’m pretty sure is because of me. I don’t know what will come out of that.

HUGS @Mountaindewed Likely your performance evaluation is not considered a warning. IME it is usually a separate form that you and the manager sign outlining what the problem is and what steps you will take to rectify it. If you are having to take a lot of time off of work, it might be worth looking into FMLA leave if you are in the US (Family Medical Leave Act). It can be taken all at once, or a day here, a day there, to deal with your medical issues, or the medical issues of your family members. Again you may need a doctor to substantiate it, but it is a way to help keep your job. There are certain restrictions of FMLA leave (depends how big your company is for example) but it can be helpful during times where you need to take more leave than you have built up.

Saw T today, and I was immediately anxious while in the waiting room because I had taken a . I wasn't planning on talking about that, so I was incredibly anxious when I went in. Started talking about how I took my 10 year old to the crisis center on Thursday and then how my 11 year old had an epic meltdown this morning. T asked me how I was doing with all of that, and I told him I was nervous about seeing pdoc today. I told him.how the owner/supervisor joined the session last time and I felt like I wasn't being heard. I said that I felt like it was 2 against one about what to do about my medication. T said its ultimately up to me. And then I shared my SI thoughts from the weekend and how I'm trying to stay safe. How I'm trying to forward to my birthday next week and all that.
Then I started talking what I thought I found out this morning. Turned out to be a false alarm thankfully. But we talked about how H thinks of himself and doesn't think about how that would affect me. Overall it was a lot of stuff in one session.

I'll say! I just want to give my support to you, she hulk. I read but don't comment much, but you have a lot on your plate. Take it one minute at a time if you have too. Hugs if wanted.

T session with Pastor T last night. I will put a trigger warning for talk of Christianity and Self Harm.
Comments are okay.
Hugs would be great.

Kit

Hugs, SK, hope it's OK to comment. But that sounds really painful. And it doesn't sound like CBT to me? I mean, maybe some elements with the trying to change your thoughts. But I'm not sure how his reinforcing bad feelings about you would help? It's something I got upset with my T (who doesn't use religion in his practice at all--I think he's Jewish anyway) about recently when I was really upset about a mistake I made and felt really ashamed, and he was saying how feeling ashamed is the correct reaction to a mistake, and it's hopefully something that leads to change. . I sort of get what he was trying to say now, but it was really painful at the time and not what I needed to hear at all when I was in a bad place (he said some more affirming stuff in that email, too, but that was the part that stood out to me, so it was hard to see the positive stuff). Do you see your regular T later this week?

Hi LT. Yeah, I see regular T tomorrow. I'm not sure whether or not to tell her about the session because I'm pretty sure she is not going to be happy with the part of him telling me I'm bad when she's been working to tell me I'm good. I think Pastor T said some positive stuff in there too but I don't remember it either. Just the bad stuff stuck in my head. Thanks for reading my post. It is really painful. It certainly doesn't feel helpful even though I get what he is trying to do. I'm still trying to process it but my head is stuck on the bad parts. It's a struggle to not SH over it. But I think that would only make things worse. That's what I am telling myself anyway. HUGS Kit

Wow slumber - even the catholics arent so masochistic anymore, from the few times ive been to church in the past oh twenty-some years. Altho i think this pastor was even a bit sadistic. Anyway, im just thinking, that meanness and mindcontrol is why i broke away - it really wasnt doing me any good. I miss the feeling of community of course, but its kinda like feeling like you hafta laugh because everybody else around you is scapegoating someone, even tho you dont agree, you go along with it. But that someone is yourself?

And i agree with LT - thats not effin CBT, pardon my french!!!