In Session Today: Part VI

Sessions are as good as teletherapy can get for me. So it's not that...I want to tell her I love her, but I feel like a fool. It would be so much easier in person. I don't know how to say it, especially by teletherapy. The whole thing is weighing heavily on me. I feel pretty strongly that it's causing the nightmares.

May write more later, but today I basically sobbed about how difficult virtual learning has been for my daughter. Like I started crying about 1 minute into session and cried off and on throughout. For some reason, I apologized a couple times for crying, then was like, "I don't know why I'm apologizing." T was very empathetic and said how he felt like they were expecting too much out of his son as well (he's in the same school system, but in middle school vs. my D in elementary school). And that made me feel better, plus his saying that other parents he'd talked to also felt like they were expecting too much. Like they're expecting to do the same amount of teaching now as in a regular, in-person school year. When maybe that's not realistic.

Also talked some about my feeling, as Dr. T put it, "smothered" right now, being in the house with D and my husband pretty much all the time. He suggested I find ways to get out for a bit a few days a week, saying, "doctor's orders!" I said how I worried that stuff with Covid would never really go away. He said he wished he had something he could tell me to make me feel better. I said how I knew he didn't have a crystal ball. He said how people aren't built to handle something going on this long. And it feels like he's really struggling with it, too. He didn't have any magic answers for me. But the empathy really helped. And also just getting out all that I was feeling, the sadness and frustration.

I may write up other recent sessions in more detail, as I have time.

I had my first in therapy session in 6 months. I got screened and checked in with no issue. Then she called me and I almost didn’t recognize her because of the face shield and mask and also it looked like she had lost a ton of weight. We sat 6 feet apart and just talked about what we usually talked about if we had been doing a video session. Basically just being in the same room with her and doing an actual in person session was enough to make me happy. She was distracted by her face shield and was pulling at it a lot of time. And the face shield was distracting me too. Not her being distracted by it. Just the thing in general. But it went good today and I felt safe in the building. But I don’t know. I guess I felt like I’d be on top of the world right now but maybe it was seeing her in the face shield but I guess face to face is not necessary for each session like I thought it be. She’s seeing me on Tuesday and then the morning of my surgery and then the session after that is kinda up in the air depending on how I am feeling but we are planning on meeting in person again towards the end of October. But yeah facial expression is tough with the masks on so I can see why therapists are concerned about it. I was smiling at some points and since I was wearing a mask she wasn’t getting it and then that part of the conversation just fizzled a bit.

About the school thing . . . Since your daughter is served under special education, you have the right to call an IEP meeting and have her accommodations and modifications reviewed in light of virtual learning. Schools really do want to get this right, but everything is so abnormal right now and we're feeling our way through things ourselves. We feel like a dog chasing its tail most of the time. Call, ask for an IEP meeting. They need to come up with a reasonable plan that will work under the circumstances.

The state education agencies aren't giving us much leeway on educational goals right now. The powers that be seem to think we should have the same educational goals and expectations as we do in person. It's coming from those bureaucrats who are almost never educators. It's a mess.

Make the phone call. Get the meeting set. They can change her plan to make it more workable. Be the squeaky wheel.

Thanks, Artley. We did get an...ASDM? ADSM? Some sort of revised version of her services. So she is now getting, say, speech, OT, etc. virtually (she didn't get that in the spring).

We talked to her special educator (we've worked with her a few years--she's awesome, and she and my D love each other) right before school started. I said I was worried she'd fail the year, especially if the whole year ends up being virtual (so far, it's through end of January). And the educator said they wouldn't let that happen.

One of the things she's supposed to do, in addition to about 3.5 hours of synchronous learning 4 days a week, is spend 15 minutes each on a math and a reading app all 5 days. And doing that is a part of her grade. We told the educator that we're having trouble getting her to do that, and she said if she just does it on Wednesdays (the one asynchronous day), it will be fine. But I suppose it would be better to get something like that formalized on an IEP.

My T said how this must be especially difficult for me because of my perfectionist tendencies. And that I was a really dedicated student. Which made lots of sense. But he talked about how they do grades (this is also the first year--third grade--that she gets actual letter grades). And said how they're likely to grade on a curve and would pass her to the next grade. That there's a chance she could have to repeat a particular class, say, but doubtful. He also shared the other day that his son got his first D ever on a quiz (via virtual learning). That everyone is having trouble.


But you're right that maybe we should call an actual IEP meeting. We do have the option to have a meeting about the ADSM (ASDM?), so maybe we could start there? The problem was, we didn't really know how all of this would go and what the requirements would be until it started, so I didn't know what amendments to request at first. But now we have a better sense of what's feasible for her--and for us.

Today went pretty good. We talked about my anxiety this weekend and she asked me how I dealt with it and what coping skills I used. We talked about the surgery and the covid test I have to go for on Friday. We talked about my anxiety with Covid and how the news seems to focus on just the bad stuff. She says the media almost likes to scare people and that they are scaring people in hopes that people will start to wear masks and stuff. We talked about my UTI and the whole “wash your hands after” stuff. And she says shes glad I took care of the UTI now instead of letting it go on. We talked about how last session went. I said it was kinda weird and the face shield was freaky and she agreed. It went pretty good today I was just kinda anxious the whole time but I was able to talk to her pretty well. We even talked about TV shows for the last 5 minutes.

I felt really sick after the last in person session and I thought it was just anxiety or a really bad hot flash. But T told me today she felt the exact same symptoms that I did and that maybe something was up with the air in the office. We couldn’t have gotten a bug I don’t think since none of our family members got it. But It was weird though.

The session was weird today. It was at 9:30 which is a weird time for me to do any appointment let alone a therapy one. I talked about wanting to go to the hospital just because it was like a sensory thing because of my discomfort and from surgery and not being able to use the weighted blanket. And I said I bought a weighted vest and an oral chew thing online. She thought that was great and anything I could do to get sensory relief was good. I got a bit shaky about 12 minutes in so I had to put the phone down to grab a bottle of cranberry juice. So I was doing the session while drinking a big bottle of juice. She was all like “sometimes it’s nice not to need a glass” and I said “this is my cranberry juice and I’m the only one who drinks it” and then she said “if we need to stop the session we can” and I said I was fine. We talked about the surgery and my expectations I think she was a bit grossed out when I said I think my graft is falling off. But she didn’t say anything. Just the whole “control what you can” stuff. Then my brother came down the stairs and I had to pause things for 5 minutes. I said my mom cleaned my room while I was down here recovering but I was able to put stuff in a duffel bag. But she said she probably wasn’t looking through a duffel bag and if she didn’t say anything then I’m fine. We are doing the second in person session on the 29. That will be the last one this year.

On Friday I talked to my psychiatrist/therapist via the Ontario Telemedicine Network. It was a productive appointment. We talked about different things. One thing I mentioned was my misdiagnosis and the harm it caused. She’s familiar with this but wasn’t aware of one thing. I told her about an assault that happened while I was in a Prozac induced manic state, shortly after being prematurely discharged from a hospital that I have never dealt with before. The assault ended up being reported. The Ottawa Police Service took me seriously, but not psychiatry who told me I was being reckless and looking for attention. Apparently it was all due to my disordered personality, a diagnosis that was used to prevent me from getting assistance. It sent the message that is was okay for anyone to treat Didgee like a piece of ****.

It is going to take years to get over this.

Session on Saturday went pretty well. I was really tired though so we ended a little early and I went home and slept. I talked about some progress I've made ending a negative habit/addiction and how I am worn out from fighting it and how sometimes it doesn't feel done. She asked me if there was a ritual I could do that would make it feel more complete. I have to think about that but I think it could be a good idea. I am hopeful that it will work. We talked about the need to self comfort and how I could do that. We talked about an art project I'm working on that has to do with mental health and she wants to see it when it is completed. I told her I couldn't come to my next scheduled session because I would be out of town. So I'll see her in a month. She did offer three weeks but I declined. I told her if I get into crisis I'll schedule.

I didn’t have the best therapy session today. I was just out of it because of pain and Xanax. I can’t even remember a lot of it now. She’s all worried about my eating again. She says my new therapist when I move needs to specialize in eating disorders. But I do have an in person session next Thursday. So that’s good.

My session was ok.

Right off the bat she started asking me what was wrong, if I was feeling anxious, and if something had happened. I said yes, I was feeling anxious, and no, nothing had happened. I just felt rotten and anxious.

I didn't feel able to really communicate what was going on. I did become less anxious as we talked, but I still felt like I wasn't saying what I needed to say. She was listening and responded to what I did say, but since I wasn't able to communicate what was going on, my inner turmoil was not touched much.

Not being able to express myself always makes me want to act out. I guess it's a way to communicate distress when I can't find words. Discharges the bad feelings. More and more, I've been frustrated by my inability to communicate because at this point, I'd rather not act out. I'm in a place where I understand myself enough to know what's going on and would rather talk about it directly instead of acting like a nutcase to relieve the internal pressure.

I feel sad that I can't.

@susannahsays I hope it is okay to comment on your IST post. I just wanted to say that I understand completely what you are saying about wanting to act out because you are not able to express yourself. I usually acted in but I experienced the wanting to act out when I was hospitalized and felt like nothing was in my control (probably because it wasn't!). It's a very difficult place to be. HUGS. Can you email/text your T and just say that you feel like acting out because you couldn't express yourself? Or maybe journal. Or do an art project. A big ole messy art project. Might help. Maybe. HUGS. I hope you feel better soon! Kit

@SlumberKitty I did text her about wanting to act out and what I think I would be trying to accomplish by doing that. She has also suggested writing and art, but I'm worried that would just exacerbate the feelings because I would work myself up and then be unable to relieve the feelings.

She said another client had once found release in destroying some glass or porcelain items. Honestly, smashing some glass sounds kind of appealing but I keep thinking how wasteful that is. I guess I could then recycle the glass... She also said something about making a sort of voodoo doll and murdering it with pins (the doll would symbolize a certain abuser).

Heavy session, confronting the impact of coming changes at work. Soluble Lost was very much in evidence. R apologised when something she said caused me to break down again.

The session went ok today. Since it was in person she could tell how anxious and agitated I was. But it went ok. She thinks I might need OT for my autism and we may start DBT. She had goggles this time instead of a face shield so it wasn’t distracting like it was last time. I’m grateful I’ve had these 2 in person sessions and the one in person Pdoc appointment.

The last 15 minutes of my session all I could think of was Willam from Drag Race puking on the edge of the stage. My own stomach was on fire and my therapists armchair therapy BS about “how you’ve felt these emotions before they will pass” wasn’t making it any better. So I basically just hung up on her. Therapy was so anxiety provoking today. She said to me “did you regret meeting with me?” And I said “yes.”

I went into today’s session with notes, utterly prepared to avoid an emotional experience like last week. Once we started talking, I barely glanced at them.

R asked about the fallout from last week’s session, and I explained that it was much the same as always. Much of our conversation focused on my beliefs and way of engaging with therapy. I felt deeply uncomfortable as I explained to R that I didn’t write after our most recent session, and then had to explain how I usually approach the time immediately following our conversations.

‘If you hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t know.’ R went on to observe that I have very high standards regarding how I want to use therapy.

‘It sounds like there’s no room for expression of feelings. I want to talk about them.’
‘Absolutely – complete with the Gollum-like expression.’
‘Thanks!’

Our conversation also encompassed the impact of my experiences, specifically in relation to teen me. R understood what I was getting at in terms of the nature/nurture debate, and seemed to confirm that the way in which I deal with things was impacted by how I saw others deal with their emotions.
We ended up speaking about the book she recommended in her email. She said she hadn’t realised that Edith Eger had written two books either.

‘When I was reading, there was one chapter in particular that made me think of you.’ She said if she hadn’t been listening to the audiobook, she probably would have photographed relevant passages.

‘I know you’ll go to ‘Well, she’s a Holocaust survivor, so I can’t do that, but she makes it OK. I finished it in four days.’
‘I love it when a book grabs you like that. I want to experience that again. Reading for pleasure is so different.’

‘It takes you away.’ R then offered to do some breathing, focusing on breathing out anger and sadness.

The thing she said that sticks with me this week is: ‘Trauma may shape who you are, but it doesn’t mean you can’t find a way to manage.’

That's beautiful Lost :Trauma may shape who you are, but it doesn't mean you can't find a way to manage.

A snippet, paraphrased as usual for brevity...

Me: I was just sitting there with my coffee minding my own business when you popped into my head.
T: I hate it when that happens.
Me: I told you I just want to feel normal again.
T: What did I say?
Me: You said "Nothing is normal right now." Which I already know.
T: Well, what is normal, really?
Me: Gah. Yeah, you said that too. I really just want you to tell me everything will be all right.
T: Everything will be all right.

(Only she used more words and said it not in a trite head-patting way, but in a real way that still let everything be not all right for now.)

Well, ongoing T is going well. She's not my favourite, but she's probably the best one, no other feelings getting in the way, just a professional woman talking to another professional woman, and supporting me with the discrimination in my workplace, my parenting, and constantly telling me that I'm NOT the worst mother in the world.

I was really vocal during this session. Almost loud. She said I haven’t been this vocal in a long time. I just went on about how I felt the new medicine was making me angry. She was trying to counteract that. Then I admitted that the anniversary of my grandmas death which was yesterday, and my the anniversary of my dads death on the 29th may subconsciously be getting to me. Plus I was in physical pain as well from the doctors today. But it almost seemed like she was trying to get me going. Like she was pushing me to anger. Not for a malicious reason I don’t think but to just really push me to say what I was really feeling. Which she did kinda admit when we were almost finished with the session. I asked if it went well and she said it did and she said she knows she’s been pushing me a lot but because she thinks I’m ready to so I’ll be ready for my move. We talked about books for the last 5 minutes. Then right before the session ended she said she’d let me know what the week of Thanksgiving looked like or if I wanted a break from her pushing me. I feel good but I honestly sometimes think she’s a psychopath.

She herself was not as difficult as the last couple times. Probably because I chewed her out through email so she knew she needed to take a calmer approach with me today. But she said she probably won’t be able to see me in person before I move which threw me out of whack in the session. I’d always hoped to be able to do an in person session the week before I moved. But I just feel like **** right now because of the session. I always feel pretty ****** after therapy. I know for sure that’s not how it’s supposed to be. My mom says she the one being negative. T said she won’t tell Pdoc about me screwing with my meds unless I take them out of the garbage. She said what I did was super dangerous. Why do I have a feeling she’s gonna tell him regardless.

There was just a lot of “out patient program, possible IP, Pdoc needs to know, safety contracts need to be signed, kind of talk today.” Me laughing manically towards the end for who knows what reason. God this is why I want to do therapy every other week.

Session today was really hard. I began by quoting the first stanza of David Whyte’s ‘Start Close In’.


‘I can feel you have prepared for today.’ I replied that I hadn’t been able to prepare as I wanted, ‘because it is really hard to sit down and face this. I am so tired of being brave.’
‘You used that word then.’

R asked whether there was anything I needed from her in session, anything she could do. I promptly dissolved.
‘Try to stay with it, just stay there for a moment.’ I kept trying to explain, and crying. ‘It seems like there’s been a build up – holding things in for a long time.’
I confirmed that was the case, and then attempted to start several sentences, before giving in and saying ‘Sorry I’m talking gibberish.’

‘It’s not gibberish, and I can interpret.’ R said that Emotional Lost was very present today. I spoke about not being able to deal with surges well. R asked what it felt like. ‘I feel like a pan that is boiling over, but I can’t find the dial to turn it down.’ R offered an analogy: ‘The cooker you’re working on has an intellectual switch off. Once all the water has gone and evaporated, it switches off and becomes safe. It might take a while. It takes different times for different people.’

I continued to explain that I didn’t know where the feelings come from. ‘Emotional Lost is here today.’ ‘Professional Lost and Emotional Lost don’t mix.’ ‘That was Professional Lost talking. Emotional Lost is here now.’ Through tears, I put my thumb up.

‘You need to make friends with Emotional Lost.’ I put my thumb down.
‘I thought I might get that.’ R asked me whether I felt our sessions were the only place Emotional Lost ‘happened’. I dissolved again.

Session was the only place I felt safe to bring those big emotions, but so much has changed. Our conversation turned to me being back in survival mode. The life I am living right now is very similar to the one I created to ‘get through’ after Chris. ‘My life was becoming something that wasn’t about avoiding pain, and I am struggling to increase the size of my container.’

R drilled down a little further, and I confirmed that I was talking about pre-lockdown. She went on to offer that I try to remind myself this is temporary. We did some breathing focused on shoulders, and then the one hand on chest, one hand on stomach exercise. ‘I know this has been a difficult session. Please don’t beat yourself up about the way it went. Be kind to yourself for the rest of the day.’

I'm not sure why she told me all about her Friday melt-down. It was kinda weird. I don't mind listening to her, at all. But sometimes she tells me details about her life that are really triggering.