In Session Today: Part VI

I saw my sleep specialist today and I was worried she was going to weigh me but I knew I had my heavy boots on and my hoodie and jacket so she wouldn’t be able to tell much. She didn’t weigh me thankfully.

The very very abbreviated summary:

Me: That was brutal. (Talks about how brutal that was.)

Also me: (lots of crying)

Me again: And...AND...it sucks that I can't even stress eat all of the Almond Joys out of the Halloween bowl because I feel so sick to my stomach.

T finally chimes in, probably figuring it's finally safe to have a conversation now that I am not hugging my knees and there's no more water coming out of my eyes.

A conversation about the trash can, which is still not in the right place.
Me: It's still not in the right place.
T: I move it over there when I see you on the schedule.
Me: Seriously, it was always on my side when I started coming. You'd think by this time I'd have figured out it is over there now.
T: (laughs)

Discussion about the ways people show their true nature, then T says nice stuff about people being true to who they are, and the ways she sees me doing that.

Time to go, so we talked about Christmas stockings, boots, and other non-therapy stuff, which helped me get out the door with my people face on.

I originally didn't expect to see him today but was done with class early so messaged him.

He apologized again, said that he said he would be there for me but wasn't.
That he didn't behave as a therapist.

I told him I still didn't forgive him.

Told T about something that happened to me. I’ve never told anybody before.

It was really intense. My nervous system was buzzing. He said his was too, his legs were tingling.

It’s really really ****** to go from that to radio silence for a week.

Where is therapy headed?

I am so confused. For the last two sessions I feel like T boils every conversation down to the idea of making a list of what I need to do and then crossing things off of it. Simultaneously I’m telling her, or trying to tell her, that I feel numb and cannot access feeling and am just doing the next thing on my list like a robot. And her solution? “Tell me what are the things you need to get done at work?”

Wednesday I overhead the previous client mentioning that T would be away next week, but T hadn’t told me that, and these changes throw me for a loop, triggering feelings of being abandoned. So as I sat down I asked if she was away next week. She confirmed she’d be away and apologized. I felt paralyzed, even less able to process what is going on.

She asked what I was feeling, and I said I wasn’t feeling anything. So she asked me to make a list of what I needed to get done at work.

I said somethings that were bothering me. First, H woke me up at 5:30am because my alarm didn’t go off at 4:30 and I was frustrated he didn’t wake me up when he got up. She responded that 5:30am wasn’t too late to wake up.

I told her my mom sent an email with a subject line of question marks, asking if I had received her text, which was her way of saying my dad had a minor stroke early in the day. T said that was just my mom’s anxiety.

So I felt I didn’t have a right to be frustrated by these thing.

Then she kept writing while I was silent. I asked what she was writing and she said that I was planning on working the next day from 8 am to 6 pm which was “not good.” So basically all I got from here that day was being told that I was not good. I told her I needed to leave to go grade papers and left 20 minutes early, which I have never done.

I’ve been feeling like a box with no inputs, no outputs. No feelings. And her response has been to ask me to list what I need to get done at work.

Last week I told her that it was frustrating that all of my diagnoses were NOS: bipolar NOS, GAD, social anxiety NOS. I asked her what she writes when she bills my insurance and she said she wasn’t sure, probably depression NOS. This was one week after telling me that she needs to talk to my insurance every three months to get more visits authorized, but she cannot tell me a diagnosis beyond NOS? She tells me I need to take Thursdays off for my mental health, but can’t tell me why? I just feel like the world is spiraling out of control for me and there is nothing to hold onto. About once a day I feel like I am fighting back tears at work.

I feel like I try to talk about hard stuff and she doesn’t get it and then never follows up:



I see my pdoc monthly and she always asks what I am working on in T and says I need to keep going. My H says that I need to keep going. And where I live there are not many options in terms of finding another T.
I cannot even remember what therapy is about. H says he walks on eggshells around me to not set me off. I am out of touch with my feelings and have a therapist who is out of touch with me and going on vacation!
H says I should continue with this T because she has been on my side for so many years, and honestly, there are no other options in the town where I work. There are options, not great ones, in the next biggest town, which is 1.5 hours from my work.

I guess I just want some empathy in the world. Anyone have any to share?

New T, focusing first on our relationship. It was easy for me to feel and express positive feelings I had towards her, but sometimes, I zoned out. She asked: what is the feeling behind your fear? So: what feeling that you feel is not allowed, causes you to zone out and 'feel nothing'? This cycle repeated many many times during this intake session of 2 hrs. I was frustrated, because I genuinely did not feel anything, but it was true that I zoned out, so something was up. I thought it might be anger, frustration at her repeating questions, but I didn't really feel that. I think I felt fear that she would reject me for not being able to respond. Then she would ask: but that is an emotion about you: what does that make you feel about me ? But it seems that I have carefully suppressed any negative emotions directed at somebody else, and only feel emotions about myself: disappointment/frustration at my inability to feel, sadness at the thought she may reject me, fear. But nothing that really goes towards her. I suppose that's relevant, but I have no clue how to get past this wall of not feeling.
Perhaps these are too few details to explain what happened. Responses welcome though- anyone been through a similar process? How on earth do you transition from not feeling certain unwelcome/inconvenient emotions to feeling them? Inbox is ok too if it's not appropriate here, this turned out longer than expected. Good night/day!

My therapist cancelled again because her kids are sick again. She rescheduled me for tomorrow. I had a gut feeling this would happen when I woke up so I wasn’t even surprised.

I don’t know if I should have told her some stuff today. I mean I do pretty much trust her but she’s telling my doctor and I don’t really trust him.

Pastor T last night **general trigger warning for talk of Christianity**
I was really nervous going to see Pastor T because I had SH-ed during the week. He had told me that if I had SH-ed, I needed to tell him. So I knew I needed to tell him, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I didn't know if he would want to see the wounds. Or if he would tell me I had to go to the hospital. Or what. Basically my "what if" button in my head was going off like crazy.

So I went in to see him. And I told him that I had SH-ed since I had seen him last. He didn't seem particularly fazed. He asked me how many lines I had done which I thought was a funny way of saying it. So I told him 10. He was like, oh you were really angry? I was like, yeah, I guess, and some other stuff. He asked me how deep they were and I said they were medium. That I didn't have to get them stitched. He was like, when is the last time you had to get stitches? I was like maybe February? Something like that. He asked me what I had thought afterwards. I was like, not much, I just started watching TV. He was like okay....I said usually a few days later I will feel sort of guilty but not immediately afterward. I told him I had done some on Saturday and some on Sunday. He was like, oh that's significant! I was like, not really, usually when I do SH I will often have a couple of days in a row. He asked me how long it had been since I had SH-ed I said 75 days. That was my goal with my other T and we hadn't made a new goal so I felt like I could give into the SH. He was like, so you wanted to do it? I was like, of course, I always want to do it. He said I'm addicted. Shrug. Maybe. I don't know. He asked me the longest I had gone without it. I said one year. He asked me how I was able to do that. He asked me what I had tried before I SH-ed. I really hadn't tried anything. I was worn out/worn down and I just went to the thing that I knew would help. He was like, so it takes the pain away? I was like yeah. He was like thinking about that for a while. He said he doesn't know everything that SH means to me. But that I need to hate it. I need to not make it an option.

He asked me about if I had thought any more about an accountability partner. I was like, yeah I talked to your wife after Church yesterday. He was like, where was I? I was like IDK. He was like, she didn't tell me. See the level of confidentiality! I was like yeah. He asked me what she said and I said that she would. He was like, did you have a good conversation about it? I was like I guess. He was like what did you say? So I told him. He was like, that's it? I was like, well yeah, basically. He kind of made it seem like I should rely on the accountability partner aka his wife as a last resort and try all the other stuff first. I don't know about that. Like I don't want to burn out his wife, but his whole thing is trying to get me connected to people and that action is connecting to people.

He says I have a lot of knowledge about the scriptures. I have a lot of head knowledge but he wants to make it more real to me. He said I know a lot about what God says about me but do I really believe it? He was like why do you let someone else's opinion of you bring you down and upset you when what matters is what God thinks of you? He wanted me to do this exercise where I closed my eyes and did a visualization and then prayed out loud with him in the room. I wasn't too comfortable with that. Even though the door to his office was open. It just still seemed kind of creepy. I negotiated. I was like, how about I try it at home and report back how it goes. He was okay with that.

I only got two lines of the verse memorized that I was working on so he told me to keep working on that, to keep working on the visualizations, to keep working on reading the book, and something else that I forgot but I have written down.

There's more to what went on in session but some of it I kind of forgot and some of it gets pretty into Christianity--more than what I feel is appropriate to discuss in a general forum. I see regular T tomorrow night.

Comments are okay.
Kit

Regular T last night.

I went to the office and since I had been there the day before sorting out my copays, the receptionist "C" told me just to flip the light letting the T know I was there and to take a seat. I had to use the bathroom so "C" opened the door for me and then once I was done I returned to the waiting room. The waiting room had some horrible elevator music playing. It was truly awful. I did not like it at all. It's weird, sometimes they are playing trendy music, sometimes music from like back in the day musicals, and then sometimes this weird elevator music. I guess it depends on the mood of the receptionist. Although she seems like a very perky sort of person so it's weird when she chooses this stuff.

My T came and got me on time which is amazing. We went back to her office and the light was on and she asked me if I had turned in on. I said I hadn't. I don't even know where the light switch is in her office. She said, oh I must have left it on. She explained that she was tired and wasn't feeling well so she had gone home for a nap. I was worried that she was going to be wacky like that one time but she wasn't.

She asked me if I had SH-ed and I told her that I had. She asked me how many days I had made it to, and I said 75. She said that was good and that she was proud of me. Then we mostly talked about work stress for a while. I'm learning the new ways of the new company and getting used to the ways of the Controller. Sometimes I feel inadequate. It's not a good feeling. I told my T that I have a pathological want for the controller to like me. She said she didn't think that was pathological, just human. She asked if it went farther than me wanting the controller to think I do a good job, I said, yes, I want her to think that but I also want her to like me as a person. She asked if I like her (the controller) and I said that I do. She reminded me that all the feedback I have gotten from the controller has been positive, that I am doing my job well. Partly I am getting used to not having a boss in the next office. The controller is on the other side of the country in NY while I am in CA. She is also the Controller for the NY office and the CA office so she has her hands full. She is really good at responding to me when I send her questions or information that she has requested. Just I miss that personal interaction that I had with my former boss. We talked about my frustration with a few situations at work where I have been "in between." Like in between the old boss and the new boss. And in between the GM and the Controller. How that puts me in a delicate and frustrating situation. T said it will get easier as I go. And the more I do things that I have to do in my new role the more I will be confident in myself and not look for validation elsewhere.

Then we talked about the SH. I told her that I didn't feel like it was complete. I had a hard time getting her to understand that aspect. She was like, how many cuts do you have to make for it to be complete? I was like it's not about the number, it's just about a feeling that I have and it feels incomplete. She asked me if I have felt this way before, and I said yes. She asked me what I have done in the past. Sometimes I have gone back and done more SH and other times I sit with the feeling of incompleteness and in about a week it fades. T reminded me that I was already 3 days in without SH so I had a good chance of getting through the week. I explained that right now I want to want to not SH but I want to SH. T accepted that. She said that is where you are right now and that is okay. We will work with you where you are at. She said it sounds like I have part of me inside that always want to SH and part of me inside that always doesn't want to SH and the two sides of me are in conflict. She said that I am working hard towards trigger for Christianity She said she hopes I can make it through the week without needing to SH.

We went into overtime. The session was about an hour and a half. It wore me out but it was also good. I felt very connected to T and I felt supported by T and accepted by T. I didn't feel judged, or put down, or forced into anything. I wish all my sessions could be that way.
Thanks for reading.
Comments okay. Hugs always welcome.
Kit

Had a pretty insightful session with T yesterday.
He asked his usual intro question. I told him the week had been weird, when I left last Friday I started crying on the way home. I even cried on the bus, surrounded by people. But then this week I'd almost forgotten about the session, I had to read my notes to know what we'd been talking about.
T asked why I had been sad. Told him I didn't know exactly, it started when I looked at him. He asked when exactly and I said when we said good bye, which was the second time I looked at him in that session.

He said there was probably a connection to our session if it started right after and said it's important to think about why it happened so it doesn't stay some unexplained emotion. Then he asked what I think his reaction is when I share something like this.
I thought about it and then said that I didn't know, but T insisted that it's important and that I could imagine somebody else instead of him if that helps. I answered that people might get worried, sad or some people get angry.

He confirmed that and mentioned that sometimes he's worried. How he also sometimes worries when I never look at him since 'he knows that's not normal'. He then said that he has a theory. Maybe I use such emotions unconsciously as a strategy to get closeness to people. I tell somebody I'm sad and they react worried, they try to care for me. This creates a sense of closeness. He mentioned how there's theories that say such mechanisms exist.
He explained for quite a long time and asked a few times whether I'm paying attention.

Then he said how that strategy doesn't really work though. How when I act like this, he feels I create more distance between us. I want to be close, but in reality I go further away. It's just an illusion of closeness. But that he knows this is not intentional, that my emotions are 'just stronger than me'.
I told him that now I felt like I shouldn't share anymore when I'm sad. He responded that he doesn't believe so. Maybe that's what I feel right now, but that he thinks it's very important that I told him and that it's good to discuss these things. Because only then can he get to such theories and explain them, which is the first step to changing those things.
He asked whether I could accept that maybe this is part of me? I said yes, but that I want to change it. He explained that I probably have been doing this for a long time, maybe since childhood and that it takes a long time to change. He also said that many people have issues with accepting closeness, though normally not extrem as in my case. And that there's a lot of it in therapy, we talk about a lot of intimate things. That it's normal for people like romantic partners to get upset and angry if I get sad like this, but that therapists have to understand where it's coming from and not just get angry and leave.

T said that our goal in the end is to be able to be closer to people, experience 'genuine closeness', which he explained as being able to concentrate on each other, talk about anything under the sun and to not get scared or worried. That this type of connection gives us a good feeling.

I asked about how I actually get there, he suggested that I just try to look at him more often. In the end I have to take that step, but that he's there to help. He also mentioned that I manage quite well at the end of sessions. Then he asked whether I wanted to try since we had to wrap up soon, which I did as usual. He commented that he was happy we just got to the point right away and didn't talk about other stuff, that it was an important discussion. Then he asked a few small-talk questions about my plans for the weekend before saying good bye.

Thursday with Dr. T:

When I got there, T warned me that the office would look different. He'd replaced his armchair with an office chair and put a different set of tables next to me (fish was still there though!) It was weird at first because T seemed like he was higher up in the chair, but he said he didn't think he was, that I looked the same. It just felt a bit awkward, adjusting. I said it feels different when he wears his glasses, too (usually wears contacts). I said he had to warn me if he was ever going to make some big personal appearance change, like shaving his head or his beard. He said then he'd be a bad therapist (or something like that).

At one point, we somehow ended up on the topic of my abandonment/rejection fears. He asked if I felt I had trouble judging how relationships are going, if I felt that had been an issue lately. Because he had the sense I'd been doing well with relationships and knowing where people stand. I said yes, doing better lately, but some of the stuff from the past still haunts me. Like exes. And my former best friend, who seemed to bail on me shortly after D was born.

We talked about that a bit, how with her, I was always sort of the "supportive friend," telling her what she wanted to hear. How I knew she could cut off people for being disloyal or critical. So...maybe I wasn't being myself with her. And in the midst of pregnancy and having D, I just couldn't deal with some of that stuff anymore (like once when she called to complain about a friend not seeming excited for her that she'd just gotten this fancy BMW--meanwhile, I was debating whether to spend the money for a new, not-fancy VW wagon because it would be safer and easier for D.).

T said that someone had told him this thing once..."Actually, I think it was [ex-MC] who told me...yeah, I think it was!" Me: "OK..." T said it was that if someone you know does something to other people, don't assume that they won't eventually do that same thing to you (referencing my friend). Me: "That makes a lot of sense. Don't tell him I said that!" T: "I know you're just being flippant, but I want to reassure you that I don't talk to him about you at all." Me: "I know. I trust that, since I ended the communication agreement."

I shifted to talking about what I'd emailed him about Tuesday night--where H and I had met with D's T, P (without D), to discuss some parenting stuff. I said it felt weird in a way because it was almost like marriage counseling. And I'd realized that I'd/we'd (perhaps subconsciously) sat in the same configuration we had in ex-MC's office, with me kind of between H and P (an L-shape). So it was bringing my mind back to that a bit. And I said it was interesting, because I found myself playing with my hair in there, which I only really do with male therapists... T: "You only do that with male therapists?" Me (turning red): "Yeah, mostly...though I tend to notice if I do that in here then stop." T: "Yeah, I think I mentioned it to you 6 months ago, and you've done it much less often since then." Me: "Is there a time when I seem to do that more? Just curious." T: "I've noticed uou tend to touch your hair when you're sad, when you're starting to get emotional." Me: "Hm, interesting..."

I went back to what I'd emailed him about, which was that it had seemed like H painted himself to P as this great parent, while I came across (mostly from my own telling) as not so great. And how P had suggested that I try to follow more how H deals with D in getting her to do things/disciplining her.

I had told T that I was just looking for support and a reality check from him that I wasn't the sh**ty parent that I felt like right then. He made the point in the email that it seems H tends to present his best self, while I tend to focus more on my shortcomings. Which I told him, in session, was quite accurate. And probably should have been obvious to me, but hey, that's why I pay him, right? T said lots of things can seem obvious and...gave the random example of inline skates, like why had no one thought of that before? I said it's also easier to see from the outside, and he agreed.

I started crying a bit and said how it felt a bit like how things had been with ex-MC, how in there it often seemed like I was the one with the problems. Like ex-MC would suggest it was me overreacting to H, that it was about my issues more than his. And I was afraid of that dynamic happening again. So I thought that's part of why I got so emotional about it after the session.

I said how part of me wanted T (in his email reply) to say, "You're a great mom!" But that I also realized that his saying that might help me in that moment, but not in the long run. Plus, he doesn't *really* know if I'm a good mom, just what I tell him. T: "Exactly, I don't know how you are as a mom. Plus, if I said you're a great mom, that might keep you from doing any improvements you might want to do."

He said how this next thing might come out wrong. But that you can both be doing an OK job and want to make improvements. How just because you think there's room for improvement, it doesn't mean you're doing a bad job now. I said that made sense.

We revisited an issue we've been having with D (something potentially triggering*), which is a big part of what led us to start seeing P. T said he hadn't experienced that happening with anyone he knows or has worked with (though he doesn't really work with kids--just teens, but also couples). He emphasized, as he has multiple times lately, that D is a challenging child to raise. Regarding the specific issue (see below), he said, "If I was dealing with that with my son, I wouldn't know how to handle it either." Me: "I really appreciate your saying that. It helps."

I knew was time to stop. T warned me that things were going to "get goofy" soon with scheduling. I was afraid he was taking a bunch of time off, but he's just off next Monday (said we can meet Tues/Fri if I want), then off Thurs/Fri. Thanksgiving week. I said, "OK, I was afraid you were going to say you were moving to Spain or something." T: "Then I'd have to learn Spanish." Me: "I don't know why i picked Spain." T: "It's a place!"

I'd paid at the beginning (our new ritual), so he stood up, opened the door, then held out his hand and I shook it. T: "It was good seeing you." Me: "Good seeing you, too." T: "Good luck with D." Me: "Thanks." T: "Have a good weekend." Me: "You, too.

Comments (or PMs) welcome.

*What's going on with my D--please tread carefully:

I've missed your posts about sessions, LT

I'm sorry you are dealing with that with D. I wouldn't have a clue on how to handle that either.

My session went fine today. She had me do some testing for an ED and it showed a moderate chance that I have one. I told her that I didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving because “my dumb 400 pound jerk cousin will be there.” She just said “oh, ok” she’s not pressuring me into going or not going. I told her about my 2 hour long panic attack on Friday and she asked if going under the weighted blanket was avoiding the anxiety. It got rid of the panic attack so I personally think it was a good idea. I said I think my panic attack was related to my peppermint mocha and she said “does this happen every time you drink peppermint mocha?” And I said “yeah but you know it’s a seasonal flavor so I keep forgetting.” She didn’t say anything to that. Honestly she didn’t say much today. It was just the testing and me talking. She did say the rude random guy at the estate sale commenting that I looked tired was a jerk. So she did say some stuff.

I had a really useful session today, in terms of preparing for Sunday. R said that she re-read my email last night, and felt a pang in response to knowing I am going to deal with that.

‘Can you tell me a bit more about the trigger? You don’t have to if you don’t want to…’
‘For me, that song is inextricably linked to the last week of Chris’ life. When I found out, you know…we’ll stick with ‘you know’.’
‘OK.’
‘The week before I found out that she was not going to live, I had been learning the song at a local youth club. There was no indication that anything was going to happen. Then the following week I was putting the bass line with the chords and getting irritated. “She deserves to hear it once, perfectly…”
‘It became for Chris?’
‘Yes. The only version I can just about handle is John Lennon’s, because he doesn’t really sing it.’

We talked about my expectation that my personal stuff should not affect me in a professional capacity.

‘When you are at work, you should be bulletproof?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can I ask you a question?’
‘Please do.’
‘What is the worst that can happen, and can you survive it?’
‘I don’t want to cry in front of my boss, because of the awkward conversation that might ensue afterwards.’
‘The fear is crying in front of your boss. We have talked before about you not wanting to appear to be Fragile Lost.’ R asked who would be attending the service with me, and I filled her in.

She followed up by asking whether I would react in the same way if a colleague shared similar fears about a situation.

‘Of course not!’
‘You are able to show more compassion for others than yourself.’
We discussed how my default strategy when faced with that song has always been to leave.
‘In this case, I have to pay enough attention to what happens afterwards to be able to write about it for the website. I am very grateful that my colleague is doing the reading, and I didn’t step up.’
‘Is that something you would have considered, taking out the huge trigger?’
‘My colleague has an acting background.’
‘And the confidence.’
‘Yes.’
‘Could you let somebody know in advance that you’re going to find it difficult?’
‘If I let somebody know, there’s a tendency towards “You’ll be all right”.’ R seemed to get that.
‘This sounds stupid, but...It is stupid...’
‘You need to say it.’
‘I’d rather have a panic attack than cry in public.’
‘The Critic is loud today. Disproportionate earlier, now… That doesn’t sound stupid.’
R continued: ‘Can I just say Lost, that doesn’t sound stupid. From knowing you, that makes sense. With a panic attack, people don’t ask questions. When someone cries, it’s “Are you okay?”, “What’s wrong?”, “What happened?”’
‘Are you OK is the one I’m scared of.’
‘Perhaps you could consider how you will answer that?’
‘This event is really something to celebrate. It is the first time our young people have been invited to share their work. We have one young person reading. I love what I do, and I want to be able to enjoy this.’

‘You lit up then. Just a suggestion, but can you give as much air time to that as the other?’

‘The two things can co-exist.’

‘That moment will undoubtedly be difficult, and triggers have a way of pulling you down into a darkness that is difficult to get out of. When you feel that happening, do something.’
I paused the conversation there, because I needed to grab something.

‘For as long as I’ve dealt with anxiety, I have never owned a stress ball. We went to a garden centre on Sunday, and I got myself a stress sloth.’

She asked whether she could have a look. I handed it to her, and she commented that it felt nice, ‘but because it’s an animal, I don’t want to squeeze it too hard. I’d suggest you keep it in your pocket on Sunday.’

We had a chat about the things that have happened recently, and R said:

‘I’m quite a spiritual person, I don’t like to put it on people unless it is useful for you, but sometimes, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Work is broadening your horizons, and you are increasing your resilience because of it.’

A snippet...

Me: (talking about a trauma dream)... and it is not time to deal with this yet.

T: ....

Me, laughing: You're making the face. Stop it.

T (shrugs with her hands out): ...

Me: Now you're just making the face more.

T: Your brain thinks it's time.

Me: Well, my brain is wrong. Even my dream was apologetic about sliding that in there.

(talking)

T: Well, it has calmed down a lot. It hasn't been happening as often.

Me: ...

T: Has it?

Me, shrugs because I don't talk about flashbacks and such much in therapy because it's old news and I am just trying to get through this stupid divorce
Me, thinking UGH, fine: Well, I spent Saturday morning in the shower crying and not breathing. Kind of like in my dream. I know, I just said it was a great day and I feel great and everything is better.
(To her credit she left that alone and talked about brains and trauma. Which was definitely the right move.)

Wow. Really bad session. Went into it really suicidal and left even more suicidal. I feel like me being suicidal is a big f****** joke to my t because I’ve had so many close calls and never actually gone through with it. [/trigger] I told him I didn’t know if I could be safe after taking about wanting to die and having impulses to do things like jump in front of a train, jump off a bridge, run into traffic, etc. all session, and he just let me walk out. Sure yesterday I stood in front of the train and got off the tracks at the last possible second, but I guess I’m good. I get that he probably had someone coming in right after me but wtf. I feel like my life literally means nothing. That or he just trusts me way too much. I feel like he must think I just do this s*** for attention or something. Or he’s just betting that I don’t have the balls to do it, in which he’s probably right because I’ve backed out everything time. But now I feel like he doesn’t even take this serious and I’m even more suicidal, and I hate that. [trigger]

Comments appreciated.. thanks

Hugs @SummerTime12 I'm so sorry that your T didn't take you seriously. Do you think you need to go to the ER or call a hotline? Keep talking here on PC if it helps. HUGS Kit

Thanks Kit. I had been considering going to the hospital since yesterday, but I thought if I needed it my t would help me reach that conclusion today or push me in that direction. But it really felt like he didn’t give a f***, so now it’s even harder for me to care.

Yeah, I get that. Sometimes we need other people to care about us so that we can care about ourselves, don't we? Does it help to know that I care and there are lots of people here on PC that care about you and we hope you stay safe?

It means a lot and it does help, and I really want it to be enough, but I don’t feel like it is right now. Which I feel awful for saying. I don’t even have a next appointment set up because I’m broke and I don’t wanna be thinking about how he doesn’t care all week or longer. I kinda just wanna [/trigger] kill myself right now while I don’t give a f*** [trigger]

I’m so sorry he didn’t give you the support and help you needed in such a difficult time. I can relate after once being told by a community mental health nurse that ‘if you were really suicidal you would have killed yourself by now’ when I tried to express that I was feeling suicidal.
I know it’s probably hard to see it now but your life is worth more than his validation and there are other options for support if you need it. Please do what whatever it takes to stay safe. Thinking of you.

Wow Summertime. I don't have words. I feel like your T really missed the ball on this one. My T probably would be seriously talking to me about hospitalization/maybe even making calling the cops on me. She takes talk of suicide (esp when you have a plan, acted towards it as you did) very seriously. I am really nervous for you, and hope that maybe you go to the ER.

By the way, the trigger thingy you have is backwards. It is [trigger]words[/ trigger] (without the space)

@KLL85 I’m sorry that happened to you, that nurse sounds pretty insensitive and invalidating. I appreciate your comment that my life is worth more than validation from my t—that’s something I really need to be reminding myself right now.
@velcro003 thanks for the heads up on the trigger! I can’t edit it anymore unfortunately . I’m not sure why I’ve been formatting it wrong a lot lately it seems.
I feel like my t messed up today too, but I feel guilty saying that because he is usually really good with me. It just really felt like he didn’t care. Weirdly enough, even after getting into a huge fight with my husband tonight because of everything, I’m actually feeling safer with myself now than I did before. Still feel really down and bad about myself, but like I can be safe at least for tonight.

@SummerTime12: I'm glad you are feeling safer tonight. Please keep posting here if it helps.